ok, so here's an update.... I need some advice guys.

My wife told me a little over a week ago that she wanted to stay through the end of the year and for us to get along etc. I said well I'm not sure why you're asking that, you already have the answer. I told you and the kids told you that you can stay as long as want, hopefully forever, as long as you end the affair. Are you telling me you can do that. She said yes, but that she might still talk to him so I said no then. We argued a bit, then talked some more and she decided all of this was just too much for her and she needs to end the affair and stay home and be mom.

So the next day she said she talked to him and told him it was over. But she didn't want to talk about it. With me. The next day I asked if she talked to him anymore and she said no, and that she doesn't want me to ask about it everyday. I said well you know trust has to be earned back, and she agreed.

Anyway, I saw that she called him once, but that was it. However, she also sent him an email that he didn't reply to. But then on Friday he called her and they talked twice. Now she sent him another email over the weekend asking him to let her get thruogh Christmas and to please wait for her. He replied last night saying he is ok and for her to be strong and there's only one thing she can do wrong (I assume that means sex with her husband, what a loser!). Anyway, it sounds like they're just trying to get through Christmas.... so..... I don't know exactly how to manage this. I don't want to let her know I am aware of all of this because she will just stop calling from her cell phone or emailing, and I can't afford other ways to watch her.

What should I do? Right now the kids are all being great with her because they have been told that she ended the affair and is staying home..... but clearly that's not her plan or at least that's not what she's telling OM. She just can't seem to grasp what she is doing, she is now betraying me AND her kids! This is just not the person I married! I think because the kids didn't really get on her, she is thinking I just made a big deal of it and there are no consequnces for her actions. BUT I do believe the kids will not be so nice once they figure out what she is planning. I just don't know if I push for her to move out before Christmas or do I let her think she is getting away with her tricky plans.

G6

Blow it up. Go confront her. Confront the OM. Stop making it so easy for her to have an affair by tiptoeing around her. Call the kids, tell them the affair is on.

Go raise holy hell in the affair and don't let up.

Please stop dithering.

And don't tell her how you know. Tell her you know everything she does and it is none of her business how you know. The entire POINT of snooping is to use that intel to bust up the affair. There is no point in snooping if you are not going to do that! The goal is not to snoop, but to bust up the affair.

Have you exposed to the OM's friends and family?

Thanks Mel! not dithering, just wanted to ask... I didn't want to "blow my cover" regarding snooping. I did tell the OM ex and that's when I found out they aren't even divorced yet and have been separated for 3 years. So she wanted to use this against him and keep quite. She has since told him however she didn't contact my wife becuase she is not interested in "waisting her time" with that.... she has known my wife since middle school so she is pretty upset by this. MIL is aware and not happy but doesn't want to confront her own daughter. Haven't told FIL, he lives out of state but I think I will tell him because she is probably using him as a source of money and not telling him the truth about us, the affair etc, so yet antoher person she is betraying.

Thanks!

This post is from November 14th. It looks to me as if OMXW has still not been told, and neither have OM's kids, not WW's mother. We have spent this past month encouraging Giraffe to expose to his kids, and that, finally has been done. However, all these other sources need to be told right away.

Giraffe:

1. How far does OM live from you? Is your wife able to sneak off to see him?

2. Do your kids know his identity? Do they know that your family can never have anything to do with him again?

3. Are they friends with his kids? Do they keep in touch independently of you and their parents?

Editing to add: OMW and WW's mother do know, I see. What about his kids, Giraffe?

This is so frustrating I could just scream. If your marriage doesn't make it, it will be because you did nothing to save it. You have ENDLESS excuses to avoid taking basic necessary actions. I have to keep reminding myself that you have a right to squander your marriage. I have saved my marriage and you can't be bothered to take action to save yours, that is your right.

You have so many opportunities to inflict a death blow on the affair and you just refuse to do anything. Let me know when you get serious.

As far as blowing your cover about snooping, the goal with snooping is not to be voyueristic but to use the intel to bust up the affair.

So does your wife even know her mother knows? Or is that yet another squandered opportunity?

Thanks SugarCane!
He lives VERY close, in fact she works in his neighborhood and can stop by very easy after work! His kids do know, their Mom told them. Well one is only six so I don't think so but the other is a teenager and he knows. He is also friends with my younger boys but I asked if they talkedd to him since since and they said no. They only talk sometimes since his parents split up.

I don't understand this kind of response. I just asked a question because I wanted to make sure I wasn't blowing my snooping ability. Hey, I'm sorry if I'm not doing this "correctly", that's why I am asking. I haven't been in this situation before and really don't know WHAT to do.... again, that's why I am asking questions. I will call FIL today and will let the kids know the affair has not ended. I just wanted to run that past you guys first, for advice. I am doing this and trying to do it right, I AM serious and I DO want to end the affair and save my marriage!!!!!!

Mel, beating me up isn't helping.... I WANT to do this and I am trying.... I can't make people talk to her. But no, I didn't tell her that her mother knows because that's what her mom asked. She is affraid to talk to her own daughter, and she is concerned that if she knows she won't come there if she decied to move.... doesn't make any sense to me, but what can I do? Tell her that I told her Mom just so her Mom gets upset with me.... I really don't think it will make her Mom all of a sudden decide to open up.... I could be wrong, but again this is why I am asking questions.

This is all stuff we have told you a million times, but I will tell you again - because I must enjoy being frustrated :

1. expose to the OM's parents and family members

2. expose to the FIL [why hasn't that been done??]

3. TELL YOUR WIFE SHE HAS BEEN EXPOSED TO HER MOTHER

4. CONFRONT THE OM

5. RE-EXPOSE the affair to your sons

Yes, I am tiptoeing, I will give you that one. And YES it is bothering me.... I feel like I'm being bullied by my wayward wife!

I have called the OM to confront him but he doesn't answer.

Like I said, another SQUANDERED opportunity. See, the idea of EXPSOSURE is to EXPOSE. It is not to keep it secret. You "exposed" and then kept it secret from your wife. A completely SQUANDERED opportunity.

For absolutely no good reason other than to AVOID CONFLICT. Conflict avoiders don't make it.

I don't really care if you think beating you up "isn't helping" because it is apparent that NOTHING HELPS with a person who places conflict avoidance AHEAD of saving his marriage.

Don't want to frustrate you Mel, I need your advice! He's not from the US and his parents/family don't live here. I don't know how to contact them, but I will do the other thigns on your list. I didn't tell FIL the first time because I thought telling the kids, MIL, and OM ex/son would do it. I will expose this time to more people.

Expose the bast*rd to his family and then go FIND HIM. Stop calling him for an appointment.

Is he an illegal alien? And you can get his family's contact info from his ex-wife.

Fair point.... I guess I believed her (again!) when she said she was ending the affair and staying home. I thought telling the kids was enough for her, but I will talk to MIL again and this time tell WW, and I will also call FIL and her Aunt too. I could ask EM ex if she has contacts for his family, but she seems to just want to be done with him and not get involved. But I think letting our kids know it hasn't really eneded and telling FIL and letting wife know her Mom knows will be good. I will keep you posted.... pray for me guys!

He's easy enough to find. The first time I confronted him in August was in person. I just don't want to do something that's going to be me in trouble. I have no problem confronting him, just figure he isn't man enough to talk to me, so he might trying something stupid in person and then he would be the type that would try to get me arrested if I punch him

No, he's not illegal, but he's not a citizen. He's here on a green card, probably from his marriage but they have been married for something like 13 years so the marriage is/was "legit". I can ask her for his parents contact info but like I said, the last time we spoke she said she is done with him and just wants him to sign the dovorce papers. She said she doesn't want her or her kids to be involved. Her advice to me was to let my wife go (her friend since they were teens) and to just get on with my life. I tried to tell her I am in a different place than her, she has no interest in him or her marriage, I want to save mine. But I can try to see if she will give me contact info.

Expose the affair FIRST. Then go find him but take someone with you. Take the biggest guy you know. And perhaps your sons.