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I am the betrayed wife posted on my H's thread "Husband cheated, Wife caught".
Calling myself "betrayed wife" is so painful. Do / did any you feel that way?
In H's thread, after his affair, I reached out to a few people - an old church woman friend, my brother, a high school female friend and a church male friend.
I frankly did not want to tell H about any of those contacts. I felt his strong disapproval to all of those, to any telling-people part. I did it any way, I could not hold and carry this burden myself, my coping mechanism is to be able to vent, to talk it out. I can't read a book or do something else to distract myself. I told him about my conversation with my closest brother, my old woman friend and used excused that she already sensed something (which she did). I did not tell him about my high school female friend ( he found out by spying on my emails), not purposely hiding but did not tell since he hates me sharing it.
I definitely hid the fact that I shared with the male friend, knowing that he would be very upset and disappointed. I lied and of course it came out. It was a huge setback for our recovery. At first, I tried to defend myself, to help him understand that I had no affair in anyway with this man, then I was so resentful that even though I need to be healed, but I can't reach out to people. Frankly, I don't care if it's a man or a woman. What I care is someone who can hold my confidenciality and pass no judgment on my situation, which means they do not despise H, knowing what he did.
Now I am angry, actually I always am angry since this happened. Why do I have to suffer emotionally by hiding and keeping his affair secret? I wanted to have someone to talk to and I can't.
I have to deal with and suffer on my own, and it's so painful. I am lonely and miserable...
My H can't comfort me, I feel so far distanced from him. I feel like he is someone I know very well, but yet a complete stranger.
I want to fix the marriage, I want to have him as my H, but the same time, I want to run away from him as far as I can and put all behind me. I have been falling apart since this came out (4 weeks now), but it felt like just yesterday.
He continued to reassured me that it was a moment of foolishness, that he would not ever do it again, but I feel like somewhere in the future, he will leave me. I have invested all my good years into this marriage and 4 kids, I feel that I will be left lonely in my old age when he would find his happy soul mate, live happily with her.
He claimed the affair started right after Halloween and ended on 11/15. But I have sensed something went wrong way before that - early September when there was many warning signs. I kept telling him about this woman hitting on him, and he ALWAYS defended her, dismissed my feeling as "it's not your style", "it's her Hispanic culture", blah blah... Now after exploring the emotional affair aspect, he definitely had several months of emotional affair with her when he protected her and pushed me out.
The only reason why I could not put my fingers on his emotional affair was because he got a free pass to contact this woman any time, any day ALONE under the cover of church business. Matter of fact, that night when he went to the park to meet up with her (she said they had sex, he said no), all he did was yelling from down stair "honey, I am going to go meet someone".
I am not sure what I am asking here on this post,if you have any good opinions, I welcome, I guess I am just crying out to whosoever that would give me a comforting hand...
Please no criticism... it's hard to take them when I am crying at this moment so miserable...
I definitely hid the fact that I shared with the male friend, knowing that he would be very upset and disappointed. I lied and of course it came out. It was a huge setback for our recovery. At first, I tried to defend myself, to help him understand that I had no affair in anyway with this man, then I was so resentful that even though I need to be healed, but I can't reach out to people. Frankly, I don't care if it's a man or a woman. What I care is someone who can hold my confidenciality and pass no judgment on my situation, which means they do not despise H, knowing what he did.
Have you ended your friendship with this male friend?
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Now I am angry, actually I always am angry since this happened. Why do I have to suffer emotionally by hiding and keeping his affair secret? I wanted to have someone to talk to and I can't.
You shouldn't keep it secret,and anybody telling you to keep it secret is not your friend. Expose the affair to get the support you need.
I assure you that having an affair is the most miserable experience most people will ever go through. People who have experienced both an affair and the death of a child, both an affair and the loss of a limb, both an affair and other severe traumas, have reported that the affair was the worst trauma. The way you are feeling is completely normal.
My wife is right, your husband's affair should be open to people. It should not be some secret burden for you to carry. Telling the truth is the right thing to do, especially for affected people like your children if you have any, either his or your parents if they are still living, etc. Having the truth open will also help keep your husband honest. When everybody knows that their friend Bob is a former alcoholic, they know not to offer him a drink. Likewise, when everyone knows Bob was once unfaithful to his wife, they know to be wary of him in certain social situations. The effect helps Bob be better than he would be otherwise.
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He continued to reassured me that it was a moment of foolishness, that he would not ever do it again, but I feel like somewhere in the future, he will leave me
This is true. If nothing changes, he is extremely likely to repeat the behavior, no matter what he says. People who have been caught in an affair/addiction may swear on their children's lives, their parents' graves, or the Holy Bible that they won't do it again and still get caught up in the same temptation that they have proved they are susceptible to.
The solution is to restructure lives to live in a more reasonable way that does not offer circumstances in which an affair could happen.
Dr. Harley (founder of this website) has specialized in marriage and infidelity for decades and helped many people to recover from an affair. He has a plan of recovery that will require changes on both of your parts if you want to put the marriage back together. Two basic things have to happen: 1) the circumstances that led to the affair have to change so that it never happens again, and 2) the relationship between husband and wife has to be rebuilt into something better than ever, a genuine close relationship of romantic love, not just two people living together and tolerating each other. He has helped people do this many times, and we've seen people do this many times on this forum.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
In any case, even if your husband doesn't feel that it was an affair, he is troubled by this relationship. You have been emotionally unfaithful to a degree and have let this man meet some of your emotional needs. Have you ended the relationship?
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then I was so resentful that even though I need to be healed, but I can't reach out to people. Frankly, I don't care if it's a man or a woman.
That's a problem there. You have poor boundaries with men you are not married to, and you are susceptible to a full blown affair of your own.
It is often the betrayed spouse that is most at risk of having an affair. You need stronger boundaries.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
Thank you for being here for me. My church leader asked me to keep secret, my H "prefers" me to keep it secret and those I talked to, I know that don't: 1- gossip about it, 2 - think my H is a scum and despise him.
I changed my post a bit, so if you don't mind, please take another look at it.
I have / had no problem ending my talk with the male friend. It's not worth anything. Sitting here thinking, I probably would not come back to him (nor the other 3 people I talked to) any way, because who would want to hear some same old problem again and again, am I supposed to get better, figure my way out and move forward? I updated my brother a bit last night because he was truly concerned for us.
Logically I know it will get better, but right now I don't feel like it!
Logically I know it will get better, but right now I don't feel like it!
It will only get better if both of you take steps to make it better. It will not happen on its own.
Do you own a copy of "Surviving an Affair"? You can get used copies on amazon.com for fairly cheap (Looks like $1.70 is the going price at the moment).
One of the first steps in surviving an affair is cutting off all contact whatsoever with the former affair partner. Does your husband still have contact with this women? Does he still work for this church? You may need to consider changing churches.
Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.
The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.
We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.
How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.
From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.
But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.
After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.
The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.
If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.
How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.
Some affairs, those like the husbands of R.J. and M.S., are discovered by their spouses. But as R.J. and M.S. have seen, knowing about an affair is only the first step toward recovery.
Thank you for being here for me. My church leader asked me to keep secret, my H "prefers" me to keep it secret and those I talked to, I know that don't: 1- gossip about it, 2 - think my H is a scum and despise him.
By keeping it secret you are only hurting yourself, as you have already seen and felt. There's a woman on this board right now whose husband had a few affairs 10 years ago -- she never told anyone, and now it still affects her and is being brought up again 10 years later.
You don't need that.
Of course your husband is going to prefer that it be kept secret. Sin hates to be exposed to the light: "Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." John 3:20-21 He needs it for accountability, though. You need it for emotional well-being.
Welcome to MB! Please listen to the vets here ... they are 99.9% of the time .. SPOT ON. Some things may seem counter intuitive but believe me what they say and ask you to do is your BEST chance of recovery .. regardless of what happens. Everything else other than MB will steer you wrong and further into turmoil.
Ephesians 5:11 says: Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
So as the above scripture states .. God WANTS the light of day shed on our sins. If your church is asking you to conceal your Hubbys sin, I would question your churches motive for such and explain to them they are not being very biblical when its as plain as day as to what should be done. Your pastor and church leaders are only human, but telling you to keep it a secret is NOT biblical and will not allow your marriage to recover .. EVER.
MNG
Edit to say that .. my mother inlaws church pastor was their advisor and mentor during my mother inlaws affair. He advised her to separate to get some space to think it over for a few weeks and forbid grandpa be a home during this time, so grandma (mother in law) took his words like it was gods word and kicked grandpa out of the house and then moved her Affair partner in all because her pastor advised her to do so .. its been almost 4 months since that began and grandpa is now getting legal separation and eventually a divorce because grandma took the pastors advice and feels that during their "trial separation advised by the pastor" that her AP is her soulmate now.
It makes sense! This stupid church we are going to is all about hush hush, keep it quiet because it affects other people. Apparently they don't care about the victims and their family.
They put lay ministers, untrained, unprofessional people in charge of the most sensitive, troubled matters of other people's lives and expect them to remain unaffected by the natural emotion of men and women.
My H was one of those who was chosen to help and counsel others when they were in distress. The OW was chosen by HIM (and my support, how stupid it was for me!) to help him with helping other. He let her cry on his shoulders and was very proud about that! My cry on his shoulders turned into fights. Guess whose emotional needs were met? The F***ing WH**'s and my husband's!
My problem now about this church is that we too deeply ingrained, indoctrinated our children about this "true church of Christ". Taking them out of it will cause at least 2 things:
1-Devastates them spiritually 2-Give them good reason to never trusted our counsels to them as parents again.
I still believe in the principles it teaches, but the people of this church make me so sick!
I NEVER, EVER NEVER believe in my 18 years member of this church to say anything like I am saying now.
I am a believer in christ .. but have a hard time finding a church that matches my view of christ. Like all things MB related ... jobs .. church ... etc .. god wants me to put my marriage first .. so the church I pick MUST i repeat MUST serve my marriage.
I have left so many churches becasue its ALWAYS 20% of the people .. doing 80% of the work and they will consume all your time if you let them.
So as of late .. I have not attended church for many months .. i just stopped going while i repaired my marriage. I pray with my family at dinner and times of trouble ... I read the bible with my wife on occasion .. i read the bible on my commute. My childen all believe in God and jesus too ... however .. we go by the fact that god is everywhere and so I teach my kids that you do not always have to be in a building to be at church.
matthew 18:20 says .. where two or more gather in my name, there I am also.
It is nice to be around other believers .. but with that scripture in mind I have 4 people in my home. When just me and my wife gather .. or all of us gather to pray in his name .. Guess what? GOD IS THERE TOO! It feels great.
So .. Once i feel my marriage is where it SHOULD be i will consider going back to a church. But god also says if you have a problem with your brother to go and fix that first THEN come back to the church (cant remember the verse atm sorry lol). That applies to your marriage aswell. How can you be one with god when you are not one with your hubby first as you promised each other when you married. Once you are one with your hubby .. then you can be a BEACON in your church and lead by example .. and not just by your words.
I appologize if my view offends anyone. I love jesus and so do my kids and wife ... its my experience with organized religion that irks me. Religion is about doing the RIGHT things to get to heaven. Being christian is about believeing in whats already been done. I am christian .. not religious.
Are you a member of the Church of Christ, minjo? Markos and I are too.
This congregation is NOT basing its teachings on the Bible if they advocate hiding sin. And I believe I would tell the elders such. Then find another church that WILL support your recovery.
Interesting counsel from that pastor to your inlaws!
I think with my church leader, they control me NOT to discuss, but they will do it to whom, where and when at their will and when they see it fit "according to the revelation of God's will". I believe God does reveal His mind, but the people can manipulate what is theirs and what is God's.
It appears that church stuff should be detangled from marriage recovery. Other aspects that churches teach like how to forgive, how to put others' need above ours, how to serve... are good. But when things fall apart, they should not step in with their "good intention" to "save a marriage". Their most interest is saving their own organization!
I am not member of the Church of Christ. Again, I am so deeply indoctrinated about keeping things quiet. I don't feel comfortable to share my faith at this time. Sorry about that!
My advise still applies. This church is not a friend to your marriage. Especially since they will let your husband work closely and counsel another woman without you.
And then expects it all to be kept secret.
Sounds like a breeding ground for affairs.
Your children are old enough to know about your husband's affair, and to know why you are leaving that church. It will have a worse affect on them for you to keep it secret, stay in a church that hides sin, and eventually watching your marriage fail. They will be better off knowing the truth, and watching you repair your marriage into something beautiful.
