Hi,

So, WH has filed for D as a complete reaction to my exposure of him. We are a military family, and I informed the first shirt of his infidelity. Come to find out, just days later (really, not even 1 week), he hired a divorce attorney and filed paperwork.

We have a DD, age 4, and this is killing me. She should not be going through this, well, none of us should.

I found out very recently that due to my exposure, WH is being punished, and has had a reduction in rank. The OW, which was also a military member, is getting kicked out of the military. She is the lesser ranking individual, but, due to her getting in trouble for adultery a second time (yep! another family divorced and she was the OW...just LAST YEAR) they are letting her go.

I absolutely hate that my WH had a complete knee-jerk reaction, but then again, I can't say I am surprised, just upset, because I obviously want my marriage to work out and survive all of this.

I have my own lawyer working with me through this. However, where in the world do I go with this now? It sucks when your chirstmas present this year ends up being divorce papers.

The divorce is NOT due to the exposure of the affair.
It is due to the affair itself.

His reaction is not that you exposed what he had been doing BUT a reaction to the outfall of what he had been doing itself.

You may wind up divorced but you will not wind up divorced because of trying to save your marriage with exposing the truth of the situation. It will be because your H is messed up. He risked his marriage, family, career, etc. He did it. Him.

You did the right thing Erika.

Sure he is angry. He is lashing out at YOU but the fact is that HE committed the sin and (by military standards) the crime of adultery and now he is paying the price. He doesn't want to face that fact....that HE caused it....so he filed for divorce to distract himself from owning his part in this....by filing for divorce he can focus on that evil Erika who RUINED MY LIFE!!!! Waaaahhh.

Consequences.

He will either come out of the fog and come to you with hat in hand asking what he can do to make it up to you, OR he won't.

You have a plan for both of the possibilities right? So stick to your plan and don't worry about all his half cocked blustering because he is all angry that you exposed his activities.

((Erika))). I know it is rough. I know you don't want a divorce. I know you want him to come to his senses. He may. Or may not. Either way it WILL get better. I promise.

If your husband wanted to reconcile, not exposure, nothing would stop him. He is just using that as an excuse. Dr Harley addressed this on yesterdays radio show. He said if exposure supposedly killed your marriage, it was already too far gone and you weren't going to reconcile anyway.

Your husband had a reduction in rank due to his AFFAIR and for no other reason. It is not your fault he had an affair. Your H apparently hasn't manned up and taken responsibility for his own actions. Much easier to blame his victim.

So I am sorry if you do end up divorced [just filing for divorce does not mean a marriage is over] but it is not because of exposure. It is because of his affair.

Agree totally with ML
It is not exposure, It is whats left of his conscience. Which is obviously not much.
My wife started the D process in sept. and just yesterday said I cannot imagine life without you???? Everything they say and do is nonsense when they are in the fog.
You just cant believe anything they say. Follow your plan. No one knows where life goes or who will deciede what, only where we have been and what we have endured. You are not to blame for his actions.

ML - What time did Dr. Harley say this in yesterday's radio broadcast, I don't remember hearing it?

99% of those waywards exposed go down the divorce path i.e. they either file or threaten it for a long time. They have the anger, venom, and rage concerning exposure.

When is it the affair fog and when is it the pre-A marriage?

VERY FEW threaten divorce and even those that do, don't do it for long. IT typically blows over in a couple of days. I would say about 50% of the marriages that use exposure end up in recovery, usually because of exposure. About 99% that don't expose, end up in divorce. It is the rare exception that ends up divorced and it is NEVER because of exposure. Exposure would never stop a WS who wanted to reconcile.

He did almost an entire show on exposure and I thought it was yesterday.


I don't know what this means.

I think it was the first thing...GJMs question....but it was for sure yesterday. I listened to it.

Exposure doesn't cause the divorce. If they divorce, then they would have divorced regardless.

Erika,

First of all, prayers to you for strength and grace. I echo what the others have said: exposure was the right thing to do and you should have a plan based on MB principles ready to employ. I'm sorry you're experiencing this torment. God is with you.

I exposed my WW's affair and she is still angry with me. Not my problem. She's in a fog and divorce paper are in process in spite of my best efforts to reconcile. I have absolutely no regrets for exposing the affair. I believe it was my best chance to save my marriage. If we wind up divorced, at least I know I did my best to save the marriage by following researched-based tactics that have saved thousands of marriages.

The richter scale of emotions is going crazy in you right now. Be prayerful, get support from wise people (including those here), and follow the MB principles. They won't fail you...even if your husband does.

God bless you!

Hi, Erika.

Since you don't want the divorce, you should tell your lawyer you want to stall and drag this out as long as possible. Time is on your side now.

I'd also see what kind of support the military can give you. I know they have conselors available, and maybe some other wives can offer support. If nothing else, the other wives owe you a debt of gratitude for getting the OW removed. She was a menace.

Hi again and thanks for all of your responses.

To answer a few things:
Im still in Plan B, and getting things together for DD and I.

I do have a counselor that supports MB principles that is helping me through this.

My lawyer and I are going to drag this thing out as long as I can.

Thanks, Opt. I needed to see that, I keep thinking incorrectly.
Its just when he basically ran to the lawyers office, and it was right after he found out about the investigation, I began to think like this. Not anymore. Thank you.

Ok, this is more of a vent, and it has to do with my mil:

I was just talking to her 2 days ago over the phone about WH and I divorcing and the punishment that he is now facing due to his choice to have an affair. I was blunt and told her that this is all a very stupid reason for a family to break apart. I also let her know that I actually do want this marriage, and I also want my family in tact.

MIL said to me, "well, didn't you already have issues in your marriage before all of this happened?" Well, yes, there were a few issues, but nothing that wasn't solvable, and I told her that. I also asked her how she felt about my decision to inform WHs first shirt of his infidelity. She tells me "I can't say if what you did was right or wrong, because I am not living this the way you are living this". I am on the other line thinking to myself what happened to the woman that I have known to always stand up for the right thing, no matter what?

I feel like I am experiencing some great divide. I have always, truly had an excellent relationship with her. Its just that now that WH and I are going through this, she seems to be beating all around the bush and not telling me her true feelings. I am starting to really believe that she does not want us to be married anymore. I also feel that she doesn't fully support my decision for exposure, and respect the details of that either. In order to complete my exposure, I had to bring some very nasty things to light about OW, which in turn cast such an ugly, ugly, shadow on WH, but I had to do this. As a matter of fact, I think I am helping to save several people out there who would otherwise make a really bad choice and get horribly affected by it later.

Wow. End of vent. Thanks for letting me get that one out.

Erika,

It sure sounds like you've got your act together and will rise through it. I want you to write out what you expect from your WH when he approaches you to reconcile. The day may come and it should be well thought out, you will need to be ready for that.

Like full access to his phone and computer, a commitment to MB principles, counseling ect.

Merry Christmas

SC

Just to give you a little contrast effect Erika....My D-day was a year and 7 months ago. My MIL....and she was my MIL for 25 years at D-Day....26 years before the divorce was final....and I am the mother of her only grandson...one of only 2 grandchildren....hasn't made ONE. Single. call to me. Not one.

I think for a MIL....yours sounds about average. Maybe even a little above average.

Hi Erika, I followed your thread over in SAA.

I tend to think of a wayward's response to exposure like a kid having a temper tantrum. Some rant, spew nasty words, pretty much stamp their feet that someone has caught them out in a lie and told the world about it. Kids don't always like consequences at the time, but they need them to develop into an emotionally healthy adult.

My WH threatened divorce after exposure, but likely found out in our country he can't file yet. Your WH running to file so soon after exposure is simply part of the tantrum. Whether or not he follows through remains to be seen. Whether or not our WH's can become emotionally mature and healthy adults remains to be seen. We have done our best to set the example.

Hugs Erika. I hope you have plans for a festive and loving Christmas.

As for MIL, if she contacts again, maybe point out that divorce is unlikely to make anyone involved happy in the long term. Custody disputes and access agreements are not as nice as an intact and happy family.

I'm unsure of your arrangements over Christmas in regards to visitation, but this may hit home at this time of year.

Merry Christmas to you as well.

As far as reconcilition, I want the same things everyone else needs: transparency. This is at the top of my list, as long as following MB principles. To be honest, I have no earthly idea how I would take his approach to reconciliation. I want this of course, and obviously WH will come to me. That will shock me for sure.

I sometimes feel as if I just need a good cry, and most other days I am just fine. These cry days are getting fewer and fewer, and further in between, thank God.

Smilingwoman...
so, above average? Lol is that supposed to make me feel better or worse?

Geeze, I am learning way more than I thought, but its okay.
Sorry your MIL reacted that way.

Carcal-
Yes, I see that the reaction is part of the tantrum. A really ugly one at that as well.

All things considered, I will have a Merry Christmas, and I hope that all of you do the same.