Then change that. Follow through.

This is not rocket surgery.

I would firmly but gently tell him that he has an immediate choice to make. No contact or move out immediately. Go to the lunch and do your thing if you must, but remind him no contact is not up for debate. Change the locks if you must.


CV

Good cause I wouldn't know thing one about performing surgery on a rocket LOL

Sorry - couldn't resist.

She called him first thing this morning and they spoke very briefly according to him.

I know they will talk again later today because she had to go very quickly. I don't know who will call who. I'm sure they are trying to communicate with each other to "find out what happened" and establish the no contact policy.

To "take care of it" as my WH put it and "it will be DONE with today".

He is concerned about the fallout from the OWs BH finding out. We work and are heavily involved in a very political world. The consequences of all this could be very far reaching.

I'm am enraged right now. He just doesn't get it. I told him {not to be insensitive or cold) but I don't give two sh..ts about what happens to her family. That is NOT my problem or MY doing. They spoke this morning, nobody is dead, nobody is in jail, it's fine. I need HIM to focus on US and the promise he made to ME just last night. But he doesn't get it.

***WE*** could have lost our baby last night. I started having contractions. But all he cares about right now is the fall out on HER end. So. EFFING. P!ssed. right now.

Sorry for the major venting.

Ok - we just got off the phone. It's done.

He is dragging his feet on transparency (I'm sure he's got some tracks to clean up) at the moment but I told him it was a condition of moving forward with us. I expect to have all passwords, phone records, etc tonight.

No contact.
And total honesty.

NOW we are finally at square one.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. That is not acceptable.


You need to send the workplace exposure letter TODAY to Human Resources and do your exposures. Go read the link in my signature and use those talking points. Don't be a loose cannon to shoot yourself in the foot, BE STRATEGIC.

Did you call the OW's husband and tell him? I want to make sure he knows everything and you are in continual touch with him. He needs to know they are still in contact today.

You are doing the right thing.
Please follow through, it is the only chance he will ever REALLY change. Consequences of his actions.
You are amazing. He does not have the right to put you through all of this. He is lucky that you evenb consider giving him another chance.

Do not cave. Do not make concessions. None. He has gotten away with this for too long already.

Wishing you well for tonight, and God bless you and your family.

Happyheart

So when does he leave the job? He can't work there anymore. You are not at square one until that happens. He is NOT honest. That is a lie. And he is STILL in contact. He just contactd her this morning so he could put his story together.

Have you told her husband? Does he know they are still in touch? Does the workplace know about his affair?

You are not doing the things necessary to effect recovery.

ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS PROTECTING HIS AFFAIR. He is in protect mode and if you don't kill this affair by finishing your exposures and getting him out of there, then the affair will continue. All he did was tell you enough to get you off his back so he can continue his affair. Dont' stop now!!

I hate to tell you this....



The purpose of their talk was to establish the NEW contact policy, not the NO contact policy.

They will more likely conspire to find a new way to communicate that is further underground and "spy-proof".

That is why NO CONTACT is established by a LETTER, not a visit or a phone call. That is why NO CONTACT means that YOU AND HIM prepare a letter to HER that says he never wants to communicate with her in any form ever again! And you then block all avenues of access to him.

Waywards think they need closure, which only further ingnites their love and need for each other. "Talking" only leads to "meeting" which leads to the affair being fully on, and more hidden.

From this moment on -- there are no more secrets between You and Your Husband. OW needs to be the outsider, and it needs to be YOU and HIM against HER.

He is not allowed to make her feel better, or let her down easy, or tell her that he really wants to be with her but his mean wife won't let him....

THIS IS 100% true.

what has he done to protect YOUR feelings and earn YOUR trust and make YOU feel safe?.......NOTHING YET

Absolutely NOTHING yet. We have to talk more when we get home tonight.

Yes her husband knows they were communicating today and yes I called him. I am in the process of exposing to his family all day today and no he doesn't know.

MelodyLane - I understand your pov on this and I appreciate every single reply you have made to my posts - they have helped tremendously, however, I cannot expose any further at work because we WILL BOTH LOSE OUR JOBS (I've been here 13 years, I know how it works) and we have a baby on the way and two other kids. Even MB says he doesn't always advocate total workplace exposure. He will put in for a transfer once the dust from all the election results has settled (very political world here, very delicate issues here) because until that happens, we don't know if they could both potentially be accidentally moved to the same location. I sense your frustration with me on this issue and if you must throw your hands up in the air at me over it, I understand.

New contact policy... yep, I guess we will see. Of course they can go further underground. Ultimately, if he wants to continue the affair HE WILL find a way. I cannot control every action of his. I have to accept that. And then HE will have to accept the consequences of that which are that he WILL lose his family. If he continues the affair after this he and I are done.

The thing is we could move to another state and he could still find a way to talk to her or start a new affair. At SOME point this IS out of my control and I have to accept that that simply means we are done. I mean, isn't that true?

How can I make that more clear to him - I feel like that part may not have sunk in... that we are DONE if anything like this happens again?

I feel like at THIS point it is so clear to me that I have to work my butt off to make him fall back in love with me.

BTW, does this mean withdrawal starts all over again for him? UGH. KILL ME NOW. Dumb question, I already know the answer. I can FEEL the answer. =(

Any tips for getting through this next part? Again?

Uh, when has withdrawal started?

I'm guessing it starts today?

Maybe, not if he keeps in contact, in any way. A glimpse from afar counts.

I gotcha. I am not frustrated because it is not my marriage, it is YOURS! And yours won't EVER recover as long as he works with the OW. You should make it one of your conditions that he find another occupation. And start looking now. Otherwise, this is hopeless.

As it is now, his affair is NOT OVER. As long as he works with her, you can consider the affair ongoing. The issue with your husband is that he is a playah and can't work around women.


Yes, but this fails to comprehend the nature of an addiction. Ask yourself this: am I more likely to drink while in the bar or while I am 100 miles from a drink? If I am in the bar looking at beers all day long am I more likely to be triggered than when I am in Subway sandwich shop?

See where I am going with this? Saying that he can find a way to talk to her if he is separated misses the point, because he is much less likely to talk to her if he is NOT TRIGGERED AND SHE IS NOT THERE. I am much more likely to drink if there is drink RIGHT THERE because there is opportunity and because my desire is triggered.

And yes, he can and WILL start a new affair. In any other state if he remains IN THE SAME ENVIRONMENT. That is why I suggested he needs a new occupation where he is not tempted. The solution to infidelity is to CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. Do you see that? Lets say I drink too much when I am in the bar, wouldn't it make sense to STAY OUT OF BARS? That would be the logical solution.


In order to "withdraw" he has to not see or speak to her. If he works with her, he obviously cannot withdraw. In order for your marriage to recover he has to WITHDRAW. Recovery begins when withdrawal begins.