Your "friend" may have been a wayward herself, or an OW. Normal people don't think this way. I would say that this friend needs to go. She is no friend to you, or marriage.

Ok so this is a start to my letter as I read over it now I am already making changes I followed the example more than I had wanted to.

Dearest J
I would first off like to apologize to you for the role I had in creating an environment that helped to make your affair with B possible. I am sorry that for way too long I put our son before our alone time together and in doing so failed to meet your emotional needs. I would change so many things if given the chance because I see now that we are both suffering from this mistake I has made.
I am more than willing to avoid all such behaviors to help create a new and happy life that we would both thoroughly enjoy. One in which I fully understand and meet your emotional needs. I am unable to do this knowing you are in a relationship with B. So in order for us to reconcile your relationship with B will have to come to a permanent end.
Until that point I will avoid seeing you as well as talking to you. I have made arrangements with your dad for you to visit Dane whenever you can or want to so that I will not be seeing you when you do visit. If you want or need to communicate with me it will be through F. She will filter everything we send to each other and it will only be finances and Dane. I will include her e-mail at the end of this letter so that is how I will communicate with you.
I ask that you please be respectful of my decision to seperate from you in this way. You know how much I have suffered because of your continued relationship with B and simply put I cannot even be around you knowing that you are with her. I do still love you but I can no longer see you under the current conditions.
As soon as you are willing to seperate from B permanently I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want more than anything to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to willingly meet each other's needs and avoid doing anything to hurt each other in any way. I know we can build a lifestyle that will leave us both happy and fulfilled and in making such a lifestyle it would leave us no reason to seperate again ever. I have told you several times that you are the last best friend I ever want to have and I want to be that to you as well. I want to be there for you time and again when you need me. I want to be the last best friend you have too.
I was totally in love with you when we got married and I have continued to love you through to this day. I just cannot offer you any sort of help or support and I cannot bear to be around you knowing that you are seeing B.

With all my love,
H

I think it may need a bit of work but I figure it's a good start.

I think that is a good letter, it communicates that you love, are willing to reconcile but will not be victimized by his destructive choices. I would include a sentence, "if you are willing to end your affair with OW and commit to working on our matriage please let IM know"
This is a strong step you are taking; I took it myself.
Remember, tough love is necessary in dealing with addicts. Its okay to take a hard line and still hope for the best; I cried when I wrote mine, but later felt relief.

Your letter is PERFECT. I would run with it!

Are you ready to enter Plan B? Finances? Emotionally? Ready to change your phone numbers? email addresses? block him on FB? You should no longer hear anything about either of them anymore either. Are you prepared? You need to get yourself prepared for this because you can't enter Plan B and then allow contact. He will think you are not serious.

I am still preparing myself for such. Financially I'm not ready and I have to figure out how I can do this because we do have a court date for child support in jan so we will being seeing each other at that time. I won't have to block him on FB he hated social media until he started dating her so we were never friends to start with. He made a lot of changes for her and they are all in poor decision but that is a sign of an addict so I can sort of understand that. I am trying my best to figure out if I am really ready for this and I still have to finalize things with an IM. I do however KNOW that I can do this but I have to truly be ready for it and I know that as well.

Some advice on facebook... make sure your privacy settings are set to the highest level. WH and you may have mutual friends (or he may later try to get them), so could still access your wall or photos. This would still give him a fix of you. And remember, if you are posting on a friend's wall, he may be able to read that. So you might need to start monitoring your comments.

I am learning a lot about FB stalking through a friend's sitch right about now...

You need to BLOCK him on facebook. Then he won't see anything of yours. BLOCK him.

Also have you filed a report with Child Protective Services that thge father of your child is residing in a drug house?
You need to get custody and Child Services will help you if they investigate.
Otherwise, he can come back anytime. I was in Plan B for a few days, filed for emergency custody (wife was living with felon drug abuser) CUSTODY denied---she came back and I could not stop her or keep the kids from her due to a Court Restraining Order; so make SURE you get custody before Plan B!

HDW, I think she will be fine without it. Her H won't even talk to her.

Hope, you will want to also get the locks changed on your home so your H can't barge in. You might think he won't, but once he gets the letter, you will be very surprised at how hard he will try to get you to break Plan B.

I am speaking with a more aggressive lawyer tomorrow and I will be bringing up all these points. I am putting off talking to child services because someone had recently made false alliagations against my husband and I and that case is in the process of being closed. I want to make sure that contacting them again is not going to harm me. They already know that my home is safe. So that is one plus side.

Well my husband really is a moron. The car he has been driving is the car I owned before we got married. It broke down last night and he had it towed to my grandfather's. He forgot to take all of his court papers out of the car though. Funny how things work out since I am speaking with a new lawyer tomorrow what perfect timing.

I'm starting to wonder if I should keep hoping or if I should just cave in. I think that a divorce is just the easy way out. The only real reason my H has given me for wanting a divorce is that he fell out of love and to me that is just not good enough. I know he isn't treating me well now but he treated me like a queen until he started his affair. His other poor excuse is that he got married to young but I know that is just a sorry excuse. We may have had a child before we should have but that was what he had wanted. We have rarely ever fought even through all of this crap so I see no reason to divorce him other than his continuous decision to choose this woman over his son and myself. I know I keep repeating myself through all of this but I am so confused and it is hard not having my family want me to pursue my marriage

Your husband is high on the fumes of lust. The Wayward script (most all wayturds say this!)

1) We married too young (Yep mine said it!)
2) I am not in love with you (nope because your wh0re is masking your love with lust

There are many of us in the process of divorce who are standing for our marriages. It is a hard battle to stand and it is a hard battle to watch the wayward while they are destroying their life.

Your WH is acting like a teenager raging on hormones. Most of the time that is a disaster waiting to happen.

Your best choice is to go into Plan B and get him out of your life. Let reality take a hold of him. It will take a hold and it will be so self destructive he won't remember how he got to that point of destroying his life.

You will know when you are done. I take my stand for my marriage one day at a time. Today I still stand even though my husband is a JERK and bad, bad, very bad wayturd.

God Bless

Hope, the reason he wants a divorce is because he is having an affair. The above are all just rationalizations. Don't get discouraged. You have a greater chance of recovering your marriage than the survival of the affair. You might end up divorced, but there is no reason you shouldn't go through the steps in case it can be saved. You will have lost nothing.

Ok so as I sit here after surviving a long night at work and almost breaking down several times. (we used to work together and sometimes memories of good times are overwhelming). I think that I should truly explain how everything has happened from the beginning.

I have been with my husband for five years and known him for nine. We worked together in some different restaurants for just over three years. When we started dating he had been living with his mother a fifty mile round trip which I willingly made often. When we started dating my husband didn't even have his liscense even though he had just turned 18. He had some problems with his job and got fired. He had made some stupid choices so I helped him how I could. His mother had been renting a house and the owner didn't pay the taxes so it went for sheriff sale. I helped them move. My husband got a job at a fast food restaurant and we still spent quite a bit of time together. Something that seemed like a better opportunity came up so I made arrangements with my father who I had been living with for my H to move in. We had been together for about 6 months at the time. My father agreed and we began working together him as a cook and me as a bartender. That restaurant ended as a flop more or less and after 9 months I got a new job as just a sever somewhere else. My H followed a month later. In this time I helped him to get his license and a car. I was so proud of him for doing these things. Then shortly after he asked me to marry him of course I said yes I had known we would one day get there he had given me a promise ring which I take more as to him asking me than the second time around. The promise ring had been specially made with a peridot stone and a diamond because we started dating in August and diamonds are forever at least that is what he told me. He gave me my engagement ring in April. We got married June the next year. We planned the wedding completely on our own and 2 days before we said I do I found out I was pregnant. After we got married we began looking for a house we closed on one the Monday before Christmas that same year (2009). We then had our son in February I had high blod pressure throughout much of my pregnancy but that had been the only downfall we faced in that. We were happy and loved our son. I returned to work and we had no money issues we had food and the bills were always paid. We didn't even have any credit card debit.

Then the beginning of this year in march my husband decided he didn't want to be a cook any longer and our new GM wasn't as fond of him as our old one so he took a 4 week night course to get in to Marcellus shale drilling (his buddy had told him about it). So he worked days and went to school at night. I didn't see him much during that month. He then found a job not quite what he wanted but I. Got him out of he kitchen. He started reading gas meters in April. He did that for a few months then something where he would be making more money came up. He took that job and hated it. He then got a call about another job with better benefits and a company truck he jumped on that right away. He was there until he pretty much lost his job because of the OW which I'm getting to. He really seemed to like this job other than having to leave the house super early around 3 in the morning because of the drive but all the gas was paid for so that wasn't a problem.

So here it comes one night tho OW texts both my husband and myself because she had been rejected by a guy at the bar and was upset. My husband was just getting up for work and I guess she said she was in the lot outside and needed to talk to someone. He went down. I mean she was our friend and we had opened our house to her. She had even watched our son so we could go out on our anniversary just 2 months before. She was crying so he kissed her and then it went from there. He told me he had been sick the whole drive to work and had to pull off because he thought he was going to vomit. That night I had her come over for dinner with our other friend because that was something that we did. My H barely ate anything def not like him. After our friends left I asked if he was ok but he said nothing. I found out why later that week. I guess the condom slipped and they thought she might get preg so she took the morn after pill. She couldn't go a day without a drink so she ended up feeling sick. My hisband went to check on her that morning before work and they ended up having sex in her car again. Her mother had seen and asked what she was doing with a married man. Four days later I heard all of this. The day I heard I went into work and had to work with her. My H came out and told me himself and yet I had nothing but love for him. He cried when he told me and a few days later he spoke with his minister. He seemed to want to reconcile but I guess it was killing him to be cut off from her. I had her number blocked from his phone. Shortly after he switched to a prepay phone because it was cheaper I should have known that wasn't the case although in this time the OW had been spending time out of state visiting her sister. My husband and I were sleeping in sep rooms at this point he never did go back to our room. I did end up messing around with him often but no sex he wasn't ready for that. I thought it was a way that I could hold onto him. I was wrong.

The OW came back and the distance between us grew again although we still messed around a bit. By the way my H didn't have a job for a month and I had to support him. Turns out I had been giving him gas money to pick her up and she paid for the drinks at the bar. That def made me mad when I found out. There was even one night that her tires were flattened and my H used our AAA to have it towed he got an earful for that but he said he hadn't talked to her and he was just trying to help a friend out because she had helped us when we didn't have money on occasion. I was being so very stupid.

Her family then made her move out of state with her sister in hopes of ending all of this. My husband began to talk to me a little more and things were ok although we were still sleeping in sep rooms. Then one day I was really upset about something and he came home and we had sex. Two weeks later he told me that he was going to go see her and would be taking a week off work. I was heartbroken.

There was a lot of other stuff that went on in that week that I don't care to mention but he had to pay for a hotel because her family wouldn't let him in their house. I was barely able to eat that whole week and everything seemed to go wrong. I went down and filed for child support I had to make a stand for myself and that was the only way. I mean let's face it I couldn't trust him to pay me what he said he would. In retaliation he put a pic up on Facebook of the two of them. I threw up after a friend told me about it. That was just flat out disrespectful.

He came back I let him wash his clothes here and tried to talk to him about our son prob thinking he was abandoning him because he had been overly clingy towards me. He didn't seem to care. Shortly after he filed for divorce and now she has moved in with him at his friend who at first had wanted to disown my H but I had begged him not to and told him my H needed friends at the time. I almost regret doing that.

That leaves me where I am now. There are some details that I've left out some may be important but once again this isnt something I enjoyed typing on my phone but I felt like I had to lay it all out there for myself. I'm hoping this will help me as I am preparing for plan B. In the time that my husband was seeing her he began to drink which he had never shown any interest before but I think it was to make common ground between them. He changed for her in my opinion and it is only a matter of time before he realizes he's someone he doesn't want to be.

Hope, I admit I have not read your entire thread, but your last post grabbed me. There are quite a few pointers in that post that show you have been enabling WH. But this... you turned a friend of your marriage away, encouraging him to SUPPORT YOUR WH IN HIS CHEATING despite the friend being opposed to what he was doing. This friend is now aiding and abetting your WH by housing him and OW. This is not letting the full consequences of WH's actions to rain down on him.

Can you speak with this friend and explain you were mistaken, and you want what is best for your WH and your son? What is best for WH and your son is to have an intact and happy family.

Well done filing for child support. Carrot and Stick. WH needs to know what his life will be like when divorced. This will encourage him to think more about the choices he is making. How else are you protecting your finances? Do NOT continue to finance his affair.

I have found someone to be my IM. I'm not sure how we are going to communicate because both lawyers discourage e-mail so might do as a go between on phones calls. Or via snail mail. Not really sure. Turns out the woman I asked her daughter's husband had an affair they are recovered 16 years now. It's funny how God would put her in my life in such a way I would think to ask her. I work all weekend and will have my plan B finalized with her on Monday. I am going to finalize my letter to my H and get it in the mail though I doubt he will read it when he receives it but it will tell him how I will communicate with him so I hope he will. I truly do believe my marriage can be saved and my lawyer even said that I can force him to go to marriage counseling if I would choose to. I have not yet received my divorce papers though so that is far down the line after plan B goes into effect for some time and things between him and the OW are ended.

He has no intention of spending the rest of his life with her so I don't know what all is going on in his mind. He said he never wants to get married again so why not just stay married to me. I do believe that I am almost ready to launch plan B to the best of my ability and I will have hope. One doesn't know what they had until they lose it and I know I am something to lose.

lawyers discourage email because of the "paper trail".

I think you should insist on it, and instruct your IM to retain copies.

My thoughts exactly. I ONLY communicate with my WH(via IM) through emails. Much more certain that ALL relevant info is being passed along. Ensure that your IM reads up on the IM training school thread. Also, if you want additional help for your IM, I would be willing to help her. Just say the word, and I will send a shout out to the mods to pass on my email addy.