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Thank you I will listen I cannot bear this pain again.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Posts: 12,357
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Thank you I will listen I cannot bear this pain again. Very good. Now tell us your plan. What are you going to do and when are you going to do it?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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he said he wanted to come home and have his life back but clearly does not. You misunderstand. He DOES want to come home and have his life back. He just doesn't know how to do it. Your WH is staggeringly addicted and can't break the addiction on his own. He needs your help - not your enabling.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33 |
My plan is to turn off all telephone numbers he has, I have spoke to PIL and told them I don't want to hear how he is anymore and don't wish to speak to him or hear anything about him until he straightens his heads out and moves away from OW.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33
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Posts: 33 |
If he comes to the door I shall ask if his affair has finished if not then goodbye sorry I cannot be in 3 way relationship or help you whilst you are in your relationship.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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If he comes to your door, you should not answer it.
Tilly do you really understand Plan B? It means he gets NOTHING of you.
Not the sound of your voice, not a glimpse of you, no conversations, NOTHING.
Let him figure out the logistics of breaking away from OW.
He had no trouble leaving you, right? He has experience moving out of a woman's home...he did it to you. Now he needs to do it to OW. I'm sure he can figure it out. Its not your problem.
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If he comes to the door I shall ask if his affair has finished if not then goodbye sorry I cannot be in 3 way relationship or help you whilst you are in your relationship. No. If he comes to the door you don't answer. You need to change the locks so he can't get in. When he leaves you have your IM call him to remind him that he is to have zero contact with you until he leaves OW and agrees to your conditions for returning home. What are your requirements for allowing him to come back to the marriage?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33
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Locks have been changed.
He needs to have left her of his own accord with no help from me.
He needs to be free of drugs.
He needs to understand that although our marriage was not good affairs are never an excuse, whether he left me for her or not it is an affair.
He needs to be 100% honest.
No porn
Free access to mobile phone for me
Account for all his time
Get a job eventually and work
Spend more time with us as a family rather than "at the gym".
I am sure I could think of more.
I have been weak to plan B thinking I could twist it slightly to just texts this has been wrong and stupid.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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He needs to be free of drugs. At least 6 months! Minimum. Get a job eventually and work Have a job and keeping it at least 6 months! Spend more time with us as a family rather than "at the gym". Ready/willing/able to work MB with Harley team guidance. He (and you) need to understand POJA. WH cannot go to the gym at all .... IF it makes you unhappy. I have been weak to plan B thinking I could twist it slightly to just texts this has been wrong and stupid. Your own worst enemy in Plan B? Look in the mirror. You can do better. Will you?
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I have been weak to plan B thinking I could twist it slightly to just texts this has been wrong and stupid. NO. Plan B is not receiving or sending texts to your wayward husband. Do you not understand at all? You must have ZERO contact with him. The affair will fail FASTER if you let OW try to meet all of his needs. You are HELPING the affair to continue, because your wayward husband knows that you are still a back-up plan. He won't take the required actions until he FEARS that he is losing you. He will panic when you are completely absent from his life. And you will be protected from wondering WHY he doesn't just do what he says hes going to do. Stop worrying and wondering about his problems, and start healing yourself. Figure out why you are so co-dependent on someone who treats you SO BADLY.
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Posts: 33
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I will this time.
His parents think he is having a nervous breakdown so I will stay well clear and have told them I don't want to hear, they are disgusted with him.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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I will this time.
His parents think he is having a nervous breakdown so I will stay well clear and have told them I don't want to hear, they are disgusted with him. Hold up your hand. Say "STOP!"Then say "I will not listen to anything about WH. Let's change the subject. Have you seen any movies?"If they "forget" and continue to speak about WH, say "I must excuse myself. I have a hard rule. Nothing about WH. I'll talk to you later about anything else."THEN LEAVE...... Or, in you home, open the door for them and say "See you later."
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I have been weak to plan B thinking I could twist it slightly to just texts this has been wrong and stupid. NO. Plan B is not receiving or sending texts to your wayward husband. Do you not understand at all? You must have ZERO contact with him. The affair will fail FASTER if you let OW try to meet all of his needs. You are HELPING the affair to continue, because your wayward husband knows that you are still a back-up plan. He won't take the required actions until he FEARS that he is losing you. He will panic when you are completely absent from his life. And you will be protected from wondering WHY he doesn't just do what he says hes going to do. Stop worrying and wondering about his problems, and start healing yourself. Figure out why you are so co-dependent on someone who treats you SO BADLY. yes counselling has been suggested, I just love him so much faults and all but have not worked a good plan b because I have not worked on myself either, I did for a few months and gave up.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33 |
I will this time.
His parents think he is having a nervous breakdown so I will stay well clear and have told them I don't want to hear, they are disgusted with him. Hold up your hand. Say "STOP!"Then say "I will not listen to anything about WH. Let's change the subject. Have you seen any movies?"If they "forget" and continue to speak about WH, say "I must excuse myself. I have a hard rule. Nothing about WH. I'll talk to you later about anything else."THEN LEAVE...... Or, in you home, open the door for them and say "See you later."She offered to call over the weekend and I said yes just to find out if the boys are coming I don't want to hear about his mess, I think she gets it now. Thank you all for your advice. Many people tell me to give up on this marriage maybe i should i just know his kids love him and i have loved him for 17 years so it is not easy.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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Posts: 9,537 Likes: 9
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Thank you all for your advice.
Many people tell me to give up on this marriage maybe i should i just know his kids love him and i have loved him for 17 years so it is not easy. tilly, there is no reason for you to give up on your marriage if you don't want to, just because your H is having an affair. Many people posting to you now are in recovering marriages, some from deeply-entrenched or long-term affairs, and we got to be in the position because we did not give up on the marriage. Use the Harley plans to fight for your marriage and put yourself in a good position to work on recovery, should your H ever end the affair, end his addictions and agree to your conditions. I wonder whether YOU are depressed. Have you seen a doctor about your emotional state? I think many people would benefit from anti-depressants during the immediate aftermath of affair shock - and you have been through a prolonged period of this.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Posts: 12,357
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His parents think he is having a nervous breakdown so I will stay well clear and have told them I don't want to hear, they are disgusted with him. The next time they start to say something about him to you, put your hands over your ears and say "Please, don't say anything more. I can't bear it." Surely they will respect that, and maybe they are visual learners who actually need to SEE that you mean what you say. If they insist upon heaping this hurtful stuff on you, tell them you'll no longer be able to visit with them. Make it happen, tilly. Strong, silent, DARK.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Posts: 1,080
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Locks have been changed.
He needs to have left her of his own accord with no help from me.
He needs to be free of drugs. And working an ongoing program of recovery such as NA/AA
He needs to understand that although our marriage was not good affairs are never an excuse, whether he left me for her or not it is an affair.
He needs to be 100% honest.
No porn
Free access to mobile phone for me
Account for all his time
Get a job eventually and work
Spend more time with us as a family rather than "at the gym".
I am sure I could think of more.
I have been weak to plan B thinking I could twist it slightly to just texts this has been wrong and stupid.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Locks have been changed.
He needs to have left her of his own accord with no help from me.
He needs to be free of drugs.
He needs to understand that although our marriage was not good affairs are never an excuse, whether he left me for her or not it is an affair.
He needs to be 100% honest.
No porn
Free access to mobile phone for me
Account for all his time
Get a job eventually and work
Spend more time with us as a family rather than "at the gym".
I am sure I could think of more. Spend a minimum of 25 hours a week in UA time with you.
Work the MB program for rebuilding your M.
I have been weak to plan B thinking I could twist it slightly to just texts this has been wrong and stupid.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428 |
I just love him so much faults and all but have not worked a good plan b because I have not worked on myself either, I did for a few months and gave up. WH is unraveling in the mess of his creation. He may or may not man up and meet your requirements. As others have said, you don't have to give up on your marriage. It is your choice. But meanwhile, you can not give up on yourself. Less worrying about WH. Only he can control his choices. More worrying about Tilly. Control your choices. I write this for you as well as myself. Plan small steps and take them. One day you will look back and see just how far you have come.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 33 |
Thank you all I had cut down on anti-depressants but think I may speak with the GP. I still love WH so will stay plan B deep and thank you for the adjustments to my plan for him returning, I am sure there will be more to add.
Thank you.
Today is DS1 Nativity, I will NOT get overly emotional at WH missing his 3rd and last Nativity.
I will not give up on my family.
ME: 38
WH:38
DS1 - 6
DS2- 11
Married 17 years
DDay: Sept 13th 2010 - He simply left so no Plan A
December - July 2011 Plan B
July 2011 - OW had still born
August - December 2011 Not Plan B (texting we loved each other)
WH returned for 1 night then left for OW
16th December 2011 - Tight Dark Plan B
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