I have been reading many of the articles in the MB site.. All have been very helpful in understanding my situation.

I want to start.. I truly Love my Wife.. She is my world. I cannot imagine anyone better for me than her.

We have been together now for 11 years married for almost 3. We have a 10 yr old girl. 6 yr old girl and a 4 yr old son. I am 36 she is 35

I have always had a problem with Video games. But I still took care of my family well.. about 3 years ago. I lost my mother do to an unforseen circumstance and had to make the dicision to terminate life support. Within the same year repeated with my father. Both I had to pay to bury. Also I my carreer is in the mortgage industry and I am sure most is aware of how that went and is going. I have never been one that allowed people to know when I was down. With being in financial peril also. I was not only depressed about losing my mother and father.. but becoming very guilty about struggling to provide a life for my family. We became prisoners to our home not able to afford to do anything but pay bill.. We even had to ration trips into town due to cost of gas. Afraid to allow my wife to help me ( and she was there with her whole heart and soul ) I withdrew so far into the addiction to video game I became someone that I am not proud to admit. Looking back I see clearly the neglect, the irritation I had and really how difficult I was to live with. I fell into a phase of blaming everyone but myself for the continued growing problems we were having.. Financial and Life in general. I had a great relationship with her father.. He would come visit almost every other month. Things got so bad I could barely talk with him or handle him here because I could feel the air of disapointment. For id say the last 7 months. My guilt for the time I spent playing games was growing.. I loved when my wife game home.. but the look of sadness when she saw me at the computer playing instead of working was killing me. Tension was High.. about 4 months ago I began going downstairs after my wife would fall asleep and Id sit on the couch crying because i was sick of living life the way were were.. I hated that I could not take my daughter to the zoo for her birthday. I would wake up every morning and run down the list I will get this done before Id play.. and low and behold my motivation for doing that would turn to ok ill play one game then get to work.. then next thing i would know my wife was walking through the door. Dissapointed again. About 5 weeks ago My wife went out with the girls.. ( something I am never a fan of because the level of out of control was always so high..) After she left I sat down and watched a movie with someone that is staying with us. After the movie they went to bed. I went to my computer to play.. but for the first time.. I couldnt.. I felt so guilty and I just didnt want my wife to come home and see me playing. Well. 3 am came along my wife was not home yet.. I called her.. she was at an after party... We got into an argument.. I spent all night outside ( 30degrees) crying and calling out to God.. Why is this world doing this to me?.. Something clicked.. something my wife had been saying to me along time You always blame everyone else but never want to blame yourself. When my wife finally came home.. She slowly came up stairs.. when ever she came home from ladies night.. the fights were never good. but this time I was actually very calm.. I appologized for the neglect that I know that I had been showing her.. I told her that I was done playing and that I was going to stand up and quit feeling sorry for myself and start doing my job and provide a life for my family. She confessed that she kissed another man. She said that she does not know if she can forgive me.. and that she may have given all that she could.

We slept because we had both been up very late. I woke first and proceeded to my computer. I deleted everything from it. Every game. Even the face book apps. I proceeded to bag up every game.. in which my 6 year old broke my heart by saying.. but daddy how will you play your games ..?? i like to watch you play them.. I said to her.. wouldnt you rather me get off the computer and play with you? She had the biggest smile on her face.. and asked You want to do that?..

It has been about 6 weeks I havent played a game.. have no desire to play. I have lost 70 pounds as well. because I also allowed myself grow to 330 lbs something that also added to my depression. I am determined to get back into shape in all aspects. I have been showering my family with attention and love.

My wife is struggling with the change.. She also has admitted that it was more than a kiss.. that she has developed feelings for this man. A tudor at her college that she started going to for help.. ( 25 years old) She says that there are two questions that she cant answer for herself.. 1) Why it took her not coming home to make me quit.. ( she does not believe how close i was to doing this anyway) And 2) how she can know the next slump I will not fall back into that. I tell her that because I love her.. I love my kids.. and I dont want to lose them. I tell her that I have opened my eyes. and I realize that my family will get me through the hard times. The games only let me avoid dealing with them. I have put alot of pressure on her to give me the chance to prove it which only pushes her to run off to this guy. My wife is someone that knows and if you try to convince her she will retreat to the opposite.. But With so much at stake Its hard for me to not fight. This last month has been very tough.. But I am staying commited to my goals. I managed to get money enough to provide christmas for our kids.. And I am changing jobs ( one that she knows I hate but I know I can make good money at it fast to get us out of this hole.)

The sad thing is.. I understand my part in leading us down this path. She is becoming someone that she would dispise. It is almost like we have switched. Now instead of dealing she goes off to him. Even to the point where she is spending very little time with her kids. I pointed that out which ended up with her getting mad and going to his house. She says she wants me to leave when she gets angry. She says she is tired of feeling guilty.. and puts that on me as the source. She has been very nausiated lately.. She says that she does not love me but even her friends deny that when they see her hug me. Plus when you are connected with someone you can tell.. I know she is afraid, and very hurt.

So this is where support would be helpful. one hand she says that she does not love me anymore and wants me to leave.. then she talks to me about future plans. She says that she does not know that I can make her happy but we do have fun we laugh and play together then she pauses withdraws goes up stairs calls him then comes back a bit more distant. She does not want to put the kids through the pain of me leaving.. Something that I do not think she really understands how devestating it will be to them. My girls are very Very daddys girls.

The odd thing is.. and another thing that she is having a hard time with.. I really am not angry about the affair ( I am hurt but not angry) I know my part in this. I have every desire to meet her emotional needs.. its not work its truly what makes me happy. She can not take care of the home on her own. So me leaving really isnt a viable option. I dont want to leave. I know that once this guy is gone She will see that the changes I have made are real. I know that she will develop those feelings for me again once this guy is gone. And I know that after recovery I will not ever have to worry again as long as I stay true to myself.

Now .. i am not making these changes just to save my marraige. I was not happy with the man i was becoming. I can not be happy with my self unless I am true to myself and become the man I am meant to be.

So the odds are that after the holidays she is going to ask me for a divorce. ( but she still says I dont know if I can make her happy.. and giving me that chance is a huge risk.)

I dont want to leave.. But I will if she insists. I asked her a few days ago.. ( And Alot of the problem with us getting on reconciliation path is I ask and try to convince to much). I asked Let me stay.. So that I can focus on work and getting our family back to being able to live. And Let me Pursue you. ( something I know that this guy has to be gone first before it would be effective.) I have made the decision to leave it alone now and focus on the kids and work and my work on myself. and will wait. I know she knows what is right.

One thing that maybe a female perspective would help.. She says leave me alone give me space quit trying to be arround me. But then when I pretty much avoid her all day she starts following me around and doing the where you going what are you doing rutine.. And tonight.. after she lied to our kids to go and see him. She stoped to kiss me.. ( first time she has kissed me in several weeks. ((she has allowed me to kiss her a few times))).. Dont know .. frustrating.. I think that is alot of the details. Your thoughts.

Hi TeEstimo, welcome to Marriage Builders. From my female perspective, it appears that you don't care very much. You have a very complacent approach about her affair which makes me wonder if you love HER. I know if I were having an affair and rubbing it in my husband's nose, he would do something about it. He would fight for our marriage. [I hope]

A complacent approach not only makes it look like you don't care very much but only serves to ENABLE the affair. The longer you enable the affair, the greater the risk that she will move you out and replace you with the OM. The affair grows more and more entrenched every day.

It will take a much more pro-active approach on your part to save this marriage. And you will need to start by running this b*stard off. You are losing you marriage to him by not defending your marriage and your children's family.

You can't make her happy as long as she is in an active affair with this loser. She is in love with someone else, so you are competing with a fantasy. If you want to win you are going to have to start competing and run this scumbag off.

Oh No I am willing for fight.. However the problem is.. Everytime I have she goes to him. I know my wifes personality. I know she knows this is wrong.. Its eating at her. But If I try to convince her she will do the opposite.. Its a tough thing. Her friends dont support it. Her father ( who is coming to stay with us for a week) lets her know how disapointed he is in it. And that no matter the situation he will never meet this guy. So I am in a tough spot. I can call the college and let them know that a tudor has violated the moral ethics code.. I could beat him down. But in the end.. that would be handing him the golden ticket. That is just the way my wife works. Literally Every time its brought up that is when she goes to him. He is her way to not deal with it. Right now he only fulfils making her feel pretty and wanted. When it gets down to it she knows that this college kid cant support her family. That is how I win. She wont see my affection and adoration until he is gone. But until she choses he will not be removed. If I withdraw It will piss her off. because right now he is a tool to hurt me. Bottom line my only hope is for her to have confidence that the changes I have made are real.

I have spoken to him. She thinks he cares.. but from the words he has said i know she is just a conquest for him. "you keep breaking her ill keep picking up the peices" ,, "I am just rolling with it and having a good time"... And when I asked him To back off even for a few weeks so that my wife could have the time to sort things out and try to protect our children from unneeded devestatin... "Hey man,, that is none of my concern" Something that If my wife knew he said would be the end of it as it is. The problem is She does not realize that its not just me that she is hurting.. She doesnt see ( because she is gone alot ) how much my kids are being affected even though they dont know what she is doing...

So with that being known.. How do I run him off? With out pushing her to him more?

So with that how can I run this guy off?

While there are no guarantees, you have an excellent chance of saving your marriage from this affair if you can follow a plan and run this guy off.

It is very likely this OM can be easily run off because he is not going to pursue a future with some middle aged woman with 4 kids. She is just a cheap piece of fun on the side to him and I predict he will run like dog the second you cause trouble in his life. Not only is he likely to take on all that mess, but he is sure not going to bring some married woman and all her kids home to momma. See, there is no future here. He is just having a little fun.

And you can use that to your advantage. The second you start causing trouble for him, he will be gone, I assure you. Affairs thrive on secrecy and that is this case is no different. I would expose this affair wide and far. Expose to the OM's parents, the college human resources board, your parents, her parents, close friends, family and most especially your kids. Exposure will ruin this affair because there will be many people talking to the affairees. Not only that, but your W's plans for a future with this guy will be destroyed. She won't be able to darken their doorstep as long as they know she is a married woman.

That is where I would start. And I would then DEMAND that your wife end all contact this scumbag for life or this will lead to divorce. She will be much less likely to take you up on that once you have ruined her future hopes with him by exposure.

I mean believe me I know there is no hope with him in the picture.. Her father knows this too.. I am hoping when he is down here He helps alot in this department. ( which he is telling me he is intending..) .. He is another hard part of the equation because 6 months ago he told her that if she wasnt happy to leave.. I called him the day I deleted all my games and appologized to him.. and laid out my game plan of providing security and a life for my family. My wife is confused because He now tells her that He trusts that I am real and that She now should fight for her family....

With a nuclear exposure. Go read the thread in the link in my signature to get ideas for a PLAN of ATTACK. This guy will be easy to run off. He is not going to risk too much over this affair.

Does this loser have a facebook page?

Her father wants me to call the college .. And you are suggesting that I let my kids know where she is really going when she says she is going to someone they know's house?

I cannot find one

It is more effective to notify the college in writing. You should let any children over the age of 4 know that their mother is in adulterous affair with a bad man. And if she goes off to see this pig, you most certainly tell the kids. Don't allow her to lie to the kids to cover up her crimes. She is destroying their family and they have every right to know what she is doing.

But I would do all these exposures in the SAME DAY. You want it to hit like a tsunami if you can. You want the OM's parents, friends and family and employer all calling him on the same day asking why he is doing a married woman with 4 children.

Does your wife have a facebook page? Is he her friend? Does he live with his parents?

oop just found it..

Please copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc and put them in a safe place. Do you see his parents?

Yes she does have a page and no they are not friends on facebook.

Did you find his facebook page?

Yes.

I bet he has a girlfriend..

I wouldnt be surprised if he does.

Ill admit this approach really scares me. I mean I know how my wifes reaction is going to be. This is the hard part.. I know that if this guy is gone she will start to think.. Yeah we had some pretty rough times in the last few years... but There are still alot of good. But she cant see any of those because seeing just the bad helps justify what she is doing...