I am currently getting a divorce after 30 years. Though one of the internet divorce support groups I met a man. Immediately we hit it off and have been e-mailing each other for the past two months, we have also had a few conversations by phone. I am finding I am falling in love with this man. He is in the same situation as I am. His wife moved to california to be with another man. He says he's over her and has been sleeping in the guest room of their house for the past year now. I don't know how to handle the situation especially when my feelings are going crazy. Should I tell him I'm in love with him? I don't know how he would react. My marriage has been over for a long time eventhough my husband and I were living together so I am very much over the marriage and ready to move on. He has told me he is ready to move on with his life and find happiness but I don't know if that includes me. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel.

Good grief no. You need to back off on this relationship. You said that you are getting a divorce, which means that you are still MARRIED. Is the other man divorced yet? If not, he's still MARRIED, too.

Neither you nor this man are ready to be in a relationship right now. It takes TIME to heal from a broken marriage.

I have met way too many people who are going through a second divorce because they jumped into a second marriage too quickly. Please don't be one of those statistics.

Whoa Nelly !!!!!!! Whoa !!!!!!

Or what Kerby said.......

Petals, you just left your WH two months ago! Have you just decided if you can't beat them, join them? You are still married, whether you think the marriage is over or not. MB does not support dating while married. You're basically jumping out of the pot into the frying pan. A rebound relationship will not work. What are you teaching your kids?

You are no where ready for another relationship! In your SECOND post, you said you were going to join a divorce forum. Had you ready joined at that point? You're actually having an EA yourself. Not a very wise move.

You said this on your last thread. That sense of relief means that you are vulnerable to the first person who shows you any kindness. You are not ready to judge anyone's character in any objective way.

And yes, you are still married and it is still an affair.

Petals, you're not divorced yet. I can't imagine why you would go to a divorce support group and strike up a relationship with a married man.

I am very aware of my marriage vows. I have not gone out of bounds with them. For thiry years I have been totally divoted to a person who has abused our relationship with hidden lies. By the way I left him five months ago, not two. I know I am still married legally but thats all it is is paper work now. I have forgiven my husband for what he has done to my children and me. My kids are old enough to know the difference and even they consider their dad a "player". My children have learned not to tolerate an abusive person in their life and they really would love for me to move on and be happy. My girls are 23,19,18 so they are quite aware of how their dad has been and the affairs he has had. I took care of my husband through three heart proceedures and supported our family through hard times and have been for a very long time. I always thought a marriage was two people who were totally devoted to each other and took care of each other regardless. I had totally devoted my life into my marriage and have been patient and totally faithful. Pleas do not jump to conculsions or assume anything. I have filled my obligation to my marriage to the point even my mother is surprised I'm alive. I am 48 years old and do not take things for granted. I do appriciate your concerns though and I truly know where you all are coming from. Thank you for your views and I will take it slow and see what happens

Sure you have. You're eyeball-deep in an EA with another married man. Call it what it is.

I"m only going on what you've told us.

Really? What 'obligations' have you filled? Isn't one of those to be faithful to your spouse?

Petals, I've been where you are. I am 51 and was married for over 25 years. I have five children who range in age from 24 to 15. My ex-husband lied to me and emotionally abused me for most of the marriage.

Since my separation I have found myself attracted to several men. And with each succeeding one, I can tell that I'm getting better and better at making smart choices. Fortunately, I made the intellectual decision that I could not begin a new relationship until after my divorce was final. If I had not done that, I might now be dating the recovering alcoholic who is 12 years older than I am and of a different religion. Ugh.

As I have been working through recovery from my bad marriage and my divorce, I have met many, many people who are going through a second divorce. All of them jumped into a second marriage too quickly.

Petals, my friend, it takes time to recover from a bad marriage. You aren't there yet.

Actually I am faithful to my vows. My husband is the one who had 5 physical affairs and numerous internet affairs. I'm the one who forgave and took care of him, time after time. So please don't bash me. I am finally taking the big step I should of taken 10 years ago but I tried very hard to make things better with in that time. I don't owe my X anything. My friend knows how I feel about what a marriage should consist of and what vows mean. We have not broken them or steped out of bounds. Instead we are both supporting each other through difficult painful times. We are both ending what should of been a life long commitment but that was taken away from us. We do not talk about meeting, we don't talk about making a future together. Right now we are helping each other try to understand what the H happened. Considering what I have been through I'm glad I can still feel anything especially love. I am glad he has stirred something in side me that I haven't felt for so long and I've realized what time I have wasted being used. Emotionally he has helped me heal and he doesn't even know it. My wedding vows have been laughed at, cheated on, critisized and deceived by my X. Theres nothing like finding another womans underware in your bed. It has taken me a very long time to give up and walk away from my marriage but I cannot do it alone, that is not a marriage. I know the realization of the past 30 years will continue to show it's face but I have to move forward now. I thank you all for your thoughts

...

I'm not trying to be sexist at all. I'm really not. But I have to say that I've noticed more than one woman (including my now-WexW) who seem to feel that a marriage is over when they decide it's over. Not when the judge decides, or the state of Massachusetts, or wherever.
Again, this is just my observation-- I've seen more women do this than men.

I have come to believe that the institution of marriage is PROTECTED by the law that makes it official. Without it, the barriers and boundaries are broken down, blurred, and otherwise meaningless. Heck, without a marriage certificate (written contract, if you will), two people could be married on one day and then not on the next, depending on the whim and fancy of the other person.

"Good morning, honey! Are we married today, or is this one of those days when you've decided you aren't married to me? Or is this one of those days when your confidant is not available so I will be your husband? Or have you decided, at least for now, with no formal decisions or declarations, that you will be seeking guidance from another man about 'what happened' in our marriage?"


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Sometimes I wonder if my WexW regrets seeking counsel from eligible men who could possibly have had ulterior motives instead of just coming to me with her issues, even if only to get validation that the marriage was indeed ending and insolvent.
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opt

I should add to the above that I made the same mistake (and I'm a boy!).
Our court date was in June. As far as I was concerned at that time, I was divorced. Good folks here redirected me and gave me another perspective. I then waited until the date on the paper from the court to even consider dating.
I came to the understanding that had I not waited I would be putting myself squarely in the camp of my now-exWW in terms of developing a relationship (and having certain needs met) while still officially married.
I also now in retrospect can say that by doing so I was leaving myself open to a however miraculous and unfeasable reconciliation right up until the 11th hour of my marriage.
That I'm comfortable with.

opt

I see men doing it, too. In fact I did not accept a Facebook friend request from someone because in public this man says that he is getting a divorce, but on his FB page he listed his status as Divorced.

I wonder if the modern celebrity/media culture makes it more common. They usually start referring to celebrities as being divorced as soon as the initial paperwork is filed. It took over 15 months to complete my divorce, and my WXH and I were separated for 3 months before the divorce was even filed. I considered myself MARRIED until the judge told me I was free.

Petals, I was also in a long marriage where there was massive gaslighting. One of the things about being unloved for so long is that when the feelings come back they are almost overwhelming (and such a huge relief). In my case, it was a newly widowed fellow dog owner in the park who put his arm around me affectionately one day. It almost blew me away. Like you, I said nothing and even when he casually mentioned that his adult daughter was suggesting he start gently dating, I did not respond as I knew there was no way I was ready for that.

Be patient, first you have to learn to love yourself again. There are tons of great men out there.

I was going to respond to this to comment that I've seen spouses of both sexes decide they're no longer married at various times in their marriages and for various self-serving reasons. And then you made the point for me.

It's funny but I'm not the one who ended our marriage. The day my husband made the choice to be with someone else is the day our marriage ended. Last August when I left he told me he would go to counseling to get help with his anger issues. He would get so angry and insult me and the kids and not care who he hurt. Any way we were separated for three weeks, come to find out he was already dating someone and telling our daughter she better get used to her. So much for counseling. Believe me a divorce is the last thing I wanted. I have struggled for so long trying to make our marriage work but again I could not do it alone. I found out how easy it was for him to kick me to the curb without even considering my feelings or our family. I never thought it would end this way. The holidays are tough and definatly different but he has already told our daughter that he's not getting her anything for Christmas; he has money. It just helps me confirm why I left. He is still being cruel. He knows all my christmas orniments (my mother gave me)are in his storage but he has not gotten them for me. He turned off my cell phone which he has to pay for regardless because of the plan but it's amazing how I am paying for medical insurance which is saving him hundreds of dollars a month for his medications and he's having major dental surgery at the end of the month thanks to my dental insurance, which I'm also paying for. He does not support our daughter which actually he should be helping me with her needs but he doesn't. I have come to realize that I can not fix this man or my marriage but it has taken me this long to escape the insanity.

One of the things my new GF (one year this month) says she was most attracted to me about was that I had been separated and waiting for the divorce to go through before I gave her any attention other than professional respect. At the time we worked out of the same office and had at least weekly contact. Likewise, she noticed me, but never approached me as she knew I wasn't divorced yet. When we danced at the Christmas party that December (3 months after the D was final) and I disclosed that I always thought she was attractive and hoped she would go out with me, that's when the fireworks flew. None of that would have happened without MB.

This was after the court date mentioned above (and a brow-beating by some folks here). So, if I had flirted with her under the mentality of "I'm as good as divorced..." she would have been repulsed and now I would not be in the most loving and caring MB-based relationship.

opt

You've got yourself one classy lady, there, opt. Thanks for sharing this. I can think of a number of posters who could benefit by reading it.

Thanks Opt,

15 days and counting to my free agency !!!!

SC

I want to thank you for all your help. I have definatly gotten my head out of the clouds and I plan on keeping my feet on the ground. I am waiting until my divorce is final and give myself some me time. I will still continue to keep in contact with my friend (he lives 2000 miles away) and just see how it goes. I do respect his life also and knowing what he has gone through he is going to need some time as well so right now I'll just cherish my new frienship and see where it goes in time. I did not stay with X for 30 years to ruin MY vows; they still mean a lot to me.
Thank you