Sorcha, do you have children together? Does either of you have children from other relationships?

Did the two of you know each other BEFORE his marriage "split?"

Have you read around on this site to see what it can offer you and your marriage?

Overnights without the other spouse is a big no no.

Opposite sex friendships is also a big no no.

DrH says that no spouse should blindly trust the other.

When someone is having an affair, they often gaslight the other spouse by turning it around on them, telling them that they are insecure and jealous. It generally works because that spouse DOES feel insecure and jealous. I am NOT saying that you are having an affair, I am just trying to explain why your husband may think that.

It is wrong for him to call you names or LB you in any way.

I agree. His behaviour is very suspicious if you have made yourself as open as you say.

He has already said that if you were to snoop it would make him feel cared for, so take him at his word. Only do it without his knowledge.

If you find something fishy, you will know why he is obessed with affairs.

If you find everything ok, or just some small things, white lies, or maybe you will find a reason why he is stressed.

In that case you can tell him you took it heart when he told you to take more interest and say you found x, y and z. Do it in a calm, loving way - show him how you want him to behave

Tell him he is free to snoop on you and bring things up with you in a calm loving way - but that it is not ok to name call and accuse.

It should be ok to discuss whatever he feels insecure about - but discussion, not accusation

Sorcha what do you mean by actions? Was there any DISCUSSION of your feelings for each other before the spilt?

How else would you know there were 'thoughts and fantasies before the split?' How could there be if you two had proper boundaries around each other?

If there was a discussion, or flirting then there might be your answer. He is afraid that you might not 'act' with other men but you might talk about it, which is what he did.

So for example if you were to say you would never 'do' anything with another man, that might not be reassuring enough because tehre are alterntives to 'doing' such as 'fantasising'....

We have 3 adult children: one from his previous marriage (who is handicapped and we have custody - I consider him as my own), and 2 between us.

I don't consider my trust in him "blind". "Complete" would be a better word.

Overnighters apart sometimes can't be helped. He was required to attend a conference. I could not afford to take the days off from work. In our 25 years of marriage, we have had less than 5 times that we've been on a trip apart.

I don't want to start investigating him. To me, that is saying that I don't trust him. I don't want to be that person, and if I was to check up on him it would be disingenuous to myself. I have told him I have no problem with him asking what I am doing, but not accusing me. I also ask that when I give him an explanation, that he trust and believe me. Instead, it works more like I tell him, he doesn't believe me, I say I can't tell more because there is no more to tell, then I get accused of being secretive and doing who-knows-what. I am weary off the cycle and of defending myself against unfounded accusations when I am trying to be open and honest.

He can't come to the computer now. But I am going to show him the links on this site. I know he's been to the site before, so it should be familiar. I think, though, that people take away according to what they were looking for. If he was looking for support to prove my infidelity, then he didn't see the love busters. On the other hand, I do understand that I may be seeing the LB through my own eyes and his answers will most likely be very different from mine.

Why don't you SHOW him your thread and ask him to come and talk with us? If he is unwilling to talk with us, then invite him to at least read here. And YOU continue posting. I sense a great defensive posture coming from you, and I'm not sure why.

On the contrary, you have said quite clearly you do trust him.

Which is great because investigating is not the same as a lack of trust.

When I check my bank account, it is not because I mistrust the bank. I think they do their best, I think they are good at what they do or I wouldnt bank with them. I am just aware that even the best make mistakes. Some mistakes are small and meaningless, others not so small.

I see it as my responsibility to take an interest in my bank account. If they make a mistake, which goes unchecked by me, it is as much my fault. It is lazy to say 'Oh I trust them'.

Your husband has ASKED you to step up, show more interest, take more responsibility.

This does not mean you expect to find bad stuff, it does not mean you distrust him.

It just shows care on your part. Perhaps you may even find some 'small' mistakes which can be tweaked for the benefit of your marriage. Even if not will he know you dont take him for granted. That you dont see his life as purely his responsibility - its both of yours. And if some big mistakes DO happen (Show me one person who goes a whole lifetime without lying to their spouse even once or making some kind of big mistake somewhere) you will handle it lovingly and with care for him before it gets out of hand.

When a spouse is always acusing the other spouse of being wayward has been because they are having an affair themselves. I've seen this too many times.

It took you quite a few posts for you to tell us your H divorced 1st wife. Do you know why? I suspect H was cheating then. There are many cop groupies out there. I'd call and ask wife #1 if she felt/knew H was cheating back then.

H has been living with the fear all these years because you cheated with a married man. They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

Yes you had an affair. Your H was still married while you dated him.

Kirby: Why do I trust him? Because I do. I am not by nature a suspicious person. But in addition to that, I love and respect him enough that I put my trust in him and believe in him.

indiegirl: Sorry. Checking up on my bank is not the same as checking up on my spouse. One is a greedy corporation with a history of cheating customers whenever legally possible. The other is a person whom I love and respect.

TheRoad: I didn't mention that he had been previously married because I didn't consider it as an important factor. After this discussion, I realize there may be something to that.

And to whoever said it: I don't agree that overnighters apart are a no-no. My parents were married over 50 years. Every summer he took a motorcycle ride alone for a month. She traveled to Europe alone. No problems there. I guess I was just raised to believe that you should be able to trust the person to whom you are married. Apparently, you believe that there is no such thing as a married person 50 miles from home.

My question was (paraphrased) "what should a wife do when the husband accuses her of having an affair, and he's wrong?" I saw threads about recovering from an affair, spying on a spouse, and so on. I didn't see anything about what to do when you're the one being falsely accused. I see so much suspicion and assumptions here, it's no wonder my husband was finding support for his distrust and suspicions when he visited this site. That sure wasn't very fair to me.

If he wants to see it, I will share my thread here with him. But I think I also want to talk with him about the type of support here that I've seen that could potentially negatively impact a relationship and the building of trust between a couple. I am wondering how much he read here and how much that had an effect on his treatment of me.

I will say that the Love Busters and Needs Questionnaire are interesting and may prove helpful. Other than that, I have to say that most of the responses and "advice" supported being suspicious and distrustful. Not much help for a person who is being falsely accused and is looking for a solution and way to get the accusations to stop.

What is your answer to this question? I think it has a lot to do with the issue of trust in your marriage.

He already knows how easy it is to act in a dishonest way and to hide things from your spouse that should not have been.

While you may not "agree" about overnight separations, the founder of this site, a clinical psychologist who has been saving marriages since the 1970's has noted that overnight separations tend to be destructive to happy, romantic marriages. While the personal anecdote you provide about your parents is fantastic, realize that their marriage would be the exception, not the rule in this regard.

Were they a second marriage as well? Or a singular marriage that lasted a lifetime? Statistically, second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages. Why? Because people have already taught themselves how to run away from working on the problems in their marriage through divorce.

So, let's ask you this; are you looking for an excuse to run, or would you like to learn about a program with a proven track record for saving marriages?

That's up to you.

Uh-huh. I just trusted my H, too. And I'm a pretty suspicious person by nature. He sure managed to sneak the A past me, though. Because I trusted him.

...who is upset because you check your bank account more than you check on him. I see.

No problems there, that you know of.

You know what my advice would be? Divorce him. It's obvious after 25 years that you have both accepted roles that are unhealthy for you and have chosen not to change. You've argued every concept that is here, and have announced that it wouldn't be acceptable to your husband, either. So you've answered your own question. You appear to be more interested in arguing with the posters here than addressing the issues in your marriage.

So divorce him and end your headache.

Does this mean you are going to get H's XW story on the why's of the end of their marriage?

As to when there has been an affair. No more over nights. The WS is like kid in a candy store. Or a man being offered free pizza and beer. The WS can't resist the temptation.

To make sure there are no affairs there needs to be no overnighters alone.

As to your parents. They may of behaved and they may of..... They may of had an agreement between them that they did not share with you or any one else. A secret they will take to their grave. Sort of a don't ask don't tell. ON's were ok, no emotional attachments.

Why suspicious?

Not just on here but in real life I seen spouse's go on separate vacations and a short time later they're getting a divorce.

So if you read this far I'm not saying your parents did anything they should not have. I just saying what past history has shown to many times, and this does not imply most times or any set percentage.

Exactly. Still amazes me people come here asking for help and than argue with the ones trying to help. With her attitude its no wonder her husband is suspicious.

Your disagreement comes from ignorance, though. Traveling jobs, separate vacations, etc are invitations for affairs. We see them on this forum every week. Spending the nights apart are an invitation to affairs. Divorces and adultery are epidemic in traveling jobs. When you consider that 50% of marriages are hit with an affair, spending nights apart is just a foolish risk. Why subject your marriage to that for no good reason.

The bottom line is that you shouldn't "trust" your spouse when they engage in risky behavior. That is like saying you trust me to go drunk driving. Sorry, that is just foolish.

And yes, your parents might have avoided affairs. [as far as you know] I also know people who played Russian Roulette who lived to tell the story. Doesn't mean its smart to tell others to play RR.


I agree its not fair. But he didn't get the idea to make false accusations here, because we advise AGAINST THAT. We tell people to snoop and to accuse with evidence. No evidence, no accusation.

In your husbands case, we would have told him to snoop like a bloodhound if he has suspcions. He will either find something or he will alleviate his suspicions. Both good outcomes!

**edit**

Sorcha, after all, means freedom, right?

I hope that you don't speak to your husband the way you speak to us. It'd make me think something was up too. That aside... Did you want help, or something else?

CV

You are miserable Sorcha. So is your husband. If you weren't you wouldn't be here.

Do you want to learn how to have a "not miserable" marriage?

Or do you just want to act like a self righteous know it all?

I'm betting your husband does have something to worry about. Your attitude here proves it.

Please send your husband here. He needs to know how to deal with your attitude and secrecy.

Sorsha, do NOT attempt to gaslight this board. It WILL NOT work!



I doubt it is an accident that you also just happen to disagree with other principles such as giving up your opposite sex friendships and overnights apart...and that you met your H while he was still married...