So I just got off the phone with an old friend who called me out of the blue. She said she doesn't know why she called but she found my number on fb. (Just so you know, she lives in my home state which is a 16 hour drive away and a place I will not return to live unless my daughter is there). It just seems I get frequent chances to try to help marriages.

Anyway, our hour long conversation was basically her telling me her marital issues and me using MB to try to help her do what she could to get things going in a better direction.

She admitted there is SF about 5x's a month. They don't have any UA together. They don't have stimulating conversation hardly ever. She says they don't have any fun together. They work very different schedules. He is not an affectionate person and has never been.

I gave her several suggestions but she didn't agree that my suggestions would help. I told her who better to educate her husband on how to love her. She said she didn't think she should have to. I told her to see how increased SF might impact him for a while. She said she didn't want to do that. I said she should sit down and play a video game with him once a while. She said she wouldn't do that. I said find a way to get out and enjoy each other but she said he wouldn't if she asked because she's tried. I told her only option since he, from what she says, doesn't want help, won't do counseling, etc., was to try to be the best wife she could be.

What else could I tell her? She didn't say it, but conditions are favorable for her to have a ea/pa and I want to help them.

Ummm, she's hoping that you'll be her affair partner. Don't take any more calls from her.

At least that's how it looks from here.

You really think so? I don't even see her that way...but I guess it could happen to anyone. I really just want to help.

mark, you shouldn't be discussing marital/personal problems with any (married) females. That is a big no-no!

Mark, be very very careful. Reading this I thought exactly the same as Kirby.

I recently got called on to meet with a friend's husband privately due to marital difficulties. I did it, but I was very very careful. My boundaries were very high. I sat at quite a distance, made clear that this was a one off meeting and I was not interested in meeting him again without his wife present, and kept the conversation very focussed on MB practices to strengthen his marriage.

I was very aware that both of us had EN's that we want met. Although I have never thought of him in "that way" and doubt I ever would, I have read here just how affairs start. No way for me.

I gave him my opinion, discussed MB strategies, and pointed him to this forum and Dr Harley's books. And then I told him first and foremost I will be there for my friend, his wife.

Yes he is a friend. But he is my friend's husband.

The time and energy this woman spent talking to you, could be better spent reading MB and implementing them with her husband.

I guess I must be honest. She is an old girlfriend whom I haven't spoken to or seen in about 10 years. I don't have any feelings for her anymore, she's married, and I'm still in love with my ww. I WAS surprised to say the least when I saw the call.

I really did just want to help but it's probably not a good idea. The distance would make it difficult for anything to happen but I realize it's playing with fire.

Thanks.

Mark, ITA. All I got from this is DANGER DANGER DANGER.

What you can do is point her to MB and the material and tell her that she should find some FEMALE friends to discuss her marital problems with.

You need to shore up your boundaries until your divorce is final and you are ready to date.

Before of those who have weak boundaries and are trolling.

She shared way too many things with you that shouldn't have been shared with a man other than her husband.

Discussing marital or relationships is Intimate Conversation. Because of this, Love Bank deposits are made by having these types of conversations.

So, were you to continue attempting to coach this woman, both of you could develop a Love Bank balance that reaches the threshold of Romantic Love. Love Bank deposits aren't always willful and rational. However, Mark, you know these concepts. You should defer to the books, site, or coaching center to protect yourself.

Which makes me totally certain that she was trolling for an A.

Oh, forgive me. REMOVE HER AND ANY OLD GIRLFRIENDS FROM FACEBOOK NOW. There, done.

In her defense, she only shared those things because I asked questions in an attempt to find something to help her change. I'm totally sold on MB concepts and love having this knowledge that I can share. That's all I wanted to do - help. Our whole conversation was MB concepts.

I do understand, though. NOT a good idea no matter how pure my intentions really are.

Slippery slope and all that. Have you read How Affairs begin? You may need to re-read it. Also, there was a thread that Pepperband started that was all about the steps to adultery. I think you would find that some of those steps were taken here.

Also, give a long hard look as to why you deceived us at first by leaving out that she was a former girlfriend. I think you already knew that it was crossing some boundaries.

I can't say that you're not spot on. I actually laughed when I read this because I knew it was true. I left out that detail because I knew you guys would send 2x4's from every direction.

I really was trying to help, though. I guess I just can't strews that enough. I even found myself getting frustrated and a bit bothered
because I was giving her what I thought was good advice but she almost seemed to not want it.

Because she was trolling.

Lesson learned? I would tell her about MB, DrH, and cut her loose. You don't need her drama, and you definitely don't need to become an OM.

Boundaries are for everybody, mark!

I heard Dr. Harley saying today on an old 2007 broadcast, and I've heard him say it before: to grow love, use conversation. That's really one of the number ones for women and men, sometimes whether they realize it or not.

Do you know what women talk about when they are having an affair? They talk about their marital problems. That is what makes the most love bank deposits. I have heard Dr. Harley advise husbands to talk to their wives about their problems, because that's what makes the biggest deposits.

Talking to a woman alone about her relationship problems is the surest way to her heart, and a great way to open yours to her.

I heard another old broadcast yesterday in which Dr. Harley advised a couple for their conversation not to discuss "topics," but to discuss each other. Discuss themselves. This type of conversation is the intimate conversation that lights the spark of a romantic relationship.

I am assuming you do not believe sparking a romantic relationship with this troubled married woman is appropriate. Therefore, I advise you to make the situation fireproof by taking extraordinary precautions to avoid love bank deposits in either direction. You'll never get addicted to alcohol if you don't take the first drink, you know?

There is a woman at work in a bad marriage. She gripes frequently to the man who works at the desk next to me. He gives advice and shares personal information about his relationship with his girlfriend. I slip on headphones or leave. I do not give her any advice whatsoever. I can't help everybody. I know that's a dangerous situation, and I simply won't enter it.

This does bring up an interesting question. Because of the journey I've been on over the last year and all that I've learned, I have a GREAT desire to want to help others. What good is what I've learned if I cant help others that I know, even if they are women?

I would point her in the right direction, remove her from FB, and GET AWAY.

Damsels in distress are A LOT of OW's. You don't need that.

Have you removed her from FB yet?

I will delete her as soon as I can get to a computer. I can't seem to find a way to unfriend on my phone app which is all I have.

In terms of helping others, I wasn't just talking about her. I'm a minister (just in case some have forgot) and helping others is what I do.

I dunno what to advise you on a professional level. Not my expertise. I'll let others weigh in on that.

How do male ministers counsel women?


Never alone for one.

If alone in an office, then with the door open and someone outside

Never over the phone.

Never old flames and

never alone...

CV