I think it comes down to a problem with implementing POJA. Ww refuses any kind of councilling or even reading about fixing relationships. Instead I have explained to her the principles of POJA so that we can help with recovering a good relationship. She says she's fine with that but in reality, there is no leeway, no negotiation. �
Decisions are to be made considering each other's feelings.
POJA forces you to be considerate especially when you don't feel like it
OK .... you've asked THE question "How would you feel about ...."
and this gets negotiation started ... and you realize the goal is enthusiastic agreement ... how do you arrive at that goal?
Guidelines for POJAGuideline 1Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.
...Ground Rule 1 Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations.
...Ground Rule 2 Put safety first. Don't make demands, show disrespect, or become angry when you negotiate, even if your partner makes demands, shows disrespect, or becomes angry with you.
...Ground Rule 3 If you reach an impasse and don't seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect, or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later.
~~~> In other words, do not succumb to the temptations of your Taker <~~~
Guideline 2Identify the problem from both perspectives.
Very important point Harley makes ~~~> Most couples try to resolve a conflict without doing their homework. They don't fully understand the conflict itself, nor do they understand each other's perspectives. In many cases, they are not even sure what they really want or what they are enthusiastically willing to give.
Harley says
Respect is the key in this phase of negotiation.
It is extremely important to avoid trying to straighten each other out.
(~~~> OK .... anyone guilty of this raise your hand <~~~ *my hand is up*)
Guideline 3Brainstorm with abandon
This is the creative part.
Look for mutually agreeable areas that will create compatability.
The goal is to please both of you.
Harley says
The secret to understanding your partner is to think like your partner's Taker thinks.
It's easy to appeal to your partner's Giver ~~~> if she really loves me, she'll let me do this. BUT, lasting peace must be forged with your partner's Taker, so your solutions must appeal to your partner's most selfish instincts. At the same time they must also appeal to your most selfish instincts.
VERY IMPORTANT POINT HERE***Resist one type of solution that your Giver and Taker may suggest --- the I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time solution <~~~ That's the RENTER'S SOLUTION that encourages you to alternate sacrificing for each other.
POJA
What about addiction?
And,
Guideline 4
Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy Of Joint Agreement --Mutual and enthusiastic agreement
~~~> regarding addiction <~~~
"But what can you do if you have agreed to follow the POJA, tried to negotiate for a mutually enthusiastic solution, and yet you or your partner keep behaving in a way that is objectionable to the other? This kind of thoughtless behavior may turn out to be an addiction "
"If one of you struggles with an addiction, you will find that the POJA simply cannot be followed until you have overcome the addiction."
"So if you have tried to follow my advice but can't seem to negotiate with each other regardless of how hard you try, addiction may be the culprit."
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POJA ... "It's not working" Taken from the concepts part of MB site .....
Quote Dr Harley:
The Policy of Radical Honesty
"Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future.
To help explain this policy, I have broken it down into four parts:
1. EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior.
2. HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.
3. CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
4. FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. "
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Know what strikes me right off the bat looking at this list?
...Radical Honesty pretty much knocks conflict avoiders out !!! Which brings me to a question ....emotional honesty ... I don't think a couple can be successful in POJA negotiations without emotional honesty.
How can one POJA with an emotionally dishonest partner?
.... lest we forget ... a conflict avoider is emotionally dishonest ...
REMEMBER THE QUESTION THAT OPENS POJA
How would you feel about this .....
From this site regarding emotional honesty
Quote Dr Harley:
"And finally, in order to make the best decisions, you must be radically honest with each other about your emotional reactions to the changes in your lives. The best decisions take the emotional reactions of both of you into account simultaneously, but without an honest expression of those reactions, you will be missing the target.
While some couples may fail to make a successful adjustment after feelings are honestly explained, failure is almost guaranteed when the need for adjustment is never communicated. Always take each other's complains seriously. As I mentioned earlier, your emotional reactions are a gauge of whether you are making a good adjustment to each other. If you both feel good, you need no adjustment. If one or both of you feel bad, a change is indicated. "
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