Doormat No More, H and I have been discussing the facebook thing at length. He agrees with me. He says it was a catalyst to the renewal of the A after OW's transfer. I've told him how his use of FB makes me feel.

I have the password and check it every day or two. That was how I caught the unblock in early December. If you go on FB and try to block someone you've recently unblocked, you will get an error message that says you can't block a user you've unblocked in the past 48 hours.

We're also talking about my A 12 years ago. I asked him in a few different ways if there were things I could have done differently afterward to make him feel safe. He kept saying that I had done everything right. Then I realized what had made him feel secure again with me way back then. I had stopped flirting in any way whatsoever, and did not start again.

The EP's in place so far:
I have all his passwords; access to computer, phone activity.
He doesn't go out with friends after work unless we've got a sitter and he's bringing me with him.
We talk at least once every two hours while we're apart. (work)
We are together every second that we can be.

(Some of these things may not really be considered EP's, I guess.)

More stuff comes out that still needs to be worked through. I have trouble keeping my mind on work or whatever I am supposed to be doing, because I worry.

Prior to D-day #1 3/12/11 H had been planning on leaving me for OW. Not messing around, but really thinking his future (and the kids'!) might be with someone else. (No realization then that I would be the custodial parent; I wasn't unfaithful and I had no desire to end the marriage.)

POJA w/o sufficient UA time is really hard to do. H is on board with both, though he's not one to follow any kind of map. We have some hard things to talk through.

I want to take the kids with me to see my oldest child, his GF of 4 years, and my 1-year-old grandson. They live nearby. They have some very serious problems that they do not want help with, disaster impending. The baby needs a grandmother in his life. DS's GF's mom died in 2009.

H became angry when I told him I think we need to go over there to see them, check on them, let them know someone cares about them. He said they can come to our house, and he will not like it if I take the kids there. But they will not answer the phone, and I am worried about them. Now I have 2 days off work, but I have the kids and H is working.

FWH had been comtemplating and setting up a whole separate life for our kids, far away from me, without my knowledge, with OW who had been his boss at the time. OW and HER much older kids knew my kids by name and were under the impression that I am a horrible mother whom my kids need protection from. That was never true, and FWH said nothing to disabuse OW and her family of that notion.

FWH had NOT taken our kids to OW's house or to meet OW anywhere except the retail store where they both worked. I had asked him NOT to take the kids to the store while OW was working after D-day. He was sneaking a lot to stay in contact w/ OW long after he said he'd committed to the future with me. He went with the kids to the store to talk to OW (to innocently shop) against my pleas.

He says the comparison is apples and oranges. I say it's the same because it's about one partner forcing his/her will on the other. But I did get him to calm down and listen to me, a huge improvement from the way we were living before, making independent decisions that we both had to live with (his words).

I want to honor his wishes. But I miss my son and my grandson, and the kids miss them too.

An update: shortly after I last posted, the situation with my oldest DS and his GF came to a head. My H and I were asked on the spot to take temporary custody of the baby. We were in agreement on this and did well, but it was hard. We know we can't do it long term.

We have trouble seeing eye to eye on their whole situation because DS25 is my child from previous marriage, even though H and I raised him together. I am very attached to our grandson; H loves him however does not want to raise him. He did take days off to work to take care of him. The baby (age 1) is very attached to us. It is mostly up to the baby's parents and what happens to them.

We are still making lots of UA time and talking things out. Recovery and romance is better and better. Revelations have stopped surfacing. Memories are still prevalent, and I am trying not to get upset at every trigger (there are many). He's reassuring me every step of the way.

I am understanding when I read here that the first year is hard for memories. We are almost 4 months into NC now, with no regrets.

I don't understand why your WH is trying to distance himself from your DS. When a man takes on a wife it's for life. When a man takes on a wife with baggage he takes on the baggage for life as well.

If the man is only willing to do carry the luggage till it turns 18 then he should make this be clearly known when he asks a woman to marry him.

Then the woman should tell this loser take a hike.

Every GP does not want to have to raise their GK's full time. But when their childs marriage or ability to raise the GK goes south who else does your WH expect to raise this GK?

It still seems that your WH only wants to do what he wants.

How did you and your WH come together and marry.

I strongly encourage you to read HNHN for parents, there is a section on Blended families.

Your WH is still wayward and until he is unwilling to do POJA and UA, then you are not safe with him.

I would look into a short Plan A time with him, and then get ready for Plan B.

I am certain that my H is no longer wayward as defined by infidelity: Sneaking around; maintaining an extramarital relationship; loyalty to an OW. It didn't take him long (after NC 11/9/11) to realize he had been selfish, greedy, and cruel.

Other meanings of the word "wayward" are apt descriptors of my H. He has always been unconventional, liked to do things his own way, enjoyed having a good time in life, partied too much, and resisted efforts to get him to do what I (before me, his parents) wanted him to do. He took his time about growing up.

He was steadfastly loyal to me though, for 21 years. He worshipped the ground I walked on, had eyes only for me, overwhelmed me with too much love.Other women were never a temptation to him. I took his attention for granted for years.

He does UA and POJA with me. But yes, he has a history of being kind of hard to handle and "my way or the highway" in conflicts, especially about the kids. Throughout the whole history of our marriage, we have had more disagreements about my oldest son than anything else, including money, sex, housework, time together, or the other four children.

We met 23 years ago at a party at a friend's house. It was March 11, 1989.

I was 21, and my two children, aged 2-1/2 and 1, were the center of my life. I was in the middle of a divorce (separated 19 months), working full-time at a decent job, and was moving into my own apartment with my children, independently from my parents who had been helping me a lot.

He was 23 and working, living at home with parents, went out at night a lot, played the guitar, was in a band with his friends who were all intelligent and nice people. He had a big smile, was intelligent to talk to, liked to talk about music, told me about concerts he had tickets for and wanted to take me with him.

He'd had one long-term relationship that had ended 2 years before. I'd had a lot of quick encounters as a teenager but not many real dates or traditional boyfriends.

...hope I can type more later; gotta get back to the kids; hard to get any free time around here!

Tomorrow is D-Day anniversary 1 -year.

Today is our anniversary, the day we first met in 1989, 23 years.

The Road, You were right about this. The first dishonesties about OP in my M came from ME, not my FWH/FBH. Real O&H from me about details of my A from 20 years ago were not asked for and were long ovedue to make real healing happen for us. He has needed that from me, and the UA from me, all of this time.

Gamma, you hit the nail on the head here. Your insight helped me realize the damage I did years ago, to my DH who likely never would have done this to me, had I never done anything like it to him. But I did.
IARTQ

I just started reading this post and it sounds so much like my H and myself. Thank you IARTQ for your honesty because your story is helping me.

Thank you, fifteenyears, I am glad to know that reading my story could help you.

This continues to be a point of resistance for my DWH. I don't understand it either, The Road. He raised my son with me from age 2-1/2 on.

They had violent arguements (WH and my oldest son) when DS was a teenager and wouldn't do anything he was supposred to do (go to school, do homework, stop taking drugs, etc.) My son's biological father encouraged him to misbehave and disobey. XH wanted to get back at me for leaving him behind and moving on.

I don't understand why my H still harbors such animosity for my child. He is in prison! One of the Corporal Works of Mercy is to comfort the imprisoned. Why can't H even talk to him on the phone, send him a letter, say kind things about him, anything at all?

Yes, you all are right. This is waywardness.

For what reason? It serves my WH no long-term happiness to tell me he won't watch our grandson while I go get groceries, because, "I am not raising my stepson's child".

It's selfish and immature, and he never called this grown child we raised "stepson!" So why?

He says, "Because I don't want to."

Well there are a lot of things I don't want to do, too. But I do them. And, yes, sometimes it p!sses me off, because I am doing more than my share. But, so what! Complaining is fruitless. I am venting here now. Thanks for reading.

To bad you did not find MB during your first marriage.
Not all men are willing to be step dads. They may put up a front because they can't have the woman they want unless they take on the baggage.

Problem is finding a man to marry a woman with kids that is willing to be a step dad.

By now you see the difference between a man putting up with a stepson and a man accepting, wanting a stepson.

I had been wanting to edit my post because I was whining. I'd stayed awake too late that night, troubled by the bad parts of the day and not even focusing on my H's admission that he "didn't mean to be unwilling", that there are lots of things he will do, but was frustrated right then, and offered to do more with taking care of the baby. (We have our GS 2 or 3 days a week, and at least one of those days DH spends with GS and our other kids while I'm working.)

He is mad at my son, whom I miss very much, but realizes that it's not the child's fault. DH put the crib together at the GGP's house the next morning.

My first marriage was when I was a teenager. It was doomed from the start. I'd known XH 2-1/2 months when I married him and six days later looked into getting it annulled. XH's parents wanted me to "fix" him, and I followed through with nuptials at their behest. I was a bratty kid who did not want to go home and go to college and admit to my parents that I was making a bad decision. My XH is not much better off in life than DS is even now today, and he's had 47 years to get his life figured out.

I have to be careful not to polarize things, pull them out of context, and fall into a downward spiral of anger.

My DH is back, all the way back, the real him, the way he was before the A, O&H about everything, loves me and only me, and does his very best to take care of me in every regard. He says the A was a big mistake, wishes he could erase it because of the hurt he caused me. He is very patient and caring; he doesn't expect me to just get over it. This is what I wanted more than anything in the world, so I need to figure out how to appreciate my life, my H, and my kids, and stop getting so angry all the time.

Are you following the Marrigebuilders program?

Yes, we are. We are doing well. All my most important EN's are met. We have 18-24 hours/week UA time focusing on the Big Four, with no kids, phones, friends, or television. Our conflict negotiation is pleasant and enjoyable together, and we have tons of topics to discuss and POJA. We both avoid LB's.

I need to stop worrying so much and try to get beyond the lingering BW mentality of insecurity. Yes, I am "good enough".
But I still need constant reassurance, even though I am getting full O&H. There are no new "revelations that hurt".

Maybe if I tell my D-day story here, I can put it to rest and not think of it anymore. Maybe it will help someone else who reads it.

I've read stories here that have helped me tremendously. I've also read, and identified with) posts from BH's saying that coming here is a trigger for them.

I want to put my H's intense year-long EA behind me. It has been almost a year since NC, and I need to forget about it. DH says he no longer thinks about OW, acknowledges the EA as a huge mistake and character flaw in him that I in no way caused. He worries about the hurt and damage that he did to me.

He swept me off my feet. He came to see me every day after work as soon we started dating. It was the third time we'd been out together in three weeks, when he first kissed me. I had never been so in love. I'd not been emotionally intimate with any man before, though I'd been physical before and had even been married. He wanted to wait for SF with me. He brought me fresh flowers every week. He made compilations of songs for me on tape, and listened to the music with me as I grew to know new songs, and he sang with me.
We saw eachother every day for months. His attention to me and my children was total.

IARTQ, I'm pulling this back to your thread because I didn't want to "load up" MSS's with additional issues, but you did say:

Yet I walk the parapet, aware of every possible threat, real or imagined. I am changing my outlook now, searching for disengulfment from an old fog.

If this proves to endure as the new orientation of your recovery, kiddo, then I will count yesterday as a VERY good day.