I am seeing a lot of people that seem to be stuck in their recovery with past thoughts and the horrible images and nightmares we all had...

I went through the same thing...

and still do occasionally when a trigger comes along.

Doing the MB program provides the ENVIORNMENT to heal...

But it's kinda like the old joke about how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...but the light bulb has got to want to be changed.

There is a payoff emotionally for hanging onto some of the old stuff...

It's a protective mechanism to protect us from being hurt again.

But...

Once we start recovery and have made the DECISION to stay...

That part is on us.

The ONE thing that helped me most in recovery was to ask myself

WHO MRS.FLINT IS TODAY.

NOT who she was when the affair with my own brother was going on...

WHO SHE IS TODAY.

The wonderful, beautiful, loving snugglebug W, cowgirl and Mother who I am in love with today.

God bless.

Jim

That's the only way I've been able to get through recovery, except, of course, that I think of my FWH. I can easily get mired in the horrible past, but I have to force my brain to think of how my FWH is acting today, this past year since his commitment to our recovery. For a whole year, he's really been a pretty terrific person.

Given more time, like another year or so, I might really start believing it....

It has been my observation that when people get stuck it is often because they have no plan for recovery. They are just winging it. I see this time and time again.

Unless they transform their marriages into a much better marriage than before the affair, they are WORSE OFF.

The idea is to replace those bad feelings with a happy, passionate marriage. Very few will bother to do that and they then wonder why they are miserable and "stuck" in the past.

An affair causes a huge gaping HOLE in marriages. It has to be filled with something. It can be filled with a romantic, passionate, fulfilling marriage or it can be filled with bitterness and resentment.

MelodyLane and other seasoned MBs who would share with me your thoughts,

It's been 4th week since the D Day. I am still stuck way back in the first week, or sometime even 1st day. WH has strong desire to change, but I don't think we both know where to start. I am still resentful, and when I bring up the affair (which he already fully disclosed, I don't believe there is any more hidden info), he became at time defensive at various things (like I told him it's a 50 /50 event, don't blame the OW for her hitting on him hard or seducing him). He is frustrated when I told him I did not believe that he loves me, that all wayward spouses use pretty much the same lines he does.

He wants to more forward and tries his best to please me and help me to move forward, but I told him it will be on my term when and how to move forward.

Do you think it's time for me to start dropping some of the stuff in the past and look forward to the future. How long do we stay at the affair event before moving forward?

In SAA, DR Harley says that you have to live in the present and future and start meeting each other's most important emotional needs. I'm sure that's only part of it, but the WS doesn't get to pick the terms of recovery.

Exactly GJM. minjo, you are not yet in recovery according to what you have posted. Your WH still sounds wayward. You are missing several steps. Please go to your thread and update us so we know what steps you and WH have taken.

Keep reading, keep learning, keep posting. I am 5 months out from D Day and am striving for personal recovery if WH is not going to step up and meet my requirements. I am still learning and have a long way to go. Call me slow, but it is the journey, not the arrival that matters

minjo, you will be resentful for a very long time. And it will get worse before the first year is up. But you will overcome that if you stop talking about it and focus on a plan of recovery. And having no plan is a plan to fail. GEt the books Surviving an Affair and Five Steps to Romantic Love and start doing the lessons. Use this program to transform your marriage. If you do that, your resentment will fade and the love will grow in your marriage. It really does work, but it won't happen by accident.

Hello LWFH,

They say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...

Which means the more CURRENT MB behavior of following the plan your FWH has to his credit...

The better chance his FUTURE behavior has of being a faithful, loving husband using the MB methods...

And of YOU believing it...

And in him.

Which is exactly what I found for myself and Mrs.Flint.

EVERY DAY of seeing positive MB behavior made it EASIER to believe it could be true.

I think you will find the same to be true.

One point that I think REALLY needs to be remembered to be successful is this...

The Marriage Builders Program is meant to be a LIFESTYLE change...

Just like a successful DIET is...

Not simply remembering this step or this step...

It's the WHOLE program...

Not simply the steps that are EASY or require very little effort...

ALL of them.

God bless.

Jim

in my opinion it also helps if both are on board with the MB concepts.

below is my example

I am following MB and trying to the best of my knowledge and ability to meet my wifes needs, i have asked several different times for my wife to start her own thread on here to no avail.

i have printed off the emotional needs questionaires and filled mine out and let her read them hers is still sitting on her night stand once a week i move it to the top of her stack of books on her night stand but it never gets filled out.

things are better than they were before her affair but i do believe if she was actually on board with MB we would be alot farther into recovery after 8 months since dday.

she does respond to MB principles and agrees with them i just cant get her on here or to take an active role in the plan its like i am dragging her along.

which is the main reason i havent started my own thread in the recovery section in my mind until she does start taking an active role i dont feel we are in recovery yet.

thats my 2 cents from my perspective.

Rouge, having both on board is the *ONLY* way to recover. Most marriages do not recover. If there is no plan to recover, the marriage does not recover by accident. And sadly, many believe that just staying married is the definition of success. Rather they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnernable after the affair than before. It is a death of a thousand cuts. This is why it is imperative that both are actively engaged in recovery.

There is a very narrow path to recovery. Most are not WILLING.

here

For me, it was a matter of "me". I had to get my eyes off of "poor ole CV" (still do on occasion) and get my eyes on God.

Otherwise I obsess over what was, what should've been, etc... Not what is and what will be.

CV

minjo, has your WH answered all of your questions about the A to your satisfaction? It sounds to me like he has not. I would suggest that the two of you sit down and get all that out in one big truth dump. Every gritty detail you want to hear. Until that happens I fear you will continue to resent him. It sounds like he just wants you to forgive and forget without his having to deal with any discomfort.

Rouge1, any progress? I'm in a similar place, but we're just out of the gate. Barely able to say that we're through withdrawal. But it's very frustrating when one side is ready to go forward and the other is resisting. And of course the days pass like years.

Lostexpat,

One of the great things about starting the MB program is that in the BEGINNING both partners do not need to be on board with the program.

You can START doing the steps even without full cooperation of your partner.

In the beginning Mrs.Flint wanted NOTHING to do with the program but as the benefits to HER became evident she began to come around.

One thing that IS difficult however is not to become DISCOURAGED at the onset with the lack of participation of your spouse in the early steps.

For a betrayed spouse to have to give without getting seems awfully unfair... (Giver and taker).

If you think of it kind of like a new diet and that it is a LIFESTYLE change and not an immediate fix it seems to help.

As with a new diet the changes are not immediate but gradual in nature...

and if it is in fact a LIFESTYLE change...

they will create a happy, fullfilling marriage for both.

God bless.

Jim

Confidence that I'm worth fidelity and kindness was my first step.

Second was my rescuing "give-a-damn" broke.

Third - I was willing to stay AWAY from WS until I was sure we were ready for recovery.

That's what I see missing from those who can't execute a proper Plan A/Plan B. Worrying about what the wayward will do if you do xyz never works. They need to be the one worrying. Not the betrayed.

So no apologies for exposure - that's where confidence that you are worth having a faithful spouse or you can do fine by yourself is the number one distinguishing factor defining the difference between failure and success and personal and/or marital recovery.

Be your very best in Plan A. It's to reassure you that you are worth every bit of value the marriage has to offer.

Then remove yourself from the drama via Plan B. Again - the give-a-damm has to be busted - for you there is no going back to the old marriage, EVER. You don't want that back. It's busted, broken and you've moved on. If the wayward wants to do what it takes to recover, fine. You'll show up. But you will never over-invest in that place again!

Lostexpat

nothing new to report and i am under no illusions about this happenening over night.

we have POJA a few things and i am being very patient with her and using MB which is working the only thing that troubles me is the emotional needs questionaire i know the typical needs from reading on here and she does respond to me making sure i fill those needs just wish i knew for sure if there was any i am missing.

Rouge1,

Has your W actually filled out her questionaire on HER emotional needs or are you trying to fill the needs most stated by most W's?

If you do not know HER specific needs they will not be effective...

Kind of like giving her apples when she is wanting oranges...

Mrs.Flint is a cowgirl and LOVES horses...

If I had bought her a new living room set instead of the beautiful Appaloosa mare she had been swooning over...

It would have been ME sleeping in the barn...

It met several needs for her i.e. affection, communication and recreational companionship and spending 15+ hours riding with her...

Every minute with HER sitting in the saddle loving it and thinking about US.

Identify the needs you have SEEN her wanting and talking about and maybe ones she has mentioned needing from you to her friends and family.

Combine meeting emotional needs, reducing love busters, adding recreational companionship, communication and 15+ hours undivided attention and you have a great start toward healing your marriage.

God bless.

Jim

no she hasnt filled out her questionaire.

we do communicate and i have eliminated LBs

most weeks we get in at least 15 hrs UA time, on the weeks where its just not possible i can tell an imediate difference.

im still on the roller coaster good days and bad days.

im just at a loss when it comes to her exact emotional needs i think i am meeting them all but i dont know for sure.

Rouge1,

WHY has she not filled out her questionaire on her Emotional Needs?

Does she refuse to participate in the MB program?

Jim

I know that for Mrs.Flint the thing that helped HER the most was coming to the realization that it was the need for OUTSIDE VALIDATION that was the root cause for her affair with my brother.

She even stated that they comisserated on how they were the black sheep of the family and UNDERSTOOD each other.

When she confessed to the family and began participating in the MB program you could see a change in her BECAUSE she was doing the things that people admire and respect people for doing...

Not because someone was telling her that her misbehavior was OK and that she was ENTITLED to have those feelings no matter who she harmed or how badly she behaved.

Some have used the phrase SELF ESTEEM but SELF RESPECT is a MUCH more accurate term.

She now knows that it is important for her to behave in ways that SHE can respect and admire that result in her feelings of satisfaction in her life...

NOT the OM's lies, false compliments and manipulation to get what he wants from her.

Pepperband's excellent post to Rottenlady summed it up very well when she told her that she had gotten into the PICKLE she was in when she sought OUTSIDE VALIDATION from the OM...

insteading of behaving in a way SHE HERSELF could respect and admire.

For Mrs.Flint using the MB program enabled her to start to feel good about HERSELF...

Which is required before you can feel good about anyone else.

God bless.

Jim