spareparts,

I know were you are coming from, except for the kids, I could've written most of your posts at one time or another. However....

I would be willing to bet that the A is still going strong just moved underground a little. My WW agreed to switch jobs and actually did, but continued the A until I exposed to OMW (which instantly killed the A).

First, your weapons are not against your wife they are against the A. Your wife is your ally, a brainwashed one but an ally none the less. Second, you needed them the most right when you found out about the A. The longer you wait, the less chance you have of saving your M. Finally, what makes you think your wife is just going to give you everything you want? She is not being kind or loving to you now. She has used you to get the house she wants, as free childcare while she goes out and does what she wants, you said it yourself it is all about her. She will try and get everything she can from you.


This is not even close to true. An A and D are two of the most damaging things possible to your kids. You are allowing the A to continue and it is rapidly leading toward your D.

spareparts, welcome to Marriage Builders, I am glad you made your way here. The reason the affair has gone on for so long is because you have enabled the affair to a shocking degree. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret as you have done, has only fueled the affair to the point where you may end up in divorce. The time to use those weapons is when your marriage is under fire. You have been under fire for quite some time now and are still still sitting there holding your weapons "for a rainy day." The rainy day is long past, Sir.

You have nothing to lose because you have already lost everything. Only her body resides in your home and she is just waiting around for the OM to leave his SO, which he won't do. If he wanted to leave to leave his SO, he would have already done so. And even if your wife did leave to be with him, it would be a vast improvement because the affair would go into a freefall. Once reality intrudes, an affair does not live for long.

You have some superb opportunities here to kill this affair before you even consider going into Plan B and getting divorced. I would put ALL of your efforts into a very strategic, well timed exposure and try to kill this affair. THAT is your best hope.

The fact that you have not even exposed to the OM's partner is very alarming. We have had affairs killed the very day they were exposed to the OP's spouse/partner. You need to use that weapon.

Go read the link in my signature and come back and tell me what you think.

She is already gone. She is gone because you have enabled the affair by keeping it a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The greatest threat to your marriage is the affair, not exposure. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, it can't survive the affair. You are losing her more and more every day by enabling this affair. You have become an accessory to the crime.

That is not a strategic approach, my friend, it comes from a position of FEAR. And you are losing your marriage because of it. You are now headed towards divorce because of your plan and you are telling us that you don't want to expose because you fear "pushing her away." That makes no sense. That is your FEAR talking. And FEAR is not a plan.

You can see where you are headed with this losing strategy in this radio clip where a BH discusses his lack of exposure with Dr Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

Thankyou for your words.

I told the OM's BS this morning, hardest call I have ever had to make. But you were all right and not only that it was the right thing to do as she had a right to know.

Well done!

Can you both communicate with each other to ensure the APs stay away from each other. You say the 'PA is over' but there can be NO contact at all if your wife is to get through withdrawal.

spareparts, good job! And if there are any more exposures to be done, get them done NOW. You want it to hit the affair like a ton of bricks. Another very impactful exposure is to the OM's family. If you expose to his mother and sister then your wife will not want to be around them. And his family may not tolerate her presence.

Be THOROUGH and spread the news of the affair to everyone involved. This needs to be done now so that you are dealing with the fallout of one BIG exposure rather than several little exposures.

This also needs to be exposed to the OM's Human Resource department. I take it she is his client? Send a letter to his HR department and cc a key VP and his direct supervisor. Fashion the workplace exposure letter to suit your situation. [letter in my signature]

Two words: Affair Phone.

Very good - I see hope here, in spite of how hard you've worked to allow the A to continue!

You need to completely expose. Next move should be their employer. Don't forget your kids and any other relative who may be in a position to influence your WW to end this tawdry mess.

Suit up, SP. Your wishy-washy approach to this is going to harm you and your family. Fight for your marriage, man!