GJM --

You still belong here. You're just in a new phase of the program.

You need to stop putting so much stock into what your WW says.
What she says just doesn't matter. Her comments are all about the "feelings" she has, and you know what? Feelings change.

Her feelings will change when OM lets her down. Her feelings will change when she is missing her family. Her feelings will change when she doesn't get what she wants.

She's using her words to hurt you because it fits her agenda.
She doesn't want you to fight for her, she wants you to go away and leave her to her affair business without guilt.

WORK YOUR PLAN. Your plan doesn't revolve around your feelings of the moment. Plan A and all its elements are followed by Plan B and its elements. Where are you in that? Think logically and strategically -- and stop being swayed by her emotional crap.

Thank you for your responses. I received my copy of SAA today and have been reading it for the last hour. If I had to categorize who my situation was similar too, it would be Jon and Sue. I believe there's more to my story that make it more difficult, but I do see Plan B/D as taking place very shortly.

WW sent me a text apologizing for saying I was lying about the investigator and that she was glad she was wrong. She then asked if I was coming to dinner, but I told her I had plans to meet up with a friend. I think I will listen to you guys and use myself to help others here. I have already started helping others at work.

I refuse to be gaslighted and I demand a loving marriage.

Taker talking.
Your Taker is fed up with no needs being met.

Keep reading.

Well said, Lexxxy--especially the last part.

GJM- as you saw by her text today and what she was saying a few days ago, her mood will change all over the place. Just try to disengage from any of these "talks" with her...there is no reasoning, there is no getting through, there is no convincing an active wayward that what they are doing is wrong or negatively impacting others. In her mind, she is right, her actions have zero negative consequences, you are wrong and are the cause of all of her and the world's problems and that's just how it is inside her little world.

It's nothing unusual, and I'm serious when we have all heard the same drivel from our own wayward spouses, but it's beyond frustrating trying to live with so we would all support whatever decision you made.

GJM, this is so true.

WW is really ticked off now...I told her family about the prepaid phone. I now have possession of it again. The investigator took photos of the messages and returned it. I will hang on to it as proof in case her family wants to see it.
Her response was "you just can't stop". I didn't answer the text.

Her anger rages on. I guess I'm really not going to dinner now.

Yes, how dare you stick up for your marriage, you just can't stop doing that, can you? Shame on you!

Just kidding, of course. You're busting the heck out of her affair and making it quite uncomfortable. It's working!

GJM, sit your butt back down. You're not going anywhere. We need you here to help new posters in your sitch! (and, sadly, there are plenty.)

I also think that, if you do this right, your WW is going to want to eventually come home. It's going to be up to you at that point, of course, if you want to have her back.

Ahhhhh! Ok listen to this; so my DS11 takes off with his camel back full of water and doesn't tell my WW. She calls me frantically and says our son just took off. He ends up coming back and tells her that I said he could come over. She's yelling at me and accusing me that I said it was ok. I told her no I didn't say it was ok. Then she starts telling me joint custody is a bad idea. I get her to calm down and tell her about the things she doesn't tell me so she knows that she can't point fingers at me. She says she will calm down and call back.

She calls back and accuses me of telling DS11 that he can live with me. He tells her to move back to her county and leave him with me. He also tells her that he's calling child services for abuse. She tells me that it's not fair that we're friends and I get to reap all the benefits while she looks like the bad guy. I told her we were all hurting and this is the result of what she did. She says the kids need counseling. I say no, they need two parents to raise them.

WW says that the kids are acting up and she doesn't understand why. She's in tears. I tell her that I wanted more than this for us and she says she has to go. DS11 is hurting the most from all of this. He's too involved and I told him that. He said it's ok because he wants his family back. I need to let him know that his actions could put my custody arrangement in jeopardy. Poor guy.

Umm, because you're having an affair and trying to break up the family. That's why.

Of course, disengage and don't get in an argument after you tell her that. But, when she brings it up, I wouldn't pass on an opportunity to point out the effects of her adultery.

I do agree that your children need counseling. All children need to learn how to deal with their feelings while their home is being ripped apart. YOU should agree to the counselor and tell the counselor the TRUTH about what is going on in their life. It could be to your benefit, and will definitely be to theirs.

This is an extremely difficult time to be your children.

Now, enough talk about giving up. DrH told you to give it 2 years, so do that. Get whatever you need ready for Plan B, so you can enter it when you need to.

Went to WWs apt after the whole incident and had a talk with DS11. He is very upset about having to stay with WW. He told me he doesn't want to be there and wishes I would let him live with me. I tried to explain to him that there was a legal process involved and we had to do it the right way or I could end up losing more custody time with him. I know he doesn't understand why I can't let him stay here full time and some of you will tell me that there isn't a court order, but when it comes time to go before a judge, I will be perceived as hostile. I am keeping notes to make sure I do this the right way and I'm making a plan on how to win custody, but I don't want to do it by keeping the kids away from their mom. CA will not allow the kids to be split up either. It's unfortunate too. I had to reassure him that I wasn't abandoning him and I was trying to do things the legal way. It was a difficult sell, but I think he now understands. He isn't speaking to WW and I don't know why she won't just agree to let him live with me, but I'm sure it has to do with money.

I actually went out with a buddy of mine this evening. It's my first night out alone in forever. He is a Christian as well and told me to call him any time I need to talk because having Christian brothers to lean on will help. I was happy to meet up with him. We were Drill Instructors together, but he ended up getting out of the Marine Corps because of his knees. He remembers two years ago when he was going through marital problems and I told him he was being a D*** because he was being selfish and only thinking of himself. It was because of my comment that made him do some self help and recover his marriage. I'm the type of person that doesn't count how many people I help and it's always refreshing to have people thank me from time to time.

I got an email from Joyce Harley:

I wanted you to know that we �discussed your great email question of December 13 on today�s Marriage Builders Radio Show, Friday December 16.

You can listen to the show by going to www.marriagebuilders and clicking on Listen Now on the homepage. �This show will be replayed the entire weekend until Monday the 19th at noon.

Ive had a look - it's not there? Or am I looking wrong place...

It's there...My story is first....click rebroadcast...it's every 45 minutes until Monday. Lucky me!

I heard it.

What did you think of his advice?

It was the same advice he gave me in his email, but I enjoyed hearing the broadcast. What did you think?

Just heard it I thought he explained it really well.

Especially the buying presents!

I have no idea what to buy her for Christmas....she's the type that doesn't like flowers, jewelry, or the typical things that women like.

I don't like the typical girly things either. But, I am still pretty easy to buy for, if people think about it. Brainstorm. What stories did she tell you about from her childhood? Is there a place you both visited? Throw some thoughts out here, we'll help ya along.