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Originally Posted By: TenaciousOne
He would like to have SF more than once a week. But, he's not meeting my needs. He asked, "What more can I do? I've already given up gaming and I'm being nicer."


This should be an easy one to resolve. Tell him. Tell him what he can do to meet your needs so that you would be more interested in sex. Be very concrete. Vague instructions like "be more romantic" are useless. Guys do not mind read or understand subtle clues. If you need him to wash the dishes when the sink is full of dirty plates, or do a load of laundry when the hamper is full, without being asked, tell him. If you need him to bring home flowers on Wednesday for you to be in the mood that night, tell him. Do not worry whether this will frustrate him. As long as your list is less than 100 items, and as long as you find yourself more interested when he accomplishes the assigned tasks, this can work fairly easily.


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This is covered on the ENQ. You each write down your ENs and how you would like them filled. Example: rank affection as a 5 or 6 on the scale, then that you would like affection 2x a day. Not being shown affection makes you feel somewhat unhappy, and you are a -2 in your evaluation of your spouses affection, then explain how your need could be better satisfied (could be touching you when he passes by, sending loving texts during the day--positive actions, not things he should not do, those belong on the LBQ).

If you need something that he is unable to fulfill, then he should be presenting you with alternatives that he is willing to do. Like if he cannot train himself to touch you when he passes by, he could instead offer sceduled cuddle time if that would do it for you. But that should come later. First fill out the ENQ and make the effort to do what the other wants. It might be just a matter of learning new habits, no resentment involved. Without LBs, it should be easy to negotiate after a real effort has been made.


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What happens if we can't get the 20 hours UA? H leaves the house at 5 am and returns at 7 pm. Weekends are open though. We aren't making progress. I don't feel in love yet. He isn't meeting my needs. Cry....ugh


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You have chosen aspects of your life that are causing to to be difficult to have the UA.

You homeschool. Does that impact your ability to work on your marriage? If yes, what would happen if you were to be divorced? Would you have to do public school?

Your DH works 2 hours from home. Is that the only job he can have? Can he work on interviewing for jobs closer? Can you move closer to his work?

For every excuse you have why you can't change anything, ask yourself what would happen if you were divorced? If he had parenting time every Wednesday evening, would he make it home for it? Can he do that now?

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Originally Posted By: TenaciousOne
What happens if we can't get the 20 hours UA? H leaves the house at 5 am and returns at 7 pm. Weekends are open though. We aren't making progress. I don't feel in love yet. He isn't meeting my needs. Cry....ugh


If you can't get the 20 hours of UA, what happens is that you never make progress, and you don't feel in love, and there is no time for meeting each other's needs.

frown

That's discouraging. And discouragement can cause you to give up, throw in the towel.

However, what you need to do is CHANGE your life to solve this problem! Ignoring it in order to avoid the feeling of discouragement will just make things worse. You have got to face it head on and come up with a solution. Something has to be changed!


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I filled out my ENQ.
1. Domestic Support, 2. Family Commitment, 3. RC, 4. Conversation.

I am 100% available to my H. Both of my parents have passed away. No needy friends or family. No commitments, no hobbies. I'm here. Homeschooling is beneficial to our marriage. The four of us do the chores and run errands during the day. Except when the oldest is doing theater, we are home every evening. H doesn't have anything to do on weeknights.

The two hour commute started almost a year ago. Before that, he worked one hour from home.

He is a project manager in commercial construction. We live in a very rural area. So, getting a job minutes from home isn't likely. I don't see him leaving this job. We could look at moving an hour closer to the city though.

These changes could take months, if not years to implement. In the meantime, do I go without my needs being met? His top needs are affection and SF. Those are not time intensive. Mine are. His can be met between 9 and 11. I NEED my needs meet and UA so I can fall in love with my H.

I believe that people should not have sex unless they are in love. It scared me to death when I realized that the reason I didn't want to have sex with him was because I didn't love him anymore.

I don't see us divorcing. We know that isn't the solution. We are better together. We don't want other people.


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If he had parenting time every Wednesday evening, would he make it home for it? Can he do that now?[/quote]

Only if "parenting time" is after 7. Only in an emergency, will he be home early (say before 6).


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TO,

You are still showing a DJ tendency towards your husband (his needs are not "time intensive," yours are). And, there also seems to be a tit-for-tat perspective going on as well.

Excuse less, act more.

What are YOU doing to make your company and conversation PLEASANT? Please read up on friends/enemies of good conversation.

(if another poster could please link, it would be appreciated - phone isn't as agile as my desktop)


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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DS could be met by someone else. Steve Harley told us that he felt DS belonged on the LB side, because it wasn't a need that created love but could destroy it if not met. And it could be met by anybody without causing feelings of love for that person. A maid could provide DS, a gardener, your children...

Have you shared your ENQ with your husband, what was his response to what you need? Did you talk about how you would like your needs met?

I do think it is worth noting that your top 2 are not intimate needs, and your H's are.

My H placed DS very high (I have been a SAHM for a decade and am currently a college sophmore), and SH was pretty adamant that it wasn't something I needed to twist up to meet (He also suggested H has OCD). He actually told my H to do the chores he wanted done himself. We ended up buying a roomba becuase H wanted the house vacuumed daily and neither of us was willing to do that.

Let us know how your H responds to the very specific, positive, actionable things on your ENQ.


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H has never expressed that my company or conversation is unpleasant. I have met my H's needs, he wants more of everything. I am trying to do that. But, my needs have gone unmet for a very long time. I am asking him to meet my needs now also.
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
TO,

You are still showing a DJ tendency towards your husband (his needs are not "time intensive," yours are). And, there also seems to be a tit-for-tat perspective going on as well.

Excuse less, act more.

What are YOU doing to make your company and conversation PLEASANT? Please read up on friends/enemies of good conversation.

(if another poster could please link, it would be appreciated - phone isn't as agile as my desktop)


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Originally Posted By: CWMI
DS could be met by someone else. Steve Harley told us that he felt DS belonged on the LB side, because it wasn't a need that created love but could destroy it if not met. And it could be met by anybody without causing feelings of love for that person. A maid could provide DS, a gardener, your children...

Have you shared your ENQ with your husband, what was his response to what you need? Did you talk about how you would like your needs met?

I do think it is worth noting that your top 2 are not intimate needs, and your H's are.

My H placed DS very high (I have been a SAHM for a decade and am currently a college sophmore), and SH was pretty adamant that it wasn't something I needed to twist up to meet (He also suggested H has OCD). He actually told my H to do the chores he wanted done himself. We ended up buying a roomba becuase H wanted the house vacuumed daily and neither of us was willing to do that.

Let us know how your H responds to the very specific, positive, actionable things on your ENQ.


We talked for 3 hours this evening. He says that DS and FC are #1 and #2 because he hasn't met them in so long that once he starts doing stuff around here that RC and Convo will move into the #1 and #2 spots. But, for now DS is my #1 need. I like it very much when he does stuff for me and our home. I don't expect him to do it alone either. We can do the domestic stuff together; I enjoy that. He understands that if we work together, there will be more time for affection. I like to work, maybe us working together is our RC time?

He will try to leave the office at 4. I will meet him halfway for dinner and hanging out twice a week. If he can be home at 6, then we could retire to the bedroom at 830 for UA on the other nights. He plans to use weekends for DS and FC and more UA. We are going to work hard to get 20 hours squeezed in.


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Originally Posted By: CWMI


I do think it is worth noting that your top 2 are not intimate needs, and your H's are.


Why?


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Because it shows how detached you are, that you don't crave your H's affection or touch or attention, but his willingness to clean your house and do chores. And he wants your touch and affection, but you don't want to give him that because he didn't do chores.

He's not your houseboy, he's your husband, your intimate mate.

DS is a legitimate need. I won't argue that. However, your placing a non-intimate need at the top of your list tells me, like Steve told us, that meeting it will not solve your problem of detachment. For that, you need RC, affection, conversation, and SF.

Would your need be less if you placed less value on the condition of the house? If you were in it less often?


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I am detached. H says there's been only one intimate need met. I have met his need for SF once a week. For years we haven't talked, played or showed affection.

I see your point. I asked him, "Why didn't I list RC, affection, convo and SF as my top needs?" He said, because you're tired of doing all this sh_t by yourself. He says, that I did crave his affection, touch and attention at one point. I had to ask him, because I couldn't remember.

Honestly, he values the condition of the house more than I. The four of us are in it 24/7. We mess it up, we clean it up. The kids and I do ALL the chores. He doesn't like it when the house is messy. If we don't clean it, he gets kinda mad. For me DS would be those things I can't do or him helping me with a task. Our house isn't finished. There are so many things that need to be done.

I want him to do those things that will help me fall in love with him again. Maybe I don't know what my needs are?


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Where did he place DS?

Honestly, I did twist myself about trying to meet my H's need for DS for years, and would be so pleased by the time he came home with how wonderful our home looked, only to have him complain (okay, yell) about the position of a chair or a crumb on the floor or kool-aid stains on the refrigerator gasket...my house got downright ridiculous. I threatened to nail the chair to the floor. Promised to.

If you are tired of doing it all yourself, look at that and find solutions. Maybe your kids should go to school outside of home. Maybe you can't handle being full-time mom and housewife as much as you want to. Maybe your H needs to talk to Steve.

I can guarantee you won't fall in love with him because he does some laundry.

I talked to my H about your thread, before your last post, and he said it was probably because your H complained about the house that you listed DS on top.


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What CWMI means is by him doing the dishes and laundry you are not going to fall in love. While you'll be appreciative that he helped clean and everything, it's not going to make your heart all skip a beat by him vaccuming.

He does need to be meeting your ENs while you two focus on the top intimate needs. However, you're more focused on him meeting your need for DS than you two getting involved in being alone together talking, flirting, loving, spending time together. You have a "if he'll do dishes, vaccuming, polishing, dusting, etc then we can have time together." This is a 'if he meets these needs, then we might find time to meet those needs'.


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"Our house isn't finished. There are so many things that need to be done."

Is your home being renovated or built? Or are you talking about decorating?


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Renovated.

It's funny to think of my home decorated. There are no knick-knacks, no pictures hung.

We finished it to the point of being livable in July 2005. There's just stuff needs to be finished. Trim work, paint, flooring, caulking, weatherizing, gutters, exterior doors etc....

Last edited by TenaciousOne; 01/08/12 10:05 AM.

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My top needs are things that could be fulfilled by others. Affection and SF are #9 and #10 (meant to be fulfilled only be the spouse). Could the fact that H is 100+ lbs overweight effect those needs? I don't find him physically attractive. He has a handsome face though. He isn't much for talking. And over the past 14 years not much for doing either.

By picking four needs that can be fulfilled by others, it seems like I want a better room-mate or friend. I'm worried!


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I'm no picnic either. I have a melancholy spirit. I analyse everything. Don't do things just for the fun of it. We couldn't come up with one thing I do for pleasure. I am practical and hard-working.


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