My husband slept with a friend of ours the end of August. It took him a week to tell me about it and in that week he barely ate. The day that he told me I had to work with this other woman so it was rough having everyone know my business. He had told me at first that he wanted to work on things we do have a two year old together but he has continued to see her. Her family made her move out of state in hopes of ending this but my husband racked up a massive credit card bill to go and see her. In th mean time he had lost a decent job because he had been going out and drinking and was unemployed for a month that I had to support him. I know that this can work if he would be willing to leave this other girl but he won't even tell me what problems we had in our marriage that made him make this decision. I feel like he almost feels that I could not and should not be able to forgive him but I can. He has been ruining his relationship with his son by continuously choosing this girl over him. I'm running out of ideas because from what I hear the girl is already starting to get annoyed with him being possessive over her but she has a history of sleeping around and he knows it first hand from the stories she used to tell. He has filed for divorce and is acting like he just wants no responsibility I'm just lost and confused and wondering just how long I should hold on because even his mother who divorced his father for an affair is disgusted with him. Should I just keep having hope even though it seems my husband has totally regressed in his maturity? I have decided that my ultimate choice will be my family and him and my son are my family and I want to fight for that. Should I contact that other girl or would that just cause problems? Any suggestions?

Hi HFL, welcome to Marriage Builders. Does everyone know about the affair, ie: his parents, your parents, the OW's parents, your children?

Does your husband have a drinking problem?

Are you married? How long married? How many children?

We have been together for 5 years married for 2 and we have one child. He never had a drinking problem until he started seeing her but there is alcoholism on both sides of his family. His whole family is disgusted with him and he has pretty much quit talking to his own family. Her family is also disgusted with the situation they wouldn't let him stay in the house when he went to visit and for that I was thankful but we had no credit card debit until he took this trip and he always took pride in such. I just don't understand any of it.

Hope, I would consider going into Plan B. What he is doing is extremely abusive and will cause you enormous emotional and physical pain.

Have you spoken to her family yourself? And would your MIL be willing to call the OW and tell her she will never be welcome in her family? I would be willing to do this if it were my son. We have had many parents kills affairs when they stepped in.

Check out these links and I will be back later:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Well my husband has moved out and I believe that he is trying to get the OW to move in with him. I have tried to get him to tell me what we had lost in our marriage and he has no answers. I even asked if he wanted to put a ring on her finger and his response was a quick resounding no. He told me he never wants to get married again. I think that he feels that I should not be able to forgive him for this and because of that he couldn't face himself so he ran to her. They both know that their families do not support them in any of this. He has cut himself off from all friends that are in a sense on my side and his family and she has cut herself off from most of her family as well. He had been willing to reconcile at first but I don't think he knew how to take my willingness to love and forgive. He is claiming to no longer believe in God and is barely even speaking to me about wanting to see his son. His failure to be a father is my main concern even 2 weeks before he decided to take his trip he told me a divorce is not what he desired but his mind changed again. I want so badly to tell this girl that she is truly half responsible for tearing apart a family but I am too afraid that it would only make more problems between my husband and I. I mean she even watched our son so we could go out on our anniversary just 2 months before this had all happened. I am trying to hold on and think of my family first but everyone keeps telling me that he just wants out and doesn't want responsibility which I think is th main reason he is with her because she has none.

Hopefateluv-

I'm pretty much a newbie here so what I can't and won't do is offer advice. What I can offer is support and prayers. Don't for one second think that your situation is beyond repair. It may seem like it right now, but it isn't by a long shot. You already have the best that MB has to offer engaged into your problem (Melody), so you're in good hands right now. Pretty sure some of the other MB warriors will be jumping in as well. The support and advice you are getting ready to receive here will be invaluable. You may not appreciate a lot of it initially, but believe me, you will one day soon.

Okay, I lied a little. I said I wouldn't be offering advice. Well, I'm going to now. A lot of what they are going to tell you to do may seem counter intuitive. Don't fight them. A lot of what they stress you have to do, you won't want to. Don't fight them. To quote NIKE..Just Do It !!!

Listen and really think about the dynamics of what they are saying. Everyone that is here is here for a good reason...a very, VERY bad experience in their own lives. The worst a spouse can go through. Keep in mind, everyone here on this board is a "been there done that kind of person". They aren't here because they get paid to. They are here because they truly care about YOU and others in stiches like yours. Keep that in mind.

You ARE in good hands here. Just follow their counsel without deviation. If I had known about ths place when my problems occured, I probably would not be alone now. Remember that as well.

My D-day was 6 days before Christmas 2003. I know how you are feeling right now, and my heart is breaking for you, which is why I'm posting to you.

I wish there was more I could do to alleviate your pain.

Again, listen to what the warriors tell you to do.

THEN DO IT!!!

Wes

Thank you so much my husband has just started giving me verb wrap abuse and what sucks most is my family has been trying to get me to take him for everything but my heart somehow keeps telling me to hold on. I'm trying my hardest but he just doesn't want to be married but has no reason. Maybe I should stop asking for one that was the only "demand" that I was making I have done nothing but try to compromise but his relationship with her is based on lies too he slept with me 2 weeks before he went to see her and has failed to tell her. I have been betrayed by both of them I called her my friend and was even nice to her after I found out because we had to work together she told me she hoped everything worked out well for me when her family sent her to live with her sister. I didn't know she had continued to sleep with my husband. I have even tried to get him to tell me what needs of his I wasn't meeting but he won't he can't face me because I don't think he can face what he did with me or he is to caught up in the moment. I'm sorry for lack of structure in all these I don't have Internet at home so I'm doing this all on my phone but I know I need help I want a family for my son because he is the most important one with the most to lose and he doesn't have a say in all of this. I do feel that my husband is acting like an addict he's def addicted to his affair. He came home for Christmas to be with his son then just slept on the couch with his whole family here what a joke he has made of himself. He's hurting our son more than he realizes and I don't know how to get through to him he's even cut hisself off from any of his friends that will tell him he is wrong.

Hopefateluv, at the moment he IS lost in the addiction! And that's really all it is. That's why this addiction must be obliterated. You cannot cure an addiction without separating the addict from the addiction. It's that simple really.

But how to do it is a little tougher than saying it's "just" an addiction. You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want this to end the way you seem to want it to.

Like I said, hang in there for a while. It's one day after Christmas and a lot of the vets are enjoying their time with their recovered families. I can assure you, they will be here to help guide you through this.

I feel your pain and I'm hurting for you. Hang in there hon.

hopefateluv, did you read my post?

I want my husband and my family back more than anything and I have already told him I am putting up a fight. They are both being shunned by their families and that hasn't been enough to wake them up. I'm running out of ideas and it's so hard to seperate an addict with all the social media we have today. I think I might have messed up by telling her that she is half responsible for this but I had almost given up but you're giving me new hope so thank you I am going to work through this and I know there is a chance not the best one but it can happen right and I have to look at even a small chance as something.

Hope, I would consider going into Plan B. What he is doing is extremely abusive and will cause you enormous emotional and physical pain.

Have you spoken to her family yourself? And would your MIL be willing to call the OW and tell her she will never be welcome in her family? I would be willing to do this if it were my son. We have had many parents kills affairs when they stepped in.

Check out these links and I will be back later:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

I did read your post and I'm trying to gather my strength together to face plan B. I know I can do this and I am not going down without a fight I just have to write out my plan of action. Thank you so much for sending me to that I think it was the third time I read it but I still need to read it again and then start living it.

Hope, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that as soon as you can.

In the meantime, I would start making plans to cut off ALL contact with him and start writing a Plan B letter. I know you want to save your marriage. Plan B is not designed to save your marriage but the worst thing you can do for the future of your marriage is stay in contact with him. In many ways, allowing him to continue to contact you keeps his affair propped up because he thinks you have no conditions and will continue to sit on the sidelines waiting for him. Plan B allows you to set the conditions and take back control of your life.

I will post the Plan B letter next. Start working on that and then post it so we can give you feedback.

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

send a copy of the letter to the OW with a note along these lines:

Pg 81
Dear Skankyhola, I love WS with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

hopefateluv, welcome to marriagebuilders, sorry you are here....

I have a wayward spouse (wife) that i have been dealing with for four months so I understand you pain. it has truly been the most devastating experience of my life. i have two daughters who are 8 and 2.

from reading your post it sounds like you and your husband have more holding you together than pulling you apart (you have a child and you have strong family support). it may not seem like that now but with time it is a good chance he will come around. unfortunately, it does take time. please read the plan A and B post Mel points you to multiple times. its extremely important that you understand them. Ask questions here if you do not understand or have questions about something specific.

stay strong for your son. you are not alone.

Ok so my biggest problem is going to be finding an IM also I am not readily available to e-mail so would Facebook work? Also I don't know my husbands e-mail. I'm going to start working on my love letter today sorry I didn't check the second link til just now. Like I mentioned I am on my phone.

Also should I send the love letter in the mail and how would I go about sending her one she lives in the same house now. Also I have filed for child support and have that hearing coming up in Jan. I'm trying my best to explain to my family where my thoughts are but all they can see is the pain my WS has caused me. Yes I do have the His Needs Her Needs book my pastor gave it to me when everything happened. Also I told my husband I would prefer our son not to be around the OW right now was that a bad idea it upset him and made him lash out about it working both ways if I would date someone. I wasn't planning on taking our son around anyone for a long time in the first place but still...

Also he has files for a divorce and I have spoken to a lawyer and told him I don't want a divorce. I have been talking to his old pastor as well as mine and I've joined a bible study with women. My husband is telling me that he no longer believes in God so I am trying to leave religion out of things I say to him.

I have been in contact with the OW sister and she said she told them both she was on my side. I don't think that having my MIL tell the OW she's not welcome would matter to them they don't care about anyone else at all right now.

Hope, I would find an IM who will agree to be neutral and who will only pass on PERTINENT information via email. Can you have someone drop off the Plan B letters at the OW's house?


Tell your attorney about your Plan B and tell her/him that you need him to represent you at the hearing. You DO have an attorney, right?


The book you need is Surviving an Affair.


Your son should not be around the OW EVER. Have your attorney put that in your custody papers. I would let your husband know TODAY that your son cannot be exposed to his affair. Call your husband today and tell him you are trying to work out a schedule that works for you both but let him know he cannot take your child to the OW's house. SHE IS AN UNFIT ADULT. So he can either pick the child up at your house or see him at some relatives.

Does your H live with the OW?


That is wise. He is in a fallen state right now.


I think it would make a difference. Will she call her?

I have ordered the book you suggested there was no place on my area that had it in stock so I will be reading it as soon as I get it. I am trying to find an IM but no success most don't want to be involved. I'm also seeing a counselor weekly to help me cope some days are better than others and I'm trying my best to focus on the good ones. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction and I am sorry for being confusing at times my thinking is very muddled right now as to be expected.

I don't know if they could take my MIL seriously she had an affair when my husband was the same age as my son. They divorced and she is still married to the man with whom she had the affair with.

I do have a lawyer and he knows my family not sure if that is good or bad. I also can not call my husband because he will not answer I am lucky to get a response via text about even things that have to do with our son. We are both still young and he text me to say he wants nothing at our house and it was all stuff that the two of us have worked hard to get together. Is this just him being self absorbed? I'm going to work on my love letter today and try to devise a plan. It's def hard with a two year old running around but I have to keep in mind that I know I can do this and stick to that frame of mind.