In your case, the evening work events are non-negotiable extraordinary precautions. So, yes, you're right, not subject to POJA.

You asked about our frequent use of POJA. Say we have an open evening and I have one idea in my head while H has another. We each start out by asking, "I'd like to do such-and-such. How would you feel about that?" Then we discuss until we decide what to do.

I like a particular tv show and my friend has all the seasons of that show and generously offered to lend them to us. I like the show, but my H doesn't. I don't watch any tv during the daytime. We are together at night. I don't want him to reluctantly agree to spend an hour watching that show with me. He can enthusiastically agree to watching a couple of episodes a week with me, but no more.

Yes, it's a small thing, but it gives us a chance to really practice what we've learned. So I toss out my idea, and he tosses out his, we pick through the ideas, and find something we are both enthusiastic about.

We negotiate over restaurants. There are places I like and places he likes. We don't do reluctant agreements, only enthusiastic ones. So we always negotiate about where we're going to go.

Heck, we even negotiate about when we're going to have SF. He would like it nearly daily, but I prefer it maybe every other day. We worked it out in a way we can both enthusiastically agree to. That phrase "enthusiastically agree to" has become a byword in our home. We use it all the time.

We'll have more opportunities to use the POJA in a bigger way when we return to the US and back to our old life in three years. That's when all this practice will have really come in handy. By then, it should be such a habit that it will come easily. We'll have a home to move into and decorate and a life to build, grandchildren to figure out how much time to spend with, etc. etc. We don't have any of that here, so it's kind of easy.

ok then we are doing it right i thought i was missing something we are pretty much on our own so its like our own island at home. thank god the renovations are done!!! that would have been a challenge- since H was so involved in his own life i got to make all of the decisions. but i wanted his involvement, no i know why...


thank you!!!

what about surprises?

Funny you mention surprises. H and I just talked about that a couple of days ago.

You and H could broach the general subject of what you both like to do about surprises and how each of you feels about them. Find out from the other exactly when and how they might want to be surprised. The discussion could include small and large purchases, like jewelry, for example, as a surprise. Events, such as concerts, going out to eat.

We decided that, in general, we do not "do" surprises, not complete surprises anyway. This is a subject that we discussed and came to terms with. If we had discussed a purchase or event in the past, but we either couldn't find what we were looking for or the timing was wrong, and the opportunity suddenly arises, we will occasionally grab it and "surprise" the other with our find, but only because we already decided earlier that we wanted that item/event.

ok. bad day. tomorrow is v-day always was never true lovie kinda day bc it DSS bday, and it was more about him he was a child. and i always made a point to make sure that was the most important- silly me

so i went without pretty much every vday, until 4 years ago, when dss had girl friends or others to spend the time.

well this year flat out sucks, it just does, so for 23+ years i gave up dinner out and a nice night-- now i have another issue OW baby moma was blowing H all along and their son bday is tomorrow and also find out that OW's (stalker one) son has the same bday. talk about triggers. she told him they have a connection in her awful note.

any advice? d-day is next week. yeah not feeling so hot right now.

sorry not a good update but feeling kinda s^*(^ty. right now.

NW- the vacation is being planned no worries, just have to get thru the next few days.

Was that addressed to me?

I was going to suggest y'all doing something new and different for Valentine's Day since the alternative seems to be staring at the walls, doing the routine and remembering all of the crap that has gone down over the last year.

ok that day is over! have to say i probably worked myself up to have a stressful day.

so H did alot to reassure me throught the day. he left me 3 notes and had flowers with note card to the office. bought me presents. we went out for a great dinner with more flowers. he called and txted me all day. it was very nice.

I got my hair done during the day-so driving home from dinner he says innocently "wow thats nice you can take off work to do that, i cant do that." ( well yes he did do that for 8mos.- disappeared for hours on end) so i said saying that is a trigger. so the rest was kind of a downer, bc we dont communicate well when i am sad or have a trigger. I tell him what i am feeling and he just feels bad that i feel bad and has a hard time communicating what he is feeling.

any tips for working on this- i feel when ever i communicate that i am down, he gets upset. for so many years i didnt communicate how i felt and i am not going down that path anymore, but when i say anything it gets us in the cycle.

nothing is worse than saying you feel sad and then having a person ignore you. i explained that it would be nice to get a hug when i feel this way and it took him hours to respond.

when something is a trigger and we both know it my husband just says I am sorry and grabs my hand and holds it for a few moments and the awkward moments pass with us holding hands.....then I start the new upbeat moment that starts us back on track..........it helps me let go of the triggers and lets him start over again......our WS's will get better in time, they know they f'ed up for a long time and it's hard to learn all the lessons in a day or a year........everyday gets a little better with more communication and more awareness........I make sure my husband knows the triggers are just bumps we need to both get over and that we are in it together......
Discuss it tell him what you need, ask him to do it and then respond positively he will get it that his action helps and that it makes you happy.......I often will ask my husband how a situation makes him feel now .....he opens up with his feelings when he doesn't have to worry about making things worse.......I try to remember the anguish and pain he must also be going through because of his lack of integrity..........
I think you have a keeper there, lot at the effort by him........don't be down look what you have............we had a great day too, sure there are triggers, my anniversary is on Sunday as well, dinner a movie he took 1/2 the day off to be with me......I felt very loved yesterday, you deal with each day and let go of those days that hurt so much........
Sunday will also bring some triggers for me and again I know I will have to dig deep and just concentrate on that day and none of the past..........it's work for both of us but together you build new days to remember and that is what you two did yesterday....remember what you said, "it was very nice"
next year you remember this year............

Hi Chickadee,

Could you look in on Crimson Crest? Her WH is a serial cheater and her boundaries are pretty low to have him stay in the house.

I thought you might be able to encourage her.

Thank you!

ba

yes i have been watching and wanted to jump thru the screen.

today is dday #1 anniversary and lets just say not having a great one. H is very down in the dumps and not much help to me.

i am probably in a bad spot to say anything positive but busting him out in the open i can probably do, it may be a great way for me to get my fiestiness out today.

Thanks! You are way too funny, and fiesty! I know what you mean about your H, there are still times when I look at mine and wonder how he did what he did to me/us.

Hang in there, it is not just a saying that time does heal, but the mind doesn't forget!

ba

this is what i feel like doing to h
this is what i am doing to myself and this

going to freshen up and plan A myself better- but still working.

lets just say H is not doing very well today in comforting me and making me feel important, i mean lousy ( admittedly so)
this is just not a good sign for a H who was really trying. I know i expect alot, but come on. a phone call would have helped. hes not getting it. he texted a few time with a few nice things then all about him.


what did any of the other WS to for your BS on you first dday.

hey listen, it only 5pm here and there could be somthing nice planned for later but at this point i dont care that much. i would rather spend time with friends- thats sad.

When I read your question I remembered that I had posted something on our one year antiversary. You can read it here if you like. It wasn't until two years in that I could present my whole story.

Hang in there, Chickie! If nothing else, you have dozens (scores?) of friends on this site that you did not have for support last year.

beginagain

so i posted to crimson and poof she is gone. i am not going to take it personally,but the same with daisy....

as a part of our moving on to a better marriage, i am going to as H to read a few books

i am ordering:

4 gifts
one

any other suggestions? someone mentioned winning your wife back, any thoughts?

chickadee-

Would you mind dropping in on RocketQueen if you get a chance? She had some questions about a poly exam.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2608682&page=76

Uggh on kindle. Took h away for birthday got off plane call from pet sitter my puppie was mauled by a pit or two. In surgery noe not outs woods getting next flight. Will try. Also hugs to star. Ism besides myself

Oh wow, sorry to hear about that.

No hurry with Rocket, she was just asking about how a poly was done since the number of questions was limited. I think she's past it now (WH refused to take poly anyways) and she will go back to Plan B.

Take care, hope all works out ok.

well she is alive, i cannot believe how-- really-- she is my little hope. H was fantastic even took today off to sit an watch her, he would not have done that before.

so he def filled my LB this weekend, i am just so stressed by this whole thing i cannot snap out of it and show him, i have told him but i am used to fixing things and taking care of stuff it takes me time to come down from it all. i am still in get it done mode. i have to work on that. AND he read 2 of the books that i asked "the one" and "4 gifts of love". yep, i am sure he had so much fun! happy b day jerky boy!

i am thinking about a do over bday this weekend.

a week with the stiches and then real recovery ugg this really was awful, the vet told me today that he didnt think she would make it, no less be walking the next day, she is. it will be a long road.... (any advice from the pet folks???)

i know my mom stepped in on this and said "really my baby cant to anymore this year give her a break", and my cousin said the same about 10 min after i thought this. so thank you mom.

happy to be our family of 4 (furry friends included)

ok just a vent- and them i am going to start reading some threads.

i was feeling kind of down this week in general and really taking a hard look at my life, and something triggered me about one of the questions that H had answered and so i asked for clairfication... which i got. so fine but then H said to me something like "you are going to have to get over this at somepoint in order for us to move on"

that just made me so mad, i didnt say anything. but really who the heck are you to tell me to move on? i just think a WS has litlle right to tell me when to move on. has anyone ever dealt with this. I mean come on i know i have to get over it, but for H to say it just makes me sick.

i have a tremendous amount to get over, would it be a good idea to write down what i have to "get over" and share it?

i dont know -i am just a bit sick about the magnitude of what i have to get over.

like i said just a down time....

Do you not think you have all your questions answered by your H?

If you do have all the answers Dr. H says to never talk about it again.

Are you more upset that he told you that " you need to get over it"?
Do you not think he gave you enough just compensation?

More upset of the comment he made?
What did you tell him when he said that?
Maybe you're going through one of the anger stages in recovery that many go through?