NeverGuessed,

I think you're onto something here and that is what I have thought all along. I have seen him send pictures of himself (nothing naked or anything just pics) to OW and the OW's responses could have been my verbatim.

I know he likes the "ego" boost and so I try and give him the admiration all the time, but it's like it isn't enough from someone who tells him all the time. I was listening to a segment of the radio show and Dr. H was talking about a serial cheater that "wrote a book on how to cheat". I'm sad to say that could be my WH.

He is actually diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD(borderline personality disorder) and I'm realizing that BPD is a very long a narrow road.

I asked him tonight if he is unhappy in our marriage and he said "I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired all the time".

I'm going to send a request to Steve Harley and set up an appointment. I have emailed the radio show twice, been on the show once and had a follow up with Dr. H on the radio show, and we are currently seeing a Therapist for his BPD.

I do hope Steve will get him excited about MB.

Ok, this could be a med issue. It's been a few months that he has been working on his mental issues, right?

For one, I would make sure that he knows that managing his Bipolar and Borderline is one of your EP's.

Secondly, you say that you are spending 20+ hours each week of UA time.

Take some time and really think about the quality of that UA time - remember that that time should be away from the home, without children, and that you two should be enjoying yourselves together.

Is your UA time meeting those requirements?

If not, that may be one reason both of you are still struggling.

It is also going to be difficult while he is getting adjusted to meds.

Remember, Dr. Harley recommends that UA time be spent together when you are feeling good. In this case, his mental health management is an obstacle. It can be overcome, BH, but it is going to take time to get him on the right regimen, and you two will really have to sit down and schedule that UA time so that it is at times when he has energy, and you can both enjoy each other's company, OK?

As far as SF... I believe you stated it's once a week? If you two have such a matched schedule... is it once a week because that is when he initiates/requests?

Dr. Harley has stated, and it is verifiable, that the sex drive of a man who has a satisfying sex life will go down. If you would like SF with more frequency, tell your husband.

I can tell you that at this point, I'm pretty fulfilled, and it takes almost two weeks before I really notice any driving desire to initiate SF. NGB's drive is a little higher than mine. So, when she has the desire, she requests and I comply.

Comply is a weird word... trust me, it's not work or a job. I enjoy it. In fact, her requests might really be what puts the "F" in SF.

It's not like that every time, but certainly more so than before.

Mill over these things a bit, and let's hear what you think.

You're correct HHH our UA time is not away from home it's usually spent in bed (with him sleeping) and me laying next to him or at home. So no the UA time is not when we feel good. He has even stop going to the gym which was a huge UA time for us and so I don't go either because I will not go without him.

Yes the SF is usually initiated by him because when I do he says "sorry it's the meds that got me". A couple of his meds do have the potential of these side effects.

So I was figuring that I probably wasn't giving him enough time to adjust to everything. He pretty much just wants to sleep all the time and has no motivation for anything, conversation or anything. I don't bother him anymore with the domestic support because if he gets up and goes to work, it's pretty much all he can manage for right now.

I have told him that I need more SF and he says he will try and then a few days later it may happen. He is even on testosterone shots.

He does know that one of my huge boundaries is that he stay in Therapy and on meds to control his BPD and Bi-polar.

His doctor is wonderful and tells him all the time this takes time and we will get his meds all correct.

BH, this is the problem right here. You are getting NO UA time and this program does not work without it. His sleeping next to you is not UA time. Just think, if you were dating someone but never spent any time with them you couldn't possibly fall in love.

The way to do this is exactly as HHH described, sit down and schedule DATES for the next week in 4 4 hour blocks of time away from home. Schedule them at a time when you are at your most energetic. Dress up and go out to dinner, a drive, shopping, whatever. This will help your husbands moods tremendously, because people who are in love are very happy.

BrainHurts, I think it might be helpful for you to review Dr. Harley's page on the policy of undivided attention:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

The basic description is to spend the time paying attention to each other. Nobody can do that when they are asleep. So it's not that you are spending UA time with him asleep. You are spending time with him asleep; calling it UA time won't make it UA time.

I do understand and thank you. Yes Markos, I have read that link and have tried that but still am struggling with trying to get it accomplished.

Obviously what I have been doing isn't working and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Any suggestions on how to "schedule" time with him? Whenever I try it, "he is always tired". He wants to just lay in bed. The only things he will get out of bed for and do, is go to his doctor appointments.

I used to take it personal.

Sit down with him and schedule out your whole week. Schedule your times for when he has the most energy and feels his best. Don't just wing this on a daily basis, make out a thoughtful schedule so your plans are in place for the week.

Yes BrainHurts, proactivly, aggressivly, with hope and an expectation of change plan out your time and have confidance in that plan together. Take the bull by the horns here, and watch out that the meds don't take steam out of the effort.

Remember, it is "Borderline" personality disorder, he has not gone over into psychosis,<sp>, he still has the tools, and his passion for his marriage has been sidetracked and derailed. This is where DR H is a master at putting it back on track.

YOU KNOW that marriage is deeply personal, even more than that, you know that this is a new beginning and with many good memories to reflect on, as well as mistakes to get over, as you both are maturing in this bonding of each other to one another. We don't throw the baby out with the bathwater right?

I'm not too keen on mindaltering drugs, and I am a believer in the changing of minds and concepts rather than shutting them down. Was there an actual physical chemical test of him being Bi-Polar? Bi-polar can be reversed or just a temporary thing for people in high stress situations. Maybe the adultry and the things that happened because of wrong thinking agravated his mind/brain/conscience and now he feels worthless.

Show me a man who has never made a mistake and I will show you a man who never learned anything. The same goes for women.

If this has taken all of the fight out of him, and the meds make him tired, I would recognize this and be careful of them. I am not advocating him to stop using them, just that they are a temporary solution at best to control wild thoughts that lead to bouts of depression when he comes down. Bi-polar used to be called "Manic-depression". Manic=mania, like thoughts that you were totally awesome and could do no wrong, and depression when you fell back to earth and the fantasy was shattered.

I am trusting that the therapist and the psychiatrist who prescibed the meds are working the human mindset side of this and the meds are just a temporary solution for fear and escape he might feel compelled to visit when paniced.

Trusting that as he gets better, he will regain his vigor and attentiveness to you his gift, and the drugs will not be nessesary as much as the actions of UA, and the passion of a man in love.

Trust in the plan and God Bless

With him being sapped all the time, part of your scheduling could be putting together a rest schedule for him prior to UA engagements.

Are you part of the planning for his mental health management?

Let me tell you this; a happy marriage should be included as part of his mental health plan. It is a large part of his holistic care - family and spirituality.

Does he allow you to take part in this?

Yes they did all the chemical tests and his psychiatrist specializes in BPD. She has been staying really on top of this. His medical doctor is very involved als. They both work very close together to manage his meds and his DBT therapy. I can see a huge difference in his temper and his mood swings.

I'm also seeing a therapist who teaches me to stay with my boundaries with him. They say the most important thing a person with BPD needs are firm boundaries.

So I will continue to stay in the game.

Yes he says he wants me there and says he needs me there as part of his health management. He has me come with him to be there with him to learn the DBT. I'm also very involved with all of his doctors and therapists.

I think part of the set back was that there has been a longer time in betweeen sessions and with the change of meds it's been difficult to say the least.

I'm learning the validating skills and boundary settings, which both go hand and hand with Dr. H's program. He is very overwhelmed but he hasn't quit yet, which is a good sign.

I will schedule the time with him. He did tell me tonight that we will sit down and schedule some fun activities.

Another thing that he is dealing with is that he has been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and so he is adjusting to the cpap. So we just have a few things going on.

Well kudos to you for being compassionate and understanding... it would be tough enough for a marriage to survive a small mountain of health issues without the added stress you two have seen.

Med adjustments AND sleep apnea is a tough hill to climb to just feel "normal."

Once he begins getting some real rest (used to the CPAP, and no longer losing sleep to apnea episodes) you should start seeing some improvement.

Hunker down. You have a square head on your shoulders, you have a plan, and you are involved in his mental health and healthcare management, which adds to your marriage planning.

My unqualified opinion is you two will turn the corner.

Well thanks Triple H for the words of encouragement. I have been stressed enough, so thank you.

His doctors seem to be very positive also, because he is getting help.

I will keep encouraging him on everything, to tackle one thing at a time, right?

I agree HHH, they sound good, and Brainhurts is working and a compassionate tender woman applying theright medicine

Yes that is right on also, he is blessed to have the holistic medicine of the recovery of his marrige as part of his healing

You guys ate doing good IMHO also

Thanks CP. It has been a long road, just like anyone who is dealing with an affair.


The concepts make so much sense I just need to stick with them.

Yes it's true it is about our concepts of love

"the meek shall He teach"

Marriage is for growth in love, and not a way to cystalize love as to our concepts made when we fall in love

In that way we are reborn when we learn how weak we really are, and how we need instruction

"Greater love have no man than he lay his life down"

Living in slavery to our emotions is abolished when we use our minds in calm reason, and insist we are worth more than we think we are, because we are told we are, by something greater than us.

You don't have to be Christian to know this, but we are the temple where God lives and He has given us all things to love and cherish. We are allready complete

Congratulations on your recovery process may you both grow in grace and love through this as it was intended

So an update. We work together on the same shift, we drive to work together. I thought we had EP in place and boundaries. We have been doing fun things together since he isn�t having to sleep so much, but not as much as I would like.

He asked me to log into his work email and check something for him. What do I find? A email from an OW. It was small talk. I told him �it�s obvious that a relationship with her is more important than making me feel safe in our marriage.�

I thought we had blocked her address but it was from a different address. So I blocked her address from his email. We went to break and talked about it and he told me he will send her another NC letter. So we get back from lunch and he sits down with me there and sends another email (it kept getting hung up because I had blocked her address and it wouldn�t go through) and so he left to go back to his area.

I unblocked her email and sent the email and made sure it went through and then I went back and blocked it.

So I thought we were doing really well.

What am I missing again? I thought I was filling his love bank, but I guess I�m not doing a good job.

I feel like my love bank is getting low because my taker is screaming that I�m doing all the hard work.