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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1 |
Hello.
Last edited by distressedinnc; 12/27/11 08:56 AM.
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651 |
You had an emotional affair. That is a horrible betrayal.
Additionally, you are a victim of domestic violence. Did you get a restraining order? In my opinion, you should consider yourself lucky that you never married this man and move on.
Last edited by Kirby; 12/26/11 04:41 PM.
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
Hi All-
I am new to MarriageBuilders and wanted to get your take on my situation. I have been with my fiance for almost three and a half years- we were engaged to be married in June 2012 until Friday.
Although many of the aspects of our relationship were absolutely wonderful, the stress of the upcoming wedding, some intimacy issues in the bedroom, and some problems with in-laws all contributed to the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
We live together, have a dog together, and everything you could ever want.
There was a mutual friend of ours who made a move on me and although I resisted the physical attempt, he pursued me through texting and we began a week long sexting affair where I sent him pictures.
We were at my fiance's family's house for Christmas on Friday when my fiance went through my phone and saw everything.
He immediately ran out of the houe, began calling my family, his family, and our friends to tell them what haopened but never talked to me about it.
We finally went back inside his family's house where he told me he wanted the ring back and pushed me down on the ground, hit me and bit me, and forced the ring off my finger.
He and his family kicked me out of the house and left me out in the cold to find a way to get somewhere for the holidays- I did not have my car with me.
I felt awful- how could I do something like this to the man I love? It makes me absoluitely sick to my stomach to think I have messed everything up.
He will not take my texts or calls or my family's calls and I do not know what to do because we live together.
He is so upset that I betrayed him and he wants nothing to do with me
and I need your help because I am dying to know what to do for him at this point,
is there any chance in repairing our relationship, and how can I get him to at least talk to me? Distress Funny-Close to the same situstion happened to me in about 1980. When I get back to answering my then GF with the phone calls and such she made to me I will have some advice to pass on to you. Thank God he found out who you ARE before you tied the knot. nESRE
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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distressed,
I'm not going to get into the physical-abuse aspect of this, other than to say that there are some guys who think it's OK to get rough with a woman, and some who don't. That's a sort of boundary issue on his part; it's not something you can fix for him.
First, one thing you can & should do is, forget this relationship. Figuratively-speaking, it is like a pair of mountain-climbers, standing at the foot of a mountain, ready to start a climb together, with all their climbing-gear strapped on -- and with a refrigerator chained to their ankles. Most marriages start up the mountain with a rush of momentum & goodwill. But not you guys. The chances that you'll ever make it to the top of the mountain are remote, and it's more likely that one or both of you will be grievously hurt before long. It's wrecked. Get your belongings. Flip a coin for custody of the dog & be very thankful that it's not a child. Move on, and be glad that you can learn from this experience while you're still young.
And what should you be learning?
I think the most important lesson for you to learn is that you have a fundamental boundary shortcoming of your own, which you must fix if you are ever to be able to have a successful, long-term relationship with a man. The issue is this: You apparently think that it's OK to have close friendships with people of the opposite sex in addition to your fiance (or future spouse). That's your problem. (Not your would-be in-laws. Not "intimacy issues." Not any other excuse you might put out there in order to partially duck responsibility for choices that you made freely, with nobody holding any gun to your head or otherwise forcing you to choose a certain way.)
Where did you learn that it's OK to have close opposite-sex friendships with people other than your supposed life partner?
This is a popularly-held belief -- and it is as wrong as can be. It sometimes works on TV and in the movies -- sitcoms and light-beer commercials, and other such places -- but not in reality. In real-life, it leads to affairs. As I learned the hard way myself.
It's a lesson that you must learn as well. When people take traditional wedding vows, there's a phrase in there, "...forsaking all others..." It's so traditional/familiar that I suppose most of us either forget about it, or just overlook it, or perhaps even dismiss it, thinking it uncool, outmoded or trite. But it's there for a very serious & consequential purpose. It means & signifies something extremely important.
Please learn this lesson now, distressed. It'll save you (as well as those whom you one day will profess to love) from lots more heartache in the future. Does that make sense to you?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He will not take my texts or calls or my family's calls and I do not know what to do because we live together. He is so upset that I betrayed him and he wants nothing to do with me and I need your help because I am dying to know what to do for him at this point, is there any chance in repairing our relationship, and how can I get him to at least talk to me? I would consider this relationship wrecked and move on. It's not just the fact that you were dishonest to your fiance, but that you caused enormous damage to your relationship by shacking up. People who live together typically do have the most abusive relationships and the bad habits learned by shacking up carry right into marriage. People who live together before marriage have an 85% divorce rate. My suggestion is to find a new place to live and move on. Sorry. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
"This is Capt. Smith. My ship, the Titanic, just hit an iceberg and sank!
I think I want to raise it and continue to New York. How can you help me?"
"Capt. Smith, the only way you will reach New York is in another vessel."
Some things cannot be undone. The only thing to do is accept the lesson and move on. Listen to the posters here, and waste no more time on this situation. (He BIT you?)
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