Thanks Fred! You help me stay on track. Maybe it's a hint of ego slipping in that wants her to regret treating me as less important than her loser OM's. I don't know why I care, I guess I haven't quite got to indifference yet. Anyway, our wayward ex's definitely have the capacity for self-justification in common. Thanks for that comment, it helps alot.
I'll be fine.

Opt

Opt,

You're experiencing what I'm sure I will as well soon enough, we would not be human if we didn't wonder how our EX's are doing, and if they're suffering enough, for what they have done. Of the things I know and hope to apply to my life, I know that God makes it clear that He is in charge of the vengeance department.

Problem is that that's no fun at all, I would much rather see a degree of suffering that has been inflicted on me, watch as her life spirals out of control and she finds her self alone profoundly regretting her behavior.


As I have read your thread and know you have done an excellent job of moving on from "what's her face" and the greatest pain you can inflict on her is your indifference, that at the same time is the best approach to continuing your healing.

Be patient, I predict the day will come when the WW will approach you wanting to reconnect, we all have to be ready for that day if it comes and how we will handle it.

That is a day when, you will know she has come full circle, it is a day when you will be able to have some degree of satisfaction, I have a feeling when that day comes for me it will only make me sad to know that what was destroyed, and it's recovery is now impossible

{{{SHUDDER}}}

I pray this day is a L_O_N_G way off into the future.

You know I could be wrong......

SC thanks. You could be wrong but I think it's more likely that you are not.

wxw has been very conciliatory throughout this whole thing and while that's perhaps just the approach she's chosen to take for various (good) reasons, I wouldn't rule out the ultimate fantasy that she might hold of ME approaching HER on reconciliation. That's more how she rolls. My Mother pointed out a couple days ago that she has always been very manipulative (especially with men) and I've said before how rare it is for her to admit wrongdoing; so me coming to her would avoid that.
Not to worry. That simply wont happen. Recovery is impossible.
I don't really want her to suffer. What I would like is for her to get her crap together and then find a good man. The two go hand in hand however and I don't see the first thing happening much.
DD said last night she was "doing good" (I asked how Momma was doing).

Anyway I think I'm over the episode. It helps so much to hear other's thoughts on stuff like this. Even a lack of responses is affirming: why make something more out of it than it has to be, right?

Good luck in your continued recovery SC.

Opt

Count me in as one who would love to hear the ex say that they regretted the decision to leave.

I know that's my ego talking, because my self esteem took a blow. I felt devalued, and I wanted him to value me. It would be nice to feel more valued by him, even if it comes years later.

I can't hold my breath for that one though.

I will continue to work on valuing myself.

Thanks MJ for your input.
I would expect by the time we all (myself very much included) are well into the process of learning to value ourselves, the last person we'll be worried about valuing us will be our former spouses.

You make such good points though. Without that self-value (ie self-esteem), it is impossible to feel it from another, am I right?

I will say that having that simply relationship behind me (even though the actual D is only 4 months old) brought my self-esteem up exponentially. I've been rediscovering myself since the separation (10 months ago). Now, I don't even know how I recognized myself in the mirror for the last several years of our M. Not that I wanted it to end with adultery (with the neighbors no less), but I guess we don't get to choose these things.


Opt

Very possibly, but in my case with my stbx, it's hard to say for me.

I was married previously to my first husband for a very short time. He cheated on me, and completely abandoned the kids and I. I got over him pretty quick. He never grew into someone I could respect. One day, years and years later, he told me that he regretted leaving me. I didn't give a rip. With my current husband, I think I'll give a rip, but I can't say until then for sure. I think it will matter to me.




I think so. I had a bunch of people tell me I have value, and what they value. But I didn't feel valuable even when they told me. I even tried to tell them what my faults were, how I've acted. They understood, and still told me how I had value. But because my husband left me, I didn't feel valuable. I remember saying it killed me that only one person in the whole wide world could have me feeling so devalued, when no one else did. Probably, because he knew me more than anyone else did. He KNEW me. He knew it all. They didn't.

But until I feel it myself, no, I don't feel it when they tell me.



I'm glad to hear this. What exactly do you think helped to improve your self esteem?

lol, well geez let me see I guess it started the day she moved out and I started decorating the place like I wanted it and found that I didn't need her 100% input afterall to make good decisions. Having the floors done (because it was "too dusty" to do before). Getting two kittins to love me, haha. Then I realized I was actually a good father if given the freedom to actually talk to my kids without distractions and outside stress and drama. Then I got myself a piano and got back into doing things I loved (piano never "fit" in the home). Reading Boundaries helped alot. Reconnecting with my Faith was huge. Talking to a lot of people about my situation and getting encouragement. Hanging with other singles when the time was right. Finally, going out with other women and finding out that in fact I could start that "fire" ewith a woman (emotionally and physically) was monumental because my wx had gradually taken that opportunity away over the course of 15 years (and it didn't start out on a very good foot in the first place)- I was so low...just being told I was a "good kisser" was a life altering experience at taht point, lol. .
Gradually I've all but eliminated contact with wx.
that's the short answer.

hang in MJ, it gets better.
opt

Thank you for sharing all of that Opt. All of that sounds very doable.

Did the biggest improvements to your self esteem come after the divorce stuff was over? I feel like I'm going to be beaten down by him throughout the whole process.

Did the biggest improvements to your self esteem come after the divorce stuff was over? I feel like I'm going to be beaten down by him throughout the whole process.

I am right there with you. Funny thing for me is that I have never allowed someone to beat me down. I really think i just did some weird co-dependent thing and lost touch of who I am and what I stand for. Will be looking forward to hearing Opt's response.

I'm not Opt, but will step in and answer anyway.

Maybe I'm unique because the whole divorce process went very smoothly and quickly for me, but going through it was very empowering and actually raised my self worth.

Our history was me relying on WW to make most of the major decision, control the finances, etc.

For my therapy, I immersed myself in the divorce process. I hired and paid for a good lawyer, prepared him with reams of documentation showing what a good father I was, prepared him with a couple viable options of dividing assets and debts. Also empowering was my taking over the finances and opening all new accounts. Felt good to know where all the money was going for a change.

By the time the divorce was final, I was completely independent and showed myself that I was a lot more capable of taking charge than I believed before. By the time I signed the papers I had a very good head start on personal recovery.

Right on Schtoop.
I have no time cause I'm so late for work from the shoveling and stuff. I'll get my input in to you MJ and CM.
lata,
opt

It's definitely a work in progress, lol.
As far as the whole process goes, I'd have to say it takes a while to "find yourself" after your spouse does something like have an affair; or like Card's case is just rejecting him with relentless selfishness. The rejection from the one person who was supposed to be having your back for life is difficult and deeply injurious.

Separation and then D, with as much Plan B type approach as possible is crucial I think and as I've been able to remove myself more and more from wxw, and in the process be a little selfish with my own personal pursuits, you definitely start realizing you never deserved that kind of treatment in the first place. Real distance from the ex is critical though I think because somehow contact throws you back (at least that's how it's been for me in this immediate portion of the D process). When I see her or talk to her it holds me back, i'll admit it, but it's hard to avoid; so I just keep it to a minimum. Then I give myself a pep-talk or recall some of the nasty things she did during the adultery activity.

It gets better for sure. Hang in, and post often. It helps somehow to keep grounded and know others are going through it or went through the same bullsht.

Opt

I have very little contact, and it's all business if we do, and it throws me back every single time. It was wierd when I first noticed it after he left. When there was contact, I'd physically feel upset for about 3 days each time. It was awful, and I dread it because we're starting to get the ball rolling with the divorce, which means more contact than I'd like.

I just so badly want to be done with this whole process so that I can heal without continually be thrown back. I feel consumed with decisions and things to do to get through this process, that have me think of him, and just thinking about it all makes me ill.

Even though it's still rough for me, especially when there's contact, it has been getting a little better each day.

Thanks for telling me how it was for you.

So my ex Father in Law died Tuesday after a long battle with cancer.
I attended the wake last night with my new GF, Nature Girl.
I attended the funeral today- NG was there for most of it, but had to work. She's been very supportive and understanding for me and the kids.

I was with my kids throughout the experience as much as I could be, but it was their mother's event. It was very sad not to be able to be with them through this difficult time; they were very close to their Pop-pop and this was their first experience with a death in the family. I am so proud of how they have handled the whole thing, including the months leading up to it and how they spent time with him knowing he was not going to be around much longer.

I was sad for them that they couldn't experience the sitaution as a family with both of their parents involved and supporting them together. I was sad for the stupid choices my ex made and the loose approach she takes to life and relationships. The irony: much of what she knows she learned from a man who is now in a better place~ nonetheless, I will miss Pop-pop.
opt

Isn't it peculiar how loss sometimes finds us? In this case, the physical loss was that of your ex-FIL. But the real loss was that of the family that you once had.

But you were there, opt. You were there for the kids, if not for anything else. And that's the message to take away.

After a while, there can be strength in loss. I think you're finding that.

Merry Christmas, opt.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Opt.

All the grandchildren call my dad "Pop-pop." Makes me feel odd to hear of a Pop-pop dying.

My condolences Opt.

Sorry also about the feeling of powerlessness regarding not being able to comfort the kids together. But like Fred said, I'm sure they know and realize that you love them and are there for them.

Opt,

I glad that you felt you could go to the funeral, and support your kids as they grieve. I know you had an extra bit of pain when you were not sitting by your ex where you should have been,with the kids and the rest of the family. That's one of the wonderful things about a divorce, that we all know we will face for the rest of our lives in different ways.

There is a lesson for your kids through this and, for that matter all of us, families are meant to be together. I think it shows great character that you went to the funeral in the first place. Tons of EX's would have not faced that.

Opt, I can see you've got a girl to hang onto in NG, that she would stand by you through this speaks volumes about her as well.

I'm sorry for your loss, lost my dad going on 10 years ago and still miss him. Although I haven't lost either of my stbx IL's yet I feel they are surrogate parents of mine as I have known them now for over 34 years. They have made it clear to me that they consider me a son. I don't look forward to their passing as I know I'll be facing similar situation that you just did.

God give us the grace we need to get through events like this I'm so glad you were able to show that to your kids this week. I'll be praying for your family.

SC