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I have opted to delete this post.
I will no longer be using this message board.
While it may be helpful to some people I don't think it is right for me at this time.
Thanks for understanding, I do not mean to dis-respect your forum.
Last edited by yazu; 12/14/11 08:34 PM.
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Hi,
I have been reading this website and forum for the last couple of weeks and thought I would share my story for a bit of advice.
I am 28 and my husband is 26. We have been together 7 years and married for 2 years. We have no children except our fur baby dog who we both love.
On Nov 21 my husband came home late and confessed he had been having an affair and had spent the day at the hospital with the OW while she had an abortion. Obviously I was shocked and upset, and made him leave.
He went first to his sisters and then to the OW's place. He spent that night there. She had blocked me on FB so I couldn't see any of her posts. The following day my sister showed me how the OW had updated her status to "in a relationship" and that my WS had "liked" this - all on the night my world fell a part!
He then he put a tribute on FB to the fetus from the day before - named it etc. My friends and family who saw this lost it at this point and he and she copped some flack from them.
A few days later we met up and I had intended to outline what would happen with our money/dpg/house etc. Instead I listend to his whole story and asked all my questions. admitted to one previous one night stand in the last year and no other acts of infidelity in our 7 year relationship. I told him it was over and he flipped out - I called his sister and they picked him up.
The OW was 26 yo, someone he new vaguely from his late teens. I didn't know her. They had bumped into each other about 4 months ago in a bar, danced and exchanged numbers one weekend when I was out of town. I work 55-70 hours a week and when he could they would meet up, including when I would work night shifts. She has 4 children 4,2 and twin 1 years olds, all to the same father. Apparently they used protection but she realised she was pregnant. Her one and only scan was at about 7 weeks but didn't have the termination unitl 14 weeks. This is quite late in the piece and my WS can't explain why - he doesn't know why it didn't happen sooner. But as it was late she bascially had to deliver the baby which freaked them both out when they saw what came out - hence naming it and having it cremated. He said they had attempted to break it off multiple times but when she found out she was pregnant it got a lot more complicated. She fell in love with him. I am not sure about him - he says he loved hanging out with her but knew he wasn't in love with her as he is with me.
He had been sleeping at the OW house and returned there for a a further 2 nights. She contacted me through FB and apologised for what she had done and that my husband will always love me and never get over what he has done. I went away with my family for the weekend. Over the weekend he spoke with his mum and other family members and broke things off with the OW as he knew that she loved him and that he didn't want to continue being with her. I spoke to him on reutun from my days away and made it clear that while things were over, and I was pleased he had ended the affair, the best we could do is remain amicable.
The following morning he called me...he was at the OW house as her mum had asked him to please check on her (her mum lives 90mins away). Unfortunately he found the house with her 4 young children in it full of smoke as one of the children had turned on the oven. In the garage he found her, she had committed suicide. I was so tempted to rush over there and help him - that is when I first found out where she lived! But I knew I couldn't - it would be wrong for both me and direspectfu to her. I stayed on the phone with him until the ambulance arrived.
Despite everything my heart broke for him. He did wrong but did not deserve the guilt or to see the reuslt of her actions. I immediately sought counselling for myself and his family wrapped him up in support and got him counselling. He attended the funeral etc. We kept in touch and he appears to be answering my questions honestly. Obivously he was initially in a large amount of shock at the repercussions of his actions.
Since then we have cauthiosly made progress. He is still staying at his sisters but visits our house regularly. He has done a list of jobs that have been hanging around for the last 6 months all in one weekend. I check his phone - this is necessary as her friends were keeping in contact with him. He met up with them occasionally - to talk and reminisce I suppose. One friend in particular though was relying on him a lot - given he didn't even meet her until after the OW had died, and was always texting him about her friend and how much she had loved him etc. I text these girls and basically said if WS wants to keep in contact with them then they need to be supportive of me, especially when I have done nothing, least of all disrespect their friend. He and they have subsequently decided to cease contacting each other.
We have talked about how this could have happened and if there is hope for recovery. In terms of emotional needs - I lacked affection and he lacked sexual fufillment. I am also rather prone to be a Type A personality - an over functioner which leaves him as an under-functioner and feeling less needed by me - though none of this as an excuse - just hope for things we can work on!
We have our first joint counselling appointment tomorrow. He is very keen to return home but I had told him I need to see that he can put our relationship and me first without me being there to walk him through it (like I normally would!), We have set up separate bank accounts and changed where our wages are paid. We have agreed on financial sharing of our new property until things are sorted.
Only time will tell how things will work out I guess...I love him but am so so scared! If I was someone listening to this story I would tell the girl to turn and run!
In terms of recovery I am hopeful because:
The physical affair is over - and can never be restarted with this OW. I am concerned about the emotions attached with the whole situation though.
I think he has absolutely learnt his lesson in the hardest possible way - he should be so flippin scared of infidelity again given its tragic consequences this time.
There are areas I can see we can work on to make our marriage amazing.
We both still love each other and want to work on it.
Against recovery would be:
My family and friends - while they will love me and accept whatever I decided they too feel very betrayed by him - I guess the affair had instant exposure with almost all our friends/family and even colleagues knowing at least some of the story.
I am scared of being hurt again
Maybe the emotions attached to all this won't be able to be overcome.
WOuld appreciate any advice - have downloaded a copy of Dr Harley's books and have been making my way through them as well as the radio show and the website! As I said I am a "Type A personality" and seek information, answers and solutions....just wish I had a crystal ball! Welcome to MB, yazu. What a terrible series of events. Your marriage can recover if you follow Dr Harley's advice for recovery and build a new marriage. Yours is a short marriage with no children and infidelity on both sides, but if you both stick to the 4 steps outlined in the article How to Survive an Affair, you will recover. Since you both seem to want to recover then there is no reason why you should fail. I must say that I don't find any of the introspection about over-functioning and under-functioning helpful; all that matters is that you BOTH diligently follow Dr Harley's plan. You need to make sure that there is no possibility of contact with the man you had a "one-night-stand" with. I am disturbed to hear that one year into your marriage, you had casual sex with someone other than your husband, someone with whom there was no emotional attachment. That is a very cheap way to behave. Have you both been tested for STDs after the affairs? What led to your casual sex? What steps have you taken to make sure it cannot happen again? Your ceasing working away from home and your H's ceasing hanging out in bars without you is a vital step.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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as above.
Last edited by yazu; 12/14/11 08:37 PM.
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Im sorry mis interpretation there - I DID NOT HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND!
My WS did earlier this year prior to this recent relationship. Well then I apologise for my comments about you - but that makes me even more worried about him. I would ask him to take a polygraph. I doubt very much whether two affairs in two years of marriage is the whole story. My advice about STDs stands - even more so, now. Get tested, both of you.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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As above, deleting my contribution
Last edited by yazu; 12/14/11 08:36 PM.
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Dear Yazu,
Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here! I understand you love him however the horrific events are just that, horrific! How are doing, are you eating/sleeping?
My H had an A early in our M, however, we had two small children. I think it would be more of a challenge in your sitch due to the circumstances, but not impossible. I would think that the dark cloud of the abortion and suicide might cause PTSD in one or both of you.
I would go very slowly, your WH should take a poly at a minimum. I would hate to see your well intentioned feelings to take care of him kick in, you are not responsible for him, just don't be too much of a care-giver.
ba
Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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I hate to be a downer but I think you're wise to consider cutting your losses and moving on. You are young, there are no children and your WH has a heck of a burden to carry after this mess.
He has to deal with his infidelity, the abortion and a suicide.
You seem very focused and ambitious. Why would you want to take this on?
If you do want to save the marriage or just don't know yet, get him a polygraph. You need to know if there are any more infidelities to deal with.
Take care of yourself! Your story is hardcore.
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And for the other info:
STD check booked for today. WS is also looking at doing this. Not that we are active in this area at all lately!
We have discussed this and I would not be able to trust him going out with his friends like I used to.
Unfortunately unless I have a complete career change and was 6 years of medical education and a $100k student loan, I am expected to work long hours for at least another 1-2 years. yazu, you should not have trusted him in risky environments at all, from the beginning, and neither should he trust you to go out to bars and not engage in risky behaviour. You need to work out a lifestyle that eliminates separation and independent behaviour. During your long working hours, he should not be out at bars or anywhere similar, with his friends. He should not be acting like a single man when he is married. Unless you change the environment that allowed the affairs to take place, another affair with follow those two. What do you think about my suggestion that these are not his only two affairs? Are you going to investigate whether there are more? Would it make a difference to you if you found out that there WERE more? I am questioning whether your H really knows what it means to be married. Do you know who the ONS woman is? Is there any possibility of his having contact with her? Does her husband or boyfriend know about the ONS? What makes you sure it was a ONS? Your H is a recent wayward and was able to deceive you about the other relationship for some time. He is a good liar, and that's why I think you need a polygraph. Find out the truth about who you have been married to for this short time, before children come along.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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as above.
Given I can't alter others messages then my story is still all available in their posts to see.
Last edited by yazu; 12/14/11 08:38 PM.
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"You seem very focused and ambitious. Why would you want to take this on?"
Because I love him. Because we have 7 years of history together, because I had future dreams with him to have a family and grow old together. Because I made vows. Because mistakes happen and people get second chances. Maybe it's all rather idealistic but isn't that why anyone considers recovery??? Oh I totally understand what you mean yazu, but what zibbles means is the practicalities of recovery may be tough here. You are dealing with a serial cheat - very tough to recover as they are addicted to cheating, rather than addicted to a specific person and you would need to cut off all opportunities for his cheating - difficult if you are not around much. Also your job is an issue because recovery from an affair would require 25 hours plus undivided attention time with each other. Dr H would not even counsel couples who did not make this time free for each other as the work could not be done otherwise. So you have some tough decisions to make. By all means try recovery - but the steps are very specfic you have to stick to recovery plans exactly, you cant 'pick and choose' sections. Obviously you are looking at a lot of work to achieve this and lifestlye changes. So I would get the polygraph to find out what you're dealing with first. He is definitely lying about the extent of his past infidelities. There could be EAs, online affairs and other PAs he is just sweeping under the rug. 1)Write out all your questions about the affair and past infidelities, ask him to put his answers in writing. 2)Book a polygraph, tell him a few days in advance. Tell him you expect him to pass because otherwise he is looking at a divorce. 3)This usually causes a lot more beans to be spilled. However stick to your guns and go through with the polygraph even if you feel you have now been told everything - it is very important you go through with it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I have asked him multiple times if these were the only times he has cheated and he says it is. I have asked him why, after 6 years, was it only last year this happened? He can't explain it. Waywards lie, only trust what you can verify and be highly suspicious of stories that dont hold water. If he is truly remorseful he is now telling you the whole truth and would love an opportunity to prove that to you. A remorseful wayward is over the moon at the idea of a poly - what a wonderful way to begin again with words that can now be trusted! Alas, a lot are not that thrilled.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I get it that you love him. I also get it that you take your marriage vows seriously but he cheated pretty early on in the marriage and the consequences of his infidelity is off the charts.
You need to ask yourself if you're willing to tolerate a lifetime of his pain over this.
Many will say that with no children in the mix (which may seem irrelevant to you but can be a huge motivator for people to work things out) you should seriously consider moving on.
An abortion will haunt him for the rest of his life. Add a suicide and this seems like a very heavy burden for you THE BETRAYED to carry.
Others here can help you figure out ways to work through this but no one will fault you for bowing out now. This is a complex situation and he has cheated more than once. It's not too late for you to get a fresh start.
The OW put off getting an abortion because she was conflicted about it and I imagine he was too. Anyone who goes through the public display on facebook of mourning the aborted child, clearly has intense, mixed feelings about what to do. He may have urged her to have the baby and promised to stay with her. These are things you will learn more about with a poly.
Abortion is very hard to come back from, even for people who are pro choice. Add to that a suicide and this seems very unlikely to succeed.
Just my opinion and perhaps others will be more encouraging.
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I have opted to delete this post.
I will no longer be using this message board.
While it may be helpful to some people I don't think it is right for me at this time.
Thanks for understanding, I do not mean to dis-respect your forum. Did you hear things that you did not like hearing? You should not stay away because of that. You situation is not unusual and you would benefit from the advice given here.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Many will say that with no children in the mix (which may seem irrelevant to you but can be a huge motivator for people to work things out) you should seriously consider moving on. I want to jump in here as I dont have kids either and I am working the plans. In the early days though people mentioning this really irritated me. The commitment was still sacred to me. However after being in Plan B for a bit and healing a bit, I am less motivated to haul my marriage up a hill. I am sure kids would make a difference to my thinking and make me hold out hope for longer. Then again if he had adhered to all conditions for recovery - it wouldnt have made any difference at all!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Also the plans are for YOU - they are not just for the marriage. I am healing better and divorce will hurt less because after a good Plan A and a Plan B I know I gave my marriage everything I had and have no regrets....
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Having kids certainly makes me work harder on my marriage.
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But then again, I might have gone into my marriage with a renter mentality. That is, until the kids arrived.
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I have opted to delete this post.
I will no longer be using this message board.
While it may be helpful to some people I don't think it is right for me at this time.
Thanks for understanding, I do not mean to dis-respect your forum. Did you hear things that you did not like hearing? You should not stay away because of that. You situation is not unusual and you would benefit from the advice given here. Hey yazu. We are here if you change your mind. Do take care of yourself. Sleeping and eating are kind of important. Take care.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yazu,
I never post on other threads than my own as I am in no position to give advice, however, I will in your situation.
you are in a terrible situation, you need all the help you can get. You found the right place A few people came on a little strong. They have good intentions, and are not used to situations like yours. You need a bit of a softer voice getting started here, you've been through a lot.
If you want to work on your marriage and want a successful recovery, stay here, don't jump ship before it sails.
Me BH previous user name SEM
WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling
Married 16 years - HS sweethearts
2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years
WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs
DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years
WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA
DDay #2 11/27/11
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