My husband left me and 2 DC for OW in September 2010.

Throughout this time he has tried tried to break contact by refusing to take his name from the house tenancy. OW was pregnant after 4 weeks with WH. The baby was still born. They also have a lot of involvement with Social Services due to her drug taking which was their drug taking at one point!!

For 3 months WH has been trying to make contact.

Last week I met him in the local town he was waiting on me, he said he needed to talk, I did not know what to say, he looked so terrible.

Anyway, he said he realised he has no life with OW and never will and do I stand by my first ever letter saying he could come back ?

Since then we have been in contact talking over how we would go about things with regard to social services but he has told me he is scared to come back in case I hurt him now.

He is texting every day etc and just phoned saying he knows he needs to move and it is probably this making him ill but he won't JUST LEAVE.

Should I cut off this contact from him?

If anyone can find my story I was tilly36

Thank you ever so much any advice anyone ?

I have texted him telling him I'm sorry but this is just too painful for me and I will be filing for divorce at the start of the year as planned. I think that is what I had planned. I haven't had a proper Plan B I would say he has been at the door at least every month so I feel no more detached from him than I did, well a little but not much, make my thread be the bad PLAN B.

I did however start shutting the door on him after I found out about the baby, he has been telling people he wants to come back about month after this happened.

Yes...you should remain in no contact. Perhaps retransmit the Plan B letter with the conditions of contact provisions UNDERLINED.

You shouldn't have met him nor should you have answered his question about whether the door back to you is still open. Unless and until the conditions are met (no contact with OW) you don't have contact with him and if he corners you with such questions...you merely answer the question with a question.

Him: "Do you stand by your first letter saying I can come back?"

You: "Have you removed OW from your life?"

Him: "Well kinda, maybe, sorta....things aren't going well"

You: "Well than the door is not open as you haven't met the very FIRST condition to even speaking to me...I've got to run...if you ever get your crap together and get OW out of your life for good, I MAY remain interested in speaking to you. Until then...leave me alone. I am not your punching bag and I'm nobody's back up plan"

Him: "But, honey, I'm confused...I'm scared you'll not take me back or you'll never get over this or that"

You: "I've got people to meet...I'm late already. I'd chat if OW was GONE...but she's not...btw, you look horrible and miserable...love to offer a kind hand but not today. Bye"



Mr. W

I've emphasized a reason you should button your Plan B back up. If he was truly remorseful, he would be willing to come home on YOUR TERMS. He is attempting to manipulate the terms of his return in the phrase that I've emphasized in your post, above. He's telling you that he wants to come home but doesn't want deal with having to face any fall-out from his adulterous actions.

It sounds like all is not well in affair-land. He continues to act in a selfish manner. It's all about him. He's attempting to get his needs met by both of you. Again.

I'd get your Plan B tightened back up. Until OW is completely out of the picture you shouldn't consider acknowledging his existence.

I like Mr. W's suggested responses.

Edit to add:

I like Maritalbliss's response too.

Okay I will change my phone number once again and back into Plan B.

I thought as much but though he might just have came home, I have sent one last text taking some text from Mr W and turned phone off.

Tbc unfortunately.

Thank you all again.

You need some help with boundaries...

BOUNDARIES VS. MANIPULATION/CONTROL - An Open Discussion

Mr. Wondering

Yes !!

Additionally, please read/learn about False Recoveries .

Wisdom painfully gained (by other BS's) and shared at my request.

LINK to false recovery thread

Tilly!
Hi.

Your WH's affair has not ended.
Your weakened plan B has not protected you from his mental drama.

Definitely, you MUST use this juncture to go back behind your castle wall and pull up the drawbridge to see if the affair dies or not.

His minimal contact with you is enabling the affair to hobble along even longer.

I have read lots on false recoveries he has had his car packed around 8 times I know of (not through him).

I thought it was a year and the Divorce but do not feel ready. It does not feel like over a year.

Tilly - when his message changes from "I'm afraid you'd hurt me" to "I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm committed to making this right. OW is gone, FOREVER. Drugs are gone FOREVER. The house is yours. I know you shouldn't take me back. I'm not asking you to do that. I'm going to learn what it means to stand on my own and make my life right with God, and make things right by you." then you can watch for a while to see if the walk backs up the talk.

He ain't even to "talk" yet, so you should not even begin to think of taking him back.

He owes it to you to not bring his problems back to you to fix. He needs to learn how to do that himself.

Pay attention to the words. But don't let him back until the walk is there. The walk will say "I'm no longer worried about my own feelings of being hurt. I'm making things right for the people I've hurt."

Got it?

Yeah I get it thanks lots!!

Since beginning of December WH has been saying he wants to come back home he regrets everything and wants his life back, this was through IM.

I spoke to them last week explaining it was most likely because it was coming up to Xmas and tell him just to think more, they said he was ill as he wanted to come home.

Monday IM phoned Ow wanted to come home again, he is clean and living with someone who isn't and its making him ill as the things she gets up to he cannot live with.

They are sleeping in same bed but have not made love for months as he is so depressed. He wanted to walk out but she is being so nice all the time "he has no excuse" I said his excuse should be he wants to be home.

Monday evening door goes it was my mother with an xmas tree closely followed by WH.

He cried and cried and said it had been a hard day with her, I asked if he wanted to go back he said no. This continued throughout the night until he admitted he had packed a bag and said he had gone to the shop.

OW started phoning his parents his parents told him his behaviour to both of us was disgusting so he went explain himself and never came back, this was Tuesday, she told him to come back and explain things to her or both cars would get it (mine and his) and she would be onto social services to cause as many problems as possible.

OW has I believe been sending herself congratulations on birth of child cards and putting my name on them, sending baby things and saying it was me I would not send anything this is sick!!! WH knows it is not me, he knows me but she has been telling social works and police it was me. I have contacted police about this, they think it is her, she travels to a different city to post them.

He told he belonged here at home, he held my hand and told me loved me, he kissed me, and now he has gone.

Is he playing games I am in bits again and don't know what to do I called him and she answered and he hung it up when OW said "its her on the phone".

He is so depressed anyway, said OW has no-one, might kill herself after stillborn and her brother just died.

I don't know what to do. I didn't need this hurt now it kills me

tilly, I am sorry to hear that these events continue.

What are you asking us, though? Are you asking whether you should let your WH come home because his life is a mess and he is miserable and desperate? I think you must know the answer if that is the question. He needs to recommit to your mariage if it is to have any chance of being rebuilt.

Has he met your Plan B conditions? Has he cut off all contact with OW? Clearly not, since he is living with her and is there when you call on the phone. And why would you trust his word that he hasn't had sex with her?

Really, tilly, you should be isolating yourself from the mess of his life and you are not doing so. Your writing is a bit jumbled and difficult for me to understand, but I don't understand how he came into your house on Monday and why you talked to him. I don't understand why your IM is conveying messages about his living conditions with IM. The only message she should be passing to you is that he has moved out, cut off all contact and wants to talk about reconciliation. She should NOT be conveying the drama of his life! You are being sucked into it, and that is the exact opposite of what Plan B exists for!

Why are you listening to him tell you about the OW's depressions and suicide threats?

That affair is nowhere NEAR over and you need to stay away from your messed-up husband and his drug using ho. He is trying rope you back into his muck so that you can save him, but for you even to consider reconciliation, he needs to save himself, BY HIMSELF.

Get out of this, and stay out of it, tilly.

Yes, it will do, unless you stay well away from it. You can see that it is harming you, but you refuse to stay away.

I will cut him off.

IM are PIL so not good.

thank you

he said he wanted to come home and have his life back but clearly does not.

tilly, please tighten up your Plan B. You can see how harmful it is to have contact with him while he continues the A. Make sure you tell your IM that you do not want to hear a word about poor widdle him and how depressed he is. You IM shouldn't be passing any of that piffle on to you.

Strong, dark Plan B with NO CONTACT, either directly or indirectly, until he ends the A. Nothing less, okay?

Yes no contact. Is it even worth sending a letter considering he has ignored all others?

My parents want me to have counselling to get over him.

Okay, I just re-read your old thread. Tilly, you have been in such a porous Plan B that I wouldn't even call it that. You had no contact with him...until whenever he wanted to contact you. This gives him the emotional hit that he needs from you, then he's off and back to his skank. At your emotional expense! How cruel of him! And how uncaring you are about yourself for allowing that!

You were advised repeatedly to go to an airtight Plan B, and you said you did. Then, in your next post, you talk about his call to you, or hearing about him from friends, or his coming by the house - these things are what will set you back!

I wouldn't send another Plan B letter. First because you've said OW gets them and reads them first and doesn't let him see them, so what's the point? Second because you've demonstrated to him that you have NO intention of making your words stick.

You don't need to go to a stranger to talk about your WH as a method of 'getting over him'. You need to go to Plan B.

I told you a year ago that you had a great chance to get recover your M if you could implement a stellar Plan B. Your WH is, and was, so conflicted that I think a proper Plan B would save YOUR sanity and quite likely bring him home. My advice to you hasn't changed.