Hi everyone, new here, hate that I even have to be here...I can write details about my situation a little later but my pressing question at this time is as follows, because time is of the essence right now.
My husband had an affair. Still having an emotional one. Started MId to late May, I found out first week of August. I am tired of waiting for him to leave her alone and quit texting and telling her he loves her. He tells me if we divorce it will not be because of her, it will be because of the problems we had prior to the affair. He says he is resentful of me, and at one time hated me, because of the "way I treated him for years". Meaning gripey, cussing, bad temper (all the LB's basically) and I was diagnosed with depression at the same time the affair was exposed, so I had a huge can of worms opened to me. I had no idea that was depression.
So his point is how can he forget all that I did to him becuase he loves and cares for me but no longer "in love" as the saying goes.
He knows I am doing everything to save us but I'm a wreck in every way. He says he sees changes in me and likes them, but apparently they aren't good enough. I cannot allow a third party to enter my marriage. He says he is not ready to work on us so that leaves me one option- divorce. In fact I almost filed yesterday after an argument. When we argue now, its only about "her".
I have tried moving to my parents at nearly 40 years old(nice) and he now moved out of our house for about a week with a friend. We do text often and see each other on occasion every couple days to keep runing the household (pets), etc. I do NOT want a divorce and he knows this. But he cannot get over the resentment and has asked me how to since he thinks I am an expert now that I have read many of the Dr. Harley books....I do recall seeing something on resentment, but did not mark it and now I've forgotten what book to look it up in without re reading them and I really don't have time for that. I am on the verge of leaving a 15 year marriage.
In a nutshell, background: we met as a result of an affair with his first wife and are almost 9 years apart in age (he's older) and this mistress of his is 24 years younger. Irritates me beyond belief. It's a coworker (can't change jobs yet, but I am pressing for it trust me)....She is also married with a young child. He had never had an affair before me (I was single) and has not ever had one until now. I'm afraid everyone will say "I told you so, what did you expect?" and I don't want to hear that right now. We HAD a good marriage, but he doesn't see how it can be even greater after an affair if he would just choose to work on it.
Anything you can do to tell me how he can overcome this resentment of me so he can be "in love" with me again? He says he just doesn't know how you can get that back once it is lost. He doesn't see it. He will not read my books. (His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and Surviving and Affair). I'm sure this is something you've all heard before. As all situations like this go, there are so many more details but I can't share at this moment due to time constraints.
I swore to him I am not living through Christmas this way knowing he is texting her "merry christmas" etc Thanksgiving sucked. Ya, nice one, Merry Christmas, here's your present, it's divorce papers....
Thanks for anything you can tell me.
SG

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. here

You knew when you married him that he was capable of having an affair and leaving his wife. You knew what to expect and now he is simply living up to his track record.

Thanks everyone, I'll be leaving the forum.

I came here for encouragement and help with a solution with someone I love.

All I am reading is people saying dump your husband if he had an affair.

He has accepted responsibility for it and apologized for hurting me multiple times, just can't seem to let me back in his life 100% right now because of his resentment toward me, which caused him to gravitate toward what he did in the first place. So I am working on ME in the meantime and it's going pretty decently.

Why is it OK for some people here to stay with a spouse that cheated? Why is it OK for them to want their marriage fixed? Those spouses are now obviously cheaters and the spouse that stayed with them after the affair signed up to continue to stay knowing that it very well could happen again, too. Same advice they are telling me.

It's my marriage. I want to save it. I don't want a divorce. I am willing to forgive this (not forget obviously). I just needed some advice to help fix it and take precautions it won't happen again. We both know it won't be easy. He is a good person that did a bad thing. He has accepted responsibility for it and apologized for hurting me multiple times

"I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed."

Why is it OK for some people here to stay with a spouse that cheated? Why is it OK for them to want their marriage fixed? Those spouses are now obviously cheaters and the spouse that stayed with them after the affair signed up to continue to stay knowing that it very well could happen again, too.

Why leaving?
I don't even know if it's worth my time to explain it, I have a marriage to mend. But....
I came here for encouragement and help with a solution with someone I love. All I get is the usual "you should have known". Which I respectfully asked NOT to hear, I've heard it enough- I GET IT. There is more to the story which I said I could not do at this time. I LOVE my husband. This is my first marriage, his second (happens all the time with many people) ya, OK we met the wrong way, but I learned from it, not proud of it (like there are people here who are not proud of certain things they may have done throughout their lifetimes?), but I never did it again. Unfortunatley he did. The way I look at it, I chose him knowing he wasn't perfect and he the same with me. He asked and I said yes. No one is perfect.
This site is about giving encouragement and fixing marriages (or so I thought). All I am reading is people saying dump your husband if he had an affair.
It's my marriage. I want to save it. I don't want a divorce. I am willing to forgive this (not forget obviously). I just needed some advice to help fix it and take precautions it won't happen again. We both know it won't be easy. He is a good person that did a bad thing. He has accepted responsibility for it and apologized for hurting me multiple times, just can't seem to let me back in his life 100% right now because of his resentment toward me, which caused him to gravitate toward what he did in the first place. So I am working on ME in the meantime and it's going pretty decently.
People make mistakes. Apparently over 50% of people in marriages these days make these same mistakes of infidelity and fix them, but just because of how I met my husband that's all the sudden not an option for ME, per the people that have responded to this post.
In one of Dr. harley's books he tells the story of a man who did this three times with his secretary's at work (affairs)and wanted the last marriage to work (even though meeting thru an affair, his THIRD) and they fixed it. Why can't I want my marriage to work? Why only that guy?
Why is it OK for some people here to stay with a spouse that cheated? Why is it OK for them to want their marriage fixed? Those spouses are now obviously cheaters and the spouse that stayed with them after the affair signed up to continue to stay knowing that it very well could happen again, too. Same advice they are telling me.
I do not want to argue, I do not want to preach, or be preached to, so I think I'm done here, you won't have to lecture me anymore and make me feel even more horrible at the moment, you can lecture someone else. I need to spend my time off the forum and doing additional things to save my marriage, just not let it slip away after 15 years and take precious time reading about how to not make it work.
Thanks, sorry. I tried.