no, she doesn't know I'm on here, and I doubt she's on here.

What an odd comment.

I'm not sure what's odd about it, but I'll explain what I meant by it.... I was hoping it would go more along the lines of what you guys told me. I would get the word out to OM ex, my kids, MIL, etc and they would all get to her and it would be this overwhelming experience for her. But for me it ended up being something I told my kids in the middle of the night and then only one of my kids confronted her. The others I think are waiting until they see her in person and her own Mom is affraid of confrontation so much that she won't even talk to her own daughter about something she feels is wrong. And OM ex is so done with him she doesn't evne want to be involved. I thought she might be upset that I didn't tell her four months ago, but I think she's just upset that I told her.

Hope theat helped explain what I meant

You neither pressure nor do you assume !!!!!!


No "pressure". Just state the facts.

"Honey, these are the facts. You have 2 choices.:

1. You may live in this home if you end your adultery forever.
2. You may continue your adultery, but not while you live in this home.
3. Those are your choices."

DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING in your WW's favor.
You must monitor her so you know the facts.
AKA .... surveillance of her conversations. Her whereabouts. Her computer/phone/text activity.
Key-logger
GPS
etc

You must not assume.

There's no way to predict the aftermath of exposure except that the wayward gets mad and threatens to leave, etc.

YOU DID IT!!

No everyone is willing and able to support you her by calling up your wife, etc. They know though and this was a big step for you.

Keep the pressure on.

Thanks Pepper and zibbles! If I let her know I know she called him, do I risk them taking it underground? Just curious about the early days after exposure and in this case her saying the affair is over. Is there typically some contact at first? Just not sure what to do at this point. Also, do I not talk about it. She is fine if we just go on with things, but she does NOT want to talk about the affair. Again, is that normal since she just ended it and now she is in between fantasy and reality?

Inform WW of the facts:

Honey, I require you to write down every place you and OM visited. Movies. Restaurants. Places you drove to. I need every piece of the puzzle. Every place you and OM had sex. Every gift exchanged.
Additionally, I require all your passwords to every account you have. Including your phone.
For the first two weeks, and periodically thereafter, I will carry your cell phone with me at any time of my choosing and without warning.

Is there GPS on her vehicle?

Great Job on exposure! Keep the pressure on ... but keep doing PLAN A.

I knew you could do it.

She is not contrite. She is taking it underground and has no plans to cut him off. Get your surveillance in place and be firm. Tell her what you need to stay married to her. No more hoping she will snap out of it. She is wayward and is not to be trusted.

If i were you, I'd be taking exposure to a much greater level. Don't drag it out. Strike while the iron is hot. She needs all eyes on her.

Expose to everyone on your Christmas card list.

Did you NAME the OM to everyone?

Giraffe, you did great!!! Now the hard work begins. You have to lead your marriage out of the ditch. Most marriages don't recover from affairs. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and eventually divorce. In your case, I suspect your wife has just gone further underground so I would step up the spying. Put a GPS on her car, spyware on her phone, etc. I would strongly suggest you EXCHANGE phones with her for now to ensure the OM does not get through.

I would also tell her right away that all your sons, her mother, the OM's ex-wife all know about the affair. I would suggest you expose the affair to the OM's parents and family members also. Here is my post from the exposure thread about what has to happen next.

Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

EGG ZAK LEE

Please G6 .... let's not hear any "Yes but" excuses.

Fantastic news. How about suggesting your WW is named in the divorce and hauled up in court to explain herself? Just an idea. You might also want to mention the possibility to your WW.

If the OM is reluctant to divorce, hearing about how mad she is about the A could have a big effect there.

I am really proud of you - true courage means overcoming something you feel fear of.

I think your son did a great job confronting her too. The rest are prob saving it up for when they see her so as to have the greatest effect.

Now - what about you? Now is the time to usher in the age of James Bond! You have shown you are fearless and insist on being treated well.

Give her a preview of how life could be if she sticks around - you firm, fighting for the M, looking good and being the family man.

All the while tell her it is going to get taken away if hse doenst snap to it.

Give her the conditions and tell her there is no other way. Dont even talk to her about it. Just tell her its her decision and do your thing.

I did.

I will let the people more experienced at recovery, like everyone but me take it from here.

The last thing I will reiterate to you is one of the few things I did right.

Never back away, apologize, even hint that exposure was a mistake, because it was not. Own it like the game-changer it is. You have done an honorable thing, do not let her anger and shame start making you think it is your shame.

Finally standing up for my marriage was the most honorable thing I ever did. You are now empowered to try and save it. Like the others have said, it is hard work. It's not for a coward, not for someone that will shrink away when the difficulties come.

You have shown you can do it. I'll bet it feels pretty good. There is a long way to go, I hope you haven't let it go too far. I think I had and I was doomed. Only time will tell. But you have finally done something positive, the first step. And every trip starts there. Give it you best, be the savior of your marriage.

Good job G6. You did it !

After my BH exposed, he put monitors in place that I knew not of. He GPS'd me. He put in a keylogger. He had a voice recorder in my car. This went on for a few months before I knew about it, and it helped him feel safe when I came up "clean".

He has all my passwords, and access to all my information. He can go through my purse. He checks my phone. He reads my email. I never know when he has the GPS on the car or when he will show up someplace to check my whereabouts. And you know what ? I'm glad. It helps him feel safe.

We are talking a little less about the affair, but at first it was all we talked about. I answered his questions and if he needed more info, I gave it to him. That helped him process the trauma. I hope that your wife will do that for you too. You deserve that !!

Good for you G6.