Since the old thread seems to have run it's course, I'm taking Neverguessed and others advice and starting a new one. WE talked at length about the POJA and her submissive attitude this morning after breakfast. I told her that it was one of my major issues, because she isn't acting like the intelligent, capable woman I married. She said that because of the affair and especially D-Day she has felt very low, and so fearful and remorseful that she feels like she has lost her ability to make good decisions, so she is relying on me to tell her what I need from her. She also asked ," how can I ever forgive myself?. Could it be possible that she has PTSD? I suffered with this after my deployment, and it is a terrible thing to go through.

I think she is at least proving to you how much she wants you in her life. She may not be the same woman yet, but it will eventually come back. Its not an overnight process thats for sure.

So, do you understand now why they call recovery a roller coaster?

I'm glad to hear that. Gives people like me hope. Remorse is powerful, but don't abuse it. I hope you guys can recover. Good luck...

Lets not forget though, that she has come up with some amazing ideas completely on her own - the post-nup, volunteering to have a monthly poly if you need it.... And she got that stuff without even posting here for advice.

However everybody needs a little help when they run low on gas. How do the two of you feel about getting in some extra support via coaching or the counselling centre or something?

How about having her post here for support if not?

MM,

please relay to your W that no one here will think of her as a w&*re. I know that is a fear of hers. If she posts, she will get direct, helpful and caring advice. Just like we do with you!

I would suspect that many here respect her effort more than either of you realize.

My personal advice? Take a vacation... Just you two.

CV

MM, I like this update much much better and YES! I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder last month, a mild form of PTSD. The physical and emotional trauma of our multiple affairs (my guilt included) had me virtually a prisoner. No energy, then volatile, or just plain "blah" I literally was ready to throw in the towel over the littlest thing. Your wife may be having a similar reaction, extreme remorse because that's all she CAN do right now. I have never filled a prescription in my life, I wasn't a candidate for anti-depressants because I am essentially ok, but I was having these moments because of an adjustment disorder. I did get a anti-anxiety med to take as needed when I get out of control, but I have yet to use them. The further along in recovery, the more normal I feel. hink MB more than anything has stabilized our marriage.

Thanks all. When she was in hospital, the doctor said that she might have trouble with extreme guilt/remorse. She has said so herself. She truly wants, more than anything , for things to go back to pre-affair times. I have told her that can't happen, but we can make it better than it ever was. She believes that with all of her heart, but like me, she gets very down, unlike me, she has someone to blame, herself.. Her family is no help at all , with their holier than thou attitude, so much so, that I have cut them out of our lives, except for my daughter's activities. I think a new start, will do us all a power of good. We can learn to depend on ourselves and each other again. It seems to be working. Now all I have to do is find an appartment (to live in until we have the building done), have the holidays, move us to Chicago, buy the building off my dad, and get all of the proper permits from the City, hire an architect, structural contractor, environmental study, and community impact study, plus keep working, keep my wife and kids safe, my daughter in University, get my wife mentally healthy, reconcile from the affair, and if I have any time left, I might be able to get a sammich.

Gloveoil, I think you might have a real good point here. It's one our pastor talked to her about. He told her that she can NEVER punish herself enough to suit her own ideas of where she has failed as a wife and woman, so she should realize that it isn't her job to do so, it's God's. That if I forgive her and God has forgiven her, then She needs to have the grace and respect for BOTH of us to accept it and move on. It made a HUGE impression on her and has helped immensely. I am confident, that when we move, and the triggers for both of us aren't so ever-present, that we can recover. Just since I told her that I wasn't leaving and my dad told us about the building in Chi-town, her mood has improved dramatically. Actually, mine has too.

Now all I have to do is find an appartment (to live in until we have the building done), have the holidays, move us to Chicago, buy the building off my dad, and get all of the proper permits from the City, hire an architect, structural contractor, environmental study, and community impact study...

All great tasks, MM, converting your sweat, effort and care into demonstrable benefit to your spouse and children, otherwise colloquially termed "showing love". Now, if only there were some way to have some of those numerous tasks performed by SOMEONE who might be in serious need of demonstrating that same love for spouse and children.

What to do, what to do.......

Well NG, I just happen to have a VERY willing volunteer, with a very nice..... Ahem..... ATTITUDE. SO, I told her that as soon as I can start the office up, and we get moved, she can have one of the rental offices and be MY secretary!!! She can talk to the City officials, make calls to the architect firm, supervise, etc.

Since your thinking/attitude is so very close to mine, I am led to two conclusions:

• You stand an excellent chance of recovering (recreating?) your marriage, and
• You are a very bright guy!

Good luck with your real estate initiative.

Thank you, Neverguessed. IDK how bright I am, but I try hard to learn from my f**kups. Wife and I just got back from lingerie shopping (the only kind of shopping I like), because she says that if she is going to be my "secretary", she will have to have undies she can get out of easily, so she can "please the boss". This moving idea is looking better and better, every day.

Its really great to see you being more upbeat. Remember that it is a rollercoster though and you need to prepare for the lows that will come from time to time...

Thanks , Indie, and I hear you. It's when I think about what all she has already done, and how much abuse she has taken (by others, not me), and what she is willing, enthusiastically, to do , in the future, that I can get over the hard parts. She has said so many times that she will be and do anything I tell her, that makes me know where her heart and mind are.

When I told her about my Dad's idea, about the townhouse, and that I had decided not to separate, she started sobbing and smiling at the same time. She told me that she was gonna need a LOT of extra space in her lovebank, because I was filling it to overflowing, every minute. WE went to look at the building last night, and walked through it. Man, oh man, it's going to take a lot of work, but we laughed and made plans and had hotdogs and beer, and went downtown to look at Christmas lights. IDK if this ever happens to others, but sometimes, just sharing a hotdog, is the most important thing in the world.

Not into hotdogs, but we went to the town center to see the lighting of the tree a few weeks back and on the way to the car afterwards W was crying... I asked what was up and she said "perfect. tonight is perfect."

It kinda made my life, you know?

CV

Im so happy for you.

You know what? I'm happy for me, too!! It's times like this that give me the most hope. When we really connect.