My wife of 18 years had a texting affair with an ex boyfriend I found out about it 1 month ago. Since then i cant stop thinking she is having an affair with someone else. She doesnt seem to want to try to work on the marriage or do anything for the marriage. There have been some very strange events happen when i am out of town on business. Like hearing sex sounds on the phone when she is talking to me. Like me saying that cameras are in the house and she immediatly goes to sprint to find out my location. To her desperatly not wanting me to go to her old work place to talk to anyone. Even today when i decided to get on these forums she decided to build a puzzle when i told her that bothered me she got on the forums and starting looking at the investigation forums. I asked her why she says she is curious. I think she is having a current affair with someone and i cant stop thinking that. Am i crazy cause it feels like i am, but all the evidence that has been happening over the last month is telling me that she is but will not admit it. Problem is I have no physical proof. Not sure what to do at this point.

Stop talking and GET THE PROOF. Be quiet, get the proof and come back here. The best way is to hire a PI.

And go by her old workplace and see if they will tell you what happened.

And I would stop going out of town.

And don't let her see the forum!

Unless it is faked to get a PI - or yourself to see what she will do after you leave.

Check out the Operation Investigate forum. Look into GPSs, VARs etc. Keep your eyes peeled.

It doesnt sound good. Honest people dont keep secrets

Also, install a keylogger on computers that she may use and if you can get her phone, install spyware. If she has an iphone, install find my iphone and it gives you GPS location when you access it through the app.

Here's the full list of advisable actions.

NEVERGUESSED�S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

t/j Welcome back, NG!

Thank'ee Ma'am!

Donald,

I'm sorry to tell you this but when someone suspects their spouse is having an affair or even when they don't really suspect it (out of naivety) but notice "strange" and "different" behavior, 95% of the time it turns out that THEIR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Dr. Harley acknowledges this fact too as do many professional PIs who do relationship investigations. I'm sorry, but it is true in the the vast majority of cases.

Many betrayed husbands (BHs) especially don't want to believe it for obvious reasons and delude themselves into believing that "it's all in their head" and "she would never do that", etc., etc. I did too way back when. Never would have guessed it in a million years. But the warnings signs, which I dismissed at the time, were obvious in hindsight...strange incoming calls at odd times, hiding her phone/laptop, lots of "happy hours" after work, working "late" and on Saturdays, changes in sexual habits/preferences, yada yada yada.

Please don't bury your head in the sand and please listen to the advice you are being given here--you must snoop and gather evidence w/o alerting or warning your wife to what you are doing. Hiring a PI is the simplest, one-stop approach but if you can't afford that then use the techniques spelled out here and in the Operation Investigate forum on this website. Gather incontrovertible proof and then come back here for advice on the next step--which is nuclear exposure.

You must act and don't forewarn her or let her know that you are suspicious. Sorry but just do it.

Donald,

I think the # 1 thing that keeps a BS from spying on their suspected WS is they don't want to look like some crazy psycho or over jealous spouse. They especially fear they will find nothing and end up looking like they are crazy. A close second is deep down they don't want to know the truth, at least that is how I felt about it. You have to get over that and protect yourself with the truth!

I don't know your whole situation, but a person who leaves town on business is one who is most capable of checking up on their spouse.

I would only recommend this if you are capable of keeping a cool head if you find out the worst, you must assume you will and plan in your head how you will react (don't want to end up in jail).

My suggestion, if you don't want to hire a PI, is take a vacation for the normal length of time you would spend out of town, or a portion of that and do the came home early thing. Lie to your W and tell her you have a business trip. Keep it at the norm, if she normally knows a week ahead then tell her a week ahead. You want her to be able to make plans with her other man. If you can access her phone records, you will see the day you tell her of the trip there will be texts or calls to him.

Rent a hotel where your W would never find you, get a rental car and do your own investigation. Take a camera and get some good pics. The cool thing is, even if you loose track of her, you can call just to check up and ask what she is doing, if she is spewing lies you will know.

Good luck

I agree with this. I would add that a 3rd reason why some BSs don't snoop and investigate is simple naivety. They "trust" their WSs too much. [Total trust sounds like the ideal but it is actually very dangerous to a marriage, as Dr. H states. It leads to complacency and failure to recognize that ANYONE (no matter how "good" and "loyal" they were or seem) is CAPABLE of having an affair if he/she fails to defend appropriate boundaries and rationalizes away why this is "ok"...usually with some self-entitled blather about how their marriage/spouse isn't what they wanted or expected.] They overlook warning signs of secrecy, deception, and emotional distance because they are convinced that he/she "would never do something like that". The strange thing is that we seem to see way more BHs than BWs here get timid and cold feet when it comes to the all important steps of INVESTIGATING & EXPOSING. BHs (myself included) get cowed and bury their head in the sand way too much and later pay the price for passively believing a woman that isn't worthy of being believed.

This doesn't seem to be the case with Donald fortunately as he has noticed warning signals and is suspicious. But he must ACT and FOLLOW THE PLAN.


Agreed. The workplace is the most common site of affairs and where they begin and the most common source of the OM/OW. Travelling out-of-town on business trips only makes it easier for the affair partners to carry on their dirt in secret.


Donald, the only way you are gonna "be thrown in jail" is if you react with physical violence. Don't do that obviously. As far as I know there is nothing illegal whatsoever with altering and tracking property of the marriage (cellphone, laptop, vehicle). The software and spy devices are sold openly in stores and online. The beauty of hiring a PI is that he can do all this for you professionally as well as conduct physical surveillance with far less chance of being recognized than you would have. There are many great do-it-yourself suggestions in this thread and in the Operation Investigate forum, but I strongly advise BHs here to HIRE A PI unless it is absolutely beyond their means to do so.

The cost is a pittance compared to the cost--both emotional and financial--of a continuing uninterrupted affair that usually leads to divorce. Having a packet of undeniable documentation from a professional investigator will make nuclear exposure (your BEST weapon to break the affair) to friends, family, workplace, and OM's side all the more easy and authoritative.

Years ago, I was warned and advised to take this route by a friend but chose not to for I now know were stupid reasons (fear of 'rocking the boat', fear of 'violating trust', naivety in not wanting to believe an affair would 'ever happen to us', etc). I was my biggest regret and I would hate to see any other BH make the same mistake and be taken advantage of bu a gaslighting, scapegoating, lying WW.

So what have you decided to do, Donald?

Donald, its time to have MORE out of town business trips, but you actually DONT leave.

Plan a out of town trip a week from now
Bug the phone if she has a smartphone
Put a GPS on her car.
Put a keylogger on the computer.
Put a voice activated recorder under her carseat.
Make sure she knows about it.

check your keylogger, her phone, the recorder every day to see if shes planning something

(emphasis mine)

Meaning "make sure she knows Donald is going out of town on business" not make sure she knows about your snooping techniques and suspicions.

There... even better-er-er

..... oh my ... i just now noticed that typo...