Hi,

I'm very new and still trying to find my way through this forum.I hoope I will be able to find the replies to my post!
Been married for 19years have three kids youngest is a special needs child .
Discovered two months ago that my husband was involved in a long distance emotional affair for close to four years,some chatting on cell phone with another woman for a short while.

We are going to our pastors for counselling and trying to restore our marriage but I am struggling to trust. Him.

I believe he is remorseful but I have had to find out all I know of the relationship by nagging which I hate. He believes now it was wrong but I s adamant that it was just talking and gosssiping about his wife and that the other woman probably has no feelings for him except as a brother.
We talk more now and when I explained that I had to trust to move on but that I couldn't trust anymore he said I should use any means at my disposal to monitor his phone iPad mac etc.

Been reading about spyware and would like to know more about it?

Should I speak to the other woman and hear from her what happened?

Should I just trust and move on?
Really don't have clue about what happened,husband says forgetting past and moving on is only way forward

Mumtothree

Mum,

I am sorry you find yourself here. But MB has the best advice about how to recover a marriage. So, welcome to the place that can help you best.

There is an entire forum on spying. It is called operation investigate and you will find information about cell phone and computer spyware on it. Do not tell your H you are installing monitors on your computer or phone.

No use talking to the OW about what happened. She would just lie to you anyway. Talking to her husband (if she has one) would be effective.

Husband is wrong about forgetting the past and moving on.

Read the articles on this site and get the book, "Surviving an Affair".

AM

Trusting him is a terrible idea. He has proven himself unreliable, and is still reluctant to volunteer radical honesty. So what is there to trust? He can be encouraged to become trustworthy, but he's nowhere near that yet. Trusting your instinct for wariness here would be a better idea.

Marriagebuilders people only trust what can be verified, they do not trust blindly and they most certainly do no trust someone who has proved themselves a liar.




This is a good sign from him, but he shouldnt know anything about your exposure methods. Keep them firmly under your hat - and dont tell him about this site for now (there will be lots of tips along soon, but I would suggest a GPS in his car, on his phone, a keylogger and VARs in places he wouldnt expect)

His actions will be how he tells you he is trustworthy and your snooping without his knowledge of your methods is how you verify.





A BIG red flag for dishonesty here. No man keeps up a secret relationship which risks his entire marriage when he is only getting sisterly vibes from a woman. I have heard worse fog from waywards, but Its pretty bad.

And 'just' gossiping about you? Thats a huge justification and blame avoidance on his part. Knowingg the waywards have talked about you, laughed about you, gossiped about you is the most painful part of being betrayed. That he should just dismiss this is sincerely shocking to me.

With this level of dishonesty (or any type of cheating, really) I would not take it for granted that it was not a PA - I would schedule a polygraph and get into some serious snooping to find out either way.



Nope. Waywards lie. They usually back each other up too.



Also known as 'sweeping it under the rug'. And move on to what? Denial with no work done from him for you to actually feel good about? Look, I get it. You love him. Maybe a bit more now than ever because you risk losing a love you have always cherished and that tends to sharpen the feeling of love.

Feeling reassured in him is not impossible - he just has to do the workto reassure you. His never cheating again is not impossible - he just has to do the work on himself to protect his marriage from affairs.



And this is him just not doing the work. This is asking you to do the impossible - have a spontaneous lobotomy.

Rather, you should

1) get your snooping tools in place. Keep them TOP secret.

2) ASk him to write the OWomen an NC letter each. The letter tells them that he feels the A was wrong and disrespectful to you. It tells them never to contact him again. You mail the letters so you can be sure this is done.

3)ask him to agree to EPs which avoid his recreating the circumstances of his last affair (i.e. no opposite sex friends or 'sisters'). We'll help you draft up a list.

4) Makes himself fully accountable to you for his time, gives you all internet passwords, access to his phone etc.

5) Schedule a polygraph so you can verify the truth about how many affairs, the extent of the affairs etc. Insist he take it but dont tell him too far ahead of time.

6) Ask him to agree to an MB programme of recovery which builds a healthy integrated life where you are each others favourite companions - forsaking all others..

There are prob more stipulations the vets can add here...

It is ACTIONS like these, verified by you that builds real trust as opposed to hopeful, pretend, not-really-feeling-it trust.

His words will not have any effect on you (nor should they) becaause he wwas lying to you the entire duration of the A and you are smarter than that.

Hi ,thanks very much for the reply.

I will go through the operation investigate site and thanks for advising me to keep it secret

I would have probably discussed it with him first.

I realise now it was blind trust that kept me from finding out for four long years

I am not at all computer savvy so I hope that installing the investigative software will not be difficult.

Thanks again for the advice

Hi,

Thanks for the advice and the eyeopeners.I realise now that I have to trust carefully but isn't it a shame that it has to be this way?

I will check out what I can use to monitor hie electronic devices but since I live on another continent am not sure if the tools will be compatible or if I will be able to install them by myself


He wrote out a no contact letter but never emailed it.the OW lives in another country and I only have a phone number and an email adress

Would appreciate assistance with draft of EPs

Will go review the investigative tools
Thanks again

Regarding polygraph wouldn't know where to go to get one can a polygraph ever at all be done online?

No. There are sensors that will need to be placed on the person for accurate polygraph results.

My mother has always snooped on my father (and vice versa) and I always found it strange until now. They were very loving and trusting of each other. they never found anything or gave each other a reason to doubt.

I never bothered in my marriage. Never saw the point. I got cheated on. My parents are delirously happy.

One day I asked my mother why she still did it, after finding nothing for the past 35 years.

She said she had found some things, small things that told her when he was unhappy, etc. She also said that she 'trusted him but didnt trust life'

Nobodys perfect and we all make mistakes. Snooping is caring and can be a safety net to prevent people going through lifes ups and downs from turning small mistakes into big ones.

I just googled it and found a company near me (in case I should ever need it) If you can give some idea of your whereabouts, people may be able to give a personal recommendation if you ahve near neighbours on here.

I just googled it and found a company near me (in case I should ever need it) If you can give some idea of your whereabouts, people may be able to give a personal recommendation if you ahve near neighbours on here.

Thank you indie girl.

I understand now the need for the investigation.I also realise that people can lie looking you right in the eye.

I still have to add my signature but I forgot to mention that this is not the first A for my WH. Something similar happened 11years ago .I don't even know what.
I was told by counsellors I trusted to forgive and move on and I did.

There was absolutely no exposure for WH and I am not even sure that that EA ended at that point in time. he was fantasising about a co worker who still worked with him after the counselling(which lasted for two sessions) .

I wish I had known about this website then and even now earlier on after DDay.
This time I was not fazed by the accusations of you neglected me etc etc probably because I was ready to walk out and ne er come back into his life.

I realised that my life could go on and also that ine had to look hard and long at himself and accept responsibility for what he had done and accept that he had committed adultery.that took a while but I was backed by our pastors.

He seemed truly shocked but reading all the other threads I realise that they can lie again and again.

The one thing that bugged me was how it could have slipped under my very nose for 4 years?

I know that I trusted him and that trust is a noble trait.but now I also know that investigating alongside the trust would have been a more intelligent course to take.

I feel that he's trying so hard I really should trust ,now I know that I can try to trust but also to have tangible evidence.

The only way I could get cell phone records was for him to sign consent so he now knows that I can get records from the cell phone offices of every call and SMS. But he now knows this and I don't know if he will use it again for this purpose.

Thanks for the advice ,I will heed it even though I am trying to do my best on plan A.i

Mumtothree

Will try and google to find out but I live in northern africa and polygraphs are something I've only heard of in movies.n


Never thought I would one day think of using them!

Mum to three

Only just spotted this. This is a real problem because the NC letter must be handwritten by your h.

The problem with email, when it has been tried by others on here, is that OW tend to be highly delusional and refuse to beleive that WH isnt their 'soulmate schmoopie'

When they see an email, they tend to believe the wife has sent it and they dont take it seriously.

Isnt there any way to find out where she lives? If she was in the UK, she'd be on the electoral roll. In the US the vets have lots of tips on finding addresses. What country does she live in? Do you have her full name?

Spot on - 'investigating alongside trust'. When my mother checks up on my dad, she isnt expecting to see anything bad, as she trust him. She's just checking. No more than she expects to see anything bad when she checks her bank account. It just reassures her to see that all is as she expected.

Note- snooping may also turn up OWs address. Is it possible that your husband is not giving you all the details about her? I find it hard to believe he has been carrying on on with a first name and an email address. He must know something about her identity.

Alongside NC, he should be giving you full details of what the affair entailed and how they contacted each other, and details of who she is!

It is very possible that he is keeping you sweet by proposing an NC letter via email, while also telling OW that his email account is being hacked by you and that you are crazy jealous. Waywards like to cover their bases.

Thanks indie for the reply.

I have been eaten up alive almost with the pain of what my WH has done.I have spent a lot of time in the process neglecting my kids to find out more about this woman and this affair
This much I know,they worked together for a short while 3 years ago and then kept contact telephonically and via email. No PA during their contact time ,am certain of this.She currently lives in Spain.she is a medical dr,working part time.mostly their conversations have been about her social problems and his home troubles . He says that there was nothing sexual and that he even told her that she should not misunderstand his intentions as he loved his wife. to me this is incomprehensible as I have always respected and protected my marriage vows.

I have lost all respect for my WH and do not even know if I love him anymore.however
My WH is repentant and seems to have cut off all contact with the woman. if there is even one contact then he knows that the only option is divorce .

I am going away for a short while to the UK to think and to pray a bout the reconciliation process.I choose to forgive him because if I don't I am going to become very bitter and lose out on MY life and my kids life. My oldest willl lord willing be leaving for university next year and already our last Christmas together as a family has been lost

Choosing to forgive(over and over and over again)doesn't make it less painful but it just means this OW has no hold or power over my life and my children's happiness.reconciliation is another thing all together and I am trusting God to guide me in making the right decision.to stay and reconcile or to get out and live my life?

Aside from affair proofing our marriage in obvious ways I cannot forever keep on checking up on a grown man to see if he's cheating on me. If I had to do that then the relationship in my eyes is not worth keeping.I would rather divorce and move on.

Regarding the NC the only other option I have is to get him to SMS or call but I don't think those good options.even if he writes a hand written letter she could also think I forced him to write it and he could tell her that too.so either way it seems as if there is always a loop.

I can't live my life trying to close all the loops.I have decided to trust in God,to live a life where my self worth comes from God and not from my WH.I will be more vigilant But I believe that if he does stray again that he will not be worth staying with

If I continue to dwell on the past I know I cannot move forward. I have read dr Harleys article on resentment and I realise that my resentment towards my husband is becoming a bigger obstacle to the recovery process.

The only sane thing for me right now is to entrust my life to God and try and be the person that He wants me to be.

This is easier said than done because I struggle with the pain on a daily basis.
Once I come back from the uk. If I am going to stay and work on this marriage we will start with dr Harleys basic plan and take it from there.

Mumtothree

Dear indiegirl,

Sorry about the spelling mistake in your name!

Mum to three

Dear mumto3,

As much as I applaud you for trusting God, that is by no means a reason to sit back and let things sort out by themselves.

If you found that your house had been burglarized, you would certainly not go to church to light a candle and leave the house with the locks broken open. Instead you would go to the locksmith and buy better locks and some shutters for the windows too and you would install an alarm.

Please secure your marriage house and do not leave it, now it has been burglarized recently. Nowhere in the bible, it states that King David would pray to God to please do away with the Philistines, without having to fight himself. Those thoughts are alluring, but basically unbiblical.

Pray for your marriage AND do the work. Is there any possibility that you husband can come with you? Or if he can't cancel the vacation and take one together with your husband. And while you are at it, choose a location where he can take the polygraph. In Israel, Italy, etc. you will most certainly be able to do this test.

Doing nothing has brought you to this point.
Only a fool expects to get different results by doing the same thing again and again.

May God give you wisdom,

Happyheart

Dear happy heart,

Thank you for the reply.

I am trusting God but I don't feel it is a blind trust. I trust him to get me through every day.

I know I have grounds for divorce and before I start to work on restoring this marriage I want to know that I am in the will of God because if I am not nothing that I do will make it work.

Everywhere I turn I see memories of what happened. I know that if I stay in this house I cannot do anything to work on this marriage .that is why I need to go and find a safe place to think and meditate.

Frankly speaking if my WH does one thing to make me think he is back to his old ways I am out for good.

I don't think that it is not doing anything that got me here.I gave up my career and supported my WH so that his career would blossom and our kids could have a mum at home.I trusted because I loved. He chose to break that trust because of his insecurities and his lack of self control. I cannot be held responsible for that .

I am sure that God wants everyone to have a fulfilling and abundant life and not a life of pain and sorrow.

I have been reading the divorce forums and I realise it's not An easy place to be but I want to know for sure in my mind about what I need to do first and the only way I can do it is by having quiet time away from my WH.
Mumtothree

hi everyone,

I need help with how to set up a comprehensive list of extraordinary procedures?

Thanks!

Mumto three

Mumtothree, here you go: EP thread

There are 2 categories of EPs, the one that you need to do asap, other is for lifetime. Read them up and compile your own list. Post it here, too.