You are not the WS, though, mum. Your H has been having the affair for four years.

HE needs to lead with reading about and then setting up EPs. He can learn about them here, but HE needs to do the work. You cannot do it for him.

Only let him know about this forum when you are sure there is no further contact. We tell you how to spy on your H here: you do not want him reading all that stuff while he has the slightest wayward tendencies.

BTW, I live in London and my H had a 3.5-year PA with a woman who lives in Belgium. They continued their phone contact very sporadically for another 5 years after he stopped travelling in the job. All I had of her was her name and surname and a mobile phone number (incoming calls on his phone). I googled her name and her whole life was revealed to me, via the Internet. You can find out everything you need to know about a person, even if she lives in another country and you only have a phone number, via the wonderful Internet.
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Hi!

Thanks so much for that thread.it pretty much gives me an idea of how to go about it!

Will work on it!

Mumtothree

Thanks for the information.

I thought I should set up the EP and get him to comply?does this mean I just wait until he decides to do so?

I searched the Internet trying to get more info on this woman but came up with very little.eventually I thought that spending my time to get info on her was stealing from my kids and making me more and more depressed.

I don't want her to take over my life and steal any more than she has already done.

I respect what I'm hearing from you all because it comes from experience but even if I know about this women's life what good will it do me? Although I would like her husband or partner to be aware of what she ws doing.

Am now confused about putting the EP in place?

Mumtothree

Whoa, mumtothree. You need to get more from your husband than you have done so far, before you can even think about recovering your marriage. Can you back up and fill us in a bit, please?

As I understand it, there have been THREE incidents in your marriage. There is the 4-year affair with the woman in Spain, the short-term chatting with another recently, and an affair of some kind 11 years ago. Is that correct?

This is a horrendous picture, and what is so bad is that you do not know the details of any of these affairs. You don't know at all what happened in the first one and you do not know the identity of the current woman in Spain. You have had counsellors telling you to "let it go", so you have never been given full information.

You cannot begin to recover your marriage under these conditions!

In your last post, you asked me if it would do you any good to know the ID of the woman in Spain. The answer to that is: yes it would. It is crucial to closing this affair and making sure that there is no further contact between your H and her. You need to tell her H, too, so that he puts a stop to another man's involvement in his marriage, and watches his wife to see that the affair has stopped. Only when the IDs of BOTH current women have been revealed to you, and exposure to their spouses done and NC letters sent to them, can your H begin to be serious about EPs. Until you know everything and have contacted the spouse, all his words are nothing. I'm so sorry to say that you are heading for a false recovery if you do not lock this down this time.

My H's 3.5-year PA took place through numerous false recoveries. The first FR lasted two years, and was facilitated because I did not know OW's ID and did not think it mattered. All that mattered, I thought, was that my H stop the affair. The next 1+ year of FR was facilitated because my H did not give up his travelling job. He lied many times that he was not seeing OW on his trips, and I was at a loss to prove that he was. I went through about 4 FR during that time, until I had evidence and demanded that he leave that job, which he did.

There were 6 months of intense phones calls between them, until I found this forum and learned why is should expose to her H. After exposure, the calls stopped for several months, but she then began calling him at work every six months or so, and I could not prove these, although I suspected. These calls lasted until this April - so FIVE YEARS after he stopped travelling - when he was about to retire and sent her an email from our home PC, on which I had placed a keylogger. He finally emailed her from the home PC because he would soon lose access to his workplace phone and PC.

He has now retired from the job. I still have a keylogger that he knows NOTHING about, and it shows no signs of activity. We have signed up for the MB online course and I see a real change in him at last.

The point of my telling my own story on your thread is to show you why you need to find out OWs' details, expose this affair, and STOP YOUR HUSBAND'S TRAVEL or go with him every single time, in order to end his unfaithfulness. It is also a problem that you travel to the UK without him. That too will have to stop. You will have to change your lifestyles so that you are fully integrated into each other's affairs, so that ndependent - not to say sneaky and adulterous - behaviour cannot happen.

Travelling jobs are invitations to affairs, and once a spouse is in contact with an OP that they met through travel, the only way to end that contact is to change jobs. It is just too easy and tempting for an already-unfaithful spouse to continue seeing OP and lying to you. It is SO easy to conduct a secret second life when a spouse travels.

You do not want to go through any more of this, but you will, unless you follow the steps outlined by Dr Harley.

mum, you need to follow the 4 steps outlined in Dr Harley's articles, but you cannot complete step 1 until you know the ID of OW and can verify that a NC letter has been sent to her, and her husband has been informed. Also, if this affair involved their workplaces, then their bosses need to be informed.

That is ALL a part of step 1.

Coping with Infidelity: Part 1: How Do Affairs Begin?

Coping With Infidelity Part Two: How Should Affairs End?

How To Survive An Affair

Sugarcanes right - she needs to get dumped by letter. Its vital for your sense of reassurance and to kill the A.

Other options are to get a PI

Or maybe insist your H gives you the info - perhaps verify hes told the truth as part of a poly?

That goes for all the OW

Hi sugarcane,

My WH actually doesn't have a travelling job.we very rarely are separated because of work travel.

This particular OW came to work here for 6 months in08,09 and then left.

He was her supervisor and first emailed her requesting her number because of an admin related issue.they had a number of things in common and had talked during her stay here about their common challenges regarding family work etc.

He doesn't remember dates,doesn't know her address either,she is unmarried.this much he has said.I tried getting contact details through another supervisor but nothing came up.it bothers me that if we were in the same room together I wouldn't have a clue about who she was unless someone told me her name

The affair consisted of long distance calls and emails most of which were deleted.The other two A are as you said.



Just to let you know I don't trust him at the moment.all I want is to close the holes thatmight let the OW contact him at any point so that we can begin to think of what next.that's why we need to put the EP in place.


The online program seems to be a good one. I am hoping we will be able to work on it
Funds permitting.how did you find it and was it worth the while doing it.?

Mumtothree