If it's touch aversion, then the problem is that she has a "disorder": touch aversion. The problem lies with her.

If it's misinterpretation, then the problem is that her thinking is wrong and needs to be straightened out. The problem lies with her.

Chances are that a large part of the problem lies with you. That's not about finding blame, that's about empowering you to find out how you can change, in a way that will positively impact the situation. You can do something different.

Dr. Harley can help you.

markos,

Thanks.

It would be easier if it was her..... But I believe it is probably me. I've done something, or didn't do something. She grew up without a father, so trust in men has been an issue.

Today I got a phone call from OM. A voice mail, exactly. I called him. It was the first time I had ever spoken to him. He wanted to say he was sorry.

TTS, has she always had an aversion to your touch, or has it a new behavior coinciding with her affair?

This would be a symptom of her emotional disconnection, which - again - is addressed by following the MB guidelines.

HHH,

Not always. I ( looking back ) remember it as a slow progression. First no SF, then no horse play, the no kissing, then no intimate touches, and not touch at all..... Started after first child...progressed with each child. The first EA was my first sign, but we "handled" it on our own. Big mistake looking back.

We are working on it, but progress is slower than I am comfortable with. It just sucks that the one person I need to be able to touch, doesn't want me to.

Tex,

I've been doing a little reading on sexual aversion as a disorder. One thing noted on a medical site I was reading is that it can be related to irregular hormones. Have you considered taking her to a real Dr. (not a counselor or psychologist) and have her hormone levels checked? If it is something that set in after the first child, this may be a cause.

cv

A visit to your physician never hurts.

Might be good to have her assessed for antidepressants.

From TTS's explanation, it sounds like her "aversion" is completely addressable within MB territory, and only began to escalate with her affair.

I'm sure many a BH can recall a time when their then-wayward wives began rejecting the smallest touch - this comes (in my unqualified opinion) from a combination of a low LB$ balance and the guilt of adultery.

If integrating MB does not address this aversion, then medical causes could be explored.

I think she's already one them? Do I remember right,Tex? Maybe having them switched. I remember my W having tried several before finding one that worked for her. ADs should only be viewed as a short term solution though unless there is a physical cause.

Yes I like all comment ^^"

Thanks sukseed.

Welcome to MB.

Tex, I did a little more reading and found that depression also has a lot to do with aversion. That adjusting the ADs might be a huge help here as well. At least until you can get her talking to Dr. harley and he can begin directing her towards a healthy view.

Men, the simplest solution to your wife's sexual desire is for her to be in love with you. I have seen my wife's sexual desire go from below nothing to through the roof, and back.

Get involved in your wife's life and the problems that concern her. Become her favorite conversation partner, her favorite recreational companion. Build a compatible lifestyle together. Be affectionate. Keep doing it and keep refining your approach until you see that sparkle in her eyes.

Dr. Harley says he's had men tell him it was like their wife woke up one day a different woman, and they wondered if she was taking hormones or something!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3324
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3325
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3326

Dr. Harley says nine times out of ten, when he fixes the relationship problems first, the sexual problems go away. I have found through our ups and downs that if I patiently defer the sexual problems until the relationship problems are resolved, the sexual problems do indeed go away. And nothing compares to SF in the bliss of wedded romantic love.

HerPapaBear made a great post the other day. (link) When he meets his wife's needs, she finds him irresistibly sexy!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165271&Number=2572163#Post2572163

It works that way in this household, too.

MelodyLane is right that in order to desire SF your wife needs to feel an emotional connection to you, and needs to have the prospect of enjoying the act. If you will get really, really good at meeting your wife's emotional needs, if you will eliminate love busters, if you will build a compatible lifestyle that makes her (and you) happy, then nine times out of ten, the SF problems will resolve themselves.

And if they don't, the board and Dr. Harley are waiting to help.

A Marriage Builders concept -- not a Basic Concept:

Concentric Circles

Concentric circles is the practice of trying the simplest solution to a problem first. Then if it doesn't work, you try the next slightly more complicated solution, and each time you only move on to a more complicated solution if the previous one does not solve the problem.

If you have listened to Marriage Builders radio, you have heard Dr. Harley talk about concentric circles.

Nine times out of ten, fixing the relationship (your wife falls in love with you, and you keep it that way and stable) solves the SF problems. That's the smallest concentric circle.

Men, a secret for you:

Even though SF is your top emotional need (most likely), you need all four of the intimate emotional needs in order to be in love with your wife. Even the women's needs, like conversation.

Dr. Harley told this woman to stop giving her boyfriend sex to fall in love with her and try to get him to talk to her about the problems in his life, which is what would cause him to really, genuinely fall in love:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=940

Eliminate your love busters. Take care of the problems in life that are plaguing your wife, the non-intimate emotional needs. Build a solid foundation of conversation and recreational companionship. Become affectionate when your wife is open to it. And then SF will top off this pyramid.

Markos, what you say is true...in the context of a marriage where MB principles have been implemented.

Tex can meet EN's and eliminate LB's until the cows come home, but unless and until his FWW buys into some MB concepts - specifically sexual fulfillment as a valid, intimate emotional need - it won't matter much.

bitbucket, I am giving the map for how to get one's wife interested in implementing the MB principles.

When a husband's account in his wife's love bank is past the romantic love threshold, it triggers instincts to meet his need for SF. Prior to this point, if one has asked her to become familiar with the material and she has not adopted it, then there's not really any more productive approach than to do what it will take to get her to fall in love with you.

A wife who does feel a romantic connection to her husband, and who has the prospect of enjoyment in bed, and yet still does not want to meet his need for SF is a rare bird. Not completely nonexistent, but 9 times out of 10, you got to fix the relationship stuff first. Her sexual desire then functions as a lagging indicator of the quality of the relationship, in my experience.

The Marriage Builders plan for the sex-starved husband:

1. Get her to fall in love with you
2. Then handle anything left that is keeping your SF need from being met.

You cannot move to step two until you've completed step one.

She doesn't need to know about or buy into emotional needs in order to be pushed over the romantic threshold.

Once she's in love, she still doesn't need to think about whether or not it is a valid need. She'll want to do it anyway, 9 times out of 10.

No thinking about or buying into anything is required on her part.

It's counterintuitive, but true. People fall in love without knowing about emotional needs, every day. You know about them, so you have a leg up. Use the information tactically, and go to war.

The solution does not start with getting your wife to straighten out her misconceptions. The solution starts with you, eliminating love busters and making love bank deposits.