Well, Christmas is over and we are on the move. We've got a 3 Bedroom Appt. (Geezus Ceerist, it's expensive!!) and all of my womenfolk are busy getting it set up, so that the movers will be able to bring our stuff this weekend. Christmas was a real treat. Her family invited my daughters and I, but not their daughter (my wife) so that her Harlot touch would not profane the Holiday. Needless to say we didn't go, even my daughters supported their Mom . BTW the girls are getting much better and both have told their mom that they forgive her.

Good for you and yours, MM !! What a great way to start the new year---lots of new memories !

Yes , PSMF, we are really doing that a lot. WE took the river cruise to see all of the Christmas lights, and went out on Lake Michigan to look back at the city. Chicago is really a beautiful place. BTW I did something for my wife, over the holidays that has made a huge difference in her self-image. While we were boating, I took off her wedding ring and engagement ring and threw them into the lake, then I gave her new ones, for our new marriage.

Wow MM, Class act!
Glad you are doing well!

Nicely done, MM!! So glad you 2 are working through this together!

That is the most shocking thing I've read about parents in a while. Wow!


Good for you for protecting your marriage and good for the girls too for supporting their mom. You are setting a good example for them.

Well, Smiling Woman, her family is ultra-religious, in the repressed, rigid, intolerant sort of way, so I expected that they would have a harder time with the A than most parents. It has been a huge hurdle in our recovery, I can tell you.

Luke 15:11-32

Have you explained to them yet that they cannot be a part of your family's life until they become supporters of your marriage?

Cv

CV, I have tried to reason with her Mom, and frankly, if it weren't for her Dad and sister, who are both religious fanatics, I think her Mom would be able to forgive her and try to mend their relationship. I have already said that they are Not welcome in my house. What to do about my daughters is another question. Both girls have strong relationships with their grandparents on both sides, and I haven't told them that they cannot see their grandparents, and would it be fair to them , to do so? I did, however, tell my FIL that if I ever hear of him badmouthing my wife to my girls , that he would never be allowed to see them . He gave me his word that he would not. But I still asked them about it after a visit. BTW both my wife and I are in agreement about this.

I can only tell you what we did with my in-laws. They turned on me after I exposed. We laid the whole sitch out for the kids and let them decide and then asked how they wanted it to go down. They all told the in-laws to their face in a meeting. Kids were very straight forward and said if they weren't for mom AND dad, then they couldn't have contact.

CV

CV as usual, develops solutions that cover all the bases. For the moment, I want to focus on one: This "schism" between your wife and her family is a God-given opportunity to work through a difficult problem together. Every step (or non-step) is a fresh chance to practice/refine POJA, and re-form the marital bond against outside agents. Use this well. My bride and I had to jointly work to dismiss a bogus DV complaint against me, and coming as it did so closely after our crisis, it did a lot to bring us together.

MM, I brought this post back to your own thread because I wanted to remove this discussion from the one that initiated my concern. I think I'm the correct one to explore this as I have become the poster-boy for displaying attitudes and actions similar to those that you seem to be presenting, and I am, as you are, a recovering BH.

There are two things that must be focused on in our "work" here.

1) The MB Plan is based on principles that define the general form male/female interactions should take to foster (or repair) marriages. They are, by necessity, broadly enough defined to cover the range of personalities extant in the sets of posters and their spouses. When folks try to anchor their readings of those principles as "dogma", conflicts develop. (You and I jointly fighting against the "everyone can be a cheater" tenet is a good example.)

2) Posters do so as long as they feel they are getting value, and feel good about their prospects and progress. No one is "sentenced" here ("...15 hours of UA time and 7 posts per week....."). FIRM CONVICTIONS by the peers is necessary, but statements that approach the "You're wrong! I'm right!" vector (especially to someone confused and terrified) will probably not be fully effective.

Your posts to the FWW in question surprised me - not that they appeared, but that they came from you, and were so...pessimistic. You and I, among the multitudes of BHs, were extraordinarily blessed by the speed with which our FWWs "turned around". But that process involved re-orienting a complete way of thinking and behaving for them. FWWs may not be 100% on-board from day one - but look at how far ours came so quickly. I think the latest poster is on the same path.

Additionally, it comes to me that you approach the 6-to-9-month "retrospective anger" phase in the typical (oh, that word!) recovery arc. This was the period that brought me to MB originally. Is it possible that your general anger is manifesting itself in your approach to the thread in discussion? Knowing that as your own marriage is recovering so well (as was mine), is it possible that you are venting against the concept of the WW in your offerings on this specific case? (I can't KNOW that - all I can do is pose the question.)

Anyway, just my thoughts.....

I have to say my thoughts were in the same vein as NGs

I was q taken aback at the level of anger you exhibited on said thread (using the phrase 'sloppy thirds' I found particularly disturbing)

But what I found most alarming was that MB concepts were not really...known.

I find this a risk to your recovery because the recovery path is very narrow and any deviation puts you at risk.

If you don't know MB principles in full, and don't have an accountability coach who or what is going to keep you on track the next time you get triggered or resentful.

I'm glad you decided to increase UA time and to both follow radical honesty - that shows good instincts - but I have to say it worried me that you didn't know those were MB tenets.

Concur with previous posts. MM has not really studied and applied MB in his own M.

AM

GREAT link PI! One of my favourite articles

I actually have no resentment towards the poster in question at all. Where I differ from other people, is I believe that multiple affairs are a far different "kettle of fish", than a single affair. Taking into consideration the shortness of her marriage , the number of affairs, and the realization that there , in all probability, have been other EA's, I spoke my piece. Also, I understand that MB is dedicated to marriage improvement, but I don't believe in the "marriage at all costs", attitude that some posters seem to have.

AM, now who is being judgemental?