Some twelve years ago I went through an episode of alcoholism and depression that made life hell for my wife and family. The relationship had been on the rocks anyway but she stuck through it. After about four years of instability I finally found my feet, got sober and life was at least livable. But it was still clear that we were incompatible and after several years of a relationship that remained tense and loveless, we decided to physically separate.

Since then, I have been giving her much more financial support than the law would normally require, mainly out of a sense of guilt over my past behaviour. I don't really have a problem with the money, and she is doing a good job with her part of the parenting of our child. But after six years of separation, it's time to divorce and move on, and she's made it clear that she won't have it without a fight. I'm certain she has no romantic or sexual interest in me whatsoever - that part of our relationship was dying even before my alcoholic episode. But whatever her reasons, she's against the divorce and I'm reluctant to just go ahead because I don't want the acrimony spilling over onto our son. We're friendly and cooperative enough with each other about many things, she doesn't take her resentments out on me, but the whole divorce issue clearly has some meaning for her that I can't fathom.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

xatlantic, does she want to save your marriage? Or does she want to remain separated like this forever?

Would you be willing to recover your marriage? Incompatibility is a problem that can be solved with this program.

I have no idea what she wants, she won't talk about it.

There's no marriage to recover. We should never have gotten married to begin with, it was ill-advised and basically just due to the pregnancy. Marry in haste, repent at leisure, I guess.

xatlantic, you can save your marriage if you use this program. I know it seems crazy, but Harley has turned around marriages where the couples actually hated each other. His program is entirely different from anything else and it really does work in a fairly short amount of time, too. If you have any interest in doing that, I would suggest his book Fall in Love, Stay in Love and perhaps take advantage of the counseling services.

The reason it works is because it is more of an action oriented program much like AA and other successful programs. He doesn't counsel couples together, he doesn't engage in psychobabble or discuss "childhoods," it is all very action oriented where progress is measured. They don't mess around. It really does work.

If that is not an option for you, I would just file for divorce and move on. There is no reason to live in a state of limbo. She can't hold you hostage against your will. But just know that your marriage is not hopeless. It could be completely turned into a romantic and passionate marriage. Sounds crazy, I know, but it really does work if both partners are on board.

Hi, Xatlantic, and welcome.

Does your wife object based on religious reasons? Or is it financial reasons? These are two logical motivations to refuse to divorce. If it's the latter, you can probably reassure her that you'll be fair.

It could also be that she doesn't want to divorce because she's just plain afraid to move on without you as a "safety net." And it could be she doesn't want you to move on either.

Regardless, you obviously don't need her blessing to get divorced. Your child would probably benefit from the closure as well as you. Wehile you all are just separated, it's a lot easier for him or her to hold out hope of being an intact family again.

Sometimes I do get the feeling that she doesn't want me to move on, but it's the why that perplexes me.

In any case, that last is probably what I was really looking to hear. My parents' divorce was very bitter, it certainly left scars and I can't run the risk of that happening to my child.


Melodylane, your focus is totally understandable seeing that this site appears to mainly be about fixing marriages rather than ending them, but my wife and I could be any two people you pulled off the street and tried to apply the magic formula to. I think the total lack of substance and meaning at the beginning is what would rule us out. There's nothing to "return" to, it's all a never-was.

Thanks for the comments.

XAtlantic, I hear you. When there are fundamental deep differences, you cannot build compatibility. It's not the "we have nothing to talk about" kind of incompatibility. It's the kind that makes any kind of decision an ordeal, when any discussion becomes impossible since you see the world totally differently.

xatlantic, I fully understand that, but he does turn around marriages just like yours. And of course you don't want to return to what you had, that marriage is what led to this separation. I am talking about something completely different. He has turned around marriages were there was NEVER any romantic love, there was NEVER compatibility. That does not rule you out. All it takes is willingness.

I fully understand if you don't want to try, but just know it is certainly not hopeless. WE have seen much, much worse than this turned into a romantic marriage.

xatlantic, I can fully understand if you don't WANT to save your marriage. No one would fault you for not wanting to try. But don't believe for a minute that you are "too incompatible." This program RESOLVES incompatibility.

If you want Dr Harley to explain it to you, send him an email on his radio show and he will answer your question FOR FREE. You don't have to call in if you don't want to, he will read your email over the air.

But don't let anyone tell you that you are "too incompatible" to recover your marriage. That is nonsense. The policy of joint agreement is the solution to incompatibility. I know of many, many couples over the years who have done exactly that. And many were NEVER in love.

Check this out: Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible

Dr Harley likes to give specific examples of great marriages on his radio show that were constructed with very incompatible people. Incompatibility is resolved with the policy of joint agreement.

He gives the example of his parents; his father was a conservative and his mother was a communist. In his own marriage, he was a big outdoorsman who loved camping, sports and mountain climbing; his wife, Joyce, hated all of that so he gave them up. They both have very compatible marriages. I can think of many others from this board that were very incompatible who transformed their marriages. I know some of them personally.

Incompatibility is a problem that can be solved. A deficit of romantic love is a problem can be solved. As long as there is willingness.

Dr Harley doesn't hesitate to tell someone when they should get divorced or separated. And he is not someone to give false hope to others. Nor is he a marriage at all cost guy. He is very straightforward about that, and so am I. But incompatibility and a lack of love in marriage are VERY SOLVABLE problems.

Don't get me wrong - I really do think that it's all probably great for people who have some "other" reason to want to stay together. But to be blunt, I read your link and as far as letter #2 goes, I would ask that couple, why on Earth are you bothering?

Probably I'd be considered rather selfish in that I'd also like to have my chance at being in love, rather than having "one of those marriages that got saved even though they don't love each other." I really don't mean to be contrary. In my case, there's just neither point nor virtue to continuing.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Xatlantic, Marriage Builders does not believe in staying together when you are not in love and that is not what I was suggesting at all. I don't believe you are selfish in the least for wanting to be in love. That is a basic expectation of marriage that Dr Harley strongly believes. But you CAN be in love with your wife and you CAN be compatible. Compatibility is learned.

As far as letter #2, many people can and do choose to stay In marriages after affairs. Why bother? Is that a serious question?

This is becoming quite a tangent, but sure it's a serious question. If that letter happened to describe my marriage, I'd be done with it even faster than the marriage I want to be done with now.

It's not the affair per se, but rather the lack of anything positive to say about the marriage. So I would say, "why are you bothering?" It would be a quite literal rather than a rhetorical question.

That's fine if that is your choice. But many people do try to save their marriages from an affair. And that is fine too. IF they want to save their marriage from an affair, those are some of the tactics they use.

Again, this is NOT a marriage at all cost program. It is for people who WANT to save their marriages.