I know I'm coming from the opposite side on this, but I came across this site bookmarked and now know that my husband has been reading it.

My husband has repeatedly accused me of having affairs at work, trying to hook up with people I see at school (I'm a grad student), etc. There is absolutely nothing to it! I am friends with the people with whom I associate, and that's it. My husband is very insecure. He knows this and admits to it. Having to constantly reassure him, putting up with being accused and getting yelled at when something "looks fishy", being called names -- it's all taking it's toll. I have tried, but I am finding absolutely nothing that will convince him that there is no affair. Once in a while I do have to work late. I talk to male colleagues and co-students. I am offended by the accusations and hurt by the distrust that there is any more to it than that.

We've been married nearly 25 years, and I've been putting up with this for years. I have put up with it because I love him. But, even when there's love, how long can a person endure being called names, being falsely accused, and knowing there is such a great lack of trust coming from the other person?

So I ask.... what should I do? When the husband is convinced there is an affair, but he is wrong, what can the wife do? I don't think it's fair that I should have to reassure him, call him every time I'm not on-the-dot, feed into his distrust, and be always on the defensive because of his insecurity.

If my husband was worried about what I was doing when we were apart, I would make my life so transparent and so affair proof that he wouldn't worry. For example, I would always account for my time, eliminate opposite sex friendships, give him full access to my cell phone and computer. I would make my life so open and transparent that it would be impossible to have an affair. I would do everything in my power to alleviate his fears. I would knock myself to PROVE I was faithful so he could relax.

That would be my suggestion to you.

A lack of trust is appropriate in marriage. But name calling and accusations are NOT.

Have you ever had an affair before? Do you have friendships with the opposite sex? Do you flirt with men?

Uh-huh. I have done that. Although I find it offensive that I should be told with whom I can be friends, I don't have friends of the opposite sex. I can't control what sex my coworkers and co-students are. He knows my cell password, computer, etc. I don't have any secrets. But he insists that I do. There is nothing left for me to "reveal". The minute I stay a little late to finish up work (really, only about 30 minutes) or if I have meetings after work that I must attend and it seems like I'm getting home a lot (and I tell him everything I am doing) the accusations start up again. He tracks me via my cell phone. I am reaching a point where I am very tired of being accused and having to defend myself against something I did not do and that is all in his imagination.

For the record, I don't question him. He can have friends of any sex and I trust that he is faithful. Until recently he worked in a place that was about 75% female employees and not once did I think he was cheating nor did I accuse him of such. When I point these out, his answer is that it would feel nice for me to be suspicious because then he would feel like I care. It's insane.

Well, you are an adult so no one can tell you with whom you can be friends. That is a choice you freely make. And people who are serious about affair proofing their marriages don't have friends of the opposite sex.

What could you do that would help him relax? What steps would he like you to take that would make him feel protected?

With whom does he think you are having an affair?

Hello Sorcha,

You mentioned that this site was bookmarked on your computer.

Are you and your husband doing the Marriage Builders Program?

If so, you know about meeting Emotional Needs, Love Busters and spending at least 15+ hours a week in undivided time together each week.

Do you know his Emotional Needs and he yours?

God bless.

Jim

Melody: He accuses me of having an affair with just about any guy that I work with. He and I are both students - it's a complicated distance program which requires being out of town for conferences now and then. He was attending one while I stayed home. He thought he overheard another male student saying he was moving to our area - and so I got accused of having an affair with that guy, too. I used to be friends on facebook with a few old male friends and class-reunion acquaintances, but anytime anyone said anything to me it must be because I was having an affair with them, too. So I unfriended all but 1 or 2 (and one of those is gay).

Jim: We spend as much time as possible together. We often shop together for groceries, we go to movies, dinner, etc. I'm not saying there aren't good, peaceful times. But probably an average of once a month I get accused of something I did not do, based on imagination and circumstances I cannot control. As for needs, I try to know what he needs. I know he needs reassurance. I believe his insecurity comes from how he was raised, and so I try to support him when I can. As for my needs, I've told them to him. I've told him I feel smothered and like I need some space. I've told him I need to feel trusted and that a marriage should be based on love AND trust.

I do what I can, but it's never good enough once he starts imagining things. The distrust coming from him is chipping away at our relationship.

**edit**


moderators note: please contact the moderators about multiple aliases, luroosi

allaloneagain: So what are you saying? Are you saying this site believes that I must be hiding something? Or are you saying that I will never be able to change him?

I know this is a support group, and had hoped it would be open-minded. Maybe he might even read this thread and see that I am seeking some sort of insight.

If I can't change him, then what am I to do? Live with it until one of us dies? Or leave?

Sorcha,

Two questions would really help if you could answer them?

Have EITHER of you EVER had an affair?

Are you DOING the program or just picking and choosing a part here and there?

If BOTH of you are doing the program including 15+ hours, the Emotional Needs and avoiding Love Busters it has the potential for ELIMINATING the problems you are having?

Have you BOTH actually filled out the questionaires about EMOTIONAL NEEDS and LOVE BUSTERS?

If so, what are yours and his?

Jim

Sorcha,

The negative response from allaloneagain is meant to distract you from trying to help your marriage. You will note they were asked to contact Marriage Builders moderators. I would ignore it. The people here helped me save my marriage and they can you too.

Jim

Actually, HE had an affair with me. 26 years ago his 5-year marriage was about over. We worked together and I liked him. I would not have gotten together with him if his marriage wasn't over. She had moved out. We were married about a year later. I have NEVER had an affair (unless you want to count when I dated him before his divorce was final). I have not even come close to having one. I honestly do not believe he has had one either. I trust him. It makes me sad that the trust is not reciprocated.

As for the program, today is the first time I've seen it. Reading your site, I can see some things that I've heard him saying so I think he's read some of it. But, what I think is happening is he is suspicious and is only seeing what supports his suspicion. This inlcudes anything he reads the "looks familar" in what he sees in me.

Sorcha,

I think you are a very quick study on why your husband is doing what he is doing...

He thinks history is going to repeat itself even though you mentioned that his previous marriage was "over"...

it was still adultery and your marriage began as an "affairage".

If you could go to the home page where it asks if you are "new here" and begin reading up on where to start and see how Dr.Harley saves marriages I think you will be VERY glad you are here.

Really check into the questionaires about Emotional Needs and Love Busters and you will have taken a great first step in solving the problems you are having in your marriage.

Has your husband posted here yet?

Jim

Sorcha, I agree with Jim that his past probably has alot to do with why he accuses you. His name calling and accusations are a disaster to your marriage. I would start with the book, Lovebusters, and see if he will read it with you. ITs ok to be insecure, it is NOT ok to call you names and make false accusations.

So what you are saying is that it is me who is the problem? I'm sorry if I sound defensive, but that's how it's coming across. If that's what he is thinking, then perhaps I should be suspicious of him. After all, he's the one who cheated while married. But... I do trust him and do not believe he is cheating nor do I believe he would. I believe he is insecure - and if it's based on how he sees the beginning of our marriage, then so be it... it's still insecurity. What I am trying to deal with is being the "punching bag" for his insecurities.

That is what the book Lovebusters will resolve. His reasons for insecurity do not entitle him to use you as a punching bag. I would try to get him on board with this program and that is exactly where I would start. He needs to change his behavior when he does feel insecure.

Will he come here and speak to us? It would be interesting to get his perspective.

Sorcha,

No one is saying you're the problem.

You have a problem in your marriage caused by a lack of respect for marriage as evidenced by you and your husband engaging in a previous affair resulting in your marriage.

Actually you both have reason to be suspicious of each other based simply on that fact.

The solution to the problem is to eliminate the reasons for an affair by making your marriage what you BOTH want it to be!!!

The way you do that is by following the MB program and providing each other the marriage you BOTH always wanted.

People that are in a rewarding, fullfillng marriage have little reasons to criticize their marriage partner.

Marriage Builders will show you BOTH how to provide that to each other.

To be clear, there is NO EXCUSE for your husband's name calling and disrespect. THAT is entirely on him.

Marriage Builders can help him stop that...and you both have the marriage you want.

Jim

Why?

Why do you trust him? You're right...he's the one who had an affair. It's not uncommon for the person who is having an affair to accuse the other spouse of having one. If I were you, I'd check into what HE'S doing.

I do not agree that I have a lack of respect for marriage. Nor do I agree that he lacks respect for it either. He was already in the process of splitting and divorcing when we began dating. Perhaps you could count it as cheating when he had thoughts and fantasies before the split, but until the split that's all there was - no actions. I know you'll say I'm in denial on this, but so be it.

He is basically a very suspicious and judgmental person. He used to be a police officer, and those "qualities" did him well in that job. So well, in fact, that he thinks he is right when he suspects anyone else - including me. I've been reading the Needs and Busters links on this site. I can see where I've made mistakes. I will not deny that. But looking at the Love Busters list, I am very sad to say that there are many things on that list that I feel are coming from him. I will show him the links and see what he says. I'm willing to try just about anything.

But he and I have talked about almost everything on those links. He has agreed that he needs to trust me more. He has agreed that he needs to work on his temper and outbursts. But then, a few weeks go by and it all happens again. After 25 years of this cycle I don't know that filling out a survey will resolve anything. I have come to believe that his behavior is ingrained in him. He believes what he says when he tells me he's sorry. But before long he forgets all of that and I find myself once again being accused, called names, etc. His outbursts of rage can be very frightening.

I do appreciate the help, insight and support. I am still struggling with how far and how long I can keep putting up with defending myself against accusations. I deserve better and don't want to live my life under unfounded suspicion.