I have been married for 17 years and have two children.

I had an affair (with a woman who lives within 2 miles of our home). It was discovered over two years ago. My wife and I separated for almost 6 months, and then got back together. I moved back home (we have two kids as well). I was so excited to come back. Things were going well between my wife and I. Then about a year later, I ran across my lover at a local store. Didn't talk with her. In the following months, I had seen her driving around numerous times, seen her at the gym, and now even at kids baseball games. Seeing her around has me thinking of her, and has been a huge negative for me in terms of my outlook and feelings for my wife.

Through a series of conversations and events, my wife knows I have been thinking of this other woman, and wants a divorce now. I understand her pain and heartache and disappointment. We are separated again, and I have moved into an apartment. I am unhappy without my wife. The real truth is that I do not miss the other woman. I have told my wife all of this. I am committed to my marriage and opposed to our divorce.

What can I do to stop this divorce?

Offer to move away, far away, all of you together. I guess the children are still in school? That might be a tough sell on your wife, especially if they are in high school.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Has your wife? You should have EPs in place, and one of them is no contact for life, which means you need to move away if OW hasn't. Is OW married? Has the affair been fully exposed?

Have you read SAA?

** LINK ** to bookstore

The absolute BEST thing you could do is to call the Coaching Center .... and get one-on-one advice from the Harley's.

LINK to scheduling an appointment.

They can 'coach' you in ways to get your wife interested in recovery.

Is this your first affair/adultery?

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

I have read so much on this website, but not Surviving the Affair. I have offered to move away. No dice. Kids are in 8th grade and 5th grade. No contact for life will not be an issue. OW is married with kids. Was part of our circle of friends.

First and only affair.

Wife will not talk with anyone, not even a counselor we had been seeing together. Ironically, as I had been working to break any last emotional residual that I was yet to be free of, my wife finds a message (that I has found about affair partner which basically was the slap that I needed) which sent her over the edge and hell bent for divorce. I see her side. No explanation, however genuine, will help.

Certainly screwed up here. Wish my wife had an ounce more to give.

Where did you get the idea that your wife has to give ANYTHING?

Can you ask your poor wife to come here? I'm not saying that will help in any way. I'm asking so we can give her help on whatever path she chooses.

Maritalbliss, I think you misunderstood. I don't think the original poster was asking his wife give anything but a chance, not even that.

AntiDivorce, I would give your wife time. All of this has been a major trigger, and maybe she'll be able to trust you and get over the fact that you feel any kind of pull for this woman.

But if she can give you another chance, you need to work hard to convince her to move away. Not because you want the OW, but because you two need to be away from all those triggers.

Anti,

I know you may feel like all hope is lost. Having a spouse that will not speak to you is a formidable problem. I used Steve Harley to help with my WW's 2nd affair, he is very attentive, knows the right words to use, and can help your wife see the potential of your marriage. You can use the link on Pepper's post.

This is done over the phone, I would expect Steve would want to talk to you 1st. He will coach you on how to approach your wife and then would talk to her. He'll tell you how to do it all.

When I used him it was around $200 an hour so you'll be into this close to $400. I can tell you it's way cheaper than a divorce, and will be the best money you've ever spent. To maximize your dollar I would read the SAA book 1st and ALL of Pepper's links. they will help you get a clear picture of how to recover your marriage.

Dr.H spelled it you in that video chip that Pepper posted. Your understanding of the pain and suffering you caused her are important to understand. Your wife needs to know that you understand that and what your doing to insure it never happens again.

The SAA book lays out that plan of recovery it will show you away through this morass of pain you are both in.

Given that your wife will not speak to you I would use her mother or a girlfriend to help convey how badly you want to recover the marriage and how sorry you are for what you have done, that you understand the mistakes you have made and are determined to do everything necessary change the person you are. That you love her and want nothing more than to be married to the mother of your children in a mutually fulfilling relationship meeting each others needs.

I would write a letter for your mother-in-law or girlfriend to give to her. It will need to be the best letter of your life, heartfelt and contrite.

SC

AD,
you have received some excellent advice thusfar. I believe you will continue to get some good ideas on the SAA board.
They have lots of experience with the specific issues that relate to adultery.
You can have this thread moved there by hitting "notify" at the bottom of your post.

In the mean time.
Was there ever an Exposure of your affair?
What Extraordinary Precautions are in place to help your BW feel safe?
How about compensation? I believe Dr. Harley recommends considerable compensations to the betrayed spouse - of their choosing; this is something you may look into.

In the end, it's your BW's choice to be with someone who's cheated on her or not. I think you get that part.

optimism

Oh, and what are the chances she's in a revenge affair?
opt