First off, this couple had never even met in person. They were not engaged, not even dating, no committment, nothing. She had just as much of a "committment" [if not MORE] to the guy she slept with. At least she had met him in person. Using that logic, she "cheated" on the guy she slept with by having an online flirtation with the [NOW] husband. It is ludicrous to call dating "cheating." It is not "cheating." Single people date. It is not "cheating."

I find it very tiring when people equate dating with the very real issue of adultery. That is as insane as equating smoking with heroin use. That kind of fuzzy thinking just muddies the waters and diminishes real problems such as infidelity, which is our main focus here.

So sorry, I have no patience for this line of thinking.

Melody,

When I was 15 and my 15 year old girlfriend cheated on me with a 23 year old guy that was painful too, even though at that age there was never a real possibility of marriage or long term commitment. Never thought to report him to the police at the time, her words to me were that she cheated on me and that I should go out and cheat on her.

And the fear is that someone who cheats before you are married will cheat after you are married.

God Bless
Gamma

True.

My mistake was I didn't tell him before we got married. It was an online thing, my fault I didn't trust him enough. But how many serial killers are lurking out there online.

I was "hurt" when I was in 1st grade and a mean girl named April kicked me on the playground. But you know what? I got over it.

Maybe the issue is a definition of terms? Adultery verses infidelity... Adultery happens in marriage, but infidelity happens when you are in an exclusive commitment and are unfaithful.

Both are painful to different degrees. The truth is, there is exclusivity in dating with many many people. It's not cool to just cat around while having a commitment to someone else. It's unfaithfulness. Adultery however is a different level of infidelity because there is a much stronger and legal/spiritual/God-ordained commitment that has been violated.

In both cases, cheating is infidelity, but with marriage, it's soooo much more... It's adulterous.

Let me answer here, because my wife did both.

Cheating while we were dating was a lot easier, and less painful, to deal with.

Here's why; we were not married, and had no children. I could have dropped her like a sack of rocks the moment she confessed. The confession in that case was also immediate.

With her affair, we had 10 years of marital history, a home, 3 children, and of course all of the interwoven family relationships that come with a marriage.

Even for a couple that is married for a short time, marriage hs significant impact to familial bonding.

The two are not comparable in that respect, sir.

As for the OP, it will be the dishonesty and stalling that is damaging. It would have been less painful to know BEFORE marriage occurred, because there was no legal, social, or spiritual contract binding the betrayed to a "decietful cheater."

I think we have to recognize that an online flirtation is not a "committment" in any sense of the word and keep this in perspective. Dating is not a "committment," by definition. She was not "committed" to this person, she had not even MET him, much less made a committment. She was not even in a real dating relationship with this man. She was a free agent who was not committed to anyone. If she was "cheating" on the online boyfriend, then she was also "cheating" on the real life boyfriend she slept with.

Folks, we can't call anything and everything infidelity and cheating. It simply is not. Dating is not a "committment."

And if it were to ever be asked "why would you marry a woman who cheated while you were dating?"

My answer is thus;

I cheated in every relationship I had prior to meeting my wife. I stopped when I started dating her because I chose to stop, and I didn't cheat on her in the marriage because I knew I could, I knew I would, and I CHOSE to never allow myself the situation to do so.

BINGO!

I guess these folks have never heard Dr Harley and Joyce talk about this on the radio. Joyce dated LOTS of guys while they were dating. Was Dr Harley upset? Yes. But did he understand they were DATING and as such, there was no committment? YES.

The difference is that Joyce would tell him she had gone out with another guy. They told each other about who they each dated. That is what is important.

Now, would I be upset if I was engaged and my fiance "cheated?" Heck yes. Because that is a PROMISE to be committed. But just dating is not a committment.

You're confusing things. BS's who had an affair with a married person and then married them are reminded that they married a cheater. They didn't catch their WS having an affair ON them before they got married. Their WS was having an affair WITH them. He was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend.

I just want to clarify what the real situation was:

Months of talking online with my now husband...between that, slept with a guy that wasn't planned because I got drunk (I know, stupid right) and just met because he was an acquaintance who came to town.

Again, my mistake was I didn't tell him about it BEFORE we got married.