I have never declined communication, just direct communication.

Also, hype, didn't you say you divorced quickly and pursued more custody afterwards? I'm not sure comparing our situations is justified.

Also, the GAL told me more time is difficult due to my working 2 jobs, which I NEED. I cannot survive right now without them.

Play the game until custody is secure.

If the GAL wants you to have nightly Monopoly marathons with the WW, then you have nightly Monopoly marathons with the WW.

You show a willingness to do what you need to do to secure your rights as a father and more importantly to secure your DD's rights to have you in her life.

Htlds, I know that you are a true advocate for father's rights. I want to point something out here though. I don't think mark would actually get any extra time with his DD. He would have her in his custody, but she would be in daycare. That is prob the single biggest problem with his getting custody right now.

Him communicating with his WW isn't going to help him get more custody ATM. He has bigger barriers. This is about the PO. I agree that he should be ticked at his attorney for not getting the PO dropped in the first place and then asking him to have DIRECT communications with his WW.

MSS,

I agree with Scotland but I want to make sure that you understand what I'm saying. You are in a legal fight for custody of your daughter. The GAL doesn't dictate what you get. Your lawyer and WW don't dictate how often you get to see your DD.

The judge does this and you have one massive advantage that your WW doesn't have: a lawyer.

You also have some very positive signs from the judge, who sees through the WW's garbage.

The secret for father's to win custody (50/50 or shared physical) is not complicated. It really boils down to how you present yourself. Is your house in order? Is your daughter's room decorated or is it a bed in a blank room? How do you come off when talking to people? Are you intense or approachable?

So when I say that you need to do whatever the GAL says, I mean it. Don't contradict the GAL. Show a willingness to consider options. So when they tell you you need to communicate with the WW, say, "I'm willing to look into ways we can work on things for DD."

ALWAYS take everything back to DD. DD is your decision maker. DD is the guide for EVERYTHING you do in this case.

That means playing the game. You ALWAYS want to appear to be the more flexible and reasonable of the two. You always want to seem open to suggestions.

If you shoot down what they tell you, then you're an inflexible, selfish man more interested in punishing your WW than in your DD's interests.

I'm not saying that's what you are, but that's how you will be presented.

In my case, my GAL actually said in court, "He's not the monster you keep trying to portray him to be!"

She saw I was a good dad, despite mistakes I made. She suggested significant amount of time for the kids and I to be together. Did I get 50/50? No, but I got as close to it as you can get under the circumstances and would have gotten it if I lived closer to the kids.

I didn't ask you those questions because I expect you to answer them to me. Just look really hard at yourself, how you're coming off, and what you need to do to secure your time with DD and not pay out the nose for CS while OM raises a daughter you never get to see.

Well, its a couple of days late.but I'm back home after going home (Texas) for a few days. Had a great time with family.

I also had a chance to help my brother and his wife "survive an affair". My brother is the wayward (EA's as far as we know). He attempted to blame his actions on SIL but I stopped him cold in his tracks. I talked with the 2 of them and they both agreed they spend no UA time together. I told them that MUST change.

SIL strong and wants to work through it all so I coached them on the concepts from HNHN and talked about EP's and others. I recommended both books (HNHN & SAA). I told them both to call me anytime.

I hope I did them some good.

So I pick up DD for an overnight today and I find a note from ww. It was not offensive but in light of her past violations, and the fact that judge told her she should not be communicating with me at all, including smoke signal (his exact words), I'm gonna take it to my attorney and demand they pursue getting the bogus PO dismissed.

Well, ww called both my lawyer and the GAL asking them to stop me from using the IM because she doesn't know him. She said she will refuse to utilize that form of communication because she's uncomfortable with it. Uncomfortable with someone which lives 100's of miles away passing along emails but comfortable enough with someone she's met on the internet and only known for a few.months around our DD? Whatever! Now they are all telling me to stop and accept the modified PO so I can communicate with her directly.

They suggested that a known neutral party be used instead if an individual who only I am familiar with. I told them no one we both know and respect is willing to do it because they don't support her adultery and don't want to make it easier for her to continue.

As far as the PO, my lawyer said that they will not ask ww to dismiss PO because they know she won't. My reply was that I didn't want them to ask her thoughts . I wanted them to petition the court since they have documented proof of her several violations in addition to the judge being aware and having reprimanded had sternly after her admission.

I really don't know anymore...

I did something tonight for the first time. I ran into a former coworker and she asked how was the wife. I said, "You mean stbx?" It almost seemed to just flow. I said I wouldn't call her that but I did it almost instinctually. It was weird.

I guess since I am not in the D process, I haven't been able to say things like that. Right now though, I have this response to how is WH. "I dunno, you should ask his mistress. He was having an affair, and left us 2 years ago to live with her. I asked him to go. Silly me, I wouldn't let him continue his affair while living with me." Then I usually smile, and wink. It's the best I can do for now. It's how we all cope.

I think it's part of the process of personal recovery.

So today I did what I probably had prolonged longer than I should have. I sent lawyer message telling him to submit paperwork and get it over with. I'm okay with finally giving her the freedom she wants (even though she's enjoyed it already for the last year).

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I have nothing to feel bad about. I fought and fought. Its time. I can't say I have many regrets. I don't regret exposing. Idont regret telling our daughter. I don't regret the year long fight. There are just some fights you can't win.

I can't say my LB is totally empty but I guess plan b helped that. I believe she will always have an account with me. She may never make another deposit but it will be there. A lot of that has to do with me leaving that account open, but that is my choice.

What does the future hold for me now? Only God really knows that. I have many challenges ahead of me that I won't list but I will rise. I can. I must. I will.

It holds healing. You are on that journey.

Just a vent i guess...
i was contacted by my lawyer and GAL today.

GAL told me to coordinate holiday visitation and anything moving forward, I have to communicate through MIL. The same MIL whom I see every week at church but refuses to talk to me. The same MIL who told me it was my fault ww cheated when I exposed to her. The same MIL who bought a Christmas gift for me last year but hasn't given it to me (DD told me she has it). The same MIL who refused to answer my phone calls or her door when I tried to talk with her about helping my fight for my family. The same MIL who told me her daughter was doing nothing wrong because we are separated. I'm sorry but I don't see.this as a good way to communicate about DD or what's best for her.

Lawyer told me wife wants me to pay for DD extra curricular activities in addition to cs but I didn't agree to it. Ww was sent my proposal so we'll just see what happens.

MSS,
Thank you for sharing your story as painful as it is. I am sorry for what you're having to go through. Your in-laws are AWFUL!!

Your story helps me to heal because I see what I DON'T want to go through. My husband is a gem and I'm only coming to see that now.
CT

Its really amazing to see all of this. For 12 years, I listened to ww and mil constantly going at it because MIL is extremely controlling. I listen to ww complain about her relationship with her mother. I thought I was pretty lucky to not have to deal with MILs attitude in ww. I guess I wasn't so lucky....and now they are bff's. Lol.

Mark,
I have read your post.

Appreciate your tenacity and will through it all.

Now that you are at this point, How are the struggles going with the porn and any purity issues?

Really well actually. Its been a over a year and I can't say it hasn't been a struggle without any SF. There have been a few hiccups over this year but its been a while now. I continue to try and get closer to God, focus on His goodness to me inspite of the way things look, and he will be glorified after all is said and done.

Today I was informed by attorney that ww is in agreement with the final paperwork. Why wouldn't she be. I'm giving her my car. I'm not holding her responsible for any of my debt. She gets her maiden name back. She has custodial custody of DD. She gets CS. Why wouldn't she agree?

Needless to say, it seems our marriage will soon be over (atleast legally). She will really be free to do what she wants even though nothing had really stopped her before. I'll be okay, though. Its time to close that chapter and begin a new one. I will not prolong things any further. I will sign papers tomorrow and just be done.

Thanks all for anything you've done to help me through this difficult time.

GOD BLESS!!!

You've done a stellar job, mark. Keep going!

MB,

I don't know if what I've done can be classified as stellar. I even still have a hope that remains. I know I can live without her. I know God will take care of me. I know I can't make her want to change. I know I can't make her accept responsibility for her actions. But the fact is, I STILL don't want the divorce because I still CHOOSE to love her.

What I do know is, no matter how much I love her and would do my part in rebuilding, she doesn't. I just have to let her go.

The hurt is not there as it once was. The fear of life without her is gone. The idea that I can't make it without her is a distant memory. The thing that still remains is love. True unconditional love. I know many may not believe it exists, but I'm a living witness to the fact that of does. Yes, I think I'm crazy for choosing to still love someone so undeserving, but I find solace in knowing God loves me even when I don't deserve it. What an example to follow!

The hope I still have that one day God will break through the wall that prevents her from hearing him will not die.

1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.