I know I should'nt be looking this far ahead, but I'm a planner. What is after Plan B? I'm scared. I have never dated before, except for my H. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have any goals. We need to have another board for AFTER PLAN B.

Kate, <P>Well, I spent last night discussing this same thing with my young adult kids! The things I worry about are FINDING single guys, first. Ane then once I find them, what the heck to DO with them!!!<P>I am NOT looking at this time, but like you am thinking ahead, My H has said he wants a D and is really knee deep with the OW. So, I have to think about the future of being without him, even though that is not what i would choose, if I was in charge!<P>I also worry about sex on dates (different from last time I was single!)and AIDs among other things.<P>My friends all tell me not to worry so much. If I find another guy my age (44) or older than me, cances are he will be worrying too!<P>SOOOO, while I am thinking ahead, I try not ot dwell on it too much. The good Lord has always looked out for me. Even in these trying times, He is helping me to cope with the unbearable. <P>Keep the faith and work on your own inner strength. They will carry you in other tough times in your life...<P>Roll Me Away

Kate,<BR> Well,we could start up a dating club for for all the "after plan B'rs".The only problem would be that nobody would trust anybody.But,you know,you shouldn't even be thinking about dating right now.I have heard that it's best to stay out of relationships after divorce,and just take care of yourself for a while.Do some things you couldn't do when you were married,travel with some friends,take some classes.That's what I been doing since my W left to be with her boy-toy.I know it's hard,but sometimes you just have to go through the motions.You can't just curl up and die,you have to move on.No,you won't have a clue what to do with your life,but it will come in time.I haven't even thought about"dating",but I think the hardest thing for a person who's been betrayed is having sex again with somebody new.I been married for 22 years,and I can't even comprehend it.Unfortunately,my W comprehended it just fine! --Murph

Kate31 I think about it also, and it scares me to death. I am also one of those people who thinks about the future and how I will deal with it. I think I think about it because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am not sure what is going to happen with my marriage, if I had anything to do with it, H would be with me. But at this point the ball is in his court and I don't know what he is going to do with it. So ever once in awhile a thought will pop in my head how do I not be alone. I don't even know how to meet men. I think I have led a very sheltered life, but I know where I won't meet them. And I am a lot older then most of you. O'well see all the things I think of. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I thought about this a lot...was in Plan A for 1 1/2 yrs. Plan B for 3 months...It was a very difficult decision for me to goto Plan B, since I felt it would push him to her since he had nothing here. But what I realized is that I am an ok person. What happened certainly had a lot to do with me, but I admitted my responsibility in the way our marriage was and this affair was a real eye opener for me..if I wanted my marriage, I had to change. I felt I did that, but he could not. Whatever the attracton was, it was stronger than his love for me and the family. During Plan A, my feelings changed for him. First it was extreme hurt and despair, realizing how much I did love him, despiration, wanting to keep my marriage and our family together, then it was introspection, what had happened, how we could change,wanting to change to keep our life together... etc. then after repeated lies and deciet from him , it was anger, pain and little by little my love started dying for him...........I finally went to plan B because I was losing myself in all of this. And, for me, I was falling out of love for him completely. I couldn't even look at him anymore with a good feeling in my heart. And, if nothing else, I wanted us to be at least friends in all of this for our kids' sake. So, for me, Plan B was my exit out. But if I hadn't gone through the 11/2 yrs of Plan A, I would always wonder if we ould still make it. Life does go on....I have started dating now, not so bad, actually your friends are a great support. And I know someday I will find someone to share my life with. But for me, it was not my H. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P>

Thank you all and especially Sue. Your insight was very helpful. I love this board for all its encouragement, but I think I felt I would let down the rules of the board by saying that perhaps my H wasn't worth trying to save. Sometimes people keep saying "there's always hope", but all I keep seeing is my H's lies that he continues to say to me and the family.

Kate,<P>Please don't feel that letting your H go for whatever reason excludes you from the purpose of this forum. It's not only about building marriages - Plan B is for you right ? And after B, there is plan U. <P>Most of us who let the marriage go also let this forum go, but I think it's important to discuss these issues here as well. <P>I find this group very helpful with isuues of trust, anger and dating long after the marriage is over. Recovery from infidelity takes many forms and does not always have to be marital recovery.<P>My first marriage ended over infidelity after a sort of plan A, plan B, therapy and MANY months attempting to recover. When it happened again with H #2 I found this forum. I closed the book on him immediately because there was no way I would ever do the infidelity dance again. Ten years down the road from marriage #1 I can honestly say that the feeling of having tried my best is useless to me!! I feel I wasted my time and life energy and was not willing to do it again. I saw the recovery pain going on here and knew it wasn't for me. I was an MB failure after about a week! <P>With or without your H it's healthy to have personal goals and a life not built around a man. Cliche as it is, you WILL find yourself, and when you do, don't ever give her up !!<BR>I own a business I am proud of, do web pages, have hobbies, friends and family .... all for me!<P>However, I desire to share my life and self with a person of the male kind and so ...<BR>I found a great man after all this crap I went through and it looks like we'll get married in December. I didn't know how to act with him and I took out lots of anger and trust things on him. I learned here how to get rid of that stuff. He read this forum to understand my "insanity". And, we have made love (lots)... You CAN do it. <P>I NEVER let fear stop me and I am one scared person. I just keep doing things even though I'm afraid when I'm doing it.<P>Once you "find yourself" you will have joy and love to offer ... be that to your H or someone else. Whatever you decide, you'll make it. You'll remember writing these words you wrote and hug yourself with the joy of being yourself. <P>I think I've been out of shock for quite a while now ... so excuse the name.

Kate, <BR>I think we all find out a lot about ourselves and our relationships when we go through something like this....depending on how much your marriage means to you and whether the other spouse becomes truly remorseful for the infidelity and wants to earn our trust back...I believe that if we have feelings for our spouses, we owe our family, our children, and ourselves to try to recapture what made us love each other in the first place. It is not easy, I know I made mistakes along the way, and I truly think that if my H had been willing to want our marriageas much as I did, we would have survived this. But it does take two, despite some of the books out there now who say one person can make a marriage. In the case of infidelity, there has to be and end to the OP, complete and without loking back to that person when things get tough. If your H is willing to do that, and you still care, I believe you can regain the true love you felt for oneanother, as well as the passion. But as long as there is another person in the relationship, it will never work. A marriage is two people, not three, or four as it often gets. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P>