Its okay all. I'm okay. I finally let her go. I still do love her but I had to let her go. You can't keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. I have survived and I will continue to survive.

I firmly believe God has a plan for me and the divorce cannot thwart HIS plan. He has blessed me continually throughout it all and he will continue.

GOD BLESS!!!

{{{mark}}} A big life awaits you out there - you'll be fine!

Today has been rougher than I anticipated. Yesterday I find out the d is final. Today I go to church (the church my WxW free up in) and her whole family is there, minus her, of course. I had a difficult time hearing all the talk about family dinners and so on.

The in-laws said a very customary hello, but nothing else. I felt something different. I don't know if it was anger it what. The day before, I find out I'm no longer married and then I see all those who did nothing when I asked help in saving my family. It was tough.

(((Mark)))

It looks like you're about a year behind me in some ways. I filed for divorce in Nov '09, and Christmas last year was the very worst Christmas of my life. Next year will be better. Not perfect, but better.

I was hesitant to post this but decided to do so anyway...

I got a call from my pastor today. He met with WxW on Friday at her request and she stated she wanted to meet with methe so that i could have closure (our d wasis final 12/22/11) and that we need to have a friendship for the sake of our daughter. She stated she also wanted to return to the church I attend, the one we attended together, the one she grew up in.

I told him that I can not do so unless she is repentant and remorseful and wants to work on things together. He stated she didn't seem to be remorseful and that he thought it was more for her benefit than mines. I have a relationship with my daughter and contact with her is not necessary for that to continue. I told him I will leave the church if she returns unremorseful and unrepentant and that I'm prepared for it to be that way indefinitely.

I know I shouldn't be told these things by anyone but as my pastor and close friend, he thought I should hear what he had to say. It didn't really bother me. I really felt better telling him in person my conditions and I stand on it.

Actually, I think it's good that he heard what YOU had to say. He needs to be ready to steer her away from that church and suggest other places of worship for her. I assume he is ready to do so if she tries to attend there, yes?

Your pastor is right: It's still all about her. She wanted to meet with you to make herself feel better. Good for you, for not helping her do that.

He stated that he wouldn't shun her if she came. He would let her know there are matters that need to be put in order. I have been faithful to the church, even continuing monetary contributions during my 3 month absence during the summer.

He states he will handle things when faced with it because he doesn't think she will really come back. If she does, I will leave. This time I'm afraid it might be for good.

Your pastor would be a poor protector of his flock if he allowed a dangerous person into their midst. Your WxW has grievously injured you, a member of his flock.

Any pastor worth his salt will not allow someone to come into the church, knowing this.

This is a commone issue in churches. If your pastor is incapable of steering this danger away from his church, I would seriously question his leadership skills.

Not to criticize your pastor, mark. But he should know this.

I agree completely.

However, my experience was that my pastor was not willing to do anything to protect me and my children from my WH. After he and I separated, I ended up going back to the church that we had belonged to for most of the marriage. I re-joined and WH was not even a member there.

When WH started going to church there, the pastor told me that he would not do anything. I removed my membership.

You learn people have to make choices constantly.
They go by their gut, by their experience with things, by their ideas about how others will view their actions.
You can only run your own show.
The pastor isn't totally equipped for a situation like this. You must be his first experience? Or at least his first experience with a betrayed person who doesn't pretend all is fine and smoothed over?

Definitely know that you don't need to be friends with her for your child's sake. You can be a single Dad. A Dad who has boundaries. Who tries to not be judgemental but who doesn't have to interact with someone who has hurt him and chooses to continue to do so.

If you need to leave the church should your now X WW attend, let the pastor know you simply can not be around her. That it is far to painful. That you understand his position but he needs to understand yours. That your boundaries are firm and you choose to protect your heart and soul for your child's sake. To be a functioning person in society.

YK?

Your pastor should be willing to stand up to your WxW and let her feel the consequences of her actions. He does her a true disservice by it. But, alas, you cannot control how others react, you can only control your reactions to it. I say that you did spectacular(and you gave me a mild heart attack BTW, I thought that you had agreed to become friends with your WxW) in telling him what you felt.

While it is true that you shouldn't be hearing things about your WxW, you have also told him that, and he doesn't seem to respect your decision. I say that this interaction shows a lot more about his character than about your WxW.

You make your choice, and stick to what is best for you and your daughter, and remember that there are other churches out there, and you are still able to do His work without attending that particular one.

Reading, yes, this is the first church he has ever pastored. He is inexperienced in matters such as these and I do understand that. But as a minister myself, I also understand that a relationship with christ cannot be restored without contrition and repentance. Likewise, I don't believe one can be restored to the church without an expression of contrition and repentance.

In the pastor's own words, he stated she expressed no remorse for her actions during their conversation. I have a problem with him saying that and yet being willing to allow her to return in that condition. When no one else holds her accountable for the things.she has done and continues to do, the pastor should.

I am not perfect and recognize that I sin daily. But I also know there is a difference between committing sin and living in sin.

Right now, I am waiting for him to return to his office so we can discuss the matter. I don't expect he will change his stance and I am fully prepared to withdraw my membership if he doesn't. I hate to do so because he is really my closest friend in addition to being my pastor.

Sometimes the right things are not easy to do....

Mark, your WXW is a kook (sorry). This "closure" is for her sake only so she can go around telling everyone, "See, it all worked out in the end. Everything's cool. We've made our peace and Mark and I are good friends." I'm so glad you saw right through that shinola.

Your pastor, on the other hand even if he is new should learn from this experience. You don't coddle adultery. You expose it (especially in a church situation!).

Your pastor needs a mentor to guide him on how to deal with adultery. For him to even suggest that he would facilitate such a meeting is appalling.

Sheesh.

Mark-

Please ask your pastor to read Matt. 18:15-17, so that he will understand what Jesus said to do about an unrepentant person in the church.

I did that at the beginning. He applauded my approach until it got to vs. 17.

Wow! Sorry about that mark-

Sounds like it's either time to bring it up with the elder board or other leadership in the church, or find a church that is willing to follow biblical guidelines.

I know that's hard...btdt...

Guys, if I can be brutally honest. Today, I actually had thoughts of just finding someone to have fling with. I've been faithful to my marriage for over a year while my WxW has been doing who knows what.

I'm single now. And while I know I don't want a relationship right now, I could have some fun.

The thing that has kept me from doing it has been the spirit of God that lives in me. Lord knows that if it wasn't for him, I'd have done it long ago.

And you're a better person than that. You have you daughter to think about.

No one would fault you for dating, but being recently divorced, the kinds of women you would attract are not the sort that you would want.

Your TAKER is SCREAMING. Find ways to calm it.

((Mark)) I understand. Totally.

I have four of my kids living with me and they are watching how I live my life. That's been a huge factor in why I haven't had a fling.

One of the kids went completely off the rails when she found out for sure that her dad had sex with the OW. I don't want to know what the others would do if I did the same thing. And I'm not going to find out.

Just keep doing the right now.

It's also a good way to disqualify yourself from being in the pastorate.