I think we moved on. That point was made clearly 2 weeks ago.

I missed out on the you let your WW break NC and then try to justify it as the same way a WS justifies doing the OP.

Problem: why is there your money WW money and not our money?

How much money is owed?

How and what did it get owed for?

If not enough to hire a lawyer or go to small claims court then it wasn't enough to upset OMW and risk breaking NC.

You need to learn boundaries as badly as does your WW.

32k. Her retirement funds from before her affair. I consider it ours but she earned it.

You don't know the dynamics here and don't expect you to. She willing acted like a paid whore and has nothing to show for it except a dozen om produced videos of her doing him that exist on a hard drive somewhere . She has nothing.

I let her fight for her money as a way to claim dignity.

It's money we planned to use for major upcoming events that om knew full well about.

Now, since I ended that charade and apologized to omw, it's over.

32k is past telling OM pay up.

It was time to lawyer up. And time for lawyer to attempt getting those videos back but more important blocking OM from ever ditributing those videos.

Despite this guarantee mad to me over the years, nothing was written on paper. So a clever lawyer will call it a deal made while horizontal and as such is meaningless.
.
Actually after I confessed all to omw she (who, by the way currently is the sole bread winner over there) wrote me an email understanding what that money was for and would it get it to us when possible. I should have told before the summer meeting, in hindsight.

Omw feels with certainty the videos are deleted. But knowing the deviant sex possessed Mind of many guys, including prince charming, I'm sure they are still being used for his personal release.

A lawyer will get us all into courtbto confess sins. That's not something I look forward to.

Amazing what the anonymous words of a BH in pain can do for a brother not Seeing the forest for the trees.

He gave me lots to think about.

32K is an expensive lesson to learn.

I can see trying to decide is it worth going to court an almost impossible decision to make.

I can see you and WW not wanting the videos if they still exist to be distributed on the net or any where else.

I see you and WW not wanting to dredge up your WW's PA in court.


Wise men say let sleeping dogs lie.

I wish I was wise. Therefore it maybe better to not persue this.

Maybe a free consultation with a lawyer. I know there is a poster here that is a lawyer and has given basic advice. Maybe he will see this and throw in his 2 cents.

Thing is with no written agreement and I assume no wittness' this would be a he said she said case that only would make the lawyers money.

I think the money has to be forgotten the way the PA has to forgotten.

It sucks to let go but what one gets after letting go is better.

This day of the month always gets me mad. And true to her form she doesnt even pay attention to dates. Its my thing.

Which is a problem. My whole existence is about dates, numbers, and facts. In my head only, I play out a litany of questions that include mostly dates and numbers. How many times this? When did that happen? And since the summer I have agreed to NOT ask any A related questions despite having dozens remaining, I write them into a notebook where all my thoughts reside.

This notebook is my only outlet (beside this thread) to vent. And I still need venting. She knows it exists. I keep all the letters and notes she sent me in it. And part of what gets me mad lately is that we adhere to MB policy strictly by not speaking of pre-dday things. I dont want to yell at her at all, but this thing was so big that to not ever discuss it is like a giant meatball hanging over our heads.

Since I dropped all my closest friends after d-day because I dont ever want to discuss my wife with them and they may or may not even know of the A, that notebook is my only friend.

Recovery from this is slow. Replacing my anger with love is hard. Being sympathetic to her "mistakes" seem impossible. Wanting to rekindle a relationship with a person capable of her actions over the period in which she did them sometimes makes little sense to me.

Im stuck feeling sorry for her. She killed me mentally and not a little bit physically and I feel sorry for her? Crazy.

Another thing getting me irked lately is she is giving me this 'it's time to just get over it' vibe.

She doesnt say it at all. But, I feel since we dont ever discuss my anxiety and depression at all, I feel that 'get over it' thing is what she thinks.

I may be wrong.

We have plenty of friends, few know of the affair. Its my oldest friends who dont live near but were my best friends for 25 years. And, none have done much to get of a hold of me (she changed MY CELL PHONE when she changed hers, for some reason) directly to my home number which is still the same. This leads me to believe that our dirty little secret has certainly made its way to this group and thus I cant face them. And, perhaps they are a little embarassed to speak to me.

Im not asking these questions. They are bad question referring to things I really dont want the answers to. THATS where my troubles really reside. I want to know more about her bad mouthing me which Im convinced she did plenty of to him. I want to know about sexual stuff. I want to know more about the early days in particular when it was fresh and fun and when she said she was in LOVE WITH 2 PEOPLE AT ONCE. Her words. Im afraid she;ll tell me the truth.

Im still figuring out how the person Im with just seven months later is not the person capable of such visciousness not only to me but our kids, OMW and the baby she was supposed to be watching while this went on. And, this is only during the latter 2-3 years of her A. She was able to be this guy's babe while he went thru rounds of surrogacy with his wife. Didnt she have any self-respect? Loverboy made it very clear thru his actions with his wife that this relationship would only be clandestine. Never making her an honest person. Respect, that is the word. None for me, her children, her employer and child, and zero for herself.

Its that absolute hardening of compassion that is mystifying me.

OK. Just a seven month post dday lament. Ill be fine.

CV--

"too much for her"?? Couldnt have made her OM too happy to hear this that you were 'over adequate'. Personally, I would have been OK learning I over delivered vs. OM being just OK in that department. (I played golf with OM years ago and there was showers at the club, Im not too worried about this issue needless to say.) Amusing thoughts, tho.

About the unknowns, yes, I have a whole bunch of them. I got most of them answered in the window when I able to ask them. Now, I just want to drill down more on some of those answers. Really not necessary as I think more about it. They'll surely only irk the you know what out of me.

You once said it to me, I won, she picked me. When i get crazed and want answers I always think of that. Then I go write the questions down in my notebook.

Mike,

Part of recovery is recognizing the affair is part of your history -- a painful part -- and sharing that experience with others will give you the support you need.

Here's a homework assignment.

Pick a few of those most-important same-sex friends and then have a frank discussion with your wife about needing them back in your life. Explain your feeling that you feel like you can't be friends with them unless they know what's gone on and why things have been the way they are. Discuss frankly with her your need to expose the affair to them so that you -- as a couple -- can have these friends back in your life.

POJA exposure. You're well past the active affair, so it's time to get your wife as an ally in your recovery. Support from friends is critical; without the support of several good friends, I would have been far more stupid in my recovery.

Invite those friends into your new reality. And it's important to realize that there will be some friends who won't want to be friends anymore once they know. That's life. You'll find out who your real friends are when they really know who you are and what you've been through.

There is a BH that had a WW end their affair.

They moved far away from OM and started recovery.

This BH met and became close friends with another man.

Their combined families became close and socialized.

This BH told the friend/another man that his WW had an affair.

This BH was not a judge of character for he picked a real character to have for a friend.

This friend, who the BH thought was just another man turn out to just a guy that once he heard WW drops denim jeans fast showed that he was a predator looking for another easy women.

Morale of this tale is that an/other man and an/other woman became just your every day OM and WW again. And now another OMW/BW thrown into the mix as well.



Loose lips sink ships

and

Loose lips on a BH telling other men that his WW has loose lips in her pants while sink those denim jeans.



I've seen the look some men give when they here a married woman has fooled around in the past. It's the hmmm maybe I'll be the next one to get lucky.

Also seen a WW get hit on by several of the men in their married social group once the word gets out and why other women shun her to keep her away from their man.

Also we hear how once a WW does a co worker the other co workers/predators working there start circling like the sharks they are.

One thing to expose to stop an affair. Another to tell friends afterwards once it's over. No need to tell. Too much risk.

You want to see friends. Call them. They say why were they dropped. Tell them you never stopped being their friend or liking them justyou had too much going on to hang out.

Unless the BH wears a Scarlet C and his WW wears a Scarlet A they are not going to be able to tell there was an affair in their marriage.

I'm with you Road.

I AOd to my wife early on when I was still AOing exactly that. Her girl friends will shun her. And I reminded her that their husbands will love her. They'll be popping bye just to say hello and I'll have to beat them with stick.

It's my oldest friends who don't live near and who I rarely see and speak to that I stopped contact. Just another ramification of the sitch.

If you don't know no need to tell you now.

I have loads of mental baggage to carry and this minor in the grand scheme of my wellbeing.

Not doing great.

She is remorseful, repentant, and doing all a person in her shoes can do to move us away from this ordeal.

As I have said in the past many times, its not her, its me.

Im unable to meet UA time as the hatred I have for her boils over and I cannot stand to be near her. Yes, seven months plus after dday, my anger is still simmering.

I dont want to be with somebody simply because I feel sorry for her. I know its not a great idea, but Im here because of my kids. I dont trust her alone with them and I really fear that out of desperation OM could end up part of their lives if I left. My wife would have difficulty supporting herself alone. And he made it clear to her just after dday if she left me, he would leave his wife in a heartbeat. Quite a guy this OM.

The reality is I spend almost all day thinking about what she was capable to doing and more devestating to me is the length of time she did. What I got from her amounts to 'Im very very sorry', 'I f---d up', 'one year turned into 2, then 5, then 8'.

At no point during the affair did she think it was wrong, from what I can tell from the limited info I have. Loverboy said to her that I wouldnt leave if they got caught and that was probalby last time they discussed it.

For over half of our marriage she thought it was acceptible to be sleeping with another guy. She saw no problem in inviting him and his family into our home where this predator became my buddy and our kids thought of him as an uncle. Our kids fell in love with his baby only for be forbidden contact with her for seven months now. As I said, how do I find a modicum of respect for such a vicious person? For seven months, this is the main question I asked myself.

Because we have a couple of kids together, is that the reason to stay married? Because if I leave her, our worlds and more importantly, our kids' worlds collapse, is that a reason to stick around?

Her crime was immense. And life is short. Spending the remainder of it with a pall over this house and an anger in my heart is something I loathe.

So, my decision today is to suck it up and be here and do my best to cohabit with my wife. Give life time to move on and see what can change in my head.

Loving her again is going to be a problem.

Is the reason to keep OM away from your kids enough?

Yes.

Now to say things I'm sure you have heard. You are on the roller coaster ride that is recovery.

You have gone 7 months past dday. The 6 month point is where that anger phase starts. This phase lasts 6 months.

Recovery per Doc H takes 2 years. I think he uses that time because at that point recovery continues.

Experience here from posters has shown that feeling normal post affair takes 2 to 5 years.

Mike:

I'm so sorry that your are in such pain. But you hit something on the head with this thought


They cheated. They had all the fun. We got the [censored] sandwich, the insomnia, the gut punch, the insecurity, the anger, the tears, the sheer horror.

And then we are asked to retrain our brains to love the person who betrayed us in the most horrible way imaginable.

But here's something to think about: If you can retrain your thoughts, as I have (not perfectly, but getting there), aren't you, ultimately, stronger for it? How many people have faced this kind of betrayal and found the willpower and strength to overcome it?

And, ultimately, keeping your nuclear family whole -- as long as your marriage is fully recovered -- is the best thing for your daughters, you, your wife, your finances, your comfort.

But, again, no one will blame you if you can't turn that corner. Some betrayal is just too much.

Sending you peace,
SweetPea