Well let's see I am 25 years old and have been married for 2 1/2 years. I am one of those people who came from a perfect family. My parents are still married, I graduated with great grades in 4 years from college, I got married, I have a wonderful job and a nice house. My husband is great too. He is so perfect for me. He treats me like a princess. He would do anything for me. I work all the time with men and have always had really good guy friends. My husband is not jelous at all and doesnot mind.....hum under if that could be half the problem. About a year ago I meet a guy who at the time lived in a different state from me and worked for the same company. We became very good friends and started joking around in email. He has a girlfriend that he lives with and has been with for about 2 years. I made a mistake and gave in to go on a business trip with him. We had a great time and needless to say for the last year we have been having an affair. I have seen him at different business functions and we talk all the time. I know that it is wrong and now I am so additcted to him that I can't get out. We live 1000 miles from one another but I still feel so traped in with this person that I do not know what to do. I have always been a real strong person and for some reason this person has really gotten me. I am so confused and distraght I do not know what to do. I can no longer be around my husband with out him driving me crazy. I spent the whole weekend depressed. All I can do is think about this other person. I know it sounds strange and I know this is stupid but I think that I might have to end my marriage and that I married the wrong person. I know that I will probably never be with this person but I can't seem to let go. If someone has been in this situation I would love to here from you.

Hi MM and welcome to MB....<P>I have not been in your situation, but there are plenty around here that have.<BR>They'll be along to help with that part of things...it's Sunday nite so you might not get too much before the workday tomorrow. There are a lot of wonderful and caring people here and as long as you're honest and truly want help....you will find it.<P>You realize that this is a Marriage Building Forum so don't be surprised to find that we will want you to take a good long look at your husband and your marriage. It is not very likely that you will hear us tell you to go get the OM....... just want you to know up front!!<P>I'll start with some questions OK?<P>What was going on in the marriage? Why did you have the need to get close to this man?<P>Why are there so many male friends? Do you have an equal amount of female friends? Is there some need within you for male attention? <P>Life must not be so perfect...it never is!!!! Would be boring, I suppose!! LOL!! I wouldn't know cuz mine surel never was!!!<P>Explain what led up to this pickle of a mess that you have going on.<P>Have you read the info from Dr Harley on this site? Are you familiar with the ins and outs of infidelity?<P>Open up with us and maybe we can figure out what's really in your heart!!!<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba

MM,<P>Glad you found this site. I hope it helps you as much as it does so many of us.<P>I am now the betrayed, but 2 years ago I was a betrayer. I had a brief (< 3 months) emotional affair. I can only tell you my experience. <P>3 month affair<BR>3 months to withdraw and put feelings for OM in proper place - professional, becaus we work at same hospital<BR>3 more months to start loving my H again<BR>Total = 9 months for a less than 3 month EA!<P>You have to DECIDE you want out, first. Once you do that, think of it as a diet program. You still crave those delicious ooey-gooey brownies, but know they will derail you if you eat them. It really is a matter of not indulging in something that has been pleasurable. Takes a strong conviction, an understanding of how hARD this is going to be and that you will SUFFER during the withdrawal, and a forgiving spirit if you have setbacks to get up and dust yourself off and recommit again to start all over again.<P>Now, don't be discouraged by all this. Others have done it and YOU can too, but realistically, it won't be easy.<P>Wishing you the best....<P>Roll Me Away

mm - Welcome.<P>Actually, the things you are saying don't sound so strange at all. Most of us here have heard them or said them at one time or another. <P>You're a wonderful and unique individual. But the "pickle of a mess" (thanks, Sheba!) you've gotten into is not so wonderful or unique.<P>Sheba's right. We need a little more info. Be prepared for complete honesty here. This is a great group of people, loving and welcoming, and full of different advice and opinions - and we certainly don't mind giving them, always with the best interest of marriage at heart.<P>Roll Me Away knows what she's talking about. Glad she's here.<P>Listen to everyone. Search your soul. And come to us whenever you need us.<P>Lori

Thanks for all the replys. It really does help. Sheba here are some answers to your guestions. I really could use all the help I could get these days. <BR>1. At the time this started there was nothing going on in my marriage. My husband is great. We got married young (22), we've been dating since I was 19, and I think it was a lot of curiousity on my part. When I meet this other person my husband happened to be out of town on a golf weekend. We were at a company event that my husband would of typically attended. This other person and I really just hit it off, but I told him things like how wonderful my husband was and that I was so lucky. I work out of the house and this person and I started joking around on email. It was fun and I think I got caught up in it. Maybe like what Dr, Harvey says is true, somewhere my hasband was not meeting an emotional need of mine. I am very outgoing, love to go out, dance, etc. He is not like that. Shy, doesn't love to meet people. Sometimes I find myseld embarressed aroung co-workers, since he is so shy. We also have really not had that great of a sex life in our marriage. I am not that pysically attracted to him. This other guy is very goodlooking and I feel for his looks and charm immediatly. <P>Yes, I have an equal amount of female friends. However, I have always had good guy frineds. My best frined in the company is a male. His girlfriend is also one of my bestfriends. This male friend also had an affair in the past and he knows everything about my life. He has tried to talk me out of it from the begininning, but has been a great friend and listening to me through all of it. And yes, I think you have hit it one the door. I like male attention. Maybe because I married so young and never really dated I like to think that men still want me, I just took it to far this time. <P>Gosh how do I explain how it happened. I meet this person a year ago at a meeting we had in FLordia. We became friends. I saw him a few months later at a compay weekend event ( The one my husband would of been out if he had not been out of town). We were still just friends. He would say when I was in his town him and his girlfrined should all go out to eat, and that he couldn't wait to meet my husband because "He must be a great guy to corral a girl like me". We continued to talk over the phone and email and just became good friends. He had my city as part of his territorty and came a month later to work with me, on purpose and I am not sure why we went out to dinner me, him, and girlfriend of mine, and I did not ask my hasband to go?? It should of been a sign then. I think in a way I didn't want him to think that my husband wasn't good enough for me, and I wasn't the girl he though I was. We ended up going to another state together to see a mutual customer. We went out that night and had the best time. We dances (something my husband and I do not do) and he kissed me that night. I pulled away and told him I was married and that was not fair, and why did he want to cheat on his girlfriend (who at the time he talked about all the time). Anyway to make a long story short, things evolved. He came to my area again for another meeting, which I talked my husband into going out of town for. It was still pretty inconcent at this time. Then I lost my mind. I could not stop thinking about him. He asked me to fly to AZ to meet him and I said no. I was so screwed up that I thought I made the worst mistake of my life, and he did not let me forget it. I told him to give me another opportunity to see him and I wouldn't let him down. I fly to see him this time and this is where my life ends. I flew another time to see him, and then spent 5 days with him at our company event. I have since seen him another 2 times. It has gotten so bad that I almost cry everynight now because I miss him so much. We have no plans to see each other now for a while (July is the next company meeting), which is great, but I find myself wanting him to ask me to fly to see him somewhere. Over the last month it has been different for us, maybe it is running its course, but now I find myself un able to sleep with my husband and not wanting to be around him at all. All he does is try and love me and I am shuting him out. I told him I was not happy in our marriage and I was unsure why. He never questions me when I travel or who I am with and according ot Dr, Harvey this is a mistake. I told him that, I told him that he almost trust me to much and that I can get away with anything. He asked me if I was trying to tell him something and I said NO......lie. He is now trying to be a little more worried about me, but it is just not in his nature to ne jelous. I have not talked to this other guy in a week. We had a falling out on email when he asked me longer term question on what we were going to do about this? My respone was direct, I asked him if he wanted my realistic answer or dream answer. If we talk about these things he always says there are no answers (He just moved to a new city and bought a house with his girlfriend). I just transfered a bought a new house with my husband (Who by the way moved for my job and now does not have a job). I said to OM that he was the one that has said that there are no answers and until he was ready to face the questions there were not going to be any answers. I also said that I thought we should end it. I said ( I know that I should't of) that that was not what I wanted, but who knew what to do. He wrote back. Pretty heavey answer. That was nice response ugh? I really do want to end it with and him and make it work with my husband. I am just not sure how to become attracted to him when I am not. Sorry this is so lengty. <P>I have read everything in Dr. Harvey site nad cried through it all as I know it to be true. I just can't stop thinking about OM. <P>Thanks for your kind words. <BR>

MM,<P>You will not get feelings back for your H until you get rid of OM. I suspect you know that. THere are many on this board in your situation; Airheart, Susan, Hummingbird (she is really in your situation also because she has not told her H of the affair either), Maya, and more.<P>It seems from your postings that you wanted to exclude your H so that this relationship could escalate into a full affair. If this is so why would you do this to him? You will need an answer for that, if not for him, for yourself.<P>You don't have feeling for your H, because you had to wipe them out with rationalizations in order to have the affair with OM. Otherwise, the guilt would overwhelm you. I don't sense much guilt at this point. You have also spent all of your efforts on the OM and not H, this is not only unfair to H, but it reenforces your lack of love for H, and heightens it for OM.<P>Please read all the things again on this board. You are in an addiction and it will be hard to get out of it. Many will recommend and I will also that you tell your H what is happening. He probably already suspects, but if he decides to try and save the marriage he can help you through the withdrawl that will take place.<P>There is hope for your marriage, but you must make the hard choices and live with the consequences. You had a chance much earlier in your marriage to make things better without all of the pain that will occur now, but there is no going back.<P>This all will be especially hard, since H gave up his job and moved for you. He has no support group nor friends to take his mind off of what he will find out about sooner or later. You might consider having him come here as well. It will help him. THere have been several instances of couples coming here and it seems to be very effective. Suse and Dunc are two that post here. <P>You might want to specifically ask them for advice. They have been there done that, and gotten the tee shirt. Finally, I'm sure that everyone here will recommend that you get some counceling and your H when he finds out.<P>Good Luck to you.

I know i may get ridiculed here but i TOTALLY UNDERSTAND your feelings for this OM. What attracted you to him was everything that didnt attract you to your husband. Im at the same stage as you except i havent had a physical affair, but ihave a mind affair. Mine is my former husband! I got married at 18 and then divorced him due to what i believe was TOO young to marry, although he was my high school sweatheart...i then married my now husband for past 4yrs(been together 5) and i CANT get ex off my mind. I think of him with every love songs that play, i remember how he held me....the words he emails me, he would walk through fire to get me back....its so confusing..i know that you MUST want to let the other go...and i know i am not ready for that too happen. It would make me sick to not hear from him, to not know he is ok. I love him, and i admit it..but i cant help how my heart feels. You must make a decision, if you dont feel, after counsling, that your husband is all that you "want"....then perhaps you should go to what makes you happy...but.....look at this angle...im thinking about the first guy....so maybe you shoud really see if how you feel cant be fixed.......good luck

I can't really say that I understand where your comming from. But I just recently found out that my W was having an affair. Unfortunatly I found out accidentally by reading her e-mail (ok, it was snooping, but I had to figure how to fix our marriage). I don't really know what to tell you except this. You need to tell your H about the affair. It is much harder to find out by mistake than it is coming from you. And even though it will give him great pain that I can't begin to explain in words, it will show him that in some respects you at least care enough to be honest. And, in my opinion, honesty is the most important aspect of any relationship. Hope this helps

<BR>I'd just like to say that KLS has given good advice here. Your husband will find it much easier to respect and trust you again if he gets the news from you than if he has to find out accidentally or snoop to figure out the truth. If you have any regard for his feelings whatsoever, you'll tell him the truth right away.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

mm, You sound like my W. She met her OM via work. They both live in seperate states. You aren't going to hear any good things from me about your affair because I'm living the life of your H. This hurts. The pain is unbelievable. You spend your life looking for the right person and when you find them they turn around and betray your love. I know hat this sounds like I'm bitter and that's cause I am. If you love your H. Sit down and tell him the truth. If you want the marriage to work than stop all contact with OM and focus on your marriage. Marriage is a bond, it is two people comming together to say this is for life. Be honest with yourself first. Don't lead your H on. He deserves the truth. Only when the truth is revealed can you proceed with your life. If it is with your H than end the other relationship completely. I could go on because I'm getting alittle mad so I'll stop.<P>------------------<BR>That Which does not kill us makes us stronger.<P>

mm,<BR>I can understand part of how you are feeling. Remember I was betrayer in the past and am now the betrayed.<P>From the BETRAYER perspective: This guy sounds great, BUT, why is it that from what you are saying, sounds like he only wants to have a SIDE relationship with you? Why did he go ahead and buy the house with the GF if he is interested in you? What about his e-mail answers? My perspective is that he is offereing you nothing but a sneaky "friendship" and illicit sex. Is that what you want in the long run - to be his girl on the side?<P>From the BETRAYED perspective: your H should know the truth. How can he possibly have any chance to correct his behaviors if he is unaware of how unhappy you really are? In the long run, you may decide to leave him. But, I would think you would want to know you were fair to him by giving your H a chance to work with you on your marriage.<P>From personal experience, you will not be able to work on feelings for your H until you begin to resolve feelings for OM. Be honest with yourself - what is he offering you? You already feel short-changed in your relationship with your H. Do you want to cash that in for another relationship in which you have a high probablity of getting short-changed even more?<P>I hope I am not speaking out of turn ior misinterpreting things. I am relating my perceptions based on what you wrote and what my own reactions were from both sides of the fence.<P>Honestly begins with yourself and seeing things as they really are - not as how you would like them to be. Only after you are honest with yourself can you be honest with H. <P>Best of luck to you...<P>Roll Me Away

Hi mm,<P>Sorry I missed this thread earlier. I am a betrayer like yourself. I know what you are going through. It's extremely tough.<P>May I say a few things about your OM? He doesn't sound like he's been totally on the up and up with you. There are little hints that make it sound like he's totally manipulating you into continuing this thing. He's being selfish. He made you feel guilty for not flying out to visit him. He sends you "heavy" emails in response when you tell him you want to end it. It just sounds to me like he's a total USER. You're much better off without him. <P>Think about how it would be if you were with him instead of your husband. Did it feel good to be made to feel guilty because you, a married woman, didn't fly off to see him (who is also involved with someone else)? No, of course not! Think about living with that kind of person who would make you feel that way.<P>I know you have no feelings for your husband right now. I can totally understand that because I'm in the same place with my wife. But I recognize that I will not be able to recover my marriage if I do not completely wipe out the OW from my life. It has been very very hard. I had to change jobs. And she still creeps into my thoughts. But gradually it gets better. You have to erase the OM from your life, then you can concentrate on getting your feelings back for your husband. He deserves so much more than what's happening to him right now.<P>What you must do is stop all contact immediately. This is very important. It will feel terrible. This is because you are so addicted to him. But it's the only way to break it. Cold Turkey. Of course, there will be moments of weakness when you won't be able to control yourself. But believe me, it will just make you all the more miserable afterward. It's a one day at a time approach. I've caved in myself and contacted the OW after I broke it off, so I know how hard it is.<P>And you might think about changing your job or at least transferring to another part of the company where you won't have contact with him anymore.<P>There are a few others on this forum who share your experiences -- Susan, Hummingbird, Holly, new_beginning... seek them out and talk to them; get their help and support. They know exactly what you are going through.<P>take care,<BR>--andy

MM:<P>I can totally relate to your situation because I am in a similar one. I have been involved with a male co-worker (single) for 3 months now. <P>What I can tell you from my experience is that what you are experiencing is very much an addiction. I know -- I am in the midst of it too. However, I am beginning to realize (largely thanks to things I have read on this site) that the OM is not the answer to my problems. I was unhappy, and he made me feel good for a while. Period. He didn't solve my problems, and the affair created new ones.<P>Although I still have feelings for the OM, I now know that I have got to concentrate on my marriage. Maybe my problems with my husband can't be fixed, but they sure can't be fixed unless I give it my very best effort, which means ending it with the OM.<P>MM, I don't think you are at this point yet, but you will be. I can tell you that just a month ago, I felt exactly how you are feeling right now. Just know that people here are very supportive and have a lot of very good advice. I didn't want to believe what people were telling me a month ago (i.e. that the feelings I had for the OM were based on a fantasy, etc) but they were right on the mark. <P>Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.<P>kl

mm --<P>Welcome. It's so important to use the board -- both Harley's info and the feedback from so many people in similar situations. <P>As a betrayed, I'd like to know that an issue exists rather than have to "happen across it". On the other hand, read about "love busters" since telling too much, or too soon may create even more problems.<P>You've got to find out what attracted you to your H in the first place. And, what drove you away. Affairs are an effect, not a cause for marriage problems. You've got to id the cause/root of the problem. <P>You've also got to cut off ALL contact with the OM. E-mails, IM's, letters, phone calls, third party contacts -- EVERYTHING. If you trully believe that you want to repair your marriage, it's the first most important step.<P>I agree with an earlier post. This OM appears to just want the GF/sex on the side type relationship. Nothing long term, nothing meaningful. You've got all the risk, he gets all the gain. Your H bought in for the long haul. SO DID YOU!<P>Try to stay positive, but also remember that there are two sides to every story. Your H will have one, too. Don't be surprised by feedback when it comes. Counsoling will help, but you may need to seek individual sessions for yourself first. <P>Please follow the advice of many of the other posters. They/we are all following similar paths. <P>-- keystone

WOW......thanks for all your replys.