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3 years ago I caught my husband cheating with a woman he was working with. We have been married 26 years and have two children, ages 17 and 19. I used this site to do the techniques and finally got him to stop and recommit to our marriage. We went to some marriage counseling but felt things were going well and stopped. Unfortunately, I was feeling lots of doubts about where I wanted to be in life - kids leaving, etc. We met at 18 years old and married very young and I felt like I had missed out on many growing opportunites. Unfortunately, I became reacquained with a friend from the past that lives in Texas. I live in California. We started texting back in forth in a friendly way. However, the texts became more and more frequent and I became to look forward to them. He came here last Sept. to visit relatives and we decided to meet face to face. Well, you can imagine what happened. We were instantly attracted to eachother and spent several days and nights together. It was wonderful. Then, just last month, I went to Texas to visit him for 5 days. He is not married and has no children. We hit if off this time as well and he has become very in love with me. He is hoping I leave my husband when my daughter leaves for college next year and has already talked of marriage. Now, I know this is all crazy. I was in a fog and now that I am back home I realize what a huge mistake I have made and that I do not want to leave my husband and marry this man. I do have very strong feelings for him and really enjoyed his company. Luckily, we live far apart so it will be easy to never see him again. I have slowed down on texting him and he is getting very upset. I do need to tell him to stop but it is hard because I feel I have led him on. I really can't believe after all I learned about affairs when my husband had his that I have fallen a victim to this crazy "in love feeling" that makes one lose all sense of right and wrong. My husband does not know anything about this affair and I want to put it in the past and work on my marriage. I do not want to put him through the suffering I went through when I learned of his affair. I know you are supposed to confess, but I cannot. I do believe my affair was worse than his because I actually stayed over night with this man and it was physical. My husband's affair was purely emotional, not physical. I am hurting and feel so awful and I am wondering if I can ever be whole again.
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You do not want to hear this, but you cannot be whole until you tell the truth. And it will be horribly painful for both of you. But it is the only way.
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My husband does not know anything about this affair and I want to put it in the past and work on my marriage. I do not want to put him through the suffering I went through when I learned of his affair. = I want to continue lying because it's much easier to avoid the consequences and I don't want to have to do all of the work that my husband had to do to stay in our marriage.
I do believe my affair was worse than his because I actually stayed over night with this man and it was physical. My husband's affair was purely emotional, not physical. I am hurting and feel so awful and I am wondering if I can ever be whole again. = I REALLY don't want to tell my husband , please somebody, anybody, please agree that it's ok to continue lying so i can salve my conscience.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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marieh, click on notify and ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair. You will get more help there.
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and stopped. Unfortunately, I was feeling lots of doubts about where I wanted to be in life - kids leaving, etc. We met at 18 years old and married very young and I felt like I had missed out on many growing opportunites. Unfortunately, I became reacquained with a friend from the past that lives in Texas. I live in California. We started texting back in forth in a friendly way. However, the texts became more and more frequent and I became to look forward to them. Hogwash. Cut it out with the "I missed out on many growing opportunities" bologna. The simple fact is: you have poor boundaries with men. And you had an affair. That's all you need to say. I have slowed down on texting him and he is getting very upset. STOP IT. My husband does not know anything about this affair and I want to put it in the past and work on my marriage. I do not want to put him through the suffering I went through when I learned of his affair. Excuses. The real reason you do not want to tell your husband is because you are scared senseless and are protecting YOURSELF rather than him. Tell him. He deserves to know. He has a RIGHT to know.
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I really can't believe after all I learned about affairs when my husband had his that I have fallen a victim to this crazy "in love feeling" that makes one lose all sense of right and wrong. You are no victim.
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I used this site to do the techniques and finally got him to stop and recommit to our marriage. Did you post on this message board before? What was your username?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have slowed down on texting him You must not feel THAT bad or you would stop texting him completely. Since you are familiar with Marriage Builders then you KNOW what needs to happen. People who use Marriage Builders JUST ENOUGH to get their WS back home with them tend to think the crisis is over and mission accomplished. Eventually they get careless and or stop using MB principles in their marriage altogether, and along comes another crisis-- one that could have been avoided completely. The reality is that having a true MB marriage takes learning and living a whole new way, for the rest of your life. Are you going to come back and face this? We can help you know.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thank you for your imput. I don't think I as bad a person as you are all making me out to be. I was totally, completely faithful to my husband for 30 years until this happened. I am human and never intended for something like this to happen. I am struggling with my conscious and how I actually did this. We had been having difficulties for many years and this fell in my lap. I didn't go looking for it. Telling your spouse something that will hurt them to the core (I know, I was there) isn't an easy thing to do. I would rather carry the pain in my heart than inflict such pain on him and my children. I don't see the point in it I guess. I will never let it happen again, I learned my lesson. And I think I can commit to the MB principles without causing such chaos in the meantime.
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My husband does not know anything about this affair and I want to put it in the past and work on my marriage. I do not want to put him through the suffering I went through when I learned of his affair. I know you are supposed to confess, but I cannot. You have to tell your husband because this is information about his life that he has a right to know. What if he wouldn't want to stay in the marriage? Are oyu willing to trick and manipulate him into staying in the marriage against his will? The only solution is to tell your husband so he can protect himself from you. You have no right to withhold this information from him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Telling your spouse something that will hurt them to the core (I know, I was there) isn't an easy thing to do. I would rather carry the pain in my heart than inflict such pain on him and my children. No, you only care about covering your [censored]. You don't care about "inflicting pain" on them if you are talking about lying to them. If you neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling his money would it be a "caring act" to hide it from your neighbor? Or would a caring person tell the neighbor so he could protect himself? "Caring" is not demonstrated by lying to your victim and tricking him into staying married to you. "Caring" is demonstrated by confessing and making amends. You are not "caring."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I think I can commit to the MB principles without causing such chaos in the meantime. No you can't because the success of Marriage Builders is contingent upon radical honesty. A marriage cannot survive when it is based on a lie and a fraud. You are dangerous to your husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Marieh, I am not here to judge you--I am a WW as well. But you know you have to tell. This WILL come out somehow and somewhere and sometime. You deserved to know when your husband did it to you. You are glad you know that information about your life, right ?? And you stayed married and you worked it out (until now...). Don't you think your husband might extend the same grace to you ? Please tell. You had the right to decide to stay married or not after he betrayed you. He has the same right.
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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Thank you for your imput. I don't think I as bad a person as you are all making me out to be. I was totally, completely faithful to my husband for 30 years until this happened. I am human and never intended for something like this to happen. I am struggling with my conscious and how I actually did this. We had been having difficulties for many years and this fell in my lap. I didn't go looking for it. Telling your spouse something that will hurt them to the core (I know, I was there) isn't an easy thing to do. I would rather carry the pain in my heart than inflict such pain on him and my children. I don't see the point in it I guess. I will never let it happen again, I learned my lesson. And I think I can commit to the MB principles without causing such chaos in the meantime. The Policy of Radical Honesty
Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future.
To help explain this policy, I have broken it down into four parts:
1. EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior.
2. HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.
3. CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
4. FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. I love non-committal committals. Just adore them. A non-committal committal:And I think I can commit to the MB principles without causing such chaos in the meantime. "I know I will commit to all the MB principles, starting with RADICAL HONESTY.
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Marieh, you show no evidence of having read any of Dr Harley's Basic Concepts. Edit to add:We will be unable to assist you if you insist on remaining ignorant of the BASIC CONCEPTS, and have not read Dr Harley's articles about coping with infidelity. LINK to Infidelity articles
Last edited by Pepperband; 12/12/11 06:22 PM.
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Hi Marieh,
I am new here, so my opinion is not in-line with MBB basic concepts and so please, everyone, take this with a grain of salt. Overall, I agree with all of the MBB basic concepts. But I will say that I disagree with the radical honesty concept only when 1) You have a truly changed heart and WILL NOT continue the affair or ever engage in another, and 2) Being radically honest would inflict more harm than good on the relationship.
I found an article on a Christian website several years ago that supports this opinion, which I know, out of context, does not sound like how we Christians should behave. But it was based on the premise of a true change of heart... I will find the article and post a link.
Me 42
H 44
Married 23 Years
Son 15, Daughter 12
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Color pink, first off, your opinion is in line with Marriage Builders. Radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement is not supposed to be used when there is an affair.
And secondly, we are not here to share personal opinions, but to help newcomers understand and use Marriage Builders.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry for butting in, but I am confused! I thought radical honesty is used WHEN there is an affair! What do you use then when there is an affair?
Also "And secondly, we are not here to share personal opinions, but to help newcomers understand and use Marriage Builders. "
I am also kind of lost on this too. How do you help newcomers to understand without sharing personal opinion?
This is not my thread, I apologize for jumping in, but please help me to understand.
MD
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Hi Marieh,
I am new here, so my opinion is not in-line with MBB basic concepts and so please, everyone, take this with a grain of salt. Overall, I agree with all of the MBB basic concepts. But I will say that I disagree with the radical honesty concept only when 1) You have a truly changed heart and WILL NOT continue the affair or ever engage in another, and 2) Being radically honest would inflict more harm than good on the relationship.
I found an article on a Christian website several years ago that supports this opinion, which I know, out of context, does not sound like how we Christians should behave. But it was based on the premise of a true change of heart... I will find the article and post a link. What's your story, ColorPink?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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