I had another e-mail from OM. He says "It does matter what you are feeling. I did not stop loving you Monday or Tuesday or any day this week. This has been an awful week for me. I will send you all my feelings on e-mail if you want to know. Have a good weekend. I do love you and miss you something awful. Bye"<P>So, I guess he is in withdrawal and in terrible pain just like me.<P>I keep running a conversation over and over in my mind. We both hate that we ruined our friendship. I was talking with him a few weeks ago and I made the remark that it was a shame we didn't know 6 months ago what we know now. (at the time he wanted to leave his wife, his goal and plan was to be with me). His reply was that he loved me like he had never loved anyone. He also says that he has NO REGRETS. To him it is like the Garth Brooks song The Dance (he could have missed the pain, but he would have to miss the dance).<P>Oh, by the way, I did not respond to his e-mail.

Good girl! That's how it's done.<P>It is hard, I know it's hard. But you did good by not responding. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

You know a scary thought? I did not quit loving my husband just because I fell in love with the OM. Even if I manage to get over the OM, it does not guarantee that the feelings I want and should have for my husband will come back. Yikes! Now that scares me some days. I guess today my h has done some of the things he does (not intentional) that get next to me

Hi Susan,<P>One, good for you for NOT responding to his E-mail. Second, you have to seperate from the OM completely. Physically and mentally. You are going to drive yourself NUTS with the ongoing conversations in your head. Believe me. I used to have chats with Val in my mind and it only upset me more. If you truely want to work on your marriage you must get rid of the OM totally and completely.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Hi Susan,<P>Oh God, the conversations in your head seem to never stop! I know!! It almost drove me nuts! They will stop eventually, trust me, and the more you separate yourself from the OM, the better it'll be. The more interaction and conversations you have with him, the more your mind will keep going. <P>I know you probably have this NEED to talk to him, I know it can be overwhelming and at times you feel you can't control yourself, but I can just tell you that IF you give in, you'll feel worse!! Believe me, I think that's what finally cured me, the pain was just too much to handle. Of course, it took me a couple of times, but I hope by me telling you this it'll spare you. My OM also said NO REGRETS all the time, even the song line, God Susan, are you sure it's not the same man? I got chills when I read that.<P>There is no guarantee the in-love will come back for your husband but it definitely does not have a chance until your free from your OM. Your looking at your marriage through a fog right now. I know it's scary, I feel scared too but there's hope and you have a husband who loves you very much and is willing to stick it out with you, think about that.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited October 31, 1999).]

Susan - I'm not in your shoes and probably not qualified to give you advice. But I'm pulling for you and that's a start.<P>Listen to Medic. Good advice.<P>And remember, one thing at a time. That's good advice for all of us. Get past the withdrawal. You and H work on NOT lovebusting. Then try to build those love units with each other. One thing at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time.<P>You're strong enough. You'll do fine.<P>Lori

I agree with the others about breaking all contact. My w and I are in recovery(????) and she seemed to be responding to me last week. she said she wasn't talking to om at work. <P>Last weekend she said she s talking to om again and now this week she seems to be withdrawing from me again.

Susan and for that matter Hummingbird,<P>What kind of a human being would have no regrets about potentially destroying two marriages? I want you to think about that. <P>Have you and your H decided to try and make this work? If so you do need to send the letter I mentioned in an earlier post. Send the letter to the OM so that he KNOWS for sure that you and H are going to give it a try.<P>Good going so far and keep it up.<P>

Just Learning <P>Very good point!!! Thanks, I really needed to read that first thing this morning before I headed off to work. Wish me luck (but it's gonna take a lot more than that...willpower too)

I am so proud of you. I know how hard that must have been not responding to his email, but I do feel that it was the right decision. Keep your head held high, you're doing great.

Susan when are you and the OM going to stop communicating? By reading his e-mail it is still going on. You have to be fair to your H and give both of you a chance. Write and send the letter. Block his e-mail. Obviuosly none of this is easy, but you have to show committment to rebuilding your marriage. <P>I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you're still trying to hold on to your options.

Susan --<P>You were my hero last week. Don't let me down now!!<P>PLEASE, you've got to break off contact. No e-mails, no AOL IM's, no letters. The OM doesn't get the point that he's destroying your marriage. YOU DO UNDERSTAND. Your'e the one with the most to lose. <P>You H seems to be making the efforts. Build off the fact that you guys are communicating, and break off from OM.<P>As a betrayed H, you have no idea how frustrating, gut wrenching, emotional draining it is waiting -- will it EVER happen??? -- for my W to breakoff from OM. Unlike you, she seems not to understand thqat she's in an emotional affair. It's still in "friendship" stage. You have the advantage -- you know. <P>Now, dig in your heals and hang tough!!!<P>-- keystone

Boy, what a day. I hate to be negative, but I though you said it would get easier!!

C'mon Susan --<P>Who said it would be easy??? At least you and your H are talking. My W won't have any meaningful discussion outside seesion. Still she won't even admit to an affair, emotional or otherwise. But, you've made headway! I wish that I was so lucky. maybe that's why I'm taking a particular interest here.<P>You've acknowledged that you've had/or are having an affair. You've acknowledged the pain it's brought to your H and the marriage.<BR>You know that it's wrong to prolong the contact with the OM. You've admitted all this. If you believe it, you've got to dig in for the long haul.<P>Don't disappoint those of us pulling for you. Most of all, don't disappoint yourself.<P>-- keystone

Thanks for all your responses. I don't know how I would stay sane without your support and encouragement. It really does help to come to this board instead of the OM. I do mess up occasionally, but I am not letting you down. Sometimes the failure only makes my resolve stronger to keep me from making the same mistakes again and again.

Susan --<P>So, how's it going today? Still hanging tough? <P>-- keystone

He is making me very angry. I need a closure letter right now!

Susan --<P>First take a deep breath. Sounds like a rough day, and you don't want to let your emotions get away.<P>I can't say that I agree totally with you. Nor, do I have any first hand experience in a closure letter. But, would you be best in informing your H what your intention is?<BR>No surprises for him (your H) to discover at later date, plus it reinforces your commitment to your marraige to him.<P>And, if you do a closure letter, should it not be TOTALLY CLEAR to OM to LEAVE YOU ALONE? He may be making you angry cause he KNOWS YOU WILL RESPOND!<P>Please hang in there. A lot of us are pulling for you --<P>-- keystone

Keystone, <P>My husband knows about the affair already. He does not know about the fact that I am still struggling to break the emotional affair. I am working on a closure letter right now. I would send it to you and get your ideas if I had your e-mail. OM just keeps sending me e-mails. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.

Susan --<BR>Not sure how to advise since I come from the "betrayed side". <P>I know that your H knows. I'm just wondering if including him in your plan for a closure letter helps the two of you come to grips with this difficult step. Again, just a thought with no basis of experience.<P>Also, maybe it's time to change the e-mail address so OM can't keep it up. It may also come time to consult a HR Department if you feel that it's getting to a harrasment stage. Warning, though -- Once you go that route, it kinda opens up the files for all to see. Be wary.<P>-- keystone