Our background - H and I have been married 5 years, together 6. About 2 years ago I found out he was addicted to pills. He stopped using but has relapsed and has now been clean for almost 4 months. Our marriage suffered greatly from all the lies that go along with addiction. To make matters worse I had an affair that has been going on now for about a year. H knows of the affair and still wants to work things out. I am in love with the OM (he is single), but I am going to try and work on my marriage.

I have been on both sides of the street when it comes to affairs. I came to MB many years ago when I found out my first H was cheating on me. Now I am back because I am the one cheating . . .never thought I would be here. My first H left me for the OW.

I would like to have my marriage back but I don�t feel the same about my H. Before the A happened we had so many issues due to the addiction. We didn�t work through things like we should have. I feel mostly to blame for that because he was suffering with an addiction and was so high all the time he couldn�t control anything much less help our marriage. To make a long story short we didn�t deal with the hurt and sort all of it out.

So today I am here! Today is the first day of NC. I feel very depressed. I feel that I have made some very horrible decisions. I am better than this and I don�t know how in the hell I ever got to this ugly place. I am a married woman and I am in love with another man . . . wth did I do. I have read every article on this site and I am told I am in a fog. I am told that the OM is like my drug. I know a lot about drug addiction because of my H. So I will start treating OM like my drug.

Drug addicts live their lives sometimes min. by min. when they are trying to get clean. That is the same way I am feeling right now. I know my affair was wrong and that I have devastated my H. I know I have done wrong, but it doesn�t change the fact that I am hurting too. I miss OM, I love him and he was there when my H was not due to drugs. I know it�s not right but it is what happened. Now I am trying to fix it, but it is incredibly hard. I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like vomiting, crying, yelling, hitting someone, running, hiding, just disappearing and never coming back. I feel like a failure. I feel that I am scum. This is so hard.

So here I am trying to make it through day 1. Can anyone share their story of getting through the fog? How long did it take? What helped to stay in NC?

Welcome back.

How did you meet your OM?

How did you communicate with him?

What EPs have you put into place?

He works at a store I use to go to, however he is changing jobs. His new job will be computer programing so he will travel around to different store locations in a district.

Our main form of contact was texting and talking on the phone.

I have tried to break it off with him several times, but it has not lasted. It feels like torture tryin to stay away from him. I miss talking to him.

I told him that I wanted to work on my marriage and he said he understands and doesn't want to be in the way. In the past when we have tried NC I am always the one that reached out. So he is not the one making the moves.. . . which is good. I told him yesterday that I love my H and that I will have NC with him. I removed his phone number from my phone.

Another thing in my favor is that we are getting ready to move an hour away from where he lives. We are in the process of selling our house. We are hoping to move within the next few weeks.

Have you changed your phone numbers? Have you deleted FB, or any emails he may know?

Have you sent OM a NC letter that was approved by and mailed by your BH?

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I told him that I wanted to work on my marriage and he said he understands and doesn't want to be in the way. In the past when we have tried NC I am always the one that reached out. So he is not the one making the moves.. . . which is good.

Yes, I'm sure he's a real saint. He knew going in you're married, so how was it that he was not going to be in the way?

You fell for the oldest trick in the book. Playing on your emotions so he can use you for his sexual needs.

That's the chemical addiction symptoms. Not "love". Love doesn't cheat on their spouses.

Textbook Fog-speak.

Attempting to justify your filthy affair by villainizing your spouse.

No matter how much of a bad dude your husband is or was there is ZERO justification for your affair.

My cell phone is provided to me through my work so I can't change my number. I do have a FB page, however he is not a friend of mine on there and his profile is blocked.

I have one email account and BH has the password. Do I still need to delete it?

I thought the NC letter was really for peice of mind for my BH. Do i still need to send it if BH is not requesting it? It doesn't matter to me one way or another. I have already told him NC and I truely do not believe he will try and contact me again. What do you suggest?

I also forgot to say that I told my family that I had an affair. I know exposure is what is preached here. I am tired of living a lie and I wanted to try and be a better person who can be proud of what they are doing. So that was a step in that direction. That is why i did it.

I honestly feel dead inside. I am just trying to follow all of these steps hoping that maybe one day I will feel the same for my H again. Right now i don't feel love for him, but everything I read and hear from our MC is that I have to start acting like it and then eventually the feelings will come back. I am trying . . . but it really feels like I'm in a play and I am being told how to act. Is this normal?

My plan is to give it my all, follow the MB info, stop my A and then if I still feel this way well then maybe we will get a divorce or maybe we will live happily ever after, but atleast i cleaned up my side of the street just like it is my BH's job to clean up his.

Yes, the NC letter is still important. It is the right way to end the A.

Did you EVER contact OM on FB? in an email? I would delete the FB(it is a quick step to unblock OM) and I would change the email addy.

ASk your workplace to change the cell number. Tell them that you have been getting unwanted calls, and would like the number changed. That way, you won't even know if OM tries to contact you.

There is a lot of work you have ahead of you. And many posters will be along to help guide you through it.

here are just a few things you need to do.

1. You MUST change your phone number. If you don't you are leaving an open door for POSOM to contact you. Many WS's here have given the excuse...it's a work phone.. even my FWH. I insisted he change it, it got done. (his work even tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted) It may be a hassle, but it's a small price to pay to save your M, and it shows you are serious.

2. Give your BH access to all your phone records.

3. DELETE your FB. Or, you and your H share an acct. That way he can see if OM tries to contact you. (of course block him also)

4. CLOSE any email accts that you used to contact OM. Open a new one that your H has full access to.

5. Put a GPS on your car so your H can see where you are at all times.

No reason you can't change your number. It may require work, such as telling your boss, your clients, customers, co-workers, etc that you need to get a new number.

But just because you employer provides the phone is not a reason the number cannot be changed. It may take more work on your part, but it should be doable.

I will look into having my number changed.

As far as the phone records . . again it is a work phone so i do not have access to phone bills.

I will give my BH my FB password as well.

I will also look on here to get examples of NC letters.

All of these things will help, but it really comes down to me just staying focused and having self control. If I wanted to contact him I would find away. I guess it's just about protecting myself from being tempted huh

Coming here helps me to stay motivated and focused. I will try and fill my time so that i don't have down time and start thinking about him. It sure doesn't help that my husband works 80 hrs this week. uuugggg

jaded4now. You will get through the fog once you start to become honest with yourself.


POSOM got a new job and is moving on with his life and has not looked back. When you opened the door for OM to declare his love for you... he willing walked away with no regrets. He DUMPED you. Stop fooling yourself about what a nice guy OM is. He helped you destroy your life and then just walked away. All on the pretense that he doesn't want to get in the way (which is interesting because that didn't bother him before.) Very noble.

jaded4now. You would still be with OM if he hadn't dumped you wouldn't you? See him for the POSOM he really is and stop feeding that fantasy image of someone who is a liar and cheat. The fog begins to lift when you start to look at reality vs fantasy.

Focus on helping BH feel safe with you.

You are right poker face I do have to be honest with myself and with my H to move forward.

The OM did not dump me nor walk away. He simply got another job. He is still living in the same place. At this point it doesn't really matter about the OM. It doesn't matter that we love each other. It doesn't matter if he is the perfect guy for me. It doesn't matter if he is a POS or whatever else anyone wants to say about him.

I am here to seek feedback and others opinions, but I want to also make sure you all have the correct information with all involved.

I am here trying to move forward. I am trying to create a plan to put my marriage back together. I am hoping this will continue to be a place I can share my thoughts and seek encouragement when I need it. That is why I am here.

Jaded, I'm going to pipe up on this one little thing. I haven't been here long but I have been here long enough to know this. Do NOT ever lie to those that are trying to help you here. Their BS meters are so finely tuned it's almost scary. If they catch you lying, playing games, etc (and believe me, they will!) they'll drop you in a New York nanosecond and not turn back.

Just so you know. Good Luck. Now I'll just hang up and listen.

hmm....My FWH told me the same thing.... turns out all he had to do was ask his boss what it would take to get them. He got them. And this is in a top level gov't security job.


If you are serious about protecting and respecting your H you will DELETE your FB or combine the two.

jaded4now. I mean no disrespect to you. Until you start to look at reality vs fantasy you are doomed. My post was meant to encourage you to be honest with yourself.

Maybe you are not ready.

Keep reading. MB is a wealth of knowledge and experience for both betrayed and waywards. Sometimes the truth hurts most.

Yes it does absolutely matter.

Until you can see the AP as the scumbag he really is than you cant break the addiction.

He wasn't in "love" with you. He didn't "care" for you. He "used" you as a sex toy. He willingly treated you like an unpaid whore knowing all the time you were married. He cared so little about you and your life that he willingly blew it apart in order to get his rocks off.

Reality is what you need right now.

If your objective is to get through the fog, what benefit is it to argue with the above assessment?

Wouldn't viewing the OM that way HELP you get over him?

How does defending him or denying the assessment help you get through the fog? It doesn't.

You said you are trying to get through the fog. Well stop deflecting the light being shone on the OM. Accept it and use what you are being told to find your way out of the fog and to creating a safe place for your husband and marriage.