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12-21 2005 by Jaded4now I have not posted on here in about 2 months. For those of you who know my story and responded to my post's I just wanted to come back and give you an update.
I moved out and got my own place about a month and a half ago. It is the first time I have ever lived by myself. It was scary at first and sometimes lonely, but it is refresshing to be doing something for myself. My ex has continued to persue a relationship with the OW and has flown to NY twice to see her, he has also put himself in debt buying crazy things and even getting a NY phone number so that he could talk to her. He is not being very responsible with his kids, he let some friend of his move into the apartment. A real nice situation 2 grown men and 2 kids....GREAT
I still see my step kids almost every week, they are having a hard time but they are doing OK.
I have not seen my ex since the day I saw him to give him a check to pay the rent. I knew that was the last time I would ever see him. It was a very cold meeting.
I have spoke to him a couple times to get some of my mail, but I just had him leave it out for me so I didn't have contact with him.
Some of the family and his new roomate have said he constantly talks about me, and when he asked about me to his sister
she replied by saying you guys are not divorced yet!
I was a little mad that she even said something like that.
I would never even consider taking him back.
He replied to her comment by saying she would never talk to me again. I'm not sure what that meant and to be honest I really don't care.
I have started dating again...I find it very refreshing and a great way to help me move past this devastating time in my life. I have went on a handful of dates and have meet some really nice guys. I am taking it really slow and just enjoying life.
I look back at everything I have gone through and all the times I felt like I was just going to die. I just couldn't believe those things were happening to me. I have come so far.
I feel great about the recovery I have made from a bad situation.
I still have days that I take a stroll down memory lane...the good and the bad....but I realize I can't do anything about the past and I don't want to stop living my life.
For the people that are going through an A. Keep your chin up and follow your heart.
This site got me through alot of the hardest days of my life. I will always be greatful for the wise and caring words shared by other members.
I think there are only a couple things in life that compare to the devastation that is felt by experiencing an affair.
It is not something that is easy to go through, but you will get through it one way or another.
Good luck to everyone and may life treat you kind. Jaded How did you recover from this? nESRE
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I don't feel that talking about the OM is really beneficial to me. It only makes me think of him more and that is NOT what I am trying to do here. I don't feel that it really matters what I feel about OM. This is very noble of you. Unfortunately, saying it doesn't make it so. You've already said you love OM and feel that he is perfect for you. The posters here are attempting to replace those fantasy-fueled emotions with facts: your OM is a loser whose moral compass is so skewed that he is as happy as a pig in mud to be able to bed another man's wife. You were more than likely a convenient warm body for him until some other woman came along. (Actually, the chance is good he's got other women.) AND he sleeps well at night with that knowledge!  AND he's hunky-dory with bidding you sayonara when you decide to grow a conscience. Truth be told, he was probably getting bored with you, anyway. It's important that you know these things and accept them as the reality that needs to replace your fantasy.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Jaded,
I understand how you feel. See my signature and my first post of my situation. It's difficult to get out of the fog and through withdrawl when you have an affair with a single man. You play it over and over in your head about how he's available and you could be with him and blah, blah, blah.........
You have a son, yes? Think of him everytime you feel like contacting OM. As everyone on here says, "No good man would sleep with a married woman." There's something your POSOM was getting from you emotionally and sexually but he has no intention of making a life with you and taking on all that responsibility.
I will get back to you on ways that I helped myself get out of the fog.
CT
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Jaded,
The thing that helped me the most was finding myself an accountability partner a.k.a. "a sponser". Do you have a good friend or family member (must be female!) that you can lean on? Anytime you feel like contacting OM.....contact your sponser instead. Text her, email her, or call her anytime you want to do those things with OM.
After a few months, you'll begin to lose the urges and rely less and less on your accountability partner.
I hope this helps!
CT
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Jaded4now
A couple of questions
How old are you and your H?
I am 30 my H is 29
You said you were M'd and then D'd when your H left for OW. How about H? Is this his first M? Yes this is his first marriage
Is he actively working a program of recovery for his drug addiction?
After the last relapse I told him that unless he worked a program and was clean he could not stay in our house. He was going to NA meetings several times a week but for the last month he has only been to 1 or 2. Which concerns me!
Is he on board with MB's in any way?
I have told him about MB many times. The first time was back when I first started seeing us having problems. I printed out the questionair and we started reading Love Busters together. At the time he was activly using drugs and I think it was a waste of time because he was dealing with that (which I didn't know at the time). He has been on the site since finding out about my A. I think he came on one time, but since he has not said anything to me about coming back.
Do you have children together?
We have 3yr. old son
Do you have any of Dr H's books?
Yes, LB, his needs her needs and I use to have surviving an affair but I loaned it to someone
Can you explain how it felt to you when you were a BS?
It felt terrible being a BS. At the time I thought me and the ex had a good marriage and so the A was very unexpected. I was very hurt and devastated. My ex is still with the OW to this day though. There were many things wrong in our marriage. I have no hard feeling against my ex. It was wrong what my ex did, however I would not change the past. I believe there is lessons in everything and we are meant to be right where we are whether good or bad.
Edited to add:
Have you read back through all your previous posts here since 2005?
I have read them and I see myself at this point in my life right where my Ex was in his affair. Looking at it from a BS point of view is very frustrating, hurtful and disgusting because it's hard to understand why your spouse would do such a thing.
Looking at it from the wayward is also frustrating and hurtful as well but just for different reasons. Being a wayward in my current situation I feel as though my H abandoned me. It felt as though he was having an affair with his drugs. He was high and so he was completely disconnected from me and my son. He was spending hundreds of dollars on drugs. He totalled his truck went to jail. Lost his lic. and then had to spend around $10k for lawyers. He would hide drugs in our house. I even caught him taking drugs on Christmas Day!
I understand all of these horrible things are NOT reasons to have an A!! I know . . I know . . . I know!!! I know they are not reasons however I am just telling you how I got to such a low in my life to where I made such a bad decesion. I was numb to life. The OM started talking to me. He was like a breathe of fresh air in my darkest days. I can see exactly where I went wrong and honestly I wish I would of never met the OM at that time because if I hadn't met him I probably would already be divorced. The reason being is when H was being a retard with drugs I was having my needs met by OM so I hung around H prob longer than I should have. Those of you who know anything about drug addiction now that the addict has to be the one wanting to stop before they will REALLY stop. Well my H now says he is at that point . . .again.
So there is alittle background. Again I am not blaming anything on my H! I know that I am the one to blame for my A! I know he did not cause it! If I wanted out of the marriage I should of just got out and not had an A! I got it believe me!
nESRE
Me- WW 30
BH 29
DS 3
Dday 8/2011
NC 12-20-11
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I know there are alot of posts and I will try and respond to everyone. I will get back on in the morning, but I have to run for now. Thanks everyone!
Me- WW 30
BH 29
DS 3
Dday 8/2011
NC 12-20-11
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Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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No, you still don't get it, because if you "got it" then we wouldn't be talking about your husband's problems, just your adultery.
And of course "you know, you know you know." You were betrayed, you came here, you read the books, you learned how it all goes down... and then you had an affair.
You knew each... and every... step... of... the... way.
You even know that you are foggy, which means that you are willfully maintaining that fog.
30 years old, second marriage... how many more before you take some personal responsibility for holding one together?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Jaded4now
A couple of questions
Can you explain how it felt to you when you were a BS?
It felt terrible being a BS. At the time I thought me and the ex had a good marriage and so the A was very unexpected. I was very hurt and devastated. My ex is still with the OW to this day though. There were many things wrong in our marriage. I have no hard feeling against my ex.It was wrong what my ex did, however I would not change the past. I believe there is lessons in everything and we are meant to be right where we are whether good or bad.
Edited to add:
Have you read back through all your previous posts here since 2005?
I have read them and I see myself at this point in my life right where my Ex was in his affair. Looking at it from a BS point of view is very frustrating, hurtful and disgusting because it's hard to understand why your spouse would do such a thing.
Looking at it from the wayward is also frustrating and hurtful as well but just for different reasons. Being a wayward in my current situation I feel as though my H abandoned me. It felt as though he was having an affair with his drugs. He was high and so he was completely disconnected from me and my son. He was spending hundreds of dollars on drugs. He totalled his truck went to jail. Lost his lic. and then had to spend around $10k for lawyers. He would hide drugs in our house. I even caught him taking drugs on Christmas Day!
I understand all of these horrible things are NOT reasons to have an A!! I know . . I know . . . I know!!! I know they are not reasons however I am just telling you how I got to such a low in my life to where I made such a bad decesion. I was numb to life. The OM started talking to me. He was like a breathe of fresh air in my darkest days. I can see exactly where I went wrong and honestly I wish I would of never met the OM at that time because if I hadn't met him I probably would already be divorced. The reason being is when H was being a retard with drugs I was having my needs met by OM so I hung around H prob longer than I should have. Those of you who know anything about drug addiction now that the addict has to be the one wanting to stop before they will REALLY stop. Well my H now says he is at that point . . .again.
So there is alittle background. Again I am not blaming anything on my H! I know that I am the one to blame for my A! I know he did not cause it! If I wanted out of the marriage I should of just got out and not had an A! I got it believe me!
nESRE I have struck out what I interpret as foggy statements.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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There was a post on here that gave me some insight into my own situation. I feel that it is very true to me. It was about a WW whom was trying to hurt her wayward spouse because he had hurt her. As I was reading her post it hit home for me! I was in tears because this is what I have done.
I have poor coping skills when it comes to men. This is the first time I have had an A, but obviously I have shown this lack of skill. When my needs weren't being met I let another man fill them. I was hurt and wanted to hurt my H.
It has gotten me no where. I have def hurt my husband! Yup I accomplished that one. We are two people married to each other and so hurt and so broken we don't even know where to begin. I think the easy thing would be to just run away. I mean how do you even begin to build on this huge mound of crap. It feels hopeless.
STill searching . . .
Day 3 of NC.
Me- WW 30
BH 29
DS 3
Dday 8/2011
NC 12-20-11
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I think the easy thing would be to just run away. I mean how do you even begin to build on this huge mound of crap. It feels hopeless.
STill searching . . .
Day 3 of NC. Yep thats the easy way. Take a look at Eph 5:21-33. Does it say anywhere in there love honor and respect your spouse "unless it gets hard"? Want to know the best way?
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Jaded
How often have you seen OM since H found out about A?
How often have you had othe communication with OM since then?
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I know there are alot of posts and I will try and respond to everyone. I will get back on in the morning, but I have to run for now. Thanks everyone! J4N Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your words and actions here are all we have to go on. nESRE
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There was a post on here that gave me some insight into my own situation. I feel that it is very true to me. It was about a WW whom was trying to hurt her wayward spouse because he had hurt her. As I was reading her post it hit home for me! I was in tears because this is what I have done.
Read a lot of posts by FWW's. Thats good. I have poor coping skills when it comes to men.
Your definately on the right track with this statement.
You need to dig further though. There is more. This is the first time I have had an A, but obviously I have shown this lack of skill. When my needs weren't being met I let another man fill them. I was hurt and wanted to hurt my H. It has gotten me no where. I have def hurt my husband! Yup I accomplished that one.
this is her side of the street to clean up. H has his own bag of do do he needs to work on.
Forgive me I can't remember if you said you sent a N/C letter or not. If you haven't
I suggest you write one that your H would approve of and let him mail it.
There are all kinds of examples. Could even put the draft up here and let posters critque it.
That would be a token first step to show him you are serious.
We are two people married to each other and so hurt and so broken we don't even know where to begin. I think the easy thing would be to just run away.
I mean how do you even begin to build on this
huge mound of crap. It feels hopeless.
[color:#3333FF]If you keep coming back here and put one foot in front of the other....do the right
thing even when its hard..... do the next right thing.... and so on and so on......you can make it.
Now if your M makes it or not is another story.....STill searching . . . Have you talked to someone.....FEMALE..FEMALE..FEMALE....about being an
accountabiity partner as was suggested by another poster?nESRE
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J4now:
If you haven't sent a NCL, take this opportunity to do it.
I hope you have made the decision to not contact in any way: even in your thoughts.
I promise you, the intensity of your withdrawal will go away. Just stick to it. You can do it. It's worth it.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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There was a post on here that gave me some insight into my own situation. I feel that it is very true to me. It was about a WW whom was trying to hurt her wayward spouse because he had hurt her. As I was reading her post it hit home for me! I was in tears because this is what I have done.
I have poor coping skills when it comes to men. This is the first time I have had an A, but obviously I have shown this lack of skill. When my needs weren't being met I let another man fill them. I was hurt and wanted to hurt my H.
It has gotten me no where. I have def hurt my husband! Yup I accomplished that one. We are two people married to each other and so hurt and so broken we don't even know where to begin. I think the easy thing would be to just run away. I mean how do you even begin to build on this huge mound of crap. It feels hopeless.
STill searching . . .
Day 3 of NC. Consider Christ. His mercies are new every morning. He loves you, your husband and your kids. He restores the broken hearted.
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nesre.......thank you for reminding Jaded that she needs an accountability partner. 3 days out is raw......the wound is still oozing, Jaded! Do not expect to be able to do this by yourself. Lean on whomever will let you.
You HAVE to write the NC letter. Not just for your BH but for yourself. That will make it very real to YOU. It will be difficult but it will surely end your affair. Guaranteed your POSOM will leave you alone if you send him one that follows Dr. Harley's example.
Do not trust yourself during these early days. If you find yourself saying you don't need to write a NC letter then that's foggy talk big time.
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Jaded, wouldn't the best solution for all of this be for your child's parents to fall madly and deeply in love with each other? Did you know that this is entirely possible? You've both royally screwed up your marriage but it is possible to fix it. You may not realize it yet but you are sitting on a gold mine here at MB.
What if you could experience deep love for your husband again? What if he could do the same with you? You guys are young. You still have a life time ahead of you in your marriage.
Why not give MB a chance for the next six months? That means following the doctor's prescribed plans to a tee, starting with a no-contact letter, openness and honesty, transparency in everything you do? I promise you that at the end of that six months you will be well on your way to recovery. If not your marriage, then for you personally.
Would your husband consider posting here? I've seen marriages much worse off than your's recover. Why not give your child the best Christmas present ever. Your promise to do everything in your power to do things right. You guys owe him/her that much.
It IS possible, are you willing to try?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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