Hi Ready,

Did you do a Plan B letter? Maybe you can post it here so others can advise. Not sure I understand what DC means, can you explain? Do you have an IM in place for communication, are your finances seperated?

Try to stick to the plans as outlined, there shouldn't be any contact after going to plan B.

I still think there is hope, if you execute a good plan B.

ba

Good job! You are not in Plan B yet, but you have taken first steps so you CAN go into Plan B now. The BEST time to go completely dark in Plan B is before Christmas so he can feel what it is like to be divorced. Plan B is a completely DARK separation where you have no contact whatsoever with him. NONE. You would change the locks so he cannot come in the house, designate an intermediary who passes on only PERTINENT information about children and finances. You begin Plan B by sending him a letter that a) tells him you love him, b) tells him he is not contact you directly, c) lays out your conditions for contact, gives him the name of the intermediary and tells him not to contact you until he has ended his affair and commits to recovery of the marriage.

Once he recieves this letter it is critically important that you not allow him to contact him because if you do, he will know you are not serious. The last thing you can afford is to convey to a WS that you are not serious because then he won't take you seriously.

In the letter you will give him a visitation schedule and make him pick up the kids from the driveway and return them without coming in the house. The Plan B letter should also tell him that you expect him to continue to pay the bills as usual.

What he will likely do at first is TEST you to see if you mean it. He will try calling, coming over, etc because he will not like losing control over you. IT is in this initial period that you especially have to be careful to not let him through because he will be testing you.

But first things first, CHANGE YOUR LOCKS TOMORROW SO HE CAN'T COME BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

I will post a sample Plan B letter in the next post along with an instructional thread about tactics.

From the book Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,


I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible.

I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.


I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg for once and for all.


Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.

I will also not be able to help you financially.

Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit.

If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.


I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him.

I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.


As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.


I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.

We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.


I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.


With my love,
Jon

[send a copy of the letter to the skank with this note] Greg; I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.

RTW, I would tell your DD everything about the OW tonight and explain the reasons behind your separation. I am not clear on what you are planning on dragging out, but for the sake of your mental health I would not drag anything out. Since he has already left you won't be in a position to leave. Just change the locks, give him the letter and don't let him back in.

Find an intermediary who will act as a NEUTRAL party and a SPAM filter. She needs to only pass on pertinent information such as visitations, etc. Try to get as much of that out of that way beforehand by sending him a very strict visitation schedule. For example, give him every Wednesday night from 5 to 8 and every other Saturday from 1 to 5. With the stipulation that your child NEVER be exposed to his adultery partner.

All great posts and advice by MelodyLane, as usual. Just want to add a little more.

When you write out the visitation, and finances part, you would have it on a separate page than the Plan B letter. Please post your Plan B letter here first, so you can help with editing. Many a BS write a letter that is too long, or accepting too much blame themselves. I modeled my Plan B letter almost exactly on the one from SAA and fellow posters still found things to edit.

You will need to change your phone numbers and email addresses. This is even important if you believe that your WH will not try to break your Plan B, because he will.

Your IM should be a neutral party, not someone whom is close to the situation. It is also good if they understand at least a little of what Plan B is all about and why it is important for them to filter things for you.

I would be willing to help out an IM that you may get IRL.

You are aware that you and your WH will not be able to attend things together anymore right? We have had people who enter Plan B and then go out to a party with their WS DAYS after the beginning of Plan B. It shows the WS that you aren't serious, and that they can continue to treat you poorly, without any consequences.

Plan B isn't easy at first, but a well planned one, with a GREAT IM, can be less difficult than one with poor planning. To be most effective, follow everything that ML has advised and what is in the link she provided.

Ready,

Are you doing ok?

AM

Plan B letter

My husband,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with "B" possible. I foolishly pulled away from you in the hope that you would notice and want to make me happpy, but I was not meeting your needs and you pulled away, too. I was not there for you when you needed me and we are now both suffering because of my mistake.



I am willing to put the past behind us and create a new life together that will meet both of our needs. But, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with "B" once and for all.

Until then, I do not want to see you or speak to you. I will have one of our friends help us to make arrangements so that you can see the kids, and to help with our financial arrangements.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate. You must realize the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with "B", and I simply cannot live with you any longer, knowing that you are with her.

I love you very much, but cannot continue under these conditions.

When you are willing to end your relationship with "B", and take the necessary steps to ensure total separation, then I will be happy to talk to you about rebuilding our marriage.

I continue to hope that one day, we can work to rebuild our marriage. I want us to make each other happy, and commit to doing everything necessary to meet each other's needs and avoid doing anything to hurt one another. I want us to work so that will never have to separate again.

I want to be your best, someone who is always there when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend, someone who always has my back.

I have loved you for so long, and I have loved you every single day of our marriage. I love you still today, but cannot be with you or help you while you continue to see "B".

All my love,


Ok comments and suggestions are welcome!

RTW, I would find an intermediary NOW before you send that letter and get that all lined out. You need to get all your ducks in a row BEFORE going into Plan B so you don't have an excuse to break contact. Getting an IM is very important. It has to be someone who will agree to remain NEUTRAL and who will act as a spam filter. She cant pass on any fogbabble, only PERTINENT information about visitation and finances.

I would find a calendar online and complete the visitation schedule for December and Jan. Go to google calendar and set up an account and make up a shared calendar. https://www.google.com/calendar/render

Just a missed word there.

Melody's version is great...especially not referring to the bimbo by name but as someone's wife.

Also, include the IM's contact info (number and email) in your letter.

Sorry for being out of touch so long; I was starting to get paranoid thinking my posts were being viewed WH. As for my update it has been a very tough few weeks. I know I am dragging my feet and not following the MB rules (although my head keeps telling me to do so), but I am trying to do what I can. My WH is still at home, still texting OW constantly. I told our children before Christmas. They were of course devastated, and are angry with WH. He was there, but did not say a word, and the kids ran away in tears. HW has still not addressed with kids, but is waiting for them to approach him for "his side". My kids know this is wrong, no matter what "his side" is.

I am working on my plan B, but in truth, I depend on WH financially and he could make things difficult, but I am preparing for the worst. Meeting with IM tomorrow. Hope to Plan B soon. This is so painful, and I know I should have moved on things sooner, but I can only do what I can do. I read all of the posting constantly and appreciate all the love and support that is out there for all of us who are suffering.

It is scary to realize how many adults are willing to throw away a relationship that can be fixed, for a flimsy connection that will never come close to true happiness.

How are things?


As for the finances, your WH will be legally responsible for supporting you. If you think that he'll cut you off, you could always consult an attorney, get a financial agreement (separation) in place and then go to Plan B.

Oh boy, rtw, you need to shut this down ASAP. I would not allow him to conduct his affair in your home. That will drive you into a nervous breakdown very quickly. You need to get into a good solid Plan B asap. Your H will have to continue to pay the bills and support you when he leaves. Will he move out?

Have you asked him to move out? Don't play around with this, rtw, women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from this kind of abuse. And it will come on quickly. Dr Harley suggests no more than 3-4 weeks of Plan A for this reason.

Please take action, my friend.

I have asked WH to move out, but WH said no - doesn't want to leave DC, and cannot due to finances. I could pack up DC and move in with family if necessary, but prefer not to do so. Hoping WH will re-consider and I will continue to ask. In the meantime, I plan to consult attorney and possible draw up separation agreement not sure.

Although things are not going well I am happy about exposure. WH is telling everyone about my part in the failed marriage. True, but no excuse for affair! We have had our ups and downs in the past, but worked on issues. Prior to his A, WH did not mention problems, or wanting to separate, or wanting divorce. I am hurt by these excuses, but understand this is how the wayward mind works.

I have support from family and friends, but only one friend really challenged my WH's thinking. Unfortunatley, many others don't want to be in the middle, or don't even want to talk to him.

My DC are deeply hurt, and I try to help them as much as I can. WH has yet to discuss with our DC, and they have known for 3 weeks.

Everyday is hard, but I know I am doing the right thing. I have always done the right thing throughout my life, so I know how hard it is and what a difficult burden it is to do the right thing when so many others take the easy route and make excuses. This forum really keeps me going.

Here's to a more joyful 2012 for all of us!

Howdy, rtw!! Thanks for checking in with us. I would be a broken record about his moving out. And if he is still in contact with the OW, I would DEMAND that he end contact and most certainly not allow it in you and your children's home.

Go read the advice we gave estrela about moving her husband out. Very often, if the BS keeps up the pressure and even packs his bags, he will leave.

Ready,

I have been thinking about you today. Are you any closer to Plan B?

AM

I am just about out of hope. I continue to try to get my WH to leave our home, but he has not budged. WH claims that he wants to stay so our DS can finish HS in 18 months (and for financial reasons). I suspect that it is actually because OW is not ready to leave her M. Of course, I further suspect that she may never leave her M, just keep my WH on the hook for as long as she likes.

I have been in touch with OWH in the past, but not recently. I know he was hoping to work on his M, but not sure where he currently stands. I have been asked not to contact him anymore by my WH, because OWH is volatile. I understand that is most likely wayward babble, but want to focus on getting my WH out of house first. Then, I can contact OWH to see if he knows that A is continuing. The trouble is that OWH always tells his WW that I have contacted him. Next time I will ask him to keep my confidence and bring his WW for a polygraph if he doesn't believe me.

As for my living arrangements, I have the opportunity to move in with my brother and his family, who have an apartment in their home. I could easily pack up my DC and belongings and move. I understand with MB, my WH should be on his own so he can miss me and his old life, but would it be just as effective to be alone in the family home? Also, does it make any difference divorce-wise if I leave our home? Just wondering.

My hope for a recovery is dwindling. I feel at this point that I want a divorce so I can move forward with my life. After I found out about the A, my WH decided to end our M, and has not wavered in his decision. I have exposed to OWH and family, our family and friends, and our DC and still he has not wavered. At this point I find it hard to imagine WH being truly remorseful and wanting to do the work necessary for recovery in the future. I feel that when WH life falls apart, he will be too stubborn to come back to me.

Obviously, I have a minscule amount of hope left but need to move forward. I truly appreciate all of the support and ideas from this site. The MB principles are great, and I do not regret the ones I have followed. I should have followed them to the letter, but each of us can only do what we can. Don't worry about me, I am down but not out. I know that I have happiness in my future, no matter what happens in my M.

Readytowork,
I'm very sorry have been going through this. I'm praying for you. Our situations and outlooks seem almost identical, except my STBX moved out of the house on D-day when given a choice of leaving her AP or staying in the home. When it comes to marriage, our spouses were renters, not owners. So sad.

rtw, you should continue to contact the OWH and ENCOURAGE him to tell his wife you are calling. They need to know you are both in touch. So call him TODAY and keep those lines open.

Your job is cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Raise hell! Make it very hard for them to carry on any contact.


It would be better if you can get him to leave. Ways to do this is to continually ask, pack his bags, and if that fails, file for divorce and get him legally removed. The point is NOT to get him to "miss you," but to protect you from his abusive behavior. Dr HArley only recommends about 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A because women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living like this. And it comes on FAST. You can't play around with this.

My hope for your recovery has not dwindled at all. The fact that he says he wants to end the marriage means nothing. Really. His affair will not make it, you just have to force the OW into a corner and NOT LET UP. The affair is doomed.

What has happened is that it has gone further underground now that you are not calling the OWH. Dig it out and keep exposing. Make it very hard for them to carry and get him out of the house!

This is far from over, rtw, you just have to keep up the pressure until the affair is over. You let up on the pressure TOO SOON.