|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 19 |
I'll ask if he'll come here, but it seems he isn't speaking to me and doesn't plan to for at least a few days. So I will as soon as he speaks to me again.
WW (31) married 7 yrs to BH (31)
Dday 11.28.11, EA 3 months
3 children 5, 2 & 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'll ask if he'll come here, but it seems he isn't speaking to me and doesn't plan to for at least a few days. So I will as soon as he speaks to me again. alldfalldown, it would be helpful for us to get his perspective. What do you think is his biggest obstacle to reconciliation?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
...I can see there is not much place here for a WS like myself who desires reconciliation and is trying to take all the rights steps without interest or cooperation of the BS.
You must be patient, allfalldown. That's the least you can do for him right now.
If you've read the "Lurkers" thread, then you've met me. Three years ago, I was the unfaithful spouse. It was a full-blown affair. In many ways, it was as bad as it gets.
Your constant course of action in these early days has to be to cut your husband lots of slack. When you get the book "Surviving An Affair" (or on this site, if you don't want to wait), read about the Rules of Protection, Care, Honesty and Time. And strive to implement them each & every day.
In time, for your marriage to recover & become better than it was before your affair, your husband will probably need to get on-board. Obviously, there were needs of yours that weren't being met. Perhaps he wasn't doing his best, and/or perhaps you weren't doing a proper job of communicating your needs to him. BUT either way, not having needs met doesn't justify what you allowed to occur. I learned the hard way that close opposite-sex friendships with people other than my spouse are absoutely impermissable. They work in movies & on TV shows, but in real life, they lead you to a point where you end up paying cash for a hotel room somewhere so that it won't show up on a credit card statement. That's assuredly where you were headed, and that's not how you want to live, is it?
And this OM is not someone whom you'd want to live with, if you saw him as he is. Yes, he "understands" you in a way -- but not in the way that you think! How do I know this? Because my affair partner was also married -- so I was someone's OM myself. Go read my post to PleaseSetMeFree: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164736&Number=2574819#Post2574819
Have no doubt about this: No man who'd willingly intrude on another man's marriage, and cultivate a relationship that by its very existence injures that poor man (your husband), is worth even a puddle of cold spit when in the midst of such conduct. No relationship that has to be concealed is worth having. That your OM is willing to be an instrument of injury to your husband -- a man whom he's never even met & who has never done him a shred of harm! -- says all that needs to be said about the worthiness of your OM's character right now. Just as I was when I was an OM, your OM is morally corrupt. He will take what you give him, and he will invest the effort necessary to keep his doors open for receiving it. You are, for him, an option, not a commitment. You want to know what your OM thinks of you? Don't ask him, because people in active affairs will lie to you, point-blank. Ask me. I'll keep it real for you, even if you don't like the answer.
You've discovered that withdrawal is real & that it can be a b*tch. But you need to make it stick. If you haven't changed all of your e-mail & cellphone addresses & given your husband passwords to any accounts of yours, then you haven't done enough. You cancel your Skype account so that he can't contact you, and you just don't do Skype, period, anymore, unless it's from your husband's account with your husband there next to you.
Stick around. Read. Learn. If you've got questions, ask me.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 51
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 51 |
Hang in there. I am the WS and I often feel like they are beating me up but in reality I think they are trying to to the best of THERE abilities. Everyone has a different outlook. You may not agree but do listen and do take there advice.
I am the WS
BH, love him dearly
~It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
~When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Hang in there. I am the WS and I often feel like they are beating me up but in reality I think they are trying to to the best of THERE abilities. Everyone has a different outlook. You may not agree but do listen and do take there advice. Thanks? Actually, what the posters do here is use what WORKS.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I just don't know that it's a good place for him if he has no desire to reconcile. What do you think? I have no desire to reconcile and I'm on here all the time. The posters will be interested in healing HIM and helping him with what HE wants to do. They can help him with the emotional rollercoaster every BS gets to ride. One day up- next day down, its murder. People who havent been through it dont get it, so it will be good for him to have other BSs to talk to. You have to give him reasons to want the marriage - he may or may not want to buy what you are selling. But either way he is in an awesome amount of pain right now. I'm six months past D-day and doing ok, but the memory of that initial, searing pain can still stop me cold. And I never had an NC promise violated. That must suck, to put it mildly. Keep on, keeping on though. I see some promise here.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Oh and listen to gloveoil!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I have no desire to reconcile and I'm on here all the time.  Keep on, keeping on though. I see some promise here. Me too.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
T/J
Cheers Pep. I am as happy as I have ever been though!
T/J over.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
240
guests, and
70
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,494
Members71,967
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
