I also wanted my FWH to just go boink a ho again and leave me! put me out of my misery! (I also, normaly, have a very logical brain)


amen!



Chick, I use this ALL the time, even now. This is very helpful when I feel myself going into "negative brain territory"



It will take time to clean the mess up. I would periodically go to FWH's office, go through emails from many years ago and occasionaly find one or two from a ho. It would set me off terribly. They are all gone now. It takes time. Like 51C say's, he has been in a secret life a very long time, it will take time to clean it up.


I wouldn't want the M I had pre A. Our marriage now is like never before, and I find it hard to believe there is a man out there with the boundries and O&H that my "new H" has. That is why I stay. (of course there are other reason's as well)

Maybe a few days away would help. Can you take a long weekend somewhere?

The first year is very difficult. ((chick))

i dont know what i need from him to get me out of this funk. or just to get thru it.

he is tip toeing around me, think he is afraid of my sadness. i dont think that is helping this, i know he is giving me space to heal.

we just got back from a trip so thats not going to happen this month.

what a waste of days this has been. i am very logical, thats why this is hard. I am also the one who fixes things and moves forward and i am unable at this time to do either.

Presence. He needs to give you his presence. Shrinking from your pain and anger isn't going to help.

Not words, not gifts, not walking on egg shells; standing WITH you in the midst of your doldrums.

If he is to say anything, it should be as Pep has advised many others; "What can I do for you today?"

ok he is present and has been for the past few day, but i can sense that he is tiptoeing and that makes me a bit crazy.

its hard to explain, H is here, but not...

"what can i do for you today"- i dont know???

I have a some serious questions for you. Reflect on these questions, they're not ones you must answer on the forum.

Why do you still want to save this marriage?

Why do you stay in this town where everything is a trigger?

Why stay in his job when everything associated with it is a trigger? If he keeps the job, he OWES the employer what he's paid for!

i dont have to think very hard on the first 2, i just have to think how to write it, so i will think on that.

this first one is probably where my funk comes from. maybe writing it our will help gain clarity for me....


what do you mean by owes his employer whats hes paid for? I dont understand this sorry?

i am going out today to buy shoes, something that i hate, yes a girl that hates to buy shoes- but you need them.

He was hired to do a particular job. His pay was based on his ability to perform that job. He owes his employer a fair performance if he expects to be paid for his services. If I understand your previous posts, he has scaled back on certain parts of his job..... Either you will suffer because of triggers or his employer will suffer because of performance.... Why keep the job?? What is the payoff??

Why do you still want to save this marriage?

Hence my dilemma I think�. My logical mind says what are you crazy he has been unfaithful to you for a long time. He has exposed me to god knows what risking my life. He carried on a life of lies, lies and more lies, invented a new character- who is that person? Not the character he created the person that fully is aware of the harm and risk he is causing but will continue to do so. How will I ever get over all of the lies, what�s a lie what�s not? How can I move past this and look at him with new eyes. This is tough

I do love him, I have always loved him. and if we move on I will still love him.

We have been together for 24 years and have seen thru a lot together. He knows me better than anyone ever will.

I do not like his actions; I don�t like what he did to me and to himself. The person that did that, I don�t like, but I have all the EP in place that I will know if that person comes back.
I will win. And one OW in particular will not. He will have to have the balls enough to say I am done this time.

I know I would be fine on my own, but I would be sad and heartbroken.

I do think I am a bit unique- no children and I am not financial dependent on him. So you would think why in the heck would she hang with a serial cheater? Love I guess.

I also think that the circumstances around his cheating help me in dealing with this- he was not emotionally involved. And though he trickle truth me for too long- he knew on day one it was all or nothing for me, meaning this was his last chance. He knows that about me, if only I caught him sooner.

Do I think I could find someone else, sure, but what kind a crap would they be dragging with them, I have been there done that, and it�s like the devil you know or the devil you don�t.

So here is my dilemma � heartbroken without him or live with the crap from the past, and try to get over it- not an easy decision to make both are not great.


Why do you stay in this town where everything is a trigger?

The city where we live is not a trigger, he didn�t bring anyone here or none of the floozies were from around here.
I guess I should list out my triggers- but it could be anything me buying a Christmas tree, I did that alone last year and for the past x years. Taking it out was also my job. Not pulling something off your calendar, idiot. I can accept triggers that are out of H control (hard yes and I will deal with them) anything in his control I cannot accept.

Triggers also are things like �yeah, where was he when I had his parents over for dinner.�

I actually feel safe in this town and in my home. Probably the only place. See I don�t have names and faces it could be the lady at the check-out counter probably not, but it could.

A lot of the OW were bar pickups in NY so the biggest city in the world will be a place I cannot go at this time.

Yes I do have the risk of the bunny burner showing up, she found out my info when she was snooping bc he was probably ignoring her.

And Baby moma, but she will always be able to find us�



Why stay in his job when everything associated with it is a trigger? If he keeps the job, he OWES the employer what he's paid for!

He has eliminated all outside of work functions so that helps and he may lose his job bc of it, we understand that, he understands that that would be bc he covered his 2nd life with work. I have complete assess to phone, work computer, email� there is no overnight travel. He calls me before he goes into meeting and on his way back.

I guess its also the devil you know theory, in his industy it a boys world and the have tools so they behave like children, and they all have to see who has the bigger set of tools. So yes he would have change his career but I don�t know of anything that he would be fulfilled at. We are exploring another option on his own, but it still in the same field. It almost better that he is accountable.

Just thought I would start on this as it may help me get thru this down time, I am sure that there is more and it will figure out how to write it, just wanted to jot a few notes down.

Sometime I feel a bit inadequate posting here, so many others are so eloquent in their writing and I am not, by brain and my mouth work much faster than my fingers.

ps. the things that he scaled back on are that instead of going to every outside event for joe smo from 6 to 11pm- he is not. i guess they can say that falls under "other duties as necessary", but 3 to 4 night a week was being taken advantage of- other guys with children at home were not asked to go out partying with a client 4x a week.

the job should not require a person to go out partying that much- if he were in AA, they would not send him out. He did it beacuse he could and i trusted him, he doesnt have that luxury anymore and they took advantage of it.

yes its a way to make job contacts, but there are also other ways. and how many contacts can you make when you are golfing with 3 guys. or drinking 5 scotches.

so if they fire him, that would be the reason.

sorry so long.

Sometimes I would just tell W... "just hold me. Don't talk, just hold."

Never told NGB anything... she just refused to go away and leave me the #$%^#$%^ alone!

>.<

Love it!

hes still hanging on and being very sweet, saying corny things, trying to fill my LB. i dont want him to get the $^$$%^ away so much anymore, so thats good.

i am much better than i was last week that for sure, I am just very cautious, waiting for the next bus. i know i cannot keep doing this to myself, its all me. i will work it out of my head, almost there.

hosting a christmas party for collegues tonight so that should be fun, little bit triggerd bc last year we danced at the end of the party and he was very emotional, should have looked deeper.

hpb/tst- comments on my post? like to hear your thoughts.

Glad you're doing better!

Chickadee,
Do you remember how I prefaced my questions?



I hope your answers helped YOU!

Think about it in terms of the Love Bank model. Sounds like he's moved from a negative balance into a positive balance. It's still possible for him to do things to drive that account balance negative, so be sure to let him know how well he's doing!

He probably won't move into Romantic Love territory for a while yet. Who knows what the threshold is? Neither one of you know until the day he crosses it, and then he may cross into and out of the threshold with some regularity until the balance is so overwhelming that you are attracted to him 24/7.

Good progress. The thresholds for like/dislike and love/not-love exist, but you never know where they are until you hit them; when you are in one zone, it's often hard to imagine feeling any other way. Keep up the good work!

thank you DNM! that was a reassuring post.

and always HPB- thanks-- writing it did help.

ok i have no idea what to do about christmas.

last year he was full into his A with bunnie burner and then he went on a trip to see dss (very far away- day after christmas thu New years)- that was bad i should have said i didnt want him to go- oh yeah i did say that....

so for christmas he did go all out and bought me clothes and lingerie (guilt- i see now), come to find out from the infamous letter, that it was what she wore and he liked... puke..... I threw them out as soon as i found out.

so christmas presents are big trigger for me now.

I used to always get him something special, but i have no, no no idea what to do for gifts, i actually dont think i even want to get him anything, i wouldnt know what to give him, dont think i want anything, blah blah. very confused on what to do with this holiday in general.

his family is coming over (its our holiday) so this should be fun, they are still blood is thicker attitude (golden boy,must be her fault, ignore it it will go away irish catholics types). which just fully just pisses me off. with only a brother left, i have no allies for dinner. asked an aunt to join us, got no response, she doesnt know how to react to H.


on a bit of an island of my own here.

This is your first Christmas after DDay, it will be tough. I was in the same boat last year, my final/Big DDAY was days before Christmas 09, so I don't even remember that one...only that I wanted to KILL my H!! (we need an icon with an axe)

So, last Christmas was really my "first" full Christmas experience.

I do remember thinking back on the Christmas (08) when he was actively in LaLa-land and did'nt buy me ANYTHING! We all sat around the tree opeingin gifts....except me.

So, last year we really played it casual, I did'nt feel like buying him anything "cheesy, or that had a lot of thought in it" I couldn't even tell you what we got each other.... It was more about just being together, with the kids and knowing it was "just us" for the first time in a long time.

Don't stress about it. Try to make it just another day, I know how hard that is to do. Next year will be better and you can slowly put more thought and emotion into the holidays.

Maybe go out on a date and exchange a "gag gift" that would lighten the moment and not put any stress on you.

That's a good idea, time for a new tradition.

Maybe you could get him a Chia pet and pretend that it's a serious gift...

yes!! this could be fun!

....or go to Goodwill and get a really ugly/outdated desk accessary, and add a new one each year!

He can think of you and laugh everytime he goes to work....of course laugh in a good way.