. He dismissed. I called him when he was suppose to be on the train. No train noise. I asked him to call me from the hotel. He said he was too tired and would not do it, he just wanted to sleep. Lies? All lies? I looked around his receipts and found 3 dates in past 3 months with restaurants, a night club, a jazz bar and opera, which he never mentioned.

He was with little work for a couple of years, so he was home, and our relationship was fine.
Recently he was working as a consultant and needed to travel more. He just accepted a job position starting January that requires even more travel. I guess there is no hope, then. Plus his fmaily is in Israel and he goes there to visit, sometimes by himself.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Did I mention he was married before? Well, his first marriage was not a happy one, and it ended when he got involved with someone (not me!) and left his wife + kids.
When I met him, he was already divorced for 2 years. I was not married before. We got married after a year. When I was pregnant of second kid, he started a long term affair. I only found out 3 years later. He was having an affair with the woman who was working for him. Traveling together, the whole thing. It was devastating. We went thorough Plan A. When I was ready for Plan B, he decided NC, sent a NC letter and I believe it was NC for a long time.
Now he is showing some of the same behavior of last time (losing weight, excersing more, buying clothes, and being more distant at home). It might be the same woman.

The other A was with one woman. It was a long term thing. It might be the same one now. He tends to go back to familiar places.
I guess I could hire someone to follow him when he goes out. I will look into this...