What exactly do you want help with? Do you have a goal? You do not want to expose your husband's behavior to those people who can assist you in changing his behavior. What steps, if any, are you willing to take?

AM

I have no goal. I feel trapped in any decision i make. I expose him, and make my children suffer. I don't expose him I suffer. Everday I feel absolutely beaten emotionally. What i want is these feeling to go away. I want to be able to smile again and mean it. Not to feel like word mispoken or step not made to perfection is a reason he stepped out on me. I want to know how to survive this and still be me. How did other women do this? I don't want to feel alone in this. If i tell my husband I want to come clean he will be angry and we will fight, just like he was when I asked for a paternity test (even though the woman wants nothing to do with him). He will undoubtably say no. If i expose him behind his back that is petty and no better than him lying behind mine. I am lost and don't want to make a wrong move.

Well, if you do nothing, it is likely that nothing will change. I guess the next best thing is to get used to it. Sorry. It is a crummy way to decide to live.

AM

What do you mean 'behind his back' - where in your vows did you promise to help him be an adulterer!

Dont make out like keeping his secrets is some wifely duty.

And Exposure is FOR your children. Fight for your marriage. What kids wants to grow up with an unrepentant cheater for a dad?

Thats not worth any amount of money.

Im afraid its either expose or carry on as you are.

You are so 'desparate'for hope you seem to believe the fairies will fix this for you or that flowers from him changes something.


Nope. Expose.

A word of warning - NEVER warn that you are about to expose. He will take the opportunity to discredit you and make you sound like a jealous nutjob to others. You have to expose quickly and without his knowledge.

Addicts dont go willingly to rehab. The intervention has to be sprung on them like a surprise for it to have maximum effect on their behaviour.

You ask people to SUPPORT your marriage when you expose. You dont do it maliciously, you do it to gather help with your husbands addictions, which is ruining your family.

That's okay, DFH, you can believe that the people on this board understand. You recognized that you were lashing out at strangers that are just trying to help, so there is definitely some lucidity to work with here.

DFH, I know you feel trapped. It serves your husband's interests for you to remain trapped; you won't get any help there. You will have to take action to change it.

We've all heard the folk tales of trapped animals gnawing off their own limbs to escape their traps. A couple of lessons to take from this: 1) personal freedom is sometimes at the cost of personal sacrifice, and 2) sometimes we have to endure short-term pain for long-term benefit.

Do not let your husband keep you trapped. Use the hammer of exposure you have at your disposal. Your husband is abusing you terribly. Please take action to make it stop.

Try to imagine where you and your child will be 20 years from now without change in your husband's behavior. Can you live in this trap, undergoing daily torture for 20 or more years? Can you live this long under this kid of abuse? Do you want your child to grow up in the same trap, only to find his/her own trap as an adult because that's the parental example? I think the answers to these questions are an emphatic NO!

Get out of that cage, DFH. You have a tool that may just work on the lock: report your husband's activities to his command.

oldwarhorse is right. Your husband is smart and knows he has you trapped.

He is risking his JOB - thats how arrogant he is that you will do nothing!! Do you honestly think he has never considered the risks to his livelihood? He has, but he is banking on you being passive and putting up with it for the money.

I am going to highlight for you the ways in which your husband has built you a cage, bar by bar.




He tells you you are more important than the other women who are 'just sex' to give you the illusion of control. Then he makes it your job to 'move on' or forget or about all the extra marital sex he's having. This leaves you trapped in misery and him free to do whatever he likes so long as it is 'just sex'.

YOU do the heavy lifting, dear. I am too busy having sex. This will leave you too tired and miserable to be proative and strong.



Most men would assume their wives would hand them in - and therefore not do anything to get into trouble. He has done the reverse to trap you. You choose to remain trapped. You also tell him with each silent day that you are happy to remain so and that he can do as he pleases.



Every single thing mentioned here is just words or empty gestures. Things that are easy for him to do. When he is in trouble, he gives you a sweetie to forget about it like you are a child. He tells you he loves you five minutes before he does something very very unloving. He is keeping you trapped with an illusion.

He knows that by meeting your needs for financial assistance, admiration, and affection that your love bank will be raised to the point where you wont want to leave him. Love is a very strong drug and he is using it to keep you trapped. He does this calculatedly. He wants you at home - and silent.

You should also realise that it would not be hard for you to have these needs met by someone else after a divorce. Someone who would be faithful.


You are in an abusive realtionship where your every move is controlled. What would you say to a woman who will not report a man who hits her to the police - because of his paycheck?


He may reform if he is dealt with like an addict and given some tough love.

Are you up for that ?

Or do you want to carry on as you are, just pretending things will be ok,?

I just want to point out that without exposure, your poor children must be very confused. They must think all married people live like this.

It is your duty to tell them, that dad has committed adultery and that having girlfriends when you are married is somehting very wrong.

That there is a reason why things have been strange and tense.

That the adultery is nothing to do with them and that it is not their fault.

That when people do bad things that they are punished for that.

Tell them that you love dad and with hard work and truth on your side you pray he will start living a better life and make better choices soon.

desperate, what does your H say about this baby? Does he express a desire to be an active father to it?

If he wants to try and rebuild his marriage to you, he should not admit paternity of this child, or agree to take a paternity test unless court ordered. Once paternity is determined, he will be required to pay for the child until it is an adult, which will have a bad effect on his maintenance for your children. If your marriage breaks up, your children will ge the short end of the stick when it comes to finances, if he is already paying for this child.

If he wants to rebuild your marriage he should readily agree to stop working with this woman, whatever that would take in the military, and never to see her or the child. If he continues to see her through work, and if he suspects or knows that the child is his, he will see the child, he will continue in his affair and your marriage will break down.

So, what does he say about the child? Can he live without knowing that he is the father, and can he go without ever seeing the child, if he is?

Also, remind me, please, whether this woman is married or in a relationship.

You are getting some very sound and GREAT advice. You would be very wise to follow it.

My very best and heartfelt advice would be to get a divorce. With so many A's, and a likely OC, that is probably the least painful of all your painful options.

That said, even though the odds are against you, miracles do happen. IF you want to try and save your M, you are at the right place for help.

Should you try to save your M, I strongly recommend you follow this program to a "T". Plan A. Expose - to the military and all family and friends of you, him, and every OW you know about. And when it's time, Plan B.

A few, a very few serial adulterers do change. I have only seen it happen when their BS took strong action, and refused to accept anything but a complete and total change from their WS.

My prayers are with you as you consider this difficult choice.

ahemm, excuse me for asking, DFH,

But where is the marriage in all of this?
In what way does he treat you differently from the women he sleeps with?
He has sex with all of you, gets you pregnant. He sleeps with other women when you are in the hospital.
He does not live with you much of the time.
He takes all of you out on dates.

Where is the commitment of a married man?
If anything he treats you like a house- and babysitter. Taking care of his dog and children. He does nothing for you.

He took your heart away by miming the husband candidate and now he is trampling on it.

He took your body away by getting you pregnant and now you can do the breeding and raising mostly by yourself.

He took your dignity away by making you an accomplice in his womanizing schemes.

Take your dignity, heart and mind back this minute!
You do not have a husband right now. No way!
This is a con artist, at one time posing as husband material.
You are already raising the children by yourself. You have nothing to lose.

There is a minute chance that he will clean up his act. Minimal.
But he will sure as anything not clean up his act if you keep doing nothing. He knows you know and is laughing in your face.

He is a bachelor who happens to have found a cheap way to have a family at the same time. Without having to do anything for it. He gets to do whatever he likes, does not even keep it a secret much.

You should DO something, because he will divorce you anyway as soon as he sees fit. Why wait so long. give him some consequenses fopr his actions. And nagging... is no consequence to him. Goes right out of the other ear. Don't you think you only have to wait untill he feels guilty. He is having a ball.

CONSEQUENSES FOLLOW BEHAVIOUR. His behaviour.

God bless you and get though,

Happyheart

Oh, and why exactly did your father not like him?
Where there early signs that he was not good husband material, in hindsight?

Ok, but you should know that relying on your husbands income is like relying on quicksand.

Cause he is not your husband right now, hes a wayward.

And waywards do whatever they like with their cash, whenever they like.

If he is in a marraige where his wife does nothing about his affairs - then his money will go on affairs, on paternity costs, maybe even on a divorce and new family if he gets entrenched in an affair which he leaves you for.

So I wouldnt count on his income. I would start making your own plans and count him as a lost cause if things remain as they are.

Oh - and HE doesnt get any say about exposure! Are you kidding? Do the cops ask criminals for agreement before making the arrest?

I think you need to read up more on exposure because you miss the main point it is done TO the wayward, not with them.

Hi, DfH

I am a military wife that is in the same situation as you.

PLEASE listen to the advice given to you. It is very hard to swallow, but I assure you, the unknown faces here actually do have your best interests at heart.

Do expose. I did. I followed the chain of command, but did not call the first shirt. After a few weeks of literally no peace, I finally called the first shirt. I urge you to NOT wait on this, I waited weeks, and it was at my expense! I ended up just hurt again, bc I knew WH was still being stupid, plus I had the added pain of knowing his super just wanted to sweep this under the rug. I chose to follow the MB plan to expose, and when I said I literally had no peace until I exposed in this way, I do mean it. It was a sure fire sign that this was what needed to be done in my situation, and it looks like you need to do the same.

I know you are worried about providing for your kids. I am a sahm right now, and I do have those concerns myself. I like what OldWarHorse said about enduring short term pain for long term benefit. Look at the big picture here. You never want to teach your children that what their daddy is doing is okay, because it is not. If you choose to do nothing, that is saying that what daddy does is okay. I know that you would hate to see your children grow up thinking that this behavior is normal when it is not.

Someone else also said that if you want to save your marriage, which, obviously you do, because you are on this website, that you need to expose. Your WH will never turn around and be the honorable man that he can be if you don't send a very clear signal that he cannot do this without consequences. Do not keep teaching this man that manipulating and sleeping around on you is okay.

I hope you get all the courage, strength, and peace you need to deal with this right now. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Ephesians 5:11
This actually really helped me make my decision, and thanks to the poster from MB that posted it. I hope that it will do the same for you. You do not deserve this. Please take action to stop it.

-erika