I have found this website very useful. I have finally gained enough courage to write my own post here. Here is my situation - I will try be as brief as I can but there is a lot to say!

2 years ago, I moved to Sweden to study for a year, leaving my partner in the UK. He came to visit me once a month, and we were trying our best to keep the relationship strong, but it was strained. We got through it, and after moving back home I thought everything would get better. When my partner was with me he was happy, when we were apart he was upset. I didn't know what to do.

We started looking for a house to buy to move in together. I stayed at his house one evening and the next day (I know this was wrong but I felt insecure) I went onto his computer and found a photo of a girl in her bra. I was completely shocked. I then found an escort service saved into his favourites. My heart broke there and then, but I wanted to know whether it was all true. He told me that the photo was something that must have accidentally downloaded and that the escort service was something he had considered years ago when we went through a long period of time not having sex. He told me he realised it was wrong and so didn't go through with it.

I went home, upset. I then looked at his emails as I felt there was something else he wasn't telling me. I then found lots of messages exchanged between him and someone else through Facebook. I went on her profile, and sure enough it was the same girl who's photo was on his computer. Even thinking about this now makes me sick. I phoned him up and demanded he tell me the truth. At first he kept denying it, and then eventually confessed. She was someone who worked in the local shop near where he worked (and lived). They had been flirting for a while and then she sent him the picture. He said he knew it was wrong and that he was sorry. He was sobbing on the phone telling me that he had made a mistake. I asked him if anything happened between them. He said no and he promised me he would never lie again. I felt betrayed - the messages sent included ones about him asking her to move in with him. He told me she didn't mean anything to him and that he was telling her what she wanted to hear to get a reaction out of her.

I knew at the time we had drifted further apart and I had a part to play in how we had drifted apart. I didn't treat him always as I should have, and sometimes ignored him while I was away because it was easier than 'dealing' with the arguments we were always having. So I decided I needed to forgive him for what he did - although I did see it as a betrayal.

But things were more complicated. We moved in together, and had an absolutely wonderful time. I treated him with the care and attention he should have got from me long ago, he re-dedicated himself to me. But there was still this bad feeling I had that something still wasn't right. Although I wanted to forgive, forgiveness never came. Instead, whenever I saw cheating on TV etc I would be reminded of what happened and wondered if something more did. At times, I probed him and he looked me in the eye and told me that he had told me everything and that he know it was wrong to lie to me now. Then a few months ago, I asked again, and he confessed that they had kissed. He told me that they never saw each other after this, because he know what he had done was wrong. I know to some, kissing may not be so bad - but we have never been with anyone else - including never having kissed anyone else other than each other. To me this was very special. And of course it hurt. I was furious that he had waited this long to tell me the truth. That he could lie countless times to my face.

We have since been going to couples therapy, but one of the things that has helped me by far is this website. We have been working on ourselves - he has shown me great dedication and improvement. He discovered in therapy that the cheating happened because he felt as though he had no control over anything and this was the one thing he was good at. That he has control issues that he is now recognising and working on.

The problem I have is that except this awful thing he did to me, he has been a truly wonderful partner. He is caring, attentive and always there for me. He is my best friend, my rock, the one who has always supported me through everything. And this is why it has come as such a shock, and also why I want to work on the relationship. I just don't know whether I am able to forgive.

The constant lies he has told has made trust much harder for me to even get close to. I don't believe most of what he tells me. To add to this, I have the knowledge that he had escorts saved to his computer. He told me he never ever did anything. And I need to believe him. But there is part of me, again, with that feeling that he isn't being honest - and I don't know whether this is because he has said a similar thing to me in the past (and lied) or whether there IS more.

This man is the love of my life. I am in pain every day. He is there to comfort me every day. Every morning, when he goes to work, he sends me an email because he knows when I wake up it is the hardest time for me. He talks to me now instead of bottling things up. He is patient with me, never pushing me to heal. He is trying to find ways for us to move forward and gain strength in our relationship. He tells me he is not going to give up on us because after what happened he knows he only wants me. He is my best friend and we enjoy spending time together. I know we have something special, and I know it is important to be with someone who is willing to work at the relationship. We had problems before this happened, and it seems the cheating has highlighted all of these from both sides. Part of me knows that if we had carried on the way we were going, things could have been much much worse down the line. Its as if we have a chance to start again and treat each other as we should have in the beginning - and be more responsive to each others emotional needs. Yet I cannot stop thinking about the kiss and when I do, I feel the pain all over again. I feel stupid, but I haven't kissed him since I found out. I haven't been able to watch anyone else kiss without feeling disgusted and going on a downward emotional spiral. I am sick of feeling this way.

dlnam, welcome to Marriage Builders. Before I comment, I have a question. Are you married?

dlnam, welcome to MB.
Are you a woman or a man?

Welcome. You haven't been getting many responses due to the fact that you aren't married.

You should look into the posts on this site about Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders. I think that will help you out.

I know that you may feel like living together is the same as being married, but it truly is NOT.

We often say here that dating is like an interview for marriage. Would you say that your partner failed his interview? Would you hire him for the job of husband? I would say that you should not.

Move on.

I am married - sorry should have been clearer on that.

We married and then moved in together afterwards (saving money for a new home).

I am female.

Click on the Newly Betrayed link in my siggy and answer the questions in the first post, here please.

Why do you refer to your husband as your partner?
And to never mention getting married in that whole story is odd.

But anyway -- trust your gut. Your instinct is telling you that you do not have the 100% truth. He very likely took that relationship further, and he's trickling out the truth to judge your reaction to it. He's fearful that if the entire truth came out, you would be gone.

Polygraph. Thats your only hope of knowing the truth of your life.

How long married? Any kids?

Welcome to MB ... Sorry you are here. But Be glad you got the best on your side! Listen to every single word the Vets have to say to you and do what ever they suggest you do. These people know what they are talking about and will guide you through every step.

Read .... post .... vent ... do all that here. This place is your BEST chance!

MNG

Edited to add .. you may want to snoop on your hubby .. set up a GPS in his car .. a VAR in his car .. and a keylogger on his PC. Meanwhile .. do plan A and get ready for plan B.

And whatever you do .. DO NOT TELL your hubby of this site .. as it will be like showing your poker hand to your opponent.

We have been trying to rebuild trust together - he actually found the site to try help us. I have to say, I wasn't expecting the response I got. There are so many levels to the distrust but what about all the good I wrote too? My family and friends think we should try make it work as they have seen he has a good heart, but was just low and insecure and felt rejected by me. He has always shown me affection and love and didn't always get it in return and this slowly ate away at him. I am making changes and he is too.

We don't have any children.

How long married?

Only married for one year

dlnam, would he be willing to take a lie detector test?

And do you have a keylogger on his computer? Are you snooping on his computer to see what he does?

The best thing indeed is doing a lie detector test. Then, when you know everything, you can make a decision based on facts.

Up untill now, you are not behaving productively, by not kissing him and going on and on about what happened or did not happen.
Get the facts and make a decision. If you decide to leave him, do it before you have children. If you decide to stay together, follow the MB plan.

Get the facts, how you are living now, does not make you happy either.

God bless,

Happyheart

He gave up his computer for me and switched to a basic phone - and spends every moment with me that he is not at work talking to me and working on us. I know this can't be permanent but he tells me he will do whatever it takes. He is being very patient with me and tells me he is willing to take a lie detecter test. He had a lot of family issues growing up which he is now coming to terms with in marriage counselling - ones that made him hide away and always believed lying as the solution and not the problem. Now he has been opening up to me in great detail about his painful past. He has always been so dedicated to me - dropped everything if I was in need. But didn't feel loved by me in return. I have to admit I haven't been perfect either. Not cheating, but also neglecting him in the past. There were times I would belittle his attempts at trying to be romantic and I am ashamed. When he wanted to talk, I dismissed him. I know I won't ever do these things to him again - and I am hoping he won't do what he has done to me again either.

I know that because I feel like I don't have all the information we can't move forward yet - and the only way really now to make my decision is to actually get the truth. Thanks.

dlnam, if he is willing to take a polygraph test, that is where I would begin. Make an appointment with a polygraph tester and then 2 days before the appointment, hand him a list of your questions and give him one last shot to come clean. They will typically sing like a canary in the hopes that you will cancel the test. But whatever you do, don't cancel the test. Follow through on it to make sure you get the full truth.

If so then that is great because there realy are things that can be done!

But we have all too often seen that line on here only for the wayward spouse to back off and change his tune when confronted with a booked polygraph test.

Book it and stick to it. No matter how much 'truth' he plies you with in the hope you will be satisfied and drop it. We have seen amazing recoveries based on a wayward spouse's willingness to be completely truthful and to prove it too.

Once you have the proven truth you have a blueprint for what it is you are recovering from. So that is step one.

I take it everyone connected with your lives knows the truth? Is your h owning up to his mistakes willingly, no excuses?

Yes he has owned up to everything. Therapy was his idea. I stayed with my family the night this all came out. He came and spoke to my parents and sisters and apologised. My mother said that she knew I had made mistakes too and he told her that this was no excuse and he should not have done what he did. I know this must have been very hard for him - as he is closer to my family than he is his own.

dlnam, I don't understand what the problem is. You say here that he has "owned up to everything" but in your initial post you say he has not.

Can you tell us specifically what the basic problem is? In one paragraph, please?

You asked if he has 'owned up to his mistakes willingly'... he has in the sense that he tells me that I know everything and I can see that he isn't making any excuses etc - but I still feel that something is not right. I don't know whether this feeling comes from the fact that he didn't tell me the whole truth in the beginning and so I feel as though I can't trust what he is saying now or whether it is because he is still keeping something from me. I hate this feeling. He has agreed to a polygraph test but to be honest, I am reluctant as to their accuracy and so am not sure if I will even believe the results either way. I need to believe and trust him from my heart.

He tells me he will be patient and he has been. He doesn't get annoyed when I bring this up - instead he comforts me and empathises. He has given me everything I have needed - when I am insecure I can tell him and he makes me feel better. He cries with me. He does seem truly remorseful. But there are times when I don't know whether I am able to actually believe what he is telling me about the past. I know trust is difficult to build - but I don't even know how to start going about it.

Our therapist tells me I might have these thoughts that he is still 'hiding something' because I am being vigilant and trying to protect myself by not letting myself get 'sucked' back into the marriage right away. Because I am resisting until I know it is 'safe' to go back to him emotionally.